Please help -- heart is breaking again

[The_Doc]

Well I met my ex for drinks/coffee yesterday -- it was wonderful and a nightmare at the same time!!

 

I was shocked and surprised that my feelings for her hadn't changed one little bit... despite the fact I have started dating someone else just over a week ago. Seeing her just made me melt inside, she is everything I remember -- attractive, funny, intelligent....

 

During the meeting I was laid back, I made her laugh, kept things on small talk. I decided to tell her before she arrived that I had started dating someone -- I didn't want her to find out via the grapevine, and when she broke up with me we did promise each other that we would tell each other when we started dating again. I also hoped it might 'rattle her cage' a bit, stir things up, which it didn't seem to do at all.

 

Anyway she brought up the new date -- I didn't divulge much, told her she was 8 years younger than me, thin etc etc. Turns out she had been asking friends all about her, so there is an obvious curiosity factor.

 

SHE hugged me when I arrived, and again when I dropped her off at the friend's she was satying at last night -- she asked me if I would dance with her at the wedding on Saturday and was generally warm and friendly.

 

However bitter experience suggests that I can't read ANYTHING into the way she was, there was so little given out, or said of any significance about 'us' -- I didn't raise the issue of 'us', nor did she. I did send her a text the night before asking her if she felt the same about everything and she said she did (she had broken NC to arrange the meeting yesterday).

 

The trouble is.. much as I wish I wasn't, I am still totally and utterly in love with her.

 

After I dropped her off I have to admit I cried buckets, all i wanted to do was hug her, hold her hand, kiss her.

 

Fate is cruel... and now I have the wedding to look forward to....

 

I am supposed to be meeting the newbie tonight to go for a run -- she is a very nice girl but right now I don't want to be with her I want to be with my ex, and I can't.

 

Help please.....

[dpressedone89]

i cant really help you much, but i have had similar feelings with an ex of mine. i saw my ex at a concert and she hugd me and we held hands and talked and it felt like old times..... until she introduced me to her new boyfriend it destroyed me inside. i know what its like to still be in love with someone it is over with i cant really help but in the spirit of the site i want you to know you are not alone.

-stitches

[iamonlyhuman]

I think if you still have these feelings you should kindly refusse this wedding invitation.

 

This is girl is starting a new life with someone else its painful to know this but the best thing that you can do right now is to NC her, I know your probably tired of hearing it but to NC her will give you a chance to heal and move on and maybe in the future when she feels your absense she might realise that she has made the wrong decision but dont bank on it.

 

Try and move on for your sake and hers. Good Luck and my heart goes out to you, be strong!!

[The_Doc]

just to clarify the ex is not seeing anyone... i've started dating (almost 2 weeks) but she is just not the ex!

 

As for the wedding -- I want to go because I care very much about the two friends who are getting married -- any advice on how to handle the ex on the day? (She is bridesmaid)

[iamonlyhuman]

Ok I dont know why I misinterpreted your post, how did you two break up??

 

I think she is showing subtle hints that she still has feelings for you, its too soon to judge but she is testing the waters to see if you still love her despite you having a new gf on the scene. Also enquiring thourhg other friends is a good sign.

 

I think when you go tothis wedding, after the dance you should find some quiet spot somewhere and talk to her, have a warm conversation with her exactly like you coffee convo....see where it leads and see if she will start opening up.

 

From your post you still having strong feelings for your ex so it wouldn't be fair on your new gf to string her along and continue seeing her, I'd say cool it off until you know where you stand with your ex.

[PlayBrat]

Hey Doc...I agree with the previous poster.

I think you might want to have an honest talk with the new girl

and let her know where you stand. She will respect your honesty.

It's not fair to you OR her to see her while you're in this state of mind.

Women have a tendency to put more into a relationship right away than men do...so while it's still fairly new is the best time to tell her.

This does NOT mean you need to tell your ex about it. She needs to assume you are living your life happily without her. Don't make declarations of your love for her...this should come from her. You can SHOW her...just don't SAY it.

Go to the wedding, and have a good time. This day is about the people getting married, so focus on THAT.

Best of luck!!

[OhioHeartBroken]

Hey Doc, I would have to agree with iamonlyhuman in that you need to either cool it down with your new girlfriend or choose to not pursue anything with your ex.

 

I have been in a somewhat similar situation. I had been broken up with my ex for about 3 weeks when I got my first date. Well the night that I was to meet my now girlfriend I had to attend a wedding in which both me and my ex were in the wedding party and all I could think about was my ex. She would try and make small talk with me. So of course I was so excited to talk to her that I almost forgot I was going to go on a date with another girl that night. Once I was on the date and realized how lucky I was to be on a date with such a wonderful gal i forgot all about my ex. This type of situation can really take you for a rollercoaster ride with a lot of ups and unnecessary downs.

 

I have opted to bow out of any engagements where I know my ex will be because I know in the long run it will make it much harder for me to heal if I see her. I have even had to refuse invitations to dinner where I was invited first but my ex decides she wants to attend as well even though she knows I will be there. By seeing her it clouds my judgement when it comes to my new relationships. If I let someone invest themself in me when I am not committed then what I am doing is no better than what my ex did to me. No one else should have to feel pain because I am hung up on my ex. NC really is the way to go no matter how hard it is. NC doesn;t have to be for ever but it is important to give yourself enough space to heal so that some other person can come to enjoy all the great things about you that someone else took for granted or do I dare say threw away!?

[OhioHeartBroken]

I forgot to say I think you should go to the wedding. Just don't make it about wanting to see your ex. Just like you said, you care a lot of about the people getting married so go there to celebrate their union. I choose to opt out of engagements because they are usually small more intimate matters where I would be forced to interact with my ex. If you choose to stay with your new gal then I say try to avoid any one on one meetings with your ex until you have had time to get over her. I hope this helps!

[The_Doc]

thanks all

 

I told the newbie about the ex. We had a heart to heart on Tuesday evening. I figured that she deserved to know that the ex was going to be at the wedding.

 

I got the conversation on to the topic by asking the newbie about her break-up with her boyfriend knowing that once she had told me all about it she would ask me about my situation. She asked me how I felt about the ex and I told her that I still had feelings for her but that the ex had made it clear the relationship was over and that I was trying to move on and get on with my life. The newbie thanked me for my honesty...

 

She also said that she wanted something casual and fairly relaxed because it was still quite soon after her break up to get deeply involved and because she will be leaving the country towards the end of the year to do vountary work overseas.

 

As for the ex... I find it so frustrating because its so obvious that we still have a spark, still have chemistry and still enjoy each others company. But she remains adamant that the relationship part is over. She has shown no sign of waivering or reaching out. I'm not sure any quiet talk will make any difference... I think that if there is ever any change of heart from her it will be something that will take place post wedding and probably a long, long time from now... and I am not prepared to put my life on hold in the hope of something that may never happen.

 

I have just been surprised by how my feelings for her have not changed in the slightest -- will they ever? I mean can you meet your soulmate only for the two of you never to be destined to be together. I know I can love again, I have loved before. But I just don't know if I can ever love someone as wholly or completely as I love the ex....