emma34 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 It's been a long time since I was here, healing from a devastating relationship, then dealing with my devastated ex. But here I am, feeling that all those issues are continously resurfacing. I've engaged in a few short-lived relationships, but not until recently have I truly felt something for someone. He's been my "boyfriend" now for more than 3 weeks - and although that seems like such a short time...I've already started seriously contemplating running for the hills à la ALL of my relationships in the last 6 months. I've become poster girl for commitment phobia. He's so perfect, but I'm just can't seem to decipher whether my uneasy feelings are coming from him, or my own issues! I want to stay with him, I do. Last night as I lay in his arms, the i love you words were dangling in my mind, which made me happy, because it reminded me of what happened with me ex...finally, something familiar. Not only is my own relationship issues scaring me, but the fact that as this just began, one of my dear friends whom I have secretly liked for years confessed his love for me. I feel screwed! I've decided I couldn't let this chance go, for someone I know will be around (altho that may sound bad). But to get to my point, I think I might break up with current beau. Because I like him so much, I've never felt such an uncomfortable feeling about what to say, and I've discovered he has SAME relationship issues, which makes things so much harder. We're both so nonchalant about stuff that is truly important and so guarded. what do you think?? Stick it out and wait till I get dumped by HIM the commitment phobe? Or dump him myself and avoid the pain??? I have no idea what his intentions with me are, but I'm not willing to get burned AGAIN (like ex did)! Link to comment
DN Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 At what point in your life do you think you would realise that being a 'commitment-phobe' was going to lead you into being alone for the rest of your life? Or perhaps you think being alone for the rest of your life would be a good thing because then you would have no commitment to anyone - lover, partner, husband, children, grandchildren. There would be no risk of these people ever hurting you because they would never exist. Link to comment
charlotte_skye Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 I dont understand ?? you say you have committment issues, that this guy is great perfect you feel alot etc etc so its making you wnat to run but THEN you say how this guy u have secretly liked for ages has told you he likes you so you cant let this chance go............huh? sounds to me like you dont have commitment phobia AT ALL, your just tryin to believe that because the real reason you wanna leave your current bf ( for the other guy) makes you feel guilty. break up with your current bf because you do not like him enough, go out with the other guy, tell your now bf you like someone else............theres really no drama Link to comment
emma34 Posted June 30, 2005 Author Share Posted June 30, 2005 i think i may have been slightly misleading with me 'chance' line. I had already decided to stay with current boyfriend, chose him over other friend. That's not an issue, just making things a little more complicated. Link to comment
chai714 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 I've never believed in the Hollywood term, "committment phobe" and am still not sold. It seems you are afraid of either getting hurt (unconscious fear) or you do not know what you want in a person because you don't know what a healthy relationship consists of. Either way, you're probably wasting your time with this new guy because of your mindset. Love is a risk - only when you're ready to take a chance are you ready to actually start dating again. It also means that you should be sure of who you are, what you want, and what you stand for. As far as you being afraid, you only fear your current boyfriend because you do not trust either yourself, him, or both. But right now, it's not fair to your current boyfriend because you're not giving him your best effort. Either work on your own issues with him, or get rid of him and then work on your issues. Link to comment
charlotte_skye Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Im not sure how i feel about the term committment phobe either........... emma if you met ur dream guy do you honestly feel you would run away from him? is it possible these guys just arent right.? chai.......u say you dont believe the hollywod term commitment phobic and i agree alot of self help books on rships r just bull to me..........but then u say maybe emma is just scared of gettin hurt..........so is it that u do believe ppl can still run form rships IF they ares cared of other things such as gettin hurt etc but just do not believe in ppl being scared of commitment????? do you believe some things can hold ppl off being in rships tho even if they do wanna be with em etc? Link to comment
chai714 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 chai.......u say you dont believe the hollywod term commitment phobic and i agree alot of self help books on rships r just bull to me..........but then u say maybe emma is just scared of gettin hurt..........so is it that u do believe ppl can still run form rships IF they ares cared of other things such as gettin hurt etc but just do not believe in ppl being scared of commitment????? do you believe some things can hold ppl off being in rships tho even if they do wanna be with em etc? Fear of committment means that you are afraid to settle down with one person. But it's not committment that this person fears, it is the mere fact that they fear getting hurt and aren't ready to date yet OR the person they're seeing does not share enough common ground with them and/or other reasons. The bottom line is that they're not compatible - NOT that they are actually afraid of committment. Nobody actually fears committment. To answer your question, a healthy relationship can not be formed if one person is scared of getting hurt because he/she will hold back and supress his/her true feelings. They aren't willing to show they care about the other person because they want to be sure it is "safe." In other words, the level of trust has not yet been established and they want some reassurance that they will not be hurt by this other person. But, remember with love there are no guarantees. So, you have to take a risk and give it your all when in a relationship otherwise it will not work out well for the long term. Link to comment
Burning_Down Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Nobody actually fears committment. An interesting statement in a number of ways. However, the psychotherapeutic community does recognise such a thing as commitment-phobia. It's strange what the human psyche can create based on reactions to pain it has suffered in the past. Fear of the actual act of committing may well fall into that category - subconsciously we may believe that we cannot be hurt if we are not fully engaged with the relationship, or, indeed, we may start a completely unsuitable relationship to remove the suspense involved in thinking it might go wrong. Whether the poster in question has this "disorder" is another matter. Link to comment
bluetrap Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Burning_Down and Chai, Do you guys think that a person could run from a relationship for the fear of hurting the OTHER person, not themselves? In that they are not good enough to keep the person happy, and they don't want to hurt the other person, so they split? Link to comment
DN Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 I have no evidence for this but I also wonder if a true fear of commitment is not akin to claustrophobia. Link to comment
chai714 Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Do you guys think that a person could run from a relationship for the fear of hurting the OTHER person, not themselves? In that they are not good enough to keep the person happy, and they don't want to hurt the other person, so they split? So you're asking whether or not feelings of inadequacy would cause the person who is feeling that way to run from a relationship? This person would have low self-esteem and would probably be insecure, but my guess is that they would tend to cling to their relationship (provided it gives them a sense of security). With that being said, I think that they could leave someone for fear of hurting them, but in my opinion it is highly unlikely as the real reasons are actually embedded in the insecure person.[/i] Link to comment
DN Posted June 30, 2005 Share Posted June 30, 2005 Do you guys think that a person could run from a relationship for the fear of hurting the OTHER person, not themselves? In that they are not good enough to keep the person happy, and they don't want to hurt the other person, so they split? So you're asking whether or not feelings of inadequacy would cause the person who is feeling that way to run from a relationship? This person would have low self-esteem and would probably be insecure, but my guess is that they would tend to cling to their relationship (provided it gives them a sense of security). With that being said, I think that they could leave someone for fear of hurting them, but in my opinion it is highly unlikely as the real reasons are actually embedded in the insecure person.[/i] I think that would be likely in a lot of cases but I doubt there is a general rule. True love has an element of altruism, so I can see that someone who recognises they have problems that are destructive to them and potentially their partners, may well decide that the partner is better off without them. Lets say for example, that you knew you had insoluble problems that kept you from holding down a good job and being even moderately successful or stable. You might decide that you were not likely to be a good prospect for a long-term relationship and not want to inflict those issues on a partner. Link to comment
Burning_Down Posted July 1, 2005 Share Posted July 1, 2005 With that being said, I think that they could leave someone for fear of hurting them, but in my opinion it is highly unlikely as the real reasons are actually embedded in the insecure person.[/i] This is probably true. Commitment phobia, if it does exist, is a defense mechanism of the psyche and as such exists to protect that psyche, rather than another. Link to comment
bluetrap Posted September 11, 2005 Share Posted September 11, 2005 So I have not talked to V in over two months. We talked once at the end of June, then I called him a couple of times during the first week of July, and he did not answer or return my calls. After that, I stopped calling him. I have not contacted him AT ALL since then (over two months), and have been living my own life. The past couple of days, I have missed him SOOOO much, and really have this strong urge to call him and see how he's doing. I told myself that I would not call him till his birthday (Oct. 2), but I really want to call him now. The only thing that I keep thinking is that I am not ready to call him, cause if he were to tell me that he is seeing someone else, I would be devastated. At the same time, I just want to know how he's doing I am having a hard time deciding this one, and I need some opinions, please!! Link to comment
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