Help with telling my boyfriend what I'm not okay with.

[xmrth]

I trust my boyfriend... but just the whole turning 21 and alchohol thing gets to me.

I know it's summer and I don't want him swimming in a pool if other girls are going to be there. I'm just not okay with that because I know for a fact there'd be alchohol which will impair judgment.

I told him early one morning because this was on my mind... I told him, and he just agreed that he wouldn't. But since it was so early, I'm paranoid he forgot about it. I don't really think he'd jump into a pool with girls... that's just not him. But I just want to be clear on it. I mean, I don't even KNOW if there's girls that hang around his friend's house who has the pool. And I don't even know if they even go into it. I just know that the other night they were going to, but changed plans. I don't think he has a problem with not doing that for me... I just want to lightly bring it up to make myself clear.

 

I'm also not happy with him going to bars. He is just going with a bunch of other guys, but I am afraid of it turning into an every weekend thing. He has said himself that he doesn't like bars and thinks they're stupid, but I guess it's something new to do with the guys.

I'm also afraid of him drinking too much if he's at a party and there's girls there. But I don't think he would... See, my problem is not really knowing the entire situation, but situations change so I can't really say that what goes on one night will be standard for all the other get togethers.

 

He's been drinking since he was like 12 or 13, and I've been with him since he was 15. And when he was that young for a few years after, he DID drink with other girls around, and I was okay with it (I was more carefree in my own mind) and NOTHING ever happened. He never screwed up and I know.

So I assume that since he's been in these situations while drunk, that he must have some sort of good control over his actions?

Is this correct?

 

Anyways, I'm wondering also how I can touch the subject of the pool one more time just so I know he knows I'm not alright with it (what if some girl grabs him or pulls his shorts down?? I can trust him but I can't trust other girls!)

and the bar is just... I trust him-- but I wouldn't be happy with it being an every weekend thing, so maybe I should hold off on saying anything about that until he actually does go too much, IF he even does? Or is the bar really not that big of a deal since it's just the guys?

[P-Frenchie]

I think that perhaps you are being a little too controlling when it comes to telling your boyfriend what he can/can't do. If he's 21, you should trust him to be responsible enough with alcohol. I find it pretty rash that you don't want him swimming if there are other girls there... you need to trust him (and his ability to handle himself in the company of other females) or you will drive your bf away with such a controlling attitude.

[xmrth]

I never tell him anything he can't do. Telling him that I don't want him in a pool with other girls would be new and on its own. I did just tell him but I think he was half asleep... and I just want to be clear I suppose. He sounded like he heard me, so should I just leave it at that?

MOST importantly-- do I not have anything to worry about?

I'm just afraid if, what if some girl pulls his shorts down, or grabs his crotch or something?

 

The bar I'm actually okay with more than it might sound, it's just that I'm afraid of him doing it every weekend. I don't know if I'm going to say anything about that, though. I think I have to get used to it because it's new.

[annie24]

Well... I do have to agree with Frenchie, it does kind of sound like you are trying to control him....

 

I'm just afraid if, what if some girl pulls his shorts down, or grabs his crotch or something?

 

I dunno - this sounds kind of like an irrational fear. The same thing can happen in a bar, or anywhere else with drunk people. If he's a good bf, he'll move her hand away and say, "Hey - I have a gf!" You can't control your boyfriend's actions, much less, the actions of the random drunk people around him.

 

From your other posts, it sounds like your bf is devoted to you. I don't know you guys personally, but 5 years is a long time, and it seems like you two should trust each other. As long as he hasn't given you a reason not to trust you, trust that he won't mess around with other girls. And besides, if he's going to cheat, he's going to cheat no matter if he's at bars or pool parties - cheaters find a way.

 

Telling him he can't go to the bars with his friends will only make him resent you. After all, like you said, he doesn't like drinking, and he's only going to be with his buddies.

 

Why are you not invited to these pool parties?

[xmrth]

That is true... I mean, if a girl touched him he'd probably yell at the girl and be defensive, but the problem is not really knowing what he'd do or where it would lead to.

Another big issue I have is that I've NEVER BEEN drunk, so I have no idea what control a person has over their actions... but like I said, he's been drinking for so long, and hasn't done anything wrong... I looked around the forum for posts on being drunk, and they had such negative responses that basically spelled out "trouble and loss of control." But like I said, he apparently has control, but I don't really know what it's like to reassure myself.

 

I am not invited to the 'pool parties' because there really aren't any... it's more of a spontaneous thing that he may do when he's with the guys. I'm just afraid of there being girls there, because his friends tend to... like sl*tty girls. And I don't go out with him and the guys because I've learned of how violent they are. I'm still trying to figure out how my boyfriend is friends with such rough males! He's not a whimp by any means... but these guys are kind of crazy-- such as throwing beer bottles at people and violent. Not sure how a girl would even want to be around them, but most of my issues are things that I think too much about

[Hope75]

I have to agree with both Annie and French...

 

Your first sentence says you trust you bf... and then you go into a list of things you don't want him to do, where if you trusted him you would have no problem with him going swimming and having a feer beers, or go to a bar with friends, which he has every right to do.

 

Why don't you trust him??

 

Whether you want to think so or not, xmrth, you are trying to control him. This has been an ongoing issue with you, a while back when he had friends from the military home and was spending alot of time with him/them you were acting jealous of the friends and not wanting him to spend so much time with them vs. seeing you, who is around all the time.

 

Another time you wanted him to call you constantly and only do things with you, following in suit with this other couple who was suffocatingly close.

 

It really sounds as though you have alot of insecurities to work on.

 

Your boy is 21, and being able to legally drink and go to bars is a novelty to someone when they turn 21, he should be able to go and do those things if he wants to.

 

If I were him and you were telling me you didn't want me to go swimming in case there were girls there or to a bar for the same reason, I'd be upset that you didn't trust me and chances are, after you tried putting enough restrictions on me, I'd leave you.

 

You really need to figure out why you don't trust him, and why you act so posessively toward him. He is his own person, not your property, and he can and should be able to do things without you if he so chooses.

 

If he has given you reason not to trust that is a different issue, one you need to talk to him about, but after 5 years with him it doesn't seem like he has done anything to legitimately lose your trust.

 

I think this has more to do with your insecurity than anything else, and I question why you feel this way.

[lillady898]

Well, I kind of understand what xmrth is saying.

You see, there are a lot of people I trust whole-heartedly... But not when they're drunk. People are not themselves when they are drunk, and many times do not know what they're doing. I can see how she could be a bit fearful of him hooking up with another girl if he's out getting wasted. But if he limits what he drinks, I don't see there being a problem if he's always been a trustworthy person. But... I don't even trust myself when I'm drunk (which is why I rarely drink).

 

But drunk people... They can't control themselves. A boyfriend once claimed to have complete control of himself regardless of how much he drank. I didn't believe it, and all of my worst fears were confirmed when this otherwise trustworthy guy cheated on me. He was honest about it. I'm not trying to scare you, but I'm just letting you know. Stuff does happen when there is alcohol involve and I truly don't believe you are being irrational at all.

 

See, in my opinion, people can do whatever the want. I will never try to control a guy. But if a guy does somethign I don't approve of, like, or if it is totally against my values, I also don't have to stay with him. That's my opinion. So if you really can't stand what he is doing, sometimes maybe it's better to leave him. (Of course, that's worse case scenario).[/i]

[xmrth]

I do trust him, but I suppose I don't in some way since I'm so scared.

What I'm scared of more than anything is the alchohol. I just don't know how it can affect a person. I've never seen him with my own eyes when he's drunk, and I myself have never been drunk. I know when he's sober I can trust him with all my heart, but I am just not sure about while drunk.

And just in case if anyone asks, he is not by any means an alchoholic. He just drinks socially.

 

I was thinking maybe I could tell him I'm not alright with im drinking too much if there's girls around. I don't think he would drink alot if there are... but on top of that, I don't know how to explain that to him without using ONLY those words.

[lillady898]

Well, it shouldn't really be considered a restriction or controlling, anyways. Controlling how much he drinks around other females should be something he *wants* to do while in a relationship. NOONE can control there actions when they're drunk, and it would be naive of someone to say they can.

 

I don't get drunk around males, and my boyfriend doesn't get drunk around girls. We do it because we don't want to risk our relationship. It's called a COMPROMISE.

 

(I really don't understand what would be bad about him swimming with other girls though? I think that's were it becomes controlling... Since he can deal with his actions if he is sober and trustworthy.)

[Hope75]

If this guy knows he is prone to act stupid when he drinks than he can limit what he has to drink. That is part of him being trustworthy, him knowing his limits. My bf and I both drink, probably once a week or so on the weekend, and he will go out with guy friends on occasion and have a few, as I will do with my gf's, but I trust him because he knows his limits, and even on his worst night he has never stepped out of line and done anything to betray my trust, and the same goes for me.

 

I think xmrth is being way out of line telling him that she doesn't want him doing this and that. If she thinks he gets out of line when he drinks and he's given her a reason not to trust him, she needs to leave. If he's always acted responsible, and knows his limits, than she has no right to tell him he can't go to a bar with friends or swimming with friends.

 

There are women everywhere, and if he wanted to cheat he would. He wouldn't need alcohol as an excuse. I think xmrth is extremely insecure and not just because of this post, but because of this combined with threads she has made. She is trying to control him because she is insecure and does not trust him, in my book that's a recipe for a disasterous relationship.

[Hope75]

Controlling how much he drinks around other females should be something he *wants* to do while in a relationship.

 

This is part of being trust worthy, him knowing when to cut himself off, if he's afraid he is going to step out of line while intoxicated.

 

It shouldn't be something she feels she needs to tell him to do. She isn't his mother but it sure seems like she's trying....

 

If you can't trust him, what's the point of being with him?

[lady00]

I guess the whole alcohol thing can be worrisome if you don't know what to expect. Yes, being drunk impairs your judgement but I am of the belief that it doesn't make you go out and start hooking up with people and it doesn't make you forget you have a significant other. I think that when ppl use the "I was drunk" excuse it's kinda lame and I don't really buy it...being drunk doesn't make you kiss people...it might lower your inhibitions and make you say silly things but unless you are totally gone (which no one should ever be cause binge drinking is very dangerous) you know what you're doing even when you're drunk. I think it's important for you to realize that you can't prevent other girls from coming onto your bf or from doing innapropriate things but that doesn't mean your bf will just simply go with whatever a girl wants. If he is into you and respects you then he will turn any girl away that tries anything with him so the fact that you don't trust other girls around him is not really a good reason to fear that he will act innapropriately. He is in charge of his own behavior. If a girl tries to grab him or kiss him or whatever, it is he who will say no to her if he so chooses...just because a girl tries to do something doesn't mean he has to accept so when you say you trust him but not other girls, that's just another way of saying you don't trust him. After 5.5 years ( if i recall correctly from your other posts), have a little more faith in him.

[xmrth]

Hope, do you think there's a way I could at least ask him if he limits himself? But then again, I've asked him before.. he laughed and said that he has drank so much that he's blacked out, but also he was with all just guys. But I mean what if that's not always the case, what if there's girls there and they are so drunk they end up doing something really bad...?

It's just so much uncertainty. Should I just leave it at that and not bother to worry? I just don't know... because then I'll hear about how someone was cheated on and I automatically think "what if that's going to happen to me??"

 

-edit-

Thank you all so much for these responses. I just missed two while I was typing this up.

He says that he can control what he does, and adds that he's been drinking since 12 and 13... so then it really is true that he can control himself other than just being loud or rowdy--(for example)?

 

I think that hits it right where I'm worried, lady00.

I suppose it really is me being afraid of him following through, which I didn't realise makes it me not trusting him... I never thought of it that way. I suppose then if I trust him when he's sober, I should trust him even while drunk? I can do that as long as it's realistic... because if that's true I think it's how I can get over it.

[Hope75]

Lady00 is exactly right. He is in charge of his own behaviour and being drunk does not make you forget you have a bf or gf.

 

If he loves and respects you he would turn down any advances made by another girl, and if he does not, he isn't trustworthy and you should not be with him anyway.

 

I don't think you should be telling him anything. If he steps out of line and acts irresponsibly, you should leave. If you feel you cannot trust him to keep his pants on and keep himself in check even if someone should hit on him, you should leave. You have no business telling him what to do and what not to do.

 

Hopefully he is mature enough and intelligent enough to act responsibly and know his limits. You say he only drinks socially, I'm assuming by that you mean it's pretty occasionally.

 

If he is going to cheat, he is going to cheat, and you aren't going to be able to stop him by placing these rules and regulations on him. Trust me, if anything, it is going to have to opposite effect of what you want. If he feels you are trying to tell him what to do he's just going to push the other way.

 

Don't be an insecure dictator. You've been with him for 5.5 years, obviously there is something there. Trust in yourself and the fact that after all this time he should love and respect you and know that you are worth being faithful to, and if he doesn't, he isn't worth your time.

[xmrth]

So basically... if he isn't going to cheat, he wont even if he's drunk?

I just have it in my head that if a person's drunk, they're going to get physical with someone... it's all I see on TV and I hear about it happening so much on the forums and from people I know in person...

 

I think that no matter what, because it's 'possible' I'm going to worry... I've got to just snap out of that and alot of other things...

[annie24]

Yes, xmrth, that's what I think. If he's not the cheating type, he won't cheat, drunk or sober. Like lady said, a lot of people blame stupid stuff they did on booze (myself included), but really, it's just stuff they would have done sober, and their inhibitions were lowered (myself included).

 

definitely, I think saying things like, "I don't want you going to pool parties or bars" or anything like that will just backfire. He will feel like he's being controlled, and he's going to rebel. You're a lot better off saying, "Great! Have a good time!" when he goes out. Remember - you're his gf, not his mother. He will feel resentful towards you if he feels like you are giving him a curfew again or whatever. Part of 21 is going out and drinking with your friends, and if he feels like he's being treated like he's 12 again, he's going to resent you.

 

I think you should really get to the bottom of why you feel so insecure in this relationship. There are counselors on most university campuses, you may consider talking with one about insecurity issues. Maybe they can help you out.

[xmrth]

Those are my exact plans as soon as my next semester starts. As soon as I go back there, I am seeing the counselor. I wanted to see a therapist this summer, but it will cost so much money that doesn't need to be spent if I can just wait another 2 months. I've just been trying to keep things to myself and not cause damage... and come here for advice, and read self-help books. I've improved alot though I don't think anyone can tell because it's more of my emotional state. I have no idea what makes me think of the things I do, but I hope the cause can be found and resolved. It's got to be a combination of so many things.... ugh. I don't even know.

 

And THANK YOU everyone for your advice. I'm not going to say a word to my boyfriend. I will be supportive when he goes out.. but I think the only easy way of doing that is being happy he had a good time after he's home when I know my fears didn't come true.

[Hope75]

You just have to trust that after 5.5 years together that he loves and respects you enough not to mess around on you, drunk or sober. I agree with Annie that if the intentions are there he will be more likely to do it drunk while his inhibitions are lowered, but if he isn't the type than being drunk is not likely to change that.

 

I definitely recommend going to counseling when you can to try and work through these issues, but trying to control your bf isn't going to work, and it anything it will drive him away from you.

 

Trust in him and the strength of your relationship.

[lillady898]

I come from a family background of alcoholics, with the exeption of my parents. Grandparents, uncles, and aunts. I've seen the dangers of it and that was exactly what I was saying. If they control HOW MUCH they drink, they will be fine. And if he does that, he is responsible and trustworthy. Many people may use, "I was drunk," as an excuse. I'll buy that, because a couple of my uncles used it as a lame excuse. But if you've ever been drunk to a point where you don't remember what you did and those minutes (or hours) are hours that are completely blank, you'll know that in those moments you cannot control what you do. You are completely out of it and have the mentality of a 4 year old. I've been dumb enough to get to that point (haven't done it since, of course) and luckily I wasn't dating anyone at the time. I don't remember what I did, a close friend told me, and it's something I wouldn't have even thought of doing had I been sober. It's very naive to think that alcohol doesn't control people if they drink enough. I know how awful alcohol can be and the effects of it. But you are right- It would never get to this point if he is trustworthy and worth having. I don't know any of xmrth's previous posts, thereforeeee, I don't know if she has control issues. But I can see why she may be a bit frightened when it comes to alcohol-related issues. (I still don't understand what's bad about swimming with other members of the opposite sex; is that cheating now?)

 

And as I said before, it's not good to try to control someone. You don't have to accept/condone someone's behavior. You always have the option to leave.

[xmrth]

Well, last night I actually got to see how my own boyfriend is when he's drinking. He didn't drink that much (or did he?)

He had one beer from the bottle, and about 5 medium cups of it at a show we went to.

He acted NO differently.

 

He made this one comment about the show and the crowd... about how he's been to concerts and girls have been groped in there. I said "how do you know?" and he said "I just know" and I said "oh you did it?" and he said "No obviousely I didn't I've been with you since I was fr**gin 15." So that was an incredible answer, even though I knew he wouldn't do that anyway.

haha, so anyways, the comments I've gotten on this and just being with him like that last night (and him ignoring the pretty girls AND saying a mean remark to the super-model-ish bartender... who kept going up to him asking him if he wanted more beer when he had a full cup of it. He called her a f***** idiot when she turned around, so I feel like he must not go for the girls I'm afraid of because he always kind of brushes them off as stupid and annoying) He'd never say something like that to me ever, so obviousely I'm just fine with that comment!

So it made me feel like I said, the girls I'm afraid of that would be all crazy and try to get with him he'd not be interested in anyway on top of it not being in his nature to do something while drunk and drinking.

 

That might sound mean, but I'm just saying this is how I am getting over being this way concerning him. This weekend he'll probably be out with his friends (but I'm with him all day on the 4th) and I feel so confident and worry-free. I hope it lasts.

[annie24]

I hope it lasts too. I mean, you can't live your entire life worried if he's going to mess around on you behind your back. A life of fear is no way to live. He seems quite trustworthy, and he seems to care about you deeply, so I doubt he'd want to throw it all away for one drunken night.

 

But, if he did do something like that, would you really want him back?

[xmrth]

I don't know because I think about that and I just don't think he'd do it (which means I shouldn't have worried in the first place). But if he did, I don't believe he'd ever do it again, or even drink much for that matter. I know he's not let himself drink so much that he gets really sick because he's gotten really sick and says he'd never again (and hasn't... and drank that much before we even went out so he's not done it for this long), so I know he doesn't drink to that extent. I hope that means he doesn't drink until he looses control. But I really don't know what it's like.

 

I don't know why but asking me that makes me worry again. I think way too deeply into things

[annie24]

You're going to have to come to terms with yourself. I definitely think you should figure out why you feel this way. I mean, 5 years he's been by your side, and he isn't acting shady, so where do these suscpicions come from? I know that even when I've had wwaaayyy too much to drink, that doesn't mean that I'll go and cheat.

[xmrth]

I think it's just the fact that it could happen... the only thing I can compare it with is being a hypochondriac.

Since I was little until I was 18, I was so afraid of being sick or dying because it happened to other people. I read a book that changed that, the Panic to Power book.

So I feel like it's kind of like this-- as long as I've heard of cheating going on with other poeple, I feel like it can happen to me.

Maybe I should read that book again with this in mind rather than fear of getting sick. The fear of being cheated on didn't come until within the past 2 years, and I don't know exactly when but just hearing about it and being on this forum where other people post about being cheated on... I guess it built up inside.

[annie24]

But, you're not afraid of riding in a car, even though thousands of people die each year in car accidents? And I bet you're not afraid to cross the street, even though lots of people each year get hit by cars. You have to get your fear under control.

 

I remember reading some statistics like, 50% of married people cheat. (Ok, you're not married, but you're in a LTR.) Anyways, that means that 50% of people DON'T cheat! Remember, here on eNotalone, the "cheating" population is over-represented, as people wouldn't post here unless they had some sort of relationship problem.

 

You may want to stay away from the infidelity forum in that case, and maybe look at other posts in other forums...