Ex-Boyfriend Back into my life...but I'm married????

[ssimons77]

Ok well here goes nothing...about 2 weeks ago, my ex-boyfriend from 11 years ago called my parents for my phone number. He knows I'm married and he wanted to rekindle our friendship. That's fine...except for the fact that I am in love with him and always have been. I don't feel that I married my soulmate, but more married out of comfort and convinience than love. My ex and I since he called, have gotten together and hung out and went to dinner etc. and it feels so natural like we never were apart. His family loves me and we just have a lot of fun. I have been married for almost 5 years, with him for almost 9 years and I am so confused and lost right now. My marriage at this point has been abusive, and I told my ex that I don't want him to be my "out" or my excuse for leaving...it just happened that he has impeccible timing for coming back into my life. Being with the man I've been with for 9 years, I don't even feel as close to as I do my ex and it is driving me nuts. I don't know what to do because I truly do love him with my entire heart and always will. I have told him exactly how I feel, and he feels the same but is confused and nervous and scared because he doesn't want to be the "other man" and he doesn't want to be the reason I leave my husband...he also won't clarify exactly how he feels or what he thinks would happen if I did leave my husband because he doesn't want to cloud my thinking which at this point is already clouded. I guess I don't know what my question really is other than I don't know what to do anymore or where to go and I'm scared. Has anyone else had a similar situation?

[ssimons77]

Just so you all know as well...we have not done anything that would corrupt my marriage vows as in a physical or sexual relationship...that is actually the furthest from my mind at this point. I just want to figure out what I need to do...

[starion]

you have been with your present man for 9 years/5 married.

i say stick to what you have, have faith in your relationship/marriage.

at the time of crisis, like you have, you are more emotionally weak and ready to fall for almost anything. the past bf is more than almost anything, i understand.

you may think that you don't love your husband at this point, but you don't just stay with someone from 18 to 27 out of convenience or comfort.

believe me, if not for ex bf, there would some other guy that you would just all of a sudden develop feelings for.

at one point i also thought that man this girl from way back is the one i need or it may be this that i liked all along, that maybe the one for me.

it is all BS, send the ex back to the past, this is my advice

[Shadows Light]

You said you are in an abusive relationship????? ok... concentrate on that first.... have you seen counseling... have you tried to fix it.... work all the angles on your marriage????

 

Your friend will always be your friend regardless... and no... no one wants to be anyones get away vehicle. Getaway vehicles usually wind up on the side of the rode.. much worse for wear.

 

If you are in an abusive relationship... you need to put a stop to the abuse. For yourself. I think this BF sparked some life in you that you'd thought long dormant.... abused women sometimes just let it happen thinking ... nothing will change... this is all there is. You get robbed of your self confidence and your self esteem.

 

Work on you.... first... everything else will fall into place at its proper time.

[martyj]

if you have always loved that guy and dont love your husband then i say follow your heart

 

think about why you guys broke up in the first place or take some time go away if oyu can and figure out why you feel the way you do.

 

Consult your close friends and family but i believe sometimes you need to follow your heart and yes you can stay with someone for convenince alot of people do.

[ssimons77]

Thank you for your words of advice. I know I need to work on me first and yes I am going to counseling. My husband doesn't believe he's part of the problem so he will not go with me...this is where my dilemma lies. I know I cannot replace my abusive marriage with the new relationship I have with my ex, but I know I'd be happier either with him or alone but I cannot be happy with ANYONE until I'm happy with myself and I'm working on that. I will eventually follow my heart I am sure...it's just getting to that point that is the scary part.

[starion]

i sent you a private message if you want to talk

[Nkaleidoscopic]

i think i agree with starion. Stick with what you have. Make the most of it.

[starion]

Nkaleidoscopic,

 

i am glad i make sense to someone.

i just wish i made this much sense when I was 15 like you, so I wouldn't be on this message boards to begin with

[Shadows Light]

Glad to hear you are in counseling. Stick with it and believe in yourself.

If you ever want to PM me... feel free. Great book to read..

"The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans....

 

I agree... coming to some conclusions are very difficult and have to be done on your own. You'll know when you've hit the right one for you.

You'll just know.

 

Bless you and angels keep you safe and strong. Hang in there.

[Cecelius]

I think counselling for YOU about YOU is the best thing right now. You will want to figure out why you married/have been with a man for so long that you truly don't seem to like.

 

The ex is psychological blip. Best to leave him alone until you're right with yourself.

[hockeyboy]

i dont think you should stick with an abusive relationship..espeacially if your heart is not into it as it appears.

[ssimons77]

Well I agree with you hockeyboy...I shouldn't stay in an abusive relationship because it isn't healthy for me and I'm not happy. And I'm not falling for anything with my ex-bf actually. He doesn't want to be the other man or anything like that. He just wants to work on our friendship because he doesn't want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage and I don't blame him...that's not what he's doing. I know it's easy to give in when you're emotionally distraught and are not getting the attention or love you deserve, but I recognize the problem here and just need to find my next steps.

 

Thanks again for all of the advice. It's good to hear both sides of the coin.

[chai714]

Nobody should stay in an abusive relationship (including yourself). At the same time, nobody should leave any long term relationship and jump into another one. If you do decide to leave your husband, make sure to seek professional help. I'm a firm believer in bettering yourself immediately following any relationship, but to stay in an abusive one is self-torture. It's fine to keep in touch with your ex, but work on the current situation at hand first, and that is either getting out of the abusive situation or improving the situation by communicating to your current husband to seek counseling.

[brando]

If your marriage is abusive, then i would seek help their first. If you husband is not aking responsibility for his abusive behavoir, then he probably will just progress. No one deserves to be abused. And just because your married is no reason to stay.

 

Maybe tell your ex as you already did, you would like to be friends or stay in contact, and you need to settle your marriage troubles first.

 

Without conseling, and your husband some individual counseling, their is little hope he will change. This isnt something one can do on their own. Depending on the severity of the abuse, the severity of your wounds, he is going to have to make a promise to himself first and to you he will work on his behavior.

 

From what i have read on abuse, the longer yo stay without seeking any help, or him seeking any help the more you enable him to treat you this way. Dont enable him.

 

Start taking care of yourself, and try to understand that he has some problems. Their is a great book called Why Does He do That? It is about emotional and verbal abuse, control and it touches on physical abuse which begins with the first two mentioned above. I wouldnt stick wit this and hope things get better... you could be fataly harmed. And no marriage is worth that, no person is worth it.

 

Best of luck.