Should I call him or wait until he calls me?

[misslonelyheart]

General gist of story:

 

BF left me 4 months ago, hadn't had any contact for last nine weeks until I had to email him to sort out financial issue between us. In response to this email, he asked me for my mobile phone number 'for emergencies'(?!). I didn't reply to this because I only wanted the contact to be about sorting out practicalities.

 

but now I am wondering if I should give him my number so that this may be a start to communication between us that may (or may not) lead to reconciliation - if there is a chance, I want to take it or I would kick myself for the rest of my life not knowing.

 

I have been doing NC (on recommendation of posters on here) and it has helped me move on and feel a heck of a lot better than I did 4 months ago!. I am at the stage where I don't feel that I need him back, but I still love him and would love to have him back in my life.

 

my question is... as good as NC is for helping you get over your ex and feel better about things, at what point should you contact your ex if you want to try and get them back? Should you contact them at all or only ever wait until they contact you? Does a certain amount of NC tell your ex that you are over them and you wouldn't have them back so what is the point in contacting you? What if your ex is the stubborn type that wouldn't ring you even if they were having doubts about their decision because of fear of rejection, embarrassment, saving face, etc...?

 

basically, somebody has to make a move eventually..should it be me or him?

 

Thanks

[urbangentleman]

Hello Miss Lonely Heart....I feel for your predicament as i am in the same boat only 6 weks NC, and like you believe if there is ever going to be a chance, welcome NC doesnt breed relations if no one's talking????

 

I understand the healing concept as well but what is the point of no return?...Or do we never say never.It's so hard, but if it is to be believed from most posters on here, they say let them come to you if they dumped you.I know my girl is kind of shy and at the same time a long thinker and stubborn, so if i decide to contact her, it might be good, but it also might help.Perhaps we should pm each other and discuss this and see if we can possibly find another solution, although dont know what that could be.Or do we entrust in the advice on here, as we are here for a primary reason other than to vent and not feel so alone or abadoned?

 

I'm split 50/50 on this NC issue, meaning i see the benefits as well as the downside.

 

Not really sure i've helped here, but.....

 

Urban

[The_Doc]

My view on this most people know...

 

I think NC helps but only so much... if there is any doubt I believe that at some point it should be broken but ONLY when you feel emotionally ready to do so.

 

When and if you do you should expect the WORST

 

But you should not go in all guns blazing with a declaration of love and a demand for an aswer to the vexing question fo whether it is over for good. All that will do is make them think you have done nothing all this time except sit there dreaming of reconciliation, make them consider you as their insurance policy etc etc.

 

If the break up was nasty, painful or involved betayal then I think maintaining NC is a MUST -- if they come back they will have to do a lot of grovelling to rebuild your trust.

 

So if and WHEN you feel ready... and initally keep it small talk and see what happens. Remember expect the worst... but I agree better to find out than spend a lifetime wondering 'what if'.

 

Be careful and take care

[misslonelyheart]

Thanks for your replies Urban and The Doc,

 

It is a tricky situation...I know that some people say that if they dumped you, they should contact you first but there must be lots of reasons why they don't contact you, not just that they are never coming back - the reasons I stated before...embarrassed, scared, saving face, maybe feeling that how can they go back and say that they think they have made a mistake after everything they put you through, after devastating you? it can't be easy.

 

I think that I just want him to know that I am approachable if he did want to reconcile. So he knows that he could talk to me and that I wouldn't throw it back in his face or tell him to *@"$ off! or go mad begging and pleading for him to come back! but how can he know this with NC?

 

..I suppose, ultimately, it depends on the nature of the break up and the personalities of the people involved..

 

I am not a game-player or out for revenge, just want to be happy again.

 

[Rainz]

I think before you take steps to break the ice and make contact with him you have know what you hope to achieve by breaking NC. Think about your reasons for doing it and what you want to achieve from it.

 

Generally I think NC is the way to go after a break up. I know each situation is different and not everything is cut and dry etc. The circumstances of the relationship and the break up itself can weigh heavily on how both parties feel after the break up.

 

I generally think if someone wants to be with you, be in your life still they will come and find you if they want to. Even if they are having doubts, are stubborn, shy, scared etc.

I think people makes excuses saying so and so's shy, stubborn etc etc. I think my ex is very much that way, very stuboorn, prideful, not going to give in etc etc even if it's burning him to call me.

However, I too can be all of those things BUT if I truly wanted to make something work with someone whom I didn't want to lose, I would put my pride etc aside to try and make things work. So if I can take such a step so can my ex if he wants to.

 

I think the more you move on and get on with your life is the less desire you have to want them break NC anyway.

[PlayBrat]

Hey Miss Lonely...

 

In reply to your question...think about it...

He asked you for your mobile number...I am no genius but

that is HIS opening I would think. Yeah it might not mean that much

and no you should NOT read too much into it but you can think of

a million reasons why he asked.

In my opinion..if YOU feel 100% strong enough to talk to him with NO expectations, then what will it hurt? It HAS been four months, no? Four months is quite a while to not talk to someone, and it gives you much to discuss...bt whatever you do...do NOT discuss whatever happened, or anything about relationships. Leave him wanting to talk to you more...and if you can...end the call first.

I hope everything goes well

[Royltnxile]

Bingo! You have asked the questions that I am grappling with after 4 months of break up after a 4 month relationship. I want some guidance on these issues myself! My ex called both my phones the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend....didnt leave messages. I'm sure she is feeling alot of the "fear of rejection, saving face, guilt..e.tc...e.tc....I have vowed not to call her back until she calls me and leaves me a message because I don't want to send her the wrong signals that I'm still on her "hook".

[Liquidius]

Well, if you want to make a move then perhaps you should. NC is brilliant for healing, but nothing more than that. If you feel ready to resume contact with him then do so, I can imagine he'll let you know if he doesn't want to talk to you. Right now he's probably dreading the response he'd get from you if he initiated contact.

 

Give it a go - but only if you want to, and only if you feel ready.

[misslonelyheart]

He asked you for your mobile number...I am no genius but that is HIS opening I would think. Yeah it might not mean that much and no you should NOT read too much into it but you can think of

a million reasons why he asked.

 

Yeah, this may seem obvious but this really doesn't mean that he will call me, I feel that maybe this is just a guilt thing and not wanting to been seen as having completely abandoned me after 4.5 years together. (he does have other ways of contacting me though)

 

My main concern with this was rather than seeing this as an attempt at re-establishing contact on his part, should I give him my number but also with small talk to try to get contact going again or leave him completely alone?

[wishingwell]

hi misslonelyheart,

 

I think this is a tricky situation. If he asked for your number, it definitely means something, but thats only if he didn't have other ways of reaching you (like your home phone). But if he does have your home number, he may want it just to keep as a convenience, or maybe he does genuinely want to keep in contact with you.

 

I say give him the number and leave it at that. He'll call if he wants to talk to you. I think if you wanted to see how he feels about the whole relationship, maybe continue emailing about working out your financial situations and add in little small talk. Just dont get your hopes too high. Just be careful... you dont want to go backwards after all the progress you've made.

[misslonelyheart]

I emailed him today about some financial issues between us and I gave him my mobile number that he had asked for twice.

 

his reply was "thanks for the mobile number, hope you are ok".

 

Doesn't sound very promising in terms of starting some kind of contact between us.

 

what do you think? should I just leave it now and see if he contacts me on my mobile? He originally asked for the number for "emergencies" but I can't really see what emergencies there could be that he would need to call me - does it seem that he has only asked for my number just so it looks like he cares but has no intention of contacting me?

 

any ideas?

[The_Doc]

don't call...

 

he aksed for your number and you gave it to him. He now has it and can contact you if he wants. You can't seem too needy and desperate here. Leave the ball in his court for a while and see if anthing develops. Don't push or get your hopes up... expect nothing that way you can only be surprised if something good does happen.

 

In the meantime concentrate on looking after yourself and finding your spirit again.

 

take care

[misslonelyheart]

Got a text from him today to tell me that a letter had arrived at his mums house addressed to me and that it looked personal and would send it on.

 

i replied with thanks and hoped he was ok.

 

Got another text from him saying that it wasn't a problem and that it would be good to have a 'cup of tea' at some point but for me to say when/if.

 

Not sure about the wording of this with the tea thing (although we are english!), he could have just asked if i wanted to meet up or go for a coffee but anyway...

 

What should I do? I don't see this as a much of an opening as he says only if I want to which makes me feel that he would be happy if I said no.

 

I would like a chance of reconciliation if at all possible. so what should I do?

 

Should I delay replying for a few days but then say that meeting would be ok and go from there? or ignore it and see if he contacts me again asking to meet?

 

the next week or two is not good for me anyway as i have my father's funeral on Wednesday and don't really want to have to think about my ex at that time.

 

 

Help please!!

[CarterJonas]

I think you have answered your own question and I agree with you. Put meeting him to the back of your mind for the next few weeks.