Here again...break up after 12 years relationship

[extrox]

Hello, my friends

I'm looking find some different point of view about what have brought me here again: a break-up of a 12 years relationship. I hope you will read it all, if you have the patience.😁 

Our relationship was been like many others, with ups and downs, mainly due to differences in personality traits and problem solving methodologies. Because of this we decided to live each in our own house (but we live in the same building which makes us also neighbours). But it didn't stoped us from spending relatively long periods of time "living together", for ex in vacations or spending time in each others homes without any problems.

Anyways, somehow we always have found ways to solve our differences and carry on with the relationship.

Around two years ago I noticed that she started to treat me bad, verbal abuse...she seemed to be always angry, so much that sometimes, when we were lunching at her parents (usually every weekend) her mother needed to tell her to stop doing that (and I always replied, in a amused way, "Every day, she's going worse!"). I tought there were some issues at work or her daughter (rebelious teen) or menopause so I let it go without complaining. Note that I'm 57 and she's 52 years old.

I noticed this behaviour was becoming worse and worse, so less than one year ago I had to tell her that her abuse was starting to annoy me and it must stop, otherwise I would break up. She agreed to be more careful and stop it. Apparently, everything I say was not "normal" to her, although I have been always the same way. Sometimes, just to play with her, I said outrageous things but even after I tell her that I was just joking, she wouldn't believe me.

She also used to say that my family was not "normal" for whatever reason. To cut a long story short, I noticed a change on how she was viewing me and I started to feel diminished as she was always comparing me with her friends and work colleagues.

Time was passing by and 6 months ago I noticed a 180º change in her as if she stopped to include me in her life. She used to openly tell me what she had done during the day and that suddenly stopped. If I ask her something, many times just to make some conversation, she didn't want to tell me saying that she doesn't have nothing to tell me anything, that I was thinking she was doing "wrong things", etc, etc.

She started to accept invitations from her friends without telling me (not because she had any obligation to tell me but I could have a plan for us together in out short free time). Basically, she would prefer to spend her free time with her friends than with me.

One important thing is that in January 2024 I became unemployed and without possibilities to spend money as I used to. We made several trips abroad and used to go out for the weekends, but because her work is not a well paid one, and I was the one who paid most of it.

Another significant thing is that she had been divorced a few years ago. Still married, she started dating and having sex with a married co-worker. This went on for some years and when we started our relationship she stopped seing that guy because he didn't decided to leave his wife. I confront her with this behaviour (being unfaithful to her husband) and she said that her husband was always working and she started to live her life as if she was single. I noticed that this behavioral pattern was similar to what she was doing with me, with the difference that due to my unemployment I was always there but broke (technically I have good savings for my retirement that I don't want to spend just now, although during the last 6 months she was was always telling me to start spending it before I get too old and ill).

A month ago I made her a comment when I asked her if there was anything wrong. I told her that it seems that she was doing the same that she did with her husband. Her reaction was that I was not enjoying life because I have lots of money and was not using it, that I can't hold a job (because that's the 2nd time I'm unemployed), don't have any friends and stay most of the time at home (I'm not in my hometown like her. Because of that, she knows a lot of people and I don't. The people I know are her family and some co-workers. About spending time at home, I enjoy studying Music Theory which is something difficult to do outside). When she told me I have no friends, I told her that I do have but in my hometown and because spending so much time with her I kind of neglect them. I also told her to present me some of her friends but it trigered a "violent" reaction saying "Those are my friends, not yours".

After noticing so many red flags I decided to put an end to it. After a week long thought, I went to her place and told her that I no longer want to be in a relationship like that. The first thing she told was being unfaithful (because of my confrontation about her past unfaithful behaviour) and then she said that she was not in love with me anymore. She told me that she had already said that a few months ago but I didn't noticed or didn't wanted to ear and block it in my mind.

We had a long talk and reached the conclusion that our relationship seems more like a friendship. She emphasized the fact that we stopped doing sex 3 years ago. This happened because, as I'm not young anymore, I started some medication for my prostate whose side effect is a decrease in libido, and consequently, problems in bed.

When I stopped the medication, which lasted a year, the relationship was in a state where I sometimes didn't open my mouth much for fear that she would have one of those more abusive reactions (which contributed to a decrease in our conversations and intimacy). On the other hand, her gynecologist told her that she was going through menopause and, on several occasions, she told me that she didn't feel like having sex, which misled me. I asked, if sex is so much important, and we've been so much time without it, what have you done about it? At this point I was feeling some inconsistencies and contradictions in her words about sex. She said she had bought some toys. 

If she didn't loved me anymore, I asked her why she didn't end the relationship. She said she felt bad for me because I was always at home, unemployed and without any friends. That made me feel really bad. She also told me that obviously (in her words) she would prefer to spend time with her friends than being with me at home (if it was me, it would feel the same but I would have some consideration and respect for her, I wouldn't simply have gone for my friends swiming pool or having meals at the restaurant without saying nothing like she did multiple times).

After all this, the relationship ended but not without some wierd proposition from her. She proposed to keep things as they were because she doesn't have any intention to seek for another relationship so at least we were together. I didn't accept it because she could not guarantee me that a new relationship would never happen to her. The she said: "I can't guarantee that it would never happen but if it happens, you will be the first one to know." I couldn't believe what she just said. I said that was not good for me because if that happens it will hurt me. I also said that I don't make friends with ex's. That's how I am. Maybe in the future, but for now it won't happen.

This doesn't prevent her from inviting me for coffee several times during the last days. I had to talk to her and ask her to respect my wishes and stop trying to include me in her life (she told me that if things go that route, she will forget me). 

Conclusion: If you had the patience to read through it all, you'll noticed that a series of event led to the relationship to be worn out. If all the minor issues have been adressed in due time, maybe it wouln't have reached this situation.

But there is more.... my supposition of why she wants so much to be friends with me. Apart from the fact that it will eases her guilt, during our relationship she enjoyed a life style that she couldn't afford as I was basically paying many things...luches, dinners, vacations abroad, etc. Also my family, owns two different houses at the beach, with swimming pool at all that comes with it. By staying friends she would have access to all this, as well as my company (which seems to be not good enough, because once all the above were removed from the equation, she prefered to enjoy more her friends' company).

By other hand, I lost confidence in her just because of her attittudes and way of thinking about relationships (keep me on hold until a possible new relationship appears). And I also don't know if she was saying the truth when she said there was no one new in her life (considering what I explained before, it can be true... or not).

So, at this moment, she stoped all contact following my request. We were scheduled to go on vacation in August but I have decided to go alone with my daughter (she is an adult and lives abroad).

Well, that's my story. Thank you for reading it all and hopefully you'll give me some new perspectives on this.

[extrox]

There's a mistake in my initial post

Can't find the edit button.

Where you read:

After noticing so many red flags I decided to put an end to it. After a week long thought, I went to her place and told her that I no longer want to be in a relationship like that. The first thing she told was being unfaithful (because of my confrontation about her past unfaithful behaviour) and then she said that she was not in love with me anymore. She told me that she had already said that a few months ago but I didn't noticed or didn't wanted to ear and block it in my mind.

Should be:

After noticing so many red flags I decided to put an end to it. After a week long thought, I went to her place and told her that I no longer want to be in a relationship like that. The first thing she told was that she wasn't being unfaithful (because of my confrontation about her past unfaithful behaviour) and then she said that she was not in love with me anymore. She told me that she had already said that a few months ago but I didn't noticed or didn't wanted to ear and block it in my mind.

Sorry about that.

[ShySoul]

Made it through. Luckily years of dealing with my family has trained me with a great deal of patience. 😉

Seems like you've done a good deal of analying the situation, so not sure how much new perspective I can provide. You're right, this was a long time coming and all the minor things finally built into something that was inevitable. I think that's how it usually goes. Problems aren't dealt with when they happen, so history repeats. People carry over resentments and hurt feelings so are less tolerant or forgiving in the future. It becomes easier to brush things aside or ignore them to the point where you come to except it as how things work. Then something just snaps and you can't take it anymore. Same thing happened to my parents after 25 years.

On her end, she seems rather judgmental. Criticizing your family, verbally abusing you, telling you what you should be doing. "Normal" is whatever YOU choose it to be. If you enjoy doing the things you do, then it's not her place to say otherwise. And however she is feeling isn't an excuse to put you down. The rational thing to do would have been to talk it over with you long ago. Can't say why she didn't or what lead her to these behaviors, but instead of handling things maturely, she kept doing things to make it worse.

You didn't help though. The egging her on, even as a joke, just served to make her madder. That anger fueled the resentments that were already there and became justification for her words and actions. You held your tongue out of fear of her reactions. If things had reached a point where you were afrain to speak, that should have been an indication of serious trouble. You needed to communicate with each other, and not have it dissolve into argueing or bickering.

If you both agree this is over, then the focus should be on what you each need in order to move on. Normally I would say to stay friends if possible, but it doesn't sound like thats possible here. Her idea of keeping things as they are isn't really a break up. It's staying together out of convenice in a situation that you both agree doesn't work. That's going to prevent you from moving on, growing, and finding something that will make you happier. It doesn't even have to be a relationship you find. But neither of you are happy as is. You need to figure out what will make you happy and pursue it. If her friends make her happy, she should be with them, not you. If you want new friends, make them. If you are happy with your Music Theory, enjoy that. Remove yourself from what's been hurting you and follow what will make you feel better.

[extrox]

Thank you ShySoul for having the patience to read my story. I put a big effort writing it down so it's great to have someone reading it all.😄 

On 6/15/2024 at 3:12 AM, ShySoul said:

You didn't help though. The egging her on, even as a joke, just served to make her madder. That anger fueled the resentments that were already there and became justification for her words and actions.

Yes, you're right. But I've always done this during our relationship without any issues comming out of it. I failled in understanding how bad we were at this point.

In the meanwhile she went for a week vacation abroad with her friends. In spite of my request to stop contacting me, yesterday she sent me a few photos of her and her friends (female friends).

Because she knows me (and also from our conversations) she's trying to show me that it is a only women trip. That's something she told me to put myself at ease because she concluded from our talk that I was thinking she was travelling with a male friend. She also told me she was worried about me because she was seeing me too anxious about the possibility of another man in her life (a few years ago I suffered a stroke without any major consequences). By sending the pics, it was a kind of a proof that she was telling the truth.

The fact is that during our relationship I have never felt any suspicion regarding that but now that everything changed, I'm not feeling confident at all.

[ShySoul]

Sometimes writing everything can be therapy, help put things in perspective or give you new insights. Also feels good to just get it out there and not all cluttered up in your mind. Write as much as you want. Write enough and you could turn it any a story or novel. Then you can make it end anyway you want to. 😉

I turn tense moments into jokes all the time. It's natural to want to ease the tension with humor. And you never want to believe things are really that bad.

If you are broken up and don't see a future, then eventually you will both move on and find someone else. She will find another man. It doesn't have to be now, but you'll have to come to terms with that possibility. And that might even be better for you. When they are with someone else it hurts, but it also forces us to accept it's over and can help us move on ourselves. Take all the time you need to process whatever emotions you feel, but know that ending things mean you are both free to experience new things and new relationships. 

My brother had a stroke a few years ago as well. Really affected him. Hope your doing okay now and there really haven't been any long term consequences.

[EtrnalOptimist]

That woman doesn't respect you enough. At least not now. And you're probably right in your analysis that she wanted to stay friends to maintain access to all the side-benefits.

 

You deserve better. Well done for having the courage to prioritise yourself. It's eerie how similar your experience is to a friend of mine who broke free after 5 years. Only then, with hindsight, he could see how much of his own life, friends and family he'd deprioritised for her. 

[extrox]

Update on this one...

On 6/16/2024 at 8:32 PM, ShySoul said:

My brother had a stroke a few years ago as well. Really affected him. Hope your doing okay now and there really haven't been any long term consequences.

It didn't left me with serious consequences. Thanks for your concern.🙂

Now. going back to my relationship...

After I asked her to stop trying to include me in her life, or better, in the time when she's not with her friends, we had one more talk because she didn't knew I had told my parents that we were over. I never had discussed my relationships with them so they didn't know any details. Apparently, it seems they were convinced that she was the one who finished. Anyway, she told me I had distorted what had happened, etc. Obviously, once again she tried to convince me that everything could stay the same as we have been in the last years.

It seems I was not clear enough because, two or three days later, she called me to a coffee at her house but I didn't gave her much talk and didn't went there.

Today, after a week or not talking to her, she called me again to know what was happening, why I haven't called during the week. This time I was clear enough and told her "Haven't we discussed this before? Haven't I asked you to stop calling me?".

She, again told me everything was the same, nothing have changed, etc, etc and we should be together like that.

Also said something about saving money to travel with her friends, blá,blá,blá. I just replied "You're doing it right. Keep saving money to travel with them.". 

From her voice tone, somewhere between angry and frustrated, it was clear this was not the outcome she was expecting. "If that's what you want, ok, I'll stop calling you!".

What makes me really sad and disappointed is that she's not seeing how selfish and unfair and disrespectful it is to me. How could I accept to keep a relationship with a woman who says that prefer to spend time with her friends because I cannot do any fun activities due to lack of money, someone who says that doesn't feel any passion for me, only a deep fond friendship, someone who says that is not looking for another man in her life but, if she finds one, I will be the first to know.

Come on, she should give me a break. I want someone who is trully commited in a long lasting relationship, not someone who has one, two or three agendas behind her actions. There's nothing worse than living always looking over your shoulder waiting for something bad to happen.

The good thing about this is because it's where I get the strength to avoid being in her life, not to mention the lack of confidence that all this talk of hers causes in me.

 

[extrox]

Hello, my friends

 

Update on this one...

If you haven't read the long post above, I was the one who decided to break up and go into NC, although she insisted in remain close friends. I've done it for my own sake, to get myself together and try to see her under a new pair of eyes (I explain this to her) but it is getting difficult for me. I'm not talking about breaking NC (that is out of question), but because we are neighbours. We haven't met face to face after I went NC (one week) but I see her going out and find myself in a controling mindset and analysing everything, where is she going, who is she going to meet, etc, etc.

I even created, founded or unfounded but based on clues), thoughts that she had a man in her house last night. It might be true or not but this thought is making me so anxious.

This is a cycle I must break but being neighbours, and being at home full time, unemployed and without much money to go away is not possible at the moment (to meet my friends, who live far away from me). So I have a lot of free time, although I've been trying to dedicate myself to my hobbies, unable to vent with my close friends due to distance (unless by phone but that's not the same thing).

Some nights I can't even sleep properly (or anything at all) due to anxiety. Today I woke up thinking about forgeting money issues, get in my car and drive for two hours just to get out of here.

Basically I'm feeling between a rock and a hard place. If at least I could take a trip somewhere and go mountaineering (one of my passions) I would be able to distance myself from home.

Just needed to vent a little but if any of you have some input, it would be really appreciated.

[Batya33]

Can you move?

[extrox]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Can you move?

No, not really.

My whole life is established here. Even if I could, it would take months.

Lesson learned: never have a relationship with a neighbour.🥹

[ShySoul]

Any free (or cheap) public spaces nearby? Parks, libraries, etc? My friend finds every hiking trail in the area and rotates through them when he needs to get away.

I'd say to get out each day and minimize the chance of seeing her. Anywhere you can have a laptop and wifi would be a change of scenary and a break from the constant thoughts of her. Or just enjoy nature. Distract your mind with whatever you can.

[extrox]

16 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Any free (or cheap) public spaces nearby? Parks, libraries, etc? My friend finds every hiking trail in the area and rotates through them when he needs to get away.

I'd say to get out each day and minimize the chance of seeing her. Anywhere you can have a laptop and wifi would be a change of scenary and a break from the constant thoughts of her. Or just enjoy nature. Distract your mind with whatever you can.

That's what I've been doing but the worst parts are the nights. Everytime I hear the elevator going up or down I feel the urge to "control" and check if it's her. At the same time, I feel embarassed by this behaviour. That's one of the reasons why I need to get over this situation as fast as possible because it's not doing any good to me.

What makes me more optimistic is that in two weeks I'm planning to spend one week away from here. My youngest son is comming for an holiday (he's studying and living abroad), also I will stay at my parents and that will be good for them. I also have been talking by phone with an old time friend with whom I have a close connection. We are planning to meet.

Me and the ex, have planned a 2 weeks vacation by the sea side in August, in a house owned by my parents (so I'm not planning to spend much money). I don't know if she's counting on it but I will go alone and my daughter will join me for a week (she's also working and living abroad). Me and the ex haven't discussed this subject but I suspect that she knows, from her last conversation with my mother, that I'll go by myself. In our last talk, instead of speaking openly, subtly she tried to bring this subject to the conversation by saying that even if she wouldn't go with me, she will plan a vacation with her friends (for someone who was always saying that doesn't had money, it's remarkable that now she seems to be full of it). I didn't answered this "provocation".

Also, in a previous breakup, years ago, I discovered the benefits of NLP. I'll give it a try again as well as some sports (I have planned several heart medical examens as well as a cardiologist appointment to see if everything is "sports ready". I could have started already to do some running but I need to know that I can do it (I'm obcessive regarding sports, when I do it I like to reach my limits).  

[ShySoul]

I hear you. Nights are the worse. There's nothing to distract you as you lie there. You hear every sound and your imagination can't help but start up. Only thing you can do is keep busy until you exhaust yourself and fight the impulses to check on things. Also, invest in noise cancelling headphones.

It sounds like you are on the right path and doing everything you can. Getting away will be good for you. Returning to things that have helped previously is smart. The fustrating part is that it takes time. Don't get discouraged or upset that it's not getting better. You'll get there. Stay the course and it will happen sooner then you thin (though not nealy as soon as you would like).

[extrox]

A new update... this story seems to never end.

Yesterday she called me. I didn't answer. Half an hour later, again. This time I answered, but there's a reason for it. Due to my previous stroke, when I asked her to stop contacting me, I let her keep one copy of my home key, just in case of an emergency. Also, when she calls and I don't answer, our agreement is that if I keep not answering, she comes to my home to see if I'm ok. I had to accept this situation because there's no one else.

This time the conversation was almost a repetion of our previous one. I can't make her see my point of view as she always has to justify what she did and why she did it. Basically, she's insisting in keeping a friendship no matter what, just because it doesn't make sense to her to stop seeing each other.

I tried to explain her again that I never had any objection that she meets her friends. It never happened. What I tried to explain is that, at least as a act of respect and consideration for me, she could tell me a bit more of her life. This was not meant to "control" her but as I think it's the "normal" in a healthy relationship.

I never hide anything from her from my personal life, where I went, what I was planning to do, etc, and many times I invited her to my activities. One thing she said this time, which I think it's a really red flag, she told me sometimes she "sneaked out" of home to meet her friends. In her words, as I was thinking she was at home, there would be no problems because I would never know where she had been. In her view, it was a way for her to do what she wants without making me sad for being alone.

Since I lost my job, she started to pull away from her daily life. I somewhat understand her point of view, which is why would you stop doing your things if your partner can't do it due to lack of money? But if you're with someone in a relationship, your friends and your satisfaction are not supposed to be your priority because you're not alone. Maybe I'm seeing this wrong but I never felt so lonely as since I lost my job. I didn't felt that she was supporting me as I was expecting.

As a consequence I lost that sense of security I previously had with her. The red flag above plus some other episodes reinforced this feeling. Also, because she lost her passion for me it also makes me feel less loved.

She told me to think well about her proposal (keep everything as it is) so I'm expecting another call.

I think I will tell her that I don't feel secure anymore, and for now, she should let me deal with all this situation. It could be a mistake as she seems to want to amend things (although during the convo she returned for brief moments to her "old" ways) but I think it would be better to distance myself from all this and see how it goes in a few months, just because I'm not thinking properly at the moment (too many emotions, lack of security, etc).

If any of you have some insight for me, it would be great.

[ShySoul]

On 7/8/2024 at 10:30 AM, extrox said:

I think I will tell her that I don't feel secure anymore, and for now, she should let me deal with all this situation. It could be a mistake as she seems to want to amend things (although during the convo she returned for brief moments to her "old" ways) but I think it would be better to distance myself from all this and see how it goes in a few months, just because I'm not thinking properly at the moment (too many emotions, lack of security, etc).

Hey extrox. Sorry you didn't get a response on this sooner.

You're thinking is sound and reasonable. You need time to focus on you, not getting pulled back into all the drama. Staying friends is fine, as long as each person acknowledges and respects the opinions and needs of the other side. She doesn't seem to have learned from what happened though. She still needs to justify her actions and be right. She's not accepting responsibility for her role in things. If she can't do that, then nothing would change. Going back would not likely work out well for either of you.

Also her idea of what he doesn't know can't hurt him and sneaking out was wrong. How would it havemade you feel if something had happened to her? How did it make you feel to know you had been lied to all those times? It was dishonest, harmful, and potentially dangerous.

Take time for you. Hopefully you have been doing better the past couple of weeks. I also hope you are enjoying that time with your son and still plan on taking that trip in August.

Best of luck to you. Hang in there.

 

[extrox]

Hello, my friends

I think it's time to update this thread. I've been delaying it because write about all this situation makes revive it.

I spent almost all summer out of home which was great to help me stop thinking too much about this breakup. I was at my parents home almost a month. I had a major mechanical break in my car and it took a long time to repair it. While this, my son came from abroad for his holidays and we spent a lot of time together. The only downside was the lack of my car that prevented us from visiting the surroundings.

The I went to my parents house on the beach. I went alone for a week and it felt wierd as I used to go always with ex. A week before my departure she called me but I didn't answered. She didn't called again.

My daugther met me later at the beach house and we spent a good 2 weeks together, lots of sun and sea water.😃

During that time I also contacted some of my "old" friends, friends that I know for more than 20 years and have been kepting the contact with them. The old connection and cumplicity that only friends have is still there. We have been doing some dinners and we laugh a lot. Great! Nothing bad for someone who doesn't have friends.😉

When I came back home, after more than two months away, half an hour after I get home she called. It was expectable, a check in curiosity call. We spoke for 5 minutes, she told what she had done during that time, asked me about my vacations, told me that she had called but I haven't replied (I told her that I didn't noticed the call until later on, also told her that my tought was "If it is something important she will call again"). Then I told that my laundry was about to finish so I needed to finish the call. And the conversation ended. I wasn't in a mood of talking with someone who seemed to only want to satisfy her curiosity.

There was another call, a month later, for my birthday. She called by the end of the day and said sorry for calling so late (lot's of work at the office, she said). I said it's ok, no problem. I should have asked instead what's the problem of calling later, soon or later was the same.

She also told me she needed to pick up some winter clothing she left at my home due to lack of storage room at her flat. I told her to pick up the clothing and and aquarium I borrowed from her. She said to keep it, it was a gift from her. And I said no, I don't need it anymore so I will give it back to you.

After 2 ir 3 minutes of conversation I said "Well, thank you again for the birthday wishes" and the conversation ended. This was one month ago and never heard anything from her again (nor the clothing or the aquarium).

Sometimes I see her from my window and there are occasions where I can't refrain myself from trying to figure out what she has been doing, if she's seeing someone, etc, etc...you know the drill.😁

We haven't met in person since the breakup, but has I said before, the fact of us being neighbours is not easy. It is delaying the moving on. I've been hiking 14 kms everyday (that's 8,6 miles) and have been losing weight, as I said before meeting my friends, planning some hikings in some areas that I still don't know, studying music, trying to improve myself through NLP and hypnosis, etc.

About the morning hikings, in her last call she asked me if I have found a job because I leave early, before she goes to work. I diverted the conversation and said no, I haven't find a job but didn't told her what I was doing every morning. Now she knows for sure because this is a small town and I'm sure someone already saw me and told her.

Well, that's my update...If I had any hopes of us dealing with the issues, it seems it is not going to happen. She seems to be determined in her position and, by other side, she's now knowing a side of me that she didn't knew before. When I said we could not be friends I'm sure she thought that I would change my mind but no contact is not new to me as I have always been doing it.

Even if she would call me tomorrow asking me to get back together, she would have to fight a lot for me to accept her. I was disrespected and, considering my situation (far away from friends, unemployed, etc) her actions showed that she disregarded my feelings and I don't accept it (regardless the fact that she fell out of love for me). This also doesn't allow me to see us as friends because friends don't do this.

Well, it was hard to write this but for now it's done. I think you wouldn't be respectful for you, after your helpful replies, if I wouldn't update this thread.👍

[ShySoul]

Hey,

I'm glad you are doing well. Sounds like you had a fun trip and time with your children.

There's bound to be awkward moments and times you still think about her. But overall, you are doing great. You are moving on and working on your own life. And you will only do better from here. You've found a balance of being civil and respectful towards her, while loving and respecting yourself. I've handled everything remarkable well.

Thanks for the update. Keep up the good work and if you ever need anything, we'll be here for you.

[catfeeder]

Given that you no longer have a job where you currently live, would it be possible for you to move back to where your friends and family live?

[extrox]

Thanks for the kind words, ShySoul!🙂

2 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Given that you no longer have a job where you currently live, would it be possible for you to move back to where your friends and family live?

That's something I tought about, given that now I don't have any ties that link me to this place.

Unfortunately, that's not possible due to house prices, hyper-inflactionated. The ones I could afford are in areas not really great due to insecurity and all that comes with it. 

[catfeeder]

46 minutes ago, extrox said:

Thanks for the kind words, ShySoul!🙂

That's something I tought about, given that now I don't have any ties that link me to this place.

Unfortunately, that's not possible due to house prices, hyper-inflactionated. The ones I could afford are in areas not really great due to insecurity and all that comes with it. 

Yes, you're not alone in experiencing this--it's a housing crisis that's worldwide.

This raises an issue of finding work, too. Can you consider moving into a family home temporarily until you find suitable work? From there, either the housing market may change, or you can build enough savings to afford a studio or a room in a housemate situation.

Your proximity to someone detrimental is no longer necessary to maintain. Instead of focusing on her, consider focusing on making changes to enhance your life--even if that means some family support that is temporary.

[ShySoul]

Agreed. Focus on what you need to move your life forward. You have nothing to tie you down, so keep the options open. If moving or getting a roommate could help out, consider it. Having someone Sharing the place with me is a major stress relief.

Hope you can find work and get things back on track.

[extrox]

The options of moving somewhere else or moving in with someone are not possible. Please understand that I'm living in my own house (I don't owe anything to the bank) and I have to pay taxes to the government for owning it (that's the law). So it doesn't make sense to move to a place where I have to pay a rent (plus, I don't have monet to do that).

By other side, I'm used to live alone and I really don't want to deal with another person's habits, especially if they're bad habits.

Moving to family home...well, let me tell you a story...a few years ago I was looking for a new job near my parents home and my father asked me where I was going to live if I get the job. I told him I could stay at their home temporarily until I find my own place. He's answer was "No, you won't! We don't want anybody else but me and your mum at home."

My mother is a complicated person with a "sui generis" personality, anoying, everything is wrong in her view and any change in her habits is a real problem for her. By other side, I never had the intimacy with my parents to talk about my problems, especially romantic problems.

As basically that's the only real close family I can turn to, I can not in this issue.

So, I have to stay here. Lately I've been analysing what might be happening in her mind and I have been comming to the conclusion that this relationship is really over. After almost 6 months of, basically, no contact, and after seeing her two weeks ago at a distance, well dressed with high heels, which is something she stopped wearing due to back problems, it is noticeable that she's "chasing" someone new. Also, by coincidence, entering the elevator after she used it, last weekend, when she was going somewhere, the intense smell of her perfume told me a lot.

I know this is not the best position I'm in but this is also helping me to give up on her. Don't get me wrong, I'm not doing NC just to get her back but those lingering hopes that things might be "fixed" are just a natural part of the process (and the human mind). When hope is gone and I get knocked over, that's when the healing process really begins. And I feel I'm about to start it.

Since day 1 I've been improving myself, learning from my mistakes in the relationship, being disciplined, trying to raise my sense of self-worth, improving my appearence, meeting my friends, doing sports as a mad man. So at least I will win something.     

[ShySoul]

Nothing wrong with livng on your own if it's your preference. I got lucky with my roommate and we were friends first. I wouldn't want to share a space with anyone else right now either. If you are fine with it, then do what is right for you.

I also know what it's like to not be able to turn to family. Generally I've been the one who they have all relied upon. The few times I tried to go to them, it didn't go very well. Sorry they aren't there for you in this.

You are doing well. Healing is a journey that takes its sweet time. But you are doing it. And you will continue to do it. Little by little, day by day, it gets better and sorts itself out. Not only will you win in the end, you'll probably thrive. Good luck getting there.

[catfeeder]

19 hours ago, extrox said:

... I'm living in my own house (I don't owe anything to the bank)...

Ah, okay, that's understandable. In this case, it's a mixed blessing, but it's still a blessing given the work situation.

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Moving to family home...well, let me tell you a story...    

Hah! I hear. I can stay with family during hurricanes. That's about it. 🙂

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...Since day 1 I've been improving myself, learning from my mistakes in the relationship, being disciplined, trying to raise my sense of self-worth, improving my appearence, meeting my friends, doing sports as a mad man. So at least I will win something. 

Yes, you do win something. You sound healthy, athletic, and smart (you get a $20 reward for the phrase you used to describe your mother), and I believe you'll thrive as soon as you are ready. 

Head high, and feel free to write more if it helps.