Did I handle this right?

[yogacat]

How would you handle this situation?

There's this guy I used to be interested in and we had an exchange about it. However, I ended up meeting someone else and started dating them. I told the first guy that I couldn't continue talking to him because I wanted to focus on my new relationship. He respected my decision and we stopped talking.

We never actually went on a date because he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and I wanted him to have more time to heal before pursuing anything. Then I met the second guy and things didn't work out with them. Now I am single again and the first guy recently reached out to me, saying he misses me. It's a bit surprising since we haven't talked in a while.

I am also not interested in dating him at this time. I've known him for many years so I don't want to just ignore him.

We never actually dated, technically.

We seemed to have had a mutual attraction towards each other.

We went with a group of mutual friends (this was when he had just broken up with his girlfriend and I was single) to a venue and he and I interacted, flirted and he carried me back on his back as we were walking from the venue because I was too tired to walk. In the car drive home (we were in a car with multiple people) he sat next to me and I put my head on his shoulder because I was tired. We touched hands, and our pinkies wrapped around the other.

However, as the night progressed, I understood that he had just gotten out of a long term relationship where he had fallen out of love with his partner and no longer wanted to be with her. I didn't think at the time it was a good idea for us to date, so we remained friends.

Eventually, we both moved on and found other people to date. He said he always had an attraction towards me. I found him cute, but I always respected that he was in a relationship and when that relationship ended, I didn't think it was a good idea for us to start something since he was just recovering from that breakup.

So, I initially replied with a very brief message ending with that I hope he is doing well and happy.

I hate the whole concept of block him simply because of this situation.

So, I think I handled this situation pretty well in the moment.

[Batya33]

Was this outing recent or you're referring to a past outing? Seems to me you enjoy flirting with him and playing footsies so to speak even though you are not interested in dating him -but he was/is interested in dating you so it's a bit unfair perhaps to do all that heavy flirting and touching when you know he's likely  to take it as you will change your mind and want to date him.

No need to block him.  Your response tells him that you're not responding to his overtures. He should get the hint unless your flirting/physical contact confused him (again I can't tell when that outing occurred).

So it looks like outing was in past- but he might remember it and if it were me and someone was like that with me I'd take it as a direct come on to hook up (whether or not there was interest in dating). If you're too tired to walk ask for assistance from someone who is not interested in dating you and put your head on a shoulder of a person where there's no risk the person will take it the wrong way.  I've been where he is and asked the person out and the person wasn't interested in dating me. 

My dear friend had a longstanding platonic friendship with a man she had an intense crush on and  told me excitedly how he'd put his legs up on her lap at an airport where there volunteer group was waiting to board a flight.  I was -so annoyed with him on her behalf -he I believe knew full well she was into him (and as it turned out after all those years no he was not interested in dating her - I'm very sorry she wasted time on being so focused on him and also didn't like his playing footsies stuff).

 

[yogacat]

15 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Was this outing recent or you're referring to a past outing? Seems to me you enjoy flirting with him and playing footsies so to speak even though you are not interested in dating him -but he was/is interested in dating you so it's a bit unfair perhaps to do all that heavy flirting and touching when you know he's likely  to take it as you will change your mind and want to date him.

No need to block him.  Your response tells him that you're not responding to his overtures. He should get the hint unless your flirting/physical contact confused him (again I can't tell when that outing occurred).

So it looks like outing was in past- but he might remember it and if it were me and someone was like that with me I'd take it as a direct come on to hook up (whether or not there was interest in dating). If you're too tired to walk ask for assistance from someone who is not interested in dating you and put your head on a shoulder of a person where there's no risk the person will take it the wrong way.  I've been where he is and asked the person out and the person wasn't interested in dating me. 

My dear friend had a longstanding platonic friendship with a man she had an intense crush on and  told me excitedly how he'd put his legs up on her lap at an airport where there volunteer group was waiting to board a flight.  I was -so annoyed with him on her behalf -he I believe knew full well she was into him (and as it turned out after all those years no he was not interested in dating her - I'm very sorry she wasted time on being so focused on him and also didn't like his playing footsies stuff).

 

Thanks @Batya33

No this is not recent, this incident with the group event was years ago and I think it was handled fine.

Neither of us were in a place to pursue a relationship and we both moved on. I just didn't know if it was best to not respond but I've know him for many years outside of romantic interest so I didn't want to ignore him completely.

I think keeping the response brief and polite was the best way to handle it. 

[Batya33]

5 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Thanks @Batya33

No this is not recent, this incident with the group event was years ago and I think it was handled fine.

Neither of us were in a place to pursue a relationship and we both moved on. I just didn't know if it was best to not respond but I've know him for many years outside of romantic interest so I didn't want to ignore him completely.

I think keeping the response brief and polite was the best way to handle it. 

Sounds good. You asked for input, I gave it and it's wonderful you're comfortable with how you interacted and responded.

[rainbowsandroses]

57 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I think keeping the response brief and polite was the best way to handle it. 

^^I think so too. No need to block him yoga unless he begins harassing you but you can cross that bridge when or IF that ever happens.

Re the past flirting, my understanding from your post was that it happened before you discovered he was recently out of a LTR. 

There was a mutual attraction at that time so your behavior, the flirting  - head on shoulder, allowing him to carry you etc -  was fine.

After you discovered he had recently ended a LTR, all that stopped and you pulled back and chose to not pursue. Which was the appropriate thing to do.

You did nothing wrong, you did not 'lead him on' imo from what I read. 

Not that you were concerned about that but another posted shared their opinion so thought I'd share mine as well. 

In any event, have you heard from him since your message?  

My experience is that men don't typically go out quietly so his response, if any, will be interesting! 

 

 

 

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, yogacat said:

.I hate the whole concept of block him simply because of this situation.

Is this the man who sends you memes all the time that annoy you and you've asked him to stop? You don't have to block him. Platonic dating isn't a good idea and leads to too much confusion. All you can do is reset your social media and step back since you don't seem ready willing or able to date him (or anyone else?) at this time. 

[Batya33]

38 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^I think so too. No need to block him yoga unless he begins harassing you but you can cross that bridge when or IF that ever happens.

Re the past flirting, my understanding from your post was that it happened before you discovered he was recently out of a LTR. 

There was a mutual attraction at that time so your behavior, the flirting  - head on shoulder, allowing him to carry you etc -  was fine.

After you discovered he had recently ended a LTR, all that stopped and you pulled back and chose to not pursue. Which was the appropriate thing to do.

You did nothing wrong, you did not 'lead him on' imo from what I read. 

Not that you were concerned about that but another posted shared their opinion so thought I'd share mine as well. 

In any event, have you heard from him since your message?  

My experience is that men don't typically go out quietly so his response, if any, will be interesting! 

 

 

 

 

I understood it differently and thus had a different opinion. I’m glad she felt totally comfortable with the interactions. That’s all that matters. Obviously he reached out again to connect so that’s a sign that he was happy with how they interacted in the past. 

[catfeeder]

2 hours ago, yogacat said:

I am also not interested in dating him at this time. I've known him for many years so I don't want to just ignore him.

You did well. No need to ignore, and certainly no need to block. Blocking is only for extreme cases. Annoyance, harassment, stalking, or maybe someone who's persistent but isn't good for you--like an ex trying to pull you back in.

You mentioned above not being interested "at this time". If you might potentially be interested in the future, you can be straight with him about this. You're happy to hear from him, yet you're sorry that it's just another case of bad timing for you, and you hope to reach out to him soon.

If you're simply not interested AT ALL, then scratch that and just stick to being polite.

[yogacat]

1 hour ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this the man who sends you memes all the time that annoy you and you've asked him to stop? You don't have to block him. Platonic dating isn't a good idea and leads to too much confusion. All you can do is reset your social media and step back since you don't seem ready willing or able to date him (or anyone else?) at this time. 

No, this is someone else. 

2 hours ago, rainbowsandroses said:

^^I think so too. No need to block him yoga unless he begins harassing you but you can cross that bridge when or IF that ever happens.

Re the past flirting, my understanding from your post was that it happened before you discovered he was recently out of a LTR. 

There was a mutual attraction at that time so your behavior, the flirting  - head on shoulder, allowing him to carry you etc -  was fine.

After you discovered he had recently ended a LTR, all that stopped and you pulled back and chose to not pursue. Which was the appropriate thing to do.

You did nothing wrong, you did not 'lead him on' imo from what I read. 

Not that you were concerned about that but another posted shared their opinion so thought I'd share mine as well. 

In any event, have you heard from him since your message?  

My experience is that men don't typically go out quietly so his response, if any, will be interesting! 

The flirtation occurred following his breakup with his girlfriend. I was conscious of the fact that they had recently ended their relationship.

Yes, while I enjoyed the interaction, I also am aware that it's dangerous to get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship.

We kept in loose contact. I met someone else, that I came to really like, so, I made the decision to focus on my new relationship and told him that I met someone and that I wanted to pursue that relationship.

I haven't heard back from him since my reply. Which is fine, I think. I did genuinely want to know that he was doing well and happy with life. 

[rainbowsandroses]

19 minutes ago, yogacat said:

No, this is someone else. 

The flirtation occurred following his breakup with his girlfriend. I was conscious of the fact that they had recently ended their relationship.

Yes, while I enjoyed the interaction, I also am aware that it's dangerous to get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship.

We kept in loose contact. I met someone else, that I came to really like, so, I made the decision to focus on my new relationship and told him that I met someone and that I wanted to pursue that relationship.

I haven't heard back from him since my reply. Which is fine, I think. I did genuinely want to know that he was doing well and happy with life. 

OK thank you for clarifying and still believe your actions were just fine... 

It's all good yoga, you handled it well. 😀

 

 

 

 

[Batya33]

22 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I also am aware that it's dangerous to get involved with someone fresh out of a relationship.

Honestly it really depends -how long of a relationship, why it ended etc -no need for it to be dangerous.  My husband had recently gotten out of a relationship.  She then wanted him back - and he said no.  No is a two letter word.  They worked together.  So he did see her after, and she made up some silly benign rumor about us a few years later -total nothing burger.  He wasn't rebounding. I'd ended a long term relationship 7 months earlier and a short term dating relationship less than 2 months earlier.  No issues.  And I was still in regular touch with LTR guy - no issues. 

However I went on dates with men recently out of an LTR, one whose wife had passed away within the year and yes I could tell early on they were not ready.  Also dated an expecting father -they'd broken up months earlier but she was due soon.  Once the baby arrived after he and I were dating about a month -that quickly became an issue for me -his parental relationship, his parental responsibilities -that was a relationship that really impacted how I felt about continuing.

In your case you might have seen danger signs.  I was confused by your post -seemed to me you enjoyed the flirtation but didn't want to date him regardless of whether he was fresh out of a relationship or not.  Maybe I read wrong -sorry!

[Kwothe28]

4 hours ago, yogacat said:

We never actually went on a date because he had just gotten out of a long term relationship and I wanted him to have more time to heal before pursuing anything. Then I met the second guy and things didn't work out with them. Now I am single again and the first guy recently reached out to me, saying he misses me.

So "the window of opportunity" opened, the guy reached out and you turned him down? Damn, thats cold.

You handled it alright. Just feel sorry for the guy as you never really wanted to date him.

[yogacat]

2 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Honestly it really depends -how long of a relationship, why it ended etc -no need for it to be dangerous.  My husband had recently gotten out of a relationship.  She then wanted him back - and he said no.  No is a two letter word.  They worked together.  So he did see her after, and she made up some silly benign rumor about us a few years later -total nothing burger.  He wasn't rebounding. I'd ended a long term relationship 7 months earlier and a short term dating relationship less than 2 months earlier.  No issues.  And I was still in regular touch with LTR guy - no issues. 

However I went on dates with men recently out of an LTR, one whose wife had passed away within the year and yes I could tell early on they were not ready.  Also dated an expecting father -they'd broken up months earlier but she was due soon.  Once the baby arrived after he and I were dating about a month -that quickly became an issue for me -his parental relationship, his parental responsibilities -that was a relationship that really impacted how I felt about continuing.

In your case you might have seen danger signs.  I was confused by your post -seemed to me you enjoyed the flirtation but didn't want to date him regardless of whether he was fresh out of a relationship or not.  Maybe I read wrong -sorry!

Thank you for sharing your thoughts.

Regarding your previous comment, I had a great time when we all went out together and the dynamic between us was enjoyable. I always found the first guy attractive, but he was already in a relationship at the time. During our group outing, we flirted and he had just ended things with his girlfriend. However, I am not interested in dating someone fresh out of a long-term relationship, so I didn't pursue anything with him at that time.

I had hoped that in the future, once some time had passed, we could potentially start dating. However, I ended up meeting someone else spontaneously and really connected with them. When the first guy reached out a few months later, I informed him that I was now dating someone else.

It wasn't like we said to each other (me and the first man) "okay, we're not going to date at this time, we'll wait a little, and then date." It's just that I happened to randomly meet the second man so I moved on and dated the second man.

2 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

So "the window of opportunity" opened, the guy reached out and you turned him down? Damn, thats cold.

You handled it alright. Just feel sorry for the guy as you never really wanted to date him.

Why is that cold?  

We didn't go on a date.

I wasn't even in touch with him at the time I met the second man that I fell for.  And when I wasn't in a relationship -he still just got out of a long term relationship.  I don't see how it's cold to think he's probably best to not jump into something with me following the end of a relationship that he himself said he wanted out of.  

I do not date people who just got out of long term relationships.  

I don't think that is wise.  

Sorry you think that is "mean."

[Kwothe28]

13 minutes ago, yogacat said:

Why is that cold?  

We didn't go on a date.

Well, the guy probably heard you were single and wanted to try something. And you turned him off second time. First time you met somebody else(the ex boyfriend abuser I presume?) and now you think its early for him to date(which isnt yours to determine when you dont know about his last relationship btw) because you will somehow be, I guess "rebound"?

Just having some sympathy for the poor man. 😁

25 minutes ago, yogacat said:

I do not date people who just got out of long term relationships.  

I don't think that is wise.  

I do tend to agree. However, I do have a theory that people tend to not care about stuff like that when they are deciding their partners. If you liked him you would at least try to be with him. First time you would chose him instead of your ex and now you couldnt wait for his message to go with him on that date. But when they dont like somebody they put those imaginary hurdles in between. So, I just dont think you like him enough to be with him. Which is fine and OK. But you need to be more honest with yourself instead of putting excuses there.

[yogacat]

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

Well, the guy probably heard you were single and wanted to try something. And you turned him off second time. First time you met somebody else(the ex boyfriend abuser I presume?) and now you think its early for him to date(which isnt yours to determine when you dont know about his last relationship btw) because you will somehow be, I guess "rebound"?

Just having some sympathy for the poor man. 

Oh no. The ex, that was not a good partner for me, yeah 😞  - he was a longggggggggg time ago.

12 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

I do tend to agree. However, I do have a theory that people tend to not care about stuff like that when they are deciding their partners. If you liked him you would at least try to be with him. First time you would chose him instead of your ex and now you couldnt wait for his message to go with him on that date. But when they dont like somebody they put those imaginary hurdles in between. So, I just dont think you like him enough to be with him. Which is fine and OK. But you need to be more honest with yourself instead of putting excuses there.

Maybe you're right but I can't agree.  

I think I know when I like someone or not you can control it.  

I still wouldn't go out with him because he had just gotten out of a long term relationship. It's just a personal preference and boundary that I have set for myself. It's not fair to either party involved if one is still emotionally invested in their ex. But, maybe a little piece of what you said is true, in that I don't like him enough to overlook my boundary.