I [21F] feel guilty about something that happened with my friend [21F]m

[confusedaboutlife]

Hi there. For context, this friend of mine [21F] and I [21F] have been friends since high school. We were introduced by a mutual friend of ours who we mostly hung out with and only really had 3 hangouts between us over the years and some video calls. We both had a crush on each other for a short period of time but I really wasn’t in the headspace to pursue anything and I was also grappling with my sexuality and didn’t really see myself to be in a relationship with another girl at the time. We didn’t see each other often and I ended up getting a boyfriend.

Unfortunately it was a really bad and kind of abusive relationship. I broke things off a few months back and it was a really messy breakup that I recognize I’m not fully healed from.

Recently, I saw her once again after 2 years and I spent the night at her place with our mutual friend. We caught each other up in our lives and I told her about what happened with my ex. We later got on the topic of how we used to like each other and how we both were kind of aware of it but never had any validation. We joked around about it and it was pretty casual.

Later on in the night, our friend went to sleep and we were just talking between the two of us. She brought up us liking each other once again, but more seriously this time and was prompting me for answers. Not like I was unwilling to answer, but it seemed like she really wanted to know. I said that yes, I did like her and I didn’t really understand what my feelings were at the time and she said she still has a soft spot for me.

Here’s where it gets a little messy. She has a girlfriend. She told me that they communicated their boundaries with one another and that it was cool with both of them to have crushes in the relationship as long as nothing was acted upon. I still felt a little weird about it though, because I will admit, we were both quite tipsy at the time and I did say that now, I would be more open to dating a girl than I would’ve in the past, which I feel was unnecessary for me to say.

We both agreed that we were just talking openly and it didn’t really mean anything, but I can’t help but feel so guilty about it.

We were sharing a bed and we ended up cuddling which I brought up to her that we probably shouldn’t be doing. She said that it was fine and her girlfriend was cool with her sharing a bed and cuddling with her friends but I still felt really weird about the whole thing since we both liked each other at one point and clearly there were some feelings still there.

We stopped and she said that she was thrown for a loop because she didn’t expect to feel the same feelings she felt years ago, but it was understood that nothing was going to come of this from the both of us. I made it clear that we are just friends and I would never want to do anything to compromise her relationship with her girlfriend or step on her toes. We went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed and then when we woke up, everything felt normal.

But I can’t help but feel like I did a really awful thing. I feel so guilty because even though she said it was cool with her girlfriend and she’d tell her girlfriend about what happened that night, I know I’d feel completely shattered if my significant other did that. I let it happen and I didn’t cut the conversation off earlier and we entertained the thought of if we dating years ago, and I feel so ***ty about it. 

And now I feel completely confused and upset because I recognize I was very emotionally vulnerable that night after opening up to her about my trauma, but it doesn’t excuse what I did. I also see that I still do feel an attraction towards her that I obviously WON’T do anything about since she’s in a relationship, but I feel like I’ve already done something bad. 

Now I don’t know what to do or how to talk to her/be around her. What should I do?

TLDR: I cuddled with my friend who has a girlfriend, even though she said it was fine between them, but I feel really guilty about it.

[MissCanuck]

The good news here is that your moral compass is working quite well. 

No, you shouldn't have cuddled with her regardless of what she told you about her relationship boundaries, but you do recognize now that it wasn't cool and shouldn't have happened. A lot of people would still try to excuse away this behaviour but I see that you have the insight to understand your role in this. 

I personally would keep your distance from this young lady. Her claims that her girlfriend would be fine with this are dubious. I doubt it will land well that she was cuddling with a woman she was attracted to, and not just a close friend (which would also be a bit weird, frankly)  She's got some growing up to do before she will be ready for a true commitment, because at the moment,she wants to have her cake and eat it too. 

Don't get caught in the cross-fire of her relationship. If and when she becomes single, you might reconsider, but for now, I wouldn't keep her as a friend. It's too slippery a slope and she sounds self-serving. That wouldn't end well for you. 

 

[confusedaboutlife]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

I personally would keep your distance from this young lady. Her claims that her girlfriend would be fine with this are dubious.

 

I figured as much... It really sucks because I wasn't able to have a friendship with her the past two years (stuff to do with my ex) and I was really excited to have her as a friend in my life again. I really didn't see any of this coming up or happening...

Is this something I should bring up to her? Like should I tell her how it was 100% not okay and I regret it completely or should I just completely distance myself?

19 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

A lot of people would still try to excuse away this behaviour but I see that you have the insight to understand your role in this. 

 

I feel a huge responsibility for what happened. I have a feeling it's not my place to say anything to her girlfriend, especially because I never met her nor do I have any avenues to contact her, but I don't know if I trust that my friend would tell her what happened. I feel so incredibly guilty about it and I feel like I completely disrespected her girlfriend and I don't know how to make things better. Is there anything else I can do other than distancing myself?

[MissCanuck]

5 minutes ago, confusedaboutlife said:

I feel like I completely disrespected her girlfriend and I don't know how to make things better. Is there anything else I can do other than distancing myself?

Not really, no. Just make a promise to yourself that you won't do this again. 

5 minutes ago, confusedaboutlife said:

I have a feeling it's not my place to say anything to her girlfriend, especially because I never met her nor do I have any avenues to contact her

It's definitely not your place, no. Don't insert yourself there. It's up to your friend to deal with this. 

6 minutes ago, confusedaboutlife said:

Like should I tell her how it was 100% not okay and I regret it completely or should I just completely distance myself?

Eh, if she tries to get in touch with you again to "hang out", be honest with her. Tell her you're not okay with what happened and prefer to leave this friendship be. Otherwise, I wouldn't reach out to her. I would let this fizzle. 

[confusedaboutlife]

2 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

Not really, no. Just make a promise to yourself that you won't do this again. 

It's definitely not your place, no. Don't insert yourself there. It's up to your friend to deal with this. 

Eh, if she tries to get in touch with you again to "hang out", be honest with her. Tell her you're not okay with what happened and prefer to leave this friendship be. Otherwise, I wouldn't reach out to her. I would let this fizzle. 

Thank you for your help. I wish there was something else I could do but I do fully recognize that I have to live with the consequences of my actions and live with this guilt. I really hope I didn't ruin everything...

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, confusedaboutlife said:

I really hope I didn't ruin everything...

Why would you accept full responsibility for ruining anyone else's relationship?

Look, this friend of yours is the one who has a duty to preserve the integrity of her relationship by not "cuddling" with others in the first place. You went along with it, yes, but it could not have happened if this woman hadn't opened the door to it.

You will learn from this. You won't repeat this in the future. Now try to let it go. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, confusedaboutlife said:

.I really wasn’t in the headspace to pursue anything and I was also grappling with my sexuality and didn’t really see myself to be in a relationship with another girl at the time

Unfortunately it was a really bad and kind of abusive relationship. I broke things off a few months back and it was a really messy breakup that I recognize I’m not fully healed from.

 

Sorry this is happening. Agree that your friend has some responsibility in this by claiming she's in an open relationship.

She also seems to have taken advantage of your confusion and recent breakup. All you can do is avoid both of them for now and let the dust settle.  

Perhaps focus on your sexuality and confusion about that as well as healing from your abusive relationship. blockquote widget

[confusedaboutlife]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

Why would you accept full responsibility for ruining anyone else's relationship?

Look, this friend of yours is the one who has a duty to preserve the integrity of her relationship by not "cuddling" with others in the first place. You went along with it, yes, but it could not have happened if this woman hadn't opened the door to it.

You will learn from this. You won't repeat this in the future. Now try to let it go. 

I'll do my best to be better. Thank you for listening to me and offering your insight.

[confusedaboutlife]

14 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Agree that your friend has some responsibility in this by claiming she's in an open relationship.

She also seems to have taken advantage of your confusion and recent breakup. All you can do is avoid both of them for now and let the dust settle.  

Perhaps focus on your sexuality and confusion about that as well as healing from your abusive relationship. blockquote widget

Thank you for your help. I guess the guilt was just eating me alive and I needed to vent about it since I don't know who to turn to about this.

[Andrina]

Listen, most people do things in life they regret and feel guilty about, including me. This moment shall pass, and you've already learned something from the experience and will likely not repeat what has made you feel crappy.

Having chemistry with someone is only one element of choosing a partner. Even if she was suddenly single, you've found out her preferences for relationship boundaries greatly differ from yours. That in itself makes a romance with her unwise to pursue.

You've barely ever been in each other's lives, so it should be easy for you to go back to that or totally cut her off. If you still plan on seeing her at any time, it's totally okay to stop her from discussing any off-limit topics with you like she did on this occasion.

[confusedaboutlife]

48 minutes ago, Andrina said:

Having chemistry with someone is only one element of choosing a partner. Even if she was suddenly single, you've found out her preferences for relationship boundaries greatly differ from yours. That in itself makes a romance with her unwise to pursue.

100%. If anything, any feelings I once felt for her completely went away because like I said, I would be so completely shattered if my significant other was okay with doing things like that while in a relationship. It makes me feel really icky as a person from the outside as I'd hate for this to be done to me.

51 minutes ago, Andrina said:

You've barely ever been in each other's lives, so it should be easy for you to go back to that or totally cut her off. If you still plan on seeing her at any time, it's totally okay to stop her from discussing any off-limit topics with you like she did on this occasion.

I still value her as a friend as she's a good friend aside from this situation that happened recently, but you're completely right. I did a bad thing and I feel crappy about it, but I need to enforce the boundary of not talking about these topics, even if she says it's okay. That's if I choose to see her anytime soon, but I think I'm going to distance myself for a while. Thank you a lot for your insight, it was really helpful.