Hi there. For context, this friend of mine [21F] and I [21F] have been friends since high school. We were introduced by a mutual friend of ours who we mostly hung out with and only really had 3 hangouts between us over the years and some video calls. We both had a crush on each other for a short period of time but I really wasn’t in the headspace to pursue anything and I was also grappling with my sexuality and didn’t really see myself to be in a relationship with another girl at the time. We didn’t see each other often and I ended up getting a boyfriend.
Unfortunately it was a really bad and kind of abusive relationship. I broke things off a few months back and it was a really messy breakup that I recognize I’m not fully healed from.
Recently, I saw her once again after 2 years and I spent the night at her place with our mutual friend. We caught each other up in our lives and I told her about what happened with my ex. We later got on the topic of how we used to like each other and how we both were kind of aware of it but never had any validation. We joked around about it and it was pretty casual.
Later on in the night, our friend went to sleep and we were just talking between the two of us. She brought up us liking each other once again, but more seriously this time and was prompting me for answers. Not like I was unwilling to answer, but it seemed like she really wanted to know. I said that yes, I did like her and I didn’t really understand what my feelings were at the time and she said she still has a soft spot for me.
Here’s where it gets a little messy. She has a girlfriend. She told me that they communicated their boundaries with one another and that it was cool with both of them to have crushes in the relationship as long as nothing was acted upon. I still felt a little weird about it though, because I will admit, we were both quite tipsy at the time and I did say that now, I would be more open to dating a girl than I would’ve in the past, which I feel was unnecessary for me to say.
We both agreed that we were just talking openly and it didn’t really mean anything, but I can’t help but feel so guilty about it.
We were sharing a bed and we ended up cuddling which I brought up to her that we probably shouldn’t be doing. She said that it was fine and her girlfriend was cool with her sharing a bed and cuddling with her friends but I still felt really weird about the whole thing since we both liked each other at one point and clearly there were some feelings still there.
We stopped and she said that she was thrown for a loop because she didn’t expect to feel the same feelings she felt years ago, but it was understood that nothing was going to come of this from the both of us. I made it clear that we are just friends and I would never want to do anything to compromise her relationship with her girlfriend or step on her toes. We went to sleep on opposite sides of the bed and then when we woke up, everything felt normal.
But I can’t help but feel like I did a really awful thing. I feel so guilty because even though she said it was cool with her girlfriend and she’d tell her girlfriend about what happened that night, I know I’d feel completely shattered if my significant other did that. I let it happen and I didn’t cut the conversation off earlier and we entertained the thought of if we dating years ago, and I feel so ***ty about it.
And now I feel completely confused and upset because I recognize I was very emotionally vulnerable that night after opening up to her about my trauma, but it doesn’t excuse what I did. I also see that I still do feel an attraction towards her that I obviously WON’T do anything about since she’s in a relationship, but I feel like I’ve already done something bad.
Now I don’t know what to do or how to talk to her/be around her. What should I do?
TLDR: I cuddled with my friend who has a girlfriend, even though she said it was fine between them, but I feel really guilty about it.
100%. If anything, any feelings I once felt for her completely went away because like I said, I would be so completely shattered if my significant other was okay with doing things like that while in a relationship. It makes me feel really icky as a person from the outside as I'd hate for this to be done to me. I still value her as a friend as she's a good friend aside from this situation that happened recently, but you're completely right. I did a bad thing and I feel crappy about it, but I need to enforce the boundary of not talking about these topics, even if she says it's okay. That's if I choose to see her anytime soon, but I think I'm going to distance myself for a while. Thank you a lot for your insight, it was really helpful.
