What Next??

[The_Doc]

Advice all

 

So I have been limiting contact (though not very well or successfully) and for the most part she has been the one initiating contact.

 

I stupidly broke this rule last night and we had an exchange of text messages initiated by me. I kept it all very light and in the realm of 'small talk'. Made a couple of very references to 'us' but she choose to 'side-step' these but engaged in the dialogue.

 

Trouble is I can't seem to get byeond this. Occasionally she reaches out -- a very unexpected sweet text message a couple of weeks ago), a probing 'jealous' phone call last weekend when she thought I had sent a 'goodnight' text to her that was meant for someone else. But otherwise no proverbial 'carrots'.

 

I know she is lonely, I know she speaks of me very fondly to her friends, I think (from the reaction of one mutual friend) that there is even a tiny bit of uncertainty about her decision, but I just don't know if I am deluding myself. She still calls, although not as frequently as she did, but there is always a great deal of warmth or affection. Trouble is I 'want' to see this as something but in reality she could simply be 'being good friends' (which is what she said she wanted us to stay). On the other side of things we have still not resolved the issue of when I can go back to our old home and 'move out'. I would say the majority of my possessions are still in or old home including clothes, my CD collection, DVDs, 100s of books etc etc. She no longer raises this when we talk and I haven't mentioned it for a long time either. If she is 'over' me and only wants to be friends, why is she holding onto my stuff? Surely it must be a reminder of me??

 

Question for all of you is can I get her to reach out more? If so, what do people advise my next steps should be??

 

Need some kind words today as well – its exactly two months since she broke the relationship off, (we were together over four years and lived together for almost 3).

[heloladies21]

She's just using you to make herself feel better. She knows she can still have you at any time so i'm sure she's feeling very free to see what's out there as far as other guys.

 

No Contact means not letting them get through to you either. You need time with NC to alter the psychology of the situation. Keep in touch, and she will eventually flake out on you when she finds someone else. Happens all the time.

 

Do No Contact for real. It's good for you!

[kazman32]

I agree,use nc until you have healed more,I am in the same situation,my gf was stringing we along,making me be the backup guy.I put and end to that with a note telling her off and nc.I have healed fully and realize I don't need her in my life.Take care!

[danimal77]

You're asking for advice Doc? I'll give you mine. Here it is:

 

This may shock you, but advise you enter into NC. Why you ask? I'll tell you why. My ex and myself were doing EXACTLY what you and yours are doing right now. It lasted for a few weeks. We thoughts we could be friends right away and it BLEW UP in our faces. I started getting noticeably disappointed when I didn't get the type of response I was hoping for, or when I was hoping for it to come in. I was making myself crazy and with time, I found myself begin asking for more from her and she inevitable cut those ties as well, blocking me from her MSN chat and telling me that we couldn't be friends (having nothing in common, that we always end up arguing, etc).

 

It was counterproductive Doc, because we both weren't ready for that. The breakup was too recent and the hurt, anger, confusion, resentment, was still too fresh and it was doomed from progressing that that stage and to think it would have, would have been a testament to both of our sanities...It doesn't help that she began reconnecting with other ex at the same time. It was just a lose lose situation and one only time and NC would improve on.

 

You need some emotional detachment to occur first. You need space for that too happen and you have neither of the above right now...and I'll stand by that. You've been warned Doc. Take it from me okay?

 

Good Luck,

 

Danimal

[auburnslp]

you better listen to danimal77...trust me, if he is advising NC, well, that is pretty huge

 

No offense Dan-actually it thrills me to see that you have learned so much over all this time...

 

Time to focus on you only. The rest will take care of itself.

 

Good luck...Michael

[fIIsion]

Well, Doc, as you know we both seem to be in the same type of situation.

I tried being friends with my ex, problem was I percieved some of the things she was saying and doing as mixed feelings.

 

This started to cause even more pain for myself, I hung on her every word, every action, I even began to think that maybe we could work things out.

 

Then she blew it all up in my face by saying go and find yourself another woman and not wait for me, in other words, in time, if things don't work out for her she might consider getting back with me, if she deems it.

 

I'm not going to be a dog and wait for a bone to be tossed to me, she knows exactly how I feel, if she can't be honest with her emotions or she needs time to figure out exactly what she wants..........then fine, I'm not waiting around for someone who spent the last 6 years telling me how much she loved me, to turn around and say she lost her feelings/confused about her feelings.

I'm not bothering to call her anymore, if she calls, its time to turn the temperture down. I'm not going to be rude, but she doesn't need to know what I'm feeling anymore, I'll just treat her like any other distant friend.

My advice is do the same, I know it hurts, I still love this girl so much, but I don't want to be with anyone who can't/won't return my love.

In time perhaps we could be friends, not now though, now we both need to think of ourselves only.