Friendship blurred

[P33]

A female friend and I (both over 50) met in a group therapy setting around 10 years ago. We ended up together for around a year a while afterward, but spit as we were both in the wrong place. We’ve both changed drastically since then and had various relationships. My last exactly a year ago was extremely dysfunctional and disastrous for me emotionally. We’ve always been very very close and although never physically cross boundaries now we have a lot of affection which is probably much more than a typical friendship. Although I of course find some women attractive I’ve realised there’s just no way I can hold something down I just find it all far too anxiety inducing. Last summer we spent a week together which isn’t unusual. I admitted I’d been thinking of her and us and she said the same, after a few days (this was just a few months after my split) she said she felt I was on the rebound but wasn’t closed to us at some point in the future. So life moved forward. We admit to loving each other regularly. I went to see her this Friday and we spent a reasonable amount of quality time together as she was working at home. We also shared affection. A while later after I’d left she text, saying it was frustrating having to work when she was with me that  I really know her and how much she values me and more. I told her the same which is all true. At times my feelings cross the boundaries and this was one of them. In all transparency she was talking to a guy in the course of her work and I could feel the jealousy. For me this is when I get into dangerous territory with my feelings as I struggle with them and the fear starts to build. Especially as she’s such a close friend. We just keep getting closer and closer but I never know if this is going to progress or if things are just a great extremely close friendship. So that’s really everything. Thoughts. Thanks.

[Batya33]

If you're such close friends have a simple conversation about what your future intentions are and use I statements like "I am finding I cannot handle being in limbo as far as whether we are a couple or not or just friends.  What do you think?"

[P33]

I think I’m going to leave it a few days, even now it hurts not initiating contact although I told her this morning I missed her and she loved that comment. More often than not it’s her that contacts me. It’s of course Valentines Wednesday so would assume I’ll speak then if not before and we’re both wanting to go to dinner and spend much more time together. It’s been approached before and we keep getting closer with every day so I’ll see how the conversation goes.

[Batya33]

Your choice. If you're that close why not a short direct conversation to see if you are on the same wavelength? It's what my reserved shy-side husband did when we reconnected after years apart and spent 3 platonic evenings together.  I guess we both felt a strong spark.  Nothing was said.  When he did it took about 3 minutes back and forth where he asked me to get back together - I paused for about 30-45 seconds then said yes! - the next two-three minutes we talked about our expectations about our potential future.  We didn't have any long or drawn out or roundabout discussion. No need.  Because with rare exception when two people intend to be together they want the other person to know as simply and directly as possible.  So there are no misunderstandings.  We had that conversation around 18.5 years ago.  We followed through on what we planned and committed to and wanted during that 3 minute conversation.  No games, no reading "signs" etc - life's too short for that! We were in our late 30s at the time and we're 57 now.

[Cherylyn]

Have an in depth,  in person conversation with her.  Discuss what is expected in this friendship or if both of you agree or disagree to go further into relationship mode.  Make sure there are clear boundaries from both sides without any misunderstandings whatsoever. 

The true measure of all friendships or relationships is to have those heavy duty,  hard and uncomfortable conversations with each other as opposed to playing guessing games or merely sustaining shallow and superficial small talk. 

Whenever people are uncomfortable,  dismissive or have a total disregard for serious conversations,  this is a sign and red flag informing you that clear communication is a big problem.  

I've known people who are nice as long as you're extremely careful with what not to say and what to say.  Guarded dynamics feel very controlling to the point of unnatural.  Sooner or later,  these types of friendships or relationships are doomed for failure.  It's only a matter of time.  

Have a talk with her and let that be your guide meaning whether or not the friendship was meant to endure.  It's a good test so both sides won't waste each others time and energy. 

[P33]

Thanks all of you. 
 

I was going to leave this a bit but later this morning I decided to speak to her. I text as she is working and I’m off until tomorrow. We sent a few messages she isn’t well and it’s her daughter’s birthday tomorrow. She couldn’t talk until Wednesday and I won’t see her until an unknown time which is normal. I said I’d rather have spoken to her in person with a few pleasant things in then decided to take the plunge. Due to a change in our business we may need to have leave in the next fortnight so I mentioned this and said I’d love to see her. I told her I love her and have feelings which we say regularly. Then I told her that there were times like this weekend that I feel like I’m falling in love with her (bearing in mind her text to me). I told her I want to have dinner with her (which I said to her and she brought up several times) holidays and time together. I’d told her when we were together I wanted to spend as much time as possible and she had agreed. I then asked what did she want from me. I said if she wanted to remain close friends that would be fine and I wouldn’t mention it again and that I hoped that we could speak candidly. At this point she didn’t respond, this was a few hours ago and she’s working for another 2 hours or so. So that’s what happened.

[Cherylyn]

After she's finished working and perhaps after her daughter's birthday,  she will hopefully have the time and brain space to express how she feels towards you.  Just make sure both of you are on the same page and proceed from there whether a relationship or strictly friendship. 

If she wants a relationship with you,  great and if she prefers friendship with you,  simply switch gears and readjust so you will treat her as a friend and no more.  Hopefully both of you will be mature and can handle this situation either way. 

Keep in mind she is a mother.  I'm a mother so I know how time,  energy and focus are limited outside family priorities.  As long as you're realistic whether with a relationship or friendship,  you will be fine.  🙂

[P33]

Thanks, I was very surprised and really quite hurt she didn’t respond and still hasn’t, whatever the response is. She knows the impact this would have similarly though I know her and the impact on her in reverse, plus she’s ill and her daughter, we know each other almost totally but you are exactly right, which is maybe she’ll get back to me tomorrow and at this point I’m very reluctant to contact her again but would never dream of it today.

But at the age I’m at now it really is a mature discourse in whichever route and for me it’s been about clearly gently and simply putting this across finally 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, P33 said:

 I told her that there were times like this weekend that I feel like I’m falling in love with her. I told her I want to have dinner with her  holidays and time together. I’d told her when we were together I wanted to spend as much time as possible and she had agreed

Did she agree to have dinner? If so that's great but if she's a single parent and her child is ill, you'll need to be a bit patient. 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, P33 said:

Thanks, I was very surprised and really quite hurt she didn’t respond and still hasn’t, whatever the response is.

I view contacting someone at their job with anything deep and important as really-really bad timing. It would be like speaking to someone who's sober while I'm drunk. I can't expect another to be in the same 'me-centric' headspace just because I have the luxury of rumination at a time when they're focus is dedicated to their livelihood and other pressures.

When you have something important to say, and you want it to be considered carefully, demonstrate the same kind of care and respect for the recipient that you are hoping to receive.