Feeling guilty about saying woman's age wrong / reading body language after

[Armyguy368]

So, I know reading a woman's body language is very difficult at times for men.  Men can take a specific body language wrong. I have searched online to read a friend's body language.  Usually, she is very open to chatting, laughing, etc. But when we talked about age, I guessed that she was 45 since she told me that and had kids when she was 20 years old. My friend said the right thing and said, she looked 36 and she smiled.  But I am too honest and said the wrong thing.  She asked how old I thought she was during the interview when she came into an interview for a job at an hour company. I said in her 40s.  I feel as though she took offense to that and I got read and embassed.  I apologized to her, but I could tell she was offended by my comment on her age.  

I guess that is why you never ask a woman's age or you always tell her the age that is 10 years less than what you think. 

So, we usually have good conversations when I stop by the desk to chat during my break. Well, today, I noticed she had put both her knees to her chest when sitting in her chair. Usually its one knee or sitting relaxed and open. She also in the past turns her chair to talk to me as well.

Well, when I was talking to her at the end of the day before heading home, she had both her knees to her chest.  Is this a sign of her wanting to close herself off to me after my comment about her age? 

I also asked her out for coffee and she rejected with a nice way to let me down which I felt was a nice way to say no.  I gotten to know her and she goes out for coffee on weekends, but said she could not afford to go this weekened due to trying to save money. 

I know I am overthinking this as I have issues of insecurity and am tired of being alone.  So, when I say something that offends someone, it affects me mentally or is rejected for a no-strings coffee meet-up. 

This is why I need therapy, but having a hard time getting an appointment with the VA (that is another story).  I am too fixed on things like this and don't know how to handle this. 

Any advise regarding the body language and the age issue. 

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

  She asked how old I thought she was during the interview when she came into an interview for a job at an hour company. I also asked her out for coffee and she rejected with a nice way to let me down which I felt was a nice way to say no

Please don't hit on women at work. It's messy and awkward. Please reconsider reading pick-up artists rubbish about body language.  Let the dust settle, be polite and professional at work. The workplace is not a singles club or dating app. Please find dates through other social activities and dating apps. 

[boltnrun]

I tended to draw my knees to my chest when I had bad cramps.

What's more important is she said no to your date invitation. So there's not really any need to try to interpret her "body language".

[Armyguy368]

I know what you are saying.  So hard to turn away someone that you have so much in common and easy to talk to as well.  After today, I will try to be professional and listen when she wants to chat.  But I realized asking her for coffee put the nail in the coffin as a way to tell myself to stop!

[Starlight925]

You did nothing wrong.  She asked how old you thought she was, and she was fishing for the compliment of 10 years younger.  Well, you were honest, and this is on her.  

Note to her:  Don't go fishing for compliments, as you might just get the truth.

 

[ShySoul]

Guessing a person's age is usually a bad idea. Go to high, some people are offended. Guess to low, some people could be offended. Some people look (or act) very differently then their age would indicate, in either direction. And some people are just bad at being able to tell. So best to just not get involved in the whole thing in the first place. You did nothing wrong in speaking what you honestly thought. She placed you in the situation, you tried to be reasonable. If she is upset, its on her for asking. Though it's nice that you feel bad for possibly upsetting her.

I'd also say the best way to read body language is to not try to read body language. Different movements can mean different things depending on the person. Knees to chest could mean distancing herself. It could be a way of comforting herself. It could be because she feels sore and the postion helps relieve tension. It might not mean anything at all and she just likes sitting that way. And the way she sits or is feeling at the time might have nothing to do with you or what you said earlier. Instead of focusing on a person's body, focus on the person. Listen to what they are saying. I'm a believer that when you interact with people, you get a feeling from them that is a better indicator of what is going on with them then anything physical. If a person is angry, sad, happy, etc., you can generally sense it.

17 hours ago, Armyguy368 said:

I know I am overthinking this as I have issues of insecurity and am tired of being alone.  So, when I say something that offends someone, it affects me mentally or is rejected for a no-strings coffee meet-up

The more important issue here is your feelings about yourself. I'm going to guess that this insecurity makes you more prone to wondering if you offended someone or question every no you get? I know someone like that and, in my experience, this actually makes them less likely to offend people as they are more careful in there words and actions. I also try to stress that a person's response says as much (or more) about them then the person they are responding to. You could do everything right and some people will still be offended because of their own insecurities and issues. Even if someone is upset with you or rude to you, that might have nothing to do with you and be all about them. Likewise, somone might say no to doing something with you and it not be a complete rejection of you. She may honestly be busy on the weekend or not be able to afford going out much right now. 

If you find yourself feeling alone, don't dwell on these kinds of thoughts. Don't examine every action people do, because you're likely to just keep repeating the same negative thoughts you are already thinking and convince yourself that it's all just another sign of rejection, that no one wants to be around you. That's a hard cycle to break out of. Instead, think about something that you love and have fun with. Then do it. People are happiest when they are just being their true, authentic self and doing something they find meaningful and fun. So find what that is and enjoy it. Doing what you love is the best therapy of all.

[Armyguy368]

On 2/9/2024 at 8:22 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Please don't hit on women at work. It's messy and awkward. Please reconsider reading pick-up artists rubbish about body language.  Let the dust settle, be polite and professional at work. The workplace is not a singles club or dating app. Please find dates through other social activities and dating apps. 

So, you say I am hitting on her.  Well, I am not really hitting on her as you say. We have great conversations with one another.  Also, she invites me into her space, gives me high fives, etc. So, it's a strong connection.  The issue is I am very attracted to her and I do have to work with her constantly due to my job.  Its not like she works in another part of the building or office and I can just ignore her for the day. I also realize that I am attracted to women with whom I can't have a relationship.  She has a long-distance lover and I work with her.  So, I am realizing this after talking to people on this site. I meet women all the time that I am attracted to but can't have and that's one of my issues. 

As for going to dating sites, those do not work because those are based on looks first and I dont find myself attractive being bald.  I have also tried social activities, but fail at them as well and ask women out but get rejected there as well. So, this is a never-ending circle that seems to never end. 

[Armyguy368]

21 hours ago, ShySoul said:

Guessing a person's age is usually a bad idea. Go to high, some people are offended. Guess to low, some people could be offended. Some people look (or act) very differently then their age would indicate, in either direction. And some people are just bad at being able to tell. So best to just not get involved in the whole thing in the first place. You did nothing wrong in speaking what you honestly thought. She placed you in the situation, you tried to be reasonable. If she is upset, its on her for asking. Though it's nice that you feel bad for possibly upsetting her.

I'd also say the best way to read body language is to not try to read body language. Different movements can mean different things depending on the person. Knees to chest could mean distancing herself. It could be a way of comforting herself. It could be because she feels sore and the postion helps relieve tension. It might not mean anything at all and she just likes sitting that way. And the way she sits or is feeling at the time might have nothing to do with you or what you said earlier. Instead of focusing on a person's body, focus on the person. Listen to what they are saying. I'm a believer that when you interact with people, you get a feeling from them that is a better indicator of what is going on with them then anything physical. If a person is angry, sad, happy, etc., you can generally sense it.

The more important issue here is your feelings about yourself. I'm going to guess that this insecurity makes you more prone to wondering if you offended someone or question every no you get? I know someone like that and, in my experience, this actually makes them less likely to offend people as they are more careful in there words and actions. I also try to stress that a person's response says as much (or more) about them then the person they are responding to. You could do everything right and some people will still be offended because of their own insecurities and issues. Even if someone is upset with you or rude to you, that might have nothing to do with you and be all about them. Likewise, somone might say no to doing something with you and it not be a complete rejection of you. She may honestly be busy on the weekend or not be able to afford going out much right now. 

If you find yourself feeling alone, don't dwell on these kinds of thoughts. Don't examine every action people do, because you're likely to just keep repeating the same negative thoughts you are already thinking and convince yourself that it's all just another sign of rejection, that no one wants to be around you. That's a hard cycle to break out of. Instead, think about something that you love and have fun with. Then do it. People are happiest when they are just being their true, authentic self and doing something they find meaningful and fun. So find what that is and enjoy it. Doing what you love is the best therapy of all.

Thanks for your reply.  This was a great reply to my issues. If I dont read body language, then I feel that she does enjoy my company. I am a good listener as many people say.  Its just for me not to have feeling for someone that I have such a great connection and would like to have a relationship with, but have to realize that it will not turn into anything for various reasons. She does look like she is in her 30s after looking at her photos on Facebook. So, by saying someone is older than what they say can offend people and then turn their backs on you as well.  So, I took hard because I really like her and realized I said the wrong thing and coping to move on.  I just have to face working with her when I go back to work tomorrow as well. 

[Armyguy368]

On 2/9/2024 at 8:51 PM, Starlight925 said:

You did nothing wrong.  She asked how old you thought she was, and she was fishing for the compliment of 10 years younger.  Well, you were honest, and this is on her.  

Note to her:  Don't go fishing for compliments, as you might just get the truth.

 

I talked to my sister about this and she said I should possibly write a small note to say that I am sorry to have offended her and make her uncomfortable by telling her she was older than she wanted to hear. 

My thoughts are this was last Friday and this should have been done on Friday night.  If I do tomorrow (Monday), I feel it makes me seem insecure as well. I know I have self-esteem and insecurities that I am trying to deal with a therapist which I have been dealing with for years, especially dealing with women. 

 

[boltnrun]

4 minutes ago, Armyguy368 said:

I talked to my sister about this and she said I should possibly write a small note to say that I am sorry to have offended her and make her uncomfortable by telling her she was older than she wanted to hear. 

Aren't you just assuming she was "offended"?  Has she come out and said "I'm offended by how you guessed my age"?

And the wording of that note you're planning is more offensive than possibly hurting her feelings by thinking she is older than she actually is.  It's basically one of those non-apologies..."I'm sorry you were offended" and that bit about not being what she wanted to hear. Rather than "I'm sorry I was rude".  Not to mention, giving her this note will make things even more awkward, not less.  Oof.

[Armyguy368]

5 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Aren't you just assuming she was "offended"?  Has she come out and said "I'm offended by how you guessed my age"?

And the wording of that note you're planning is more offensive than possibly hurting her feelings by thinking she is older than she actually is.  It's basically one of those non-apologies..."I'm sorry you were offended" and that bit about not being what she wanted to hear. Rather than "I'm sorry I was rude".  Not to mention, giving her this note will make things even more awkward, not less.  Oof.

Ok. Great to hear. Thanks for the reply. I will leave this issue alone. 

[Armyguy368]

To Starlight and shysoul:

I fully understand your replies.  Why do I feel that I may have screwed up even though you said I did not? I am trying to make a great impression on her because we have such a good relationship. By saying she was older than she was, does not set a good impression. She does look younger in a photo that I tried to attach and she is very attractive.  Anything could happen in the future and I would hope to have an opportunity to date her.

I also said my age and feel as though I may be too old now as well. She can attract men who are 10 years younger as well 

I just feel that I always say something that can turn someone off and its usually someone that I am attracted to as well.  Then comes the rejection that makes me upset as I have been rejected so many times in the past. 

[boltnrun]

I don't think you were being mean or malicious. It was just clumsy.

Be polite, professional and considerate at work. That will go a much longer way than awkwardly worded apology notes or asking her out on a date.

BTW, it's a really bad idea to post photos of people online without their permission.