Spouse talks to much in social settings

[Viewcart]

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I started a new job 7 years ago.  I went to a training event and met someone in a different department who was also new -same age-ish as me and ironically same first career.  We started going to lunch every 1-2 months.  She was on the quiet side, I am more extroverted.  A few years into our fun lunch routine she said "I really like how you ask such good follow up questions"  So yes to your point -being interested -especially with someone who tends to be more introverted and might need a bit more drawing out -and without being prying or intrusive.  Not always easy but if you're "interested" you're motivated to do so (including not rehearsing in your head what you're going to say next but actually listening).  

It is hard to make new friends!!

Also OP - do you try to stay involved in the conversation -do they try to involve you? 

That's an encouraging comment she made 🙂 

I will make small talk with them, one-on-one. They're very kind people, but when they talk over each other in a group setting, I find myself shutting up to give space for them to talk. Usually it results in my husband talking for both of us. 

9 hours ago, Starlight925 said:

 

Back to the OP, have you ever had a heartfelt conversation with your husband about this?

He did start a conversation about this but it just lead to him demanding an apology from me. I can be stubborn and told him absolutely not, I am in no fault. We both have our faults when it comes to communication, he's more of an intimidator and I can be avoidant. 

9 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Sorry but I had this image of her trying to do that and then dinner burning in the oven because of his conversational style........ 😉

OP -do you engage well with his friends -including the follow up questions etc ?  How about when he is with your friends?

He's more quiet around my friends but when he's bored or tired, I respect him when he says we need to go so we will go immediately. But when I ask to go, he takes his time maybe because he has a hard time breaking away from his chatty friends. 

[Wiseman2]

19 hours ago, Viewcart said:

. I will definitely take your advice from now on, I don't want to argue and he still brings it up about how upset it made him every now and then. 

You weren't disrespectful at all. It seems his ego is hurt because pontificating windbags just want to prattle, even if their hosts are polite enough not to start yawning and looking at their watches.

He's actually the one who's rude, not knowing when to wrap things up. Definitely go in separate cars or bow out altogether. 

[Cherylyn]

This problem is more than a transportation issue.  While it's great that he's the life of the party,  he doesn't engage in much conversation with you.  This is a marriage problem and not so much about your husband talking too much during social settings.  He's not invested in conversing with you which is problematic and needs to be addressed.  He seems more enthusiastic regarding his conversation with others than with you which is disrespectful and very rude. 

He says you're being selfish,  socially awkward and rude?  He's gaslighting you.  He's deflecting away from himself,  manipulating the conversation and distorting what you say.  He's not taking responsibility to fix how he can be a better conversationalist with you,  be more engaging and take the time to invest in being kind to you.  He's very inconsiderate because he doesn't care how you feel.  This is maddening and I feel for you.  Any time a person doesn't care how you feel,  it makes you lose faith in a person because they're self centered and all they care about is themselves.  You're not part of the equation. 

You need to deal with it?  You're dealing with a very uncooperative husband.  It's not so much his social persona.  The problem is how he is when he's not "ON" in front of others and he shows his true colors to you behind closed doors which is most obnoxious and despicable. 

If marriage counseling or couples therapy is out of the question,  then you need a serious conversation on how both of you can communicate effectively so being married to him can be harmonious.  He needs to put himself aside and figure out how to be kind and considerate towards you.  He's incredibly selfish and narcissistic.  If he refuses to change for the better,  you're stuck with a guy who will not change for himself nor you. 

It's a lonely feeling when you realize the person whom you thought you loved sorely disappoints you at every turn.  ☹️  Hence,  you can never change a man.  A leopard cannot change its spots.  He is who he is. 
 

[Batya33]

Was it like this when you were dating - or did you live elsewhere/are these new friends? I don't think the "no I'm right" stuff is going to work -it's better to be close than right.  It's not about "fault" either - do you use the I statements "I feel uncomfortable at a certain point when we've been at Chatty Cathy's house for ___ hours and I feel excluded from the conversation.  I don't feel comfortable talking over people even though I know maybe it's just how you and The Droneses and the Boors do it. I'd like to figure out a compromise."

When my parents first married in their early 20s my mom wanted to spend every Sunday at her relatives house[s] for a family dinner etc.  Except most did not speak English and my mom spoke their language well enough.  My dad did not. He was bored AND he loved being out and about -going to a park, a museum, a movie -so he put his foot down and said something like it can only be once a month or whatever it  was and he explained why (yes it was rude of the relatives to not speak English when they could).  So that was the compromise.

[Cherylyn]

Correction:  Your husband's social face is ON with others but off with you.  No one wants to be with a guy who is the life of the party and Mr. Wonderful while he's unkind towards his wife behind closed doors.  This is a core marriage problem which needs to be addressed.  He has two faces.  One for them and one for you.  He needs to put forth the effort to speak with you as if you matter instead of impressing upon others during social settings. 

[Viewcart]

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Was it like this when you were dating - or did you live elsewhere/are these new friends? I don't think the "no I'm right" stuff is going to work -it's better to be close than right.  It's not about "fault" either - do you use the I statements "I feel uncomfortable at a certain point when we've been at Chatty Cathy's house for ___ hours and I feel excluded from the conversation.  I don't feel comfortable talking over people even though I know maybe it's just how you and The Droneses and the Boors do it. I'd like to figure out a compromise."

When my parents first married in their early 20s my mom wanted to spend every Sunday at her relatives house[s] for a family dinner etc.  Except most did not speak English and my mom spoke their language well enough.  My dad did not. He was bored AND he loved being out and about -going to a park, a museum, a movie -so he put his foot down and said something like it can only be once a month or whatever it  was and he explained why (yes it was rude of the relatives to not speak English when they could).  So that was the compromise.

I’ll try what you suggested which will hopefully prevent any defensive reactions from him. 
 

These friends have been in his life for a long time, I don’t remember if I met them before we were married. We definitely didn’t spend that much time together with any of his friends until after marriage because he says he wants his friends to be my friends too. 

2 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

Correction:  Your husband's social face is ON with others but off with you.  No one wants to be with a guy who is the life of the party and Mr. Wonderful while he's unkind towards his wife behind closed doors.  This is a core marriage problem which needs to be addressed.  He has two faces.  One for them and one for you.  He needs to put forth the effort to speak with you as if you matter instead of impressing upon others during social settings. 

We shall see what happens after I try batya’s suggestion. I think most people show different faces to different people in their life. He’s just comfortable with me and unfortunately his negative traits magnified after marriage. 

[Cherylyn]

Showing different faces has various levels.  Sure,  being amiable in public is a nice trait to have but being talkative and very pleasant socially while treating his wife rudely behind closed doors is a whole different type of unacceptable behavior.  Being too comfortable with you to the point of showing his true colors in the most unsavory way is problematic.  Hopefully you can address this because what it boils down to is his fake behavior,  pretense,  charm and then being his true self towards you which is alarming and disdainful.  You can't respect and admire a man like that. 

I hope he can change for you but sometimes it's either very difficult or impossible for him to be the type of man you want him to be.  ☹️