Moving away from pain versus awkward conversations

[1a1a]

I had a kind of fall out with a friend the other day. Actually she was more like collateral damage, my partner and I were meant to meet her partner and her in 90 minutes time and she was calling with a logistics question she needed a time critical answer on. I didn’t pick up so she called my partner who came and got my attention in the middle of a zoom lesson. Rather than just place the message question in front of me which is what I would have done, he asked me to ask the teacher for two minutes. Ok. Next thing a video call is in front of my face with my beaming friend asking how I am and then asking the logistics question. 
 

I was a bit of an arse in my reply which was an exasperated ‘you call it’ to my partner followed by ‘ I don’t know why this couldn’t have been a text message’ as he retreated out the room. But I didn’t have enough perspective yet to realise that, I was still annoyed at being asked to pause my lesson for a video call.

 

When the lesson is done I realise my partner is feeling very salty because of how I spoke to him. Salty enough it might be better not to bring him. I call my friend with this update and say should I come solo and she says ‘let’s take 20 minutes and see if people feel differently when they’ve calmed down.’

 

20 minutes later partner is still salty and when I call and update she says ‘let’s reschedule when everyone can come’. Which actually I found quite upsetting because it feels like the double dating is more important to her than one on one time which we have had very little of. (This could be a very uncharitable interpretation. Actually she could be trying really hard to include my partner, a relative stranger to her, and that’s actually really sweet). 
 

I go for a long walk to calm down and on the walk I think about how she had no idea I was in a class or had told my partner I didn’t have time to talk before he placed the phone in front of me and that my reaction could have been really quite hurtful, both of them walk in with the best intentions trying to arrange to spend time with me and I reacted with frustration. 
 

When I get back from that walk I go to text her an apology and find she’s already texted me, expressing how uncomfortable that made her feel and her feelings are hurt. I write my apology and she reacts to something in it like I blame my partner for what happened and that’s unacceptable and she’s on his side in this instance.

 

My partner and I will come back together and work out our differences, I know this from past experiences and frankly I’m hurt that instead of accepting the apology or rejecting it she wants to make this an intervention on how I spoke to my partner so I ask if we can put a pin in this subject. And she gets hurt and upset by That. 
 

We end it with a plan to write down our feelings and meet today to discuss. 
 

Which brings me to my question. People are drawn to pleasure and avoid pain. This conversation, based on the last one, feels like it’s going to be pain. She’s still wanting to discuss my relationship as part of it. I feel like some part of her wants to find chinks in said connection,  wedge her fingers in and tear it apart. In short, my motivation to have this conversation is very low. But she’s been a friend for a long time and discussion is the only way we can repair the rift. 
 

How do you work out when a tough conversation is worth having to see if you can preserve the friendship and when do you make the call to just skip it. To that end, she has also not reached out to arrange a time to have this discussion, maybe she’s realised just how unpleasant it sounds like it’s going to be as well. (To the question or am I ready to let this friendship go, when she cancelled dinner I was done! Then I thought about how hurtful it might have been to be met with such dismissive annoyance when calling to arrange it and thought maybe this rift Is on me). 
 

tldr: when you have a falling out with a friend how do you decide If it’s worth having an awkward conversation with them to see if it can be healed, and when do you choose to move away from pain and towards pleasure? 

[boltnrun]

16 hours ago, 1a1a said:

I feel like some part of her wants to find chinks in said connection,  wedge her fingers in and tear it apart.

Why are you jumping to she wants to tear apart your relationship with your partner?

If you feel she's a devious person who doesn't have your best interests at heart and is bent on destroying your relationship, why bother trying to be her friend?

[1a1a]

The best question! If I pull on that thread in best faith, from observing past behaviour, I feel like my friend is in her element when she has something to fix. And perhaps this compels her a little to look for things to fix? It’s something in the lines of question she does with myself or him when we’re one on one that leaves me with that impression. 

 

[Batya33]

I am shaking my head -how in the world did this minor disagreement escalate to this extent? Does this happen often with you two??