I love him so much but...

[inDeluluLand]

I love him so much...but I think it might be over.

I am so disappointed. I fell in love with him so hard. I loved the way he looked. I loved the way he talked to me. I loved that we were two separate people. I am so disappointed. I had a vision for us. Did this vision include the financial turmoil we are in right now? Of course not. This vision was for us to thrive together and still have strength as separate people. I feel like he did not see a him without me, and it scares me. I miss my independence. Most days, I just want to be alone. I don't want to be touched or bothered. I understand that these are things he needs to thrive and I try to find a happy middle ground, but everytime I ask him to touch me less or say "not today". I can see the heartbreak in his eyes. I don't want to hurt him, but I do not want to diminish myself so much for his needs. Not when mine are not being met. 

He wanted to wait to sleep together, and I really respect it. I just really wish I would have known sooner what our sex life would be like before taking the time to fall in love with him. And I do love him. The sex we have is the worst of my life. No matter what suggestion I offer, he is unable or unwilling (I haven't figured out which yet). I ask him to touch me and he might for one time and never do again. Any reciprocation would be amazing and would make me feel seen. I wish I had the balls to ask him to be in an open relationship. If anything will kill this relationship, it is the sex. I wish I could find it elsewhere. I would never ever cheat on him. Please be certain of that. I just long for better sex. I long to feel sexually desirable. When we sleep together, I feel more like we are pals than sexual partners. It feels neutral. 

I feel like I would want to have sex more if I didn't feel like I carried the brunt of the physical and mental labor around the house. Last night, when I went to bed I laid down in dog piss. He had mentioned the dog had an accident on the bed. I figured he had cleaned it up, and I carried on with my day. After a terrible day, I went to lay down beside him and got soaked. I wasn't sure why he was on the wrong side of the bed, but he sometimes slept over there so I laid down on his side of the bed and ended up covered in dog piss. He slid across the bed and didn't even try to use anything to clean it up. Now I have to scrub the bed with cleaner to try and get anything out of it. I mean, he has a great record of dog urine. He barely ever lets his dog out of his crate (his responsibility as agreed upon when he got a puppy. I have had my dog for years) so he are always cleaning up his pee. Why throw urine-soaked papertowels away? Why not just let them sit in his office? The office he never uses. The second bedroom that could have been my quiet place, that I gave to him with the assumption he would actually spend time in there. Instead, I have no place of my own and he bothering me constantly about his goddamn book while I am trying to work from home without a damn office really takes the cake. 

On the topic of cleaning. His parents would be ashamed of he to know what he considers "clean". He "mopped" the basement last night to which I thought "wow thats amazing". I went down there this morning to brown streaks all over the floor. I am going to need to clean it again so it is done right, but I shouldn't. He blamed this on the mop. He said we need a new one. Well, I cleaned that mop and it seemed to work fine for me. Learned incompetance isn't what I am looking for. As for incompetence, I am so so so so tired. He has cats, but cannot physically clean a litter box without me. I have been waiting for three days now for him to clean up a glass he broke in the sink. Last night, he started piling dishes on it. Anytime I ask him to help clean more its "can you make me a list?". No I cannot. You are a grown person who knows what needs to be done. If I know what needs to be done, he can look at a room and figure it out. Usually I barely ask him to do ***. Yesterday, I knew I was going to be home late. All I asked for was for him to make sure laundry was running while I was gone. It seemed like he didn't do a single load of laundry, let alone multiple. And then there is folding. I am loving that he is just piling laundry onto the folding table. I usually stand down there and fold the loads that I do and bring them up for the both of us. But I am so glad that I now get to fold a whole table worth of laundry whenever I get around to it seeing as I work so much. 

When I ask him to do more, usually he says he can't because I need help at the cafe. I may ask him to help me with a specific task, but me asking for him to help me unload my car doesn't need to transfer to him staying all day to read and tell me about that goddamn book. Seriously babe. I have AHDH. If I am working on my computer, him talking to me is literally making me useless for work. 

He has never once purchase groceries for the house. He has never once paid a bill (we pay the bills with our money, but I am the only one that has to keep track of due dates and physically pay them). He has never once bought animal food without asking or even damn toilet paper. I am still not sure what he used in the week I refused to purchase it. 

I am at my wits end and don't think we can therapy or talk our way out of this. We are supposed to be getting married soon (also an issue because he keeps "forgetting" to ask for his time off). 

I think I know what everyone is going to say, but I need to hear it. I don't have a ton of friends and most of my family is dead. My only living relative (my father) wouldn't know in the slightest of what to say. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, inDeluluLand said:

 We are supposed to be getting married soon (also an issue because he keeps "forgetting" to ask for his time off). 

Sorry this is happening. How long have you been dating? How old is he? How long have you lived together? 

Whose place is it?  Do you co-lease or co-own? Can either of you afford to move out? Is there an issue with filth and hoarding? Was the relationship ever satisfactory? Why did you move in together?

Is this his an arranged or forced marriage? Is there a reason you are forced to live together or get married? Do you both work enough to support yourselves alone? Can you afford your own place? 

if you are both on a lease, why not move out when the lease is up? If it's your place give him adequate notice to vacate, if it's his place please start looking for decent accommodations ASAP.

[Batya33]

I mean as an outsider it's simple. You have hostility, resentment and contempt for him so of course you don't want to have sex with him.  Yes if there is urine or the like on a surface like that -if you see something say something -either clean it up right then or ask your partner for help if you can't find the cleaning supplies. 

But the point is not that he's acting like an ungrateful slob -the larger point is he has overall different cleaning standards than you generally - some people absolutely would not care if they had to get clean clothing off a clean table and never fold.  Yesterday after a long week, then a covid booster and dental cleaning and husband being away for work and me solo parenting the laundry basket was quite full. 

So I called my mom to catch up and made myself get through it.  But my husband didn't care and wouldn't have -maybe slightly if he was getting ready for his next trip this week and couldn't find his clean dress socks but he wouldn't care or be upset.  

You're harping on all these idealized versions of "love" but loving is mostly giving in an LTR not a feeling - you don't desire to be a giving loving person to him because you're angry and  you don't admire him or like him much. Counseling could help as far as an outsider -trained professional - helping you two find common ground.  But no he's never going to fold an entire table of clean laundry and certainly not to your specifications and he doesn't seem inclined to learn how to mop properly.

  Maybe you two can choose to outsource -send out laundry and hire a cleaner - but first decide whether you are so contemptuous of him that even the memories of this "big love" aren't going to change that you've basically checked out of this relationship. (And maybe he has too).

[Jaunty]

If I have understood this correctly, you chose to move in with a man who has terrible hygiene, with whom you have a wretched sex life, and who has "financial turmoil."

The positives:  

Quote

I loved the way he looked. I loved the way he talked to me. I loved that we were two separate people.

So you moved in together without even finding out who the other person was or whether you shared any level of compatibility at all?

WHY?