feeling lost after a messy break up

[Jaunty]

9 minutes ago, miffy said:

Thank you for responding again. I’d like to hear your opinion: do you think he actually loves me or just what I’m able to provide for him?

Of course he doesn't "truly love you."  Like I already said:  If he loved you, he'd want to see you fulfill your dreams and be happy.  This is exactly what he does not want because he feels threatened by it.  Nothing about love in that.  

When you move on, how he lives the rest of his life is not your business.  Whether he forgets about you or holds a special place for you in his heart - none of your business.  

Your job is to move on and get some help so you can have a successful life and no more abusive relationships with this guy or others like him.

Now please stop posting as if you have no capacity to function - yes, you have a lot of strong feelings, but you are still absolutely capable of not engaging with this guy any further.  Most especially stop trying to convince him of anything.   Just convince yourself of this:  you haven't seen the worst he has to offer yet.  If you are interested in more of the same (including being cheated on) and worse,  that is exactly what you are signing up for by keeping up this back and forth you're nurturing.

 

[boltnrun]

Would you EVER treat someone you love the way he treats you?

ALL abusers act "sweet" sometimes. Especially if they think their abuse toy is about to leave them. 

Are you still lying to your family and your therapist? If so, think long and hard about why you feel the need to lie to them. 

[miffy]

8 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

Of course he doesn't "truly love you."  Like I already said:  If he loved you, he'd want to see you fulfill your dreams and be happy.  This is exactly what he does not want because he feels threatened by it.  Nothing about love in that.  

When you move on, how he lives the rest of his life is not your business.  Whether he forgets about you or holds a special place for you in his heart - none of your business.  

Your job is to move on and get some help so you can have a successful life and no more abusive relationships with this guy or others like him.

Now please stop posting as if you have no capacity to function - yes, you have a lot of strong feelings, but you are still absolutely capable of not engaging with this guy any further.  Most especially stop trying to convince him of anything.   Just convince yourself of this:  you haven't seen the worst he has to offer yet.  If you are interested in more of the same (including being cheated on) and worse,  that is exactly what you are signing up for by keeping up this back and forth you're nurturing.

 

Ouch…. thank you for your input. I understand.

[miffy]

2 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Would you EVER treat someone you love the way he treats you?

ALL abusers act "sweet" sometimes. Especially if they think their abuse toy is about to leave them. 

Are you still lying to your family and your therapist? If so, think long and hard about why you feel the need to lie to them. 

Thank you for your response. I will be seeing my therapist tomorrow so I’ll be telling her what’s going on.

[Andrina]

The right person for you will expand your world, not minimize it. I'm sure when you think about what red flags he showed you at the beginning, it has given you insight in to what to avoid in men in the future. How about you actually make a written list of must-haves in a partner and dealbreakers, and then stick to it when you one day are ready to date again? That should ease your anxiety about dating in the future.

It's normal to be upset with a breakup and still have feelings for a while, even if the person wasn't a good partner. Give yourself permission to feel bad for a while to mourn, but don't let it last too long. When you pamper yourself, do enjoyable things with friends and family, and work on making your life the way you want it to be, you will eventually get to a point you where you won't think of him on a daily basis. That would normally take me about 4 to 6 months.

I'd text him that for your own good, you're going no contact, and there will be no reconciliation. 

And then block him before he can respond. I know that's hard for you, but not blocking him will keep the door open to his manipulation. And then I'd probably make myself scarce because with his controlling ways, he will try to track you down.

Take care of yourself. 

[miffy]

11 minutes ago, Andrina said:

How about you actually make a written list of must-haves in a partner and dealbreakers, and then stick to it when you one day are ready to date again? That should ease your anxiety about dating in the future.

I'd text him that for your own good, you're going no contact, and there will be no reconciliation. 

And then block him before he can respond. I know that's hard for you, but not blocking him will keep the door open to his manipulation. And then I'd probably make myself scarce because with his controlling ways, he will try to track you down.

Take care of yourself. 

Thank you, Andrina. I appreciate your kind words. After opening up to my therapist, I realize I have no other option other than to stop talking to him. Thank you for your response.

[catfeeder]

31 minutes ago, miffy said:

...After opening up to my therapist, I realize I have no other option other than to stop talking to him. Thank you for your response.

Glad to hear you were honest with your therapist. It may not feel great now, but you will thank yourself later. Your goal in therapy is not to be a good patient, it's to tap into the training and expertise of the person you have hired to work for you. This can help you learn how to move through your grief, and you may want to request more sessions, temporarily, until you start to feel stronger.

Feeling stronger may seem impossible at this moment, but trust the process. Challenge the voice you use in your own head to become your coach instead of your saboteur who insists that you 'must' be miserable. 

You do NOT need to negotiate no contact with your ex. He is not required to agree--so don't bother trying to sell him on it. Just do it, and you will look back and REALLY thank yourself once you've gained the perspective to see clearly that you were only one lie away from letting this guy ruin your life.

Head high. 

[MissCanuck]

No, he does not truly love you. 

And yes, you need him out of your life for good. This is not and never was a relationship that has any sort of future. 

 

[boltnrun]

Again, I refer to my previous analogy.  If you got food poisoned by bad milk the solution isn't to drink more of the bad milk.  And despite the pretty promises that guy is making he'll go right back to being "bad milk" as soon as you go back all in to the relationship.

And anyway, why would you want a relationship you'd have to lie about and conceal from your family and friends? When he makes you cry (and he will), you'll have to come up with a cover story (lie).  That's not a good way to live.

You don't have to tell him anything other than "I've decided this relationship doesn't work for me.  Please don't try to contact me anymore." and then block his number and any and all means of contact including social media connections.  Do the same for his family and friends (except no message needed).

And yes, you're going to feel bad for a while.  You'll second guess.  You'll "miss" him.  But fog can't clear until the sun burns it off or a breeze blows it away.  You're going to be standing in the sun and in a gentle breeze once you cut this abuser out of your life.

[miffy]

14 hours ago, catfeeder said:

You do NOT need to negotiate no contact with your ex. He is not required to agree--so don't bother trying to sell him on it. Just do it, and you will look back and REALLY thank yourself once you've gained the perspective to see clearly that you were only one lie away from letting this guy ruin your life.

Head high. 

Thank you for your response. I wasn't going to try to convince him, I just wanted to send him a note saying I'm done and then go full no-contact. All the messages have really drilled it home that I have to let this go.

[miffy]

14 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

No, he does not truly love you. 

And yes, you need him out of your life for good. This is not and never was a relationship that has any sort of future. 

 

Thank you for your response and for keeping up with my post. I took all the comments to heart.

[miffy]

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

You don't have to tell him anything other than "I've decided this relationship doesn't work for me.  Please don't try to contact me anymore." and then block his number and any and all means of contact including social media connections.  Do the same for his family and friends (except no message needed).

And yes, you're going to feel bad for a while.  You'll second guess.  You'll "miss" him.  But fog can't clear until the sun burns it off or a breeze blows it away.  You're going to be standing in the sun and in a gentle breeze once you cut this abuser out of your life.

Thank you for your kind words and helpful insight. I will send that message and be done with the whole relationship. 

[miffy]

Thank you everyone for your advice and just for reading and helping out with my situation. I have a lot to process now and I'm really hurting, but I'm going to focus on working through it with my therapist. I guess this will be the end of this thread as I feel like there's nothing else to be really said, but thank you from the bottom of my heart to all of you for helping me through this. I truly appreciate you all and I hope you all are happy and healthy.

xx Miffy