Words to live by

[AndieA]

I would like to share some words that were in a reply to a post I wrote.  To me they are very profound, and may seem obvious to someone who is not in the middle of a confusing, or an emotionally unbalanced relationship.  

Be brave and ask!  It is your relationship too and you get to decide if you stay or go just like he [or she] does for himself [herself].  ....LostandHurt

You have every right to ask of your partner anything you feel you need to know, to decide whether or not you want to still continue the relationship.  If you are wondering about something in the relationship, ASK!  

[rainbowsandroses]

5 minutes ago, AndieA said:

I would like to share some words that were in a reply to a post I wrote.  To me they are very profound, and may seem obvious to someone who is not in the middle of a confusing, or an emotionally unbalanced relationship.  

Be brave and ask!  It is your relationship too and you get to decide if you stay or go just like he [or she] does for himself [herself].  ....LostandHurt

You have every right to ask of your partner anything you feel you need to know, to decide whether or not you want to still continue the relationship.  If you are wondering about something in the relationship, ASK!  

Amen sista.... 😀

[lostandhurt]

I have been guilty of not asking fearing the answer.  Funny thing is the answer is the same whether you ask it or not.  I know better now not to fear the  answer even if it is bad news because then I have the knowledge to decide what to do next instead of keeping my head in the sand.

  Lost

[Batya33]

9 hours ago, AndieA said:

I would like to share some words that were in a reply to a post I wrote.  To me they are very profound, and may seem obvious to someone who is not in the middle of a confusing, or an emotionally unbalanced relationship.  

Be brave and ask!  It is your relationship too and you get to decide if you stay or go just like he [or she] does for himself [herself].  ....LostandHurt

You have every right to ask of your partner anything you feel you need to know, to decide whether or not you want to still continue the relationship.  If you are wondering about something in the relationship, ASK!  

I don't see it as a right. My "rights" in my marriage I guess have to do with the financial/legal stuff being legally married entitles me to but I don't use that sort of mindset for the personal/emotional/commitment.  

I agree with caveats -respecting your partner's timing and how to bring stuff up -how you communicate it and when -I don't like the idea of people blurting stuff out/demanding to "talk" at whatever time of day or night. Some subjects are best brought up in person and not during a work day/work deadline, some subjects should wait if your partner is going through something like a parent who is very ill, work stress, getting over a bad headache. 

And check in with yourself first - if you're sleep deprived/irritable/hangry then what you then feel "I need to know!!!" you might feel is really silly after a good night's sleep or you realize you misread an email or text or whatever.  To me just "wondering" is not the standard.  There are two people in the relationship -two people who deserve respect and thoughtfulness and tact. 

I also don't like the adversarial tone of this.  It feels like a one foot out the door kind of statement.  

[smackie9]

Being brave and asking doesn't always get you results. You can be lied to or gaslit for it.

[rainbowsandroses]

57 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Being brave and asking doesn't always get you results. You can be lied to or gaslit for it.

Very fair point.  

On one hand, I do believe in asking questions.  Versus remaining confused and wondering

Or asking others what they think.  Doing so serves no good purpose and may possibly leave you more confused.  No one truly knows the answer but the person who made the comment or behaving in a manner that confuses you.

Knowledge IS power after all and the more knowledge we have about a person or situation, the better we are at making the best decision for us.

But then again, as @smackie9 just said, they may not be truthful or gaslight.  

For me, this is where my own intuition plays a big part in whether I ask or not.  Often times, at least for me, intuitively I know the answer. 

So there's no need to even ask.  I trust my intuition and base my decision on that.  I have left relationships based on my intuition and it turned out my intuition was correct.  We should all learn to trust it more imo.

As for everyday communication just shooting the s*** with each other?  He/she makes a comment that confuses you, ask them to clarify what they meant. 

Right then and there, don't sit wondering about it, or ask others what they think they meant.

It surprises me how many people don't do this. Even in my own life, at work or my friends.  Their boyfriend or girlfriend makes a comment and the next day, they're asking ME what they meant.

Just ask them, they're the only ones who know what they meant. 😀

[lostandhurt]

1 hour ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Just ask them, they're the only ones who know what they meant. 😀

Exactly!!!  

Not asking because you think you may be lied to or gaslit is silly because the lie tells a story and gives you the answer.  In a relationship guessing what they are feeling is a fools errand.  

How many times on this forum do we see a thread asking what was meant by this comment or statement or action when the question should be posed to the person saying it.

  If you are unsure ask for clarification, really simple at work but in a relationship it somehow becomes hard.

Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

38 minutes ago, lostandhurt said:

Not asking because you think you may be lied to or gaslit is silly because the lie tells a story and gives you the answer.  In a relationship guessing what they are feeling is fools errand.

This is very true!

And to clarify my earlier comment about intuition, I don't not ask because I think I may be lied to or gaslit.

I don't ask because I already know the answer, intuitively.  So there is no need to ask. 

The answer becomes obvious sometimes when one is paying attention, imo and experience. 

Not in all situations.   And in those situations where I'm confused or unclear, I ask.  :))

 

[Cherylyn]

I agree.  I'm not a mind reader.  I ask questions if I want answers.  I want to know.  After that,  I'm satisfied and all is well whether it's good or bad news.