Help ending a long relationship and remaining friends

[EddieKhay]

I met her 13 years ago and we met dancing. At first we were ballroom and Latin dance partners for 3 months. Her name is Krystal and she is 17 years older than me. And at first I didn't want to be in a relationship with such a big age gap in either direction. But after dancing together for 3 months we just could not resist each other. I Moved down to Vegas from PA and was living with my dad until I got on my feet at the time. But after a few months I was at her house almost 7 days a week spending the night. We lived together happily for 6 years. I took a traveling job and we did a long distance relationship for 2-3 years. And this somehow made us even closer because we constantly missed each other. And when I traveled there to live/work for a few months we always went out dancing and had a great time together.

 

She and I are very active in the dance community. And her and I had dance partners. I'm not gonna say that either of us was entirely faithful but we were always honest with each other. We were trying to be friends at this time. I was dating occasionally, but only one time ever slept with another person other than her and it was very short time. And before this she was in a relationship with a guy for a few months, they slept together. When she told me I kept my word and was told her I was happy for her and I truly was. But when I told her about this other girl months later when I met her, she lost it. I truly thought it was over for us, and I really valued her friendship. It didnt work out with her and that guy and I always support her in anything she does and always encourage her in anything she is doing.

 

She really is an amazing person to everyone, she is the cutest and most honest person I have ever met. I never got in a relationship for the next few years because I didnt want to jeopardize our friendship. And she didnt either for whatever reason. at this time we still remained what she always called friends, but I always referred to her as my girlfriend to my friends and her and this made her happy. She would always joke around about us being friends but didnt want to call me her boyfriend. She already has 2 grown kids that were in there mid 20s at this time. And I really wanted to start a family but I put that on hold because I was afraid of losing her, since I really value her friendship. So we maintained this for a few years.

 

Then skip ahead to the end of 2018 I got in a terrible ski accident and shattered my pelvis, tore 5 ligaments in my knees and ruptured my bladder and other complications. I was in the hospital for a month and did almost a year of therapy. Working really hard to get my life and health back. I always liked to see her happy so I really downplayed my injuries  to her (she told me later she knew it was really bad), and my mom came to stay with me the entire time I was in the hospital and during my recovery. A year later I moved back to the east coast to stay with my mom as I was still only about 60% recovered. Then Covid happened and I ended up locking down with my mom and this really slowed my recovery, because I didn't want to get covid so I stopped seeing the doctors.

 

Then when Covid was over and I realized the only way I was gonna get my health back was to go work again. So I traveled back to Vegas and lived with her for 3 months and we had an amazing time together. We tried to have sex but she was 60 at the time and I wasn't fully recovered. It hurt her to try. We never had sex, and at this was 2021 and we had not had sex since 2018, and we have still not had sex since 2018. I was not in any condition to have sex really anyway at this time.

 

In the beginning of 2022 I moved to Texas and absolutely love it here and want to call this place home. She lives in Vegas with her 2 kids and her sister nearby. Since I moved to Texas we have visited each other 3 times for a week to a few weeks each time. When I talk to friends/coworkers about her I always just referred to her as my girlfriend at this time and she told her friends the same, I mostly didnt want to explain our situation. But the last trip she was here I told her how much I loved Texas and I was going to buy a home here. She said, something along the lines of, its time for me to let you go, because she realized that we were gonna live so far apart. We have always talked about this possibility and always agreed that we would never get in a relationship that would not allow us to be friends still because we both really value each others friendship and support.

 

In the last couple of months I have finally felt strong enough to start taking dance classes regularly, I know 4 years seems like a long time. But I was really messed up from that tree I hit skiing. I have always been addicted to dancing and am again. I am meeting lots of potential matches at dancing, work, etc. And would like to find someone my age but I am afraid that even though she says she can handle it that maybe she wont be able to. And this has stopped me in the the past and I still am worried about it now because of that one time she couldn't handle it. I know she is ok with the thought of it but I still feel like she might not be able to handle it.

 

I finally after dancing and exercising feel like I could have sex again. And dancing has brought passion back into my life. I know her and I will have an amazing time on this upcoming cruise. And I really would like to find a long term relationship in Texas. And she has told me that she never wants to leave Vegas.

 

So I'm here to seek outside advice from this community on how to continue. To me I would ideally like to meet someone in Texas that is open to the fact that I am good friends with Krystal. And trust me to know that I will be loyal to her and just be friends with Krystal. I didnt make things easier because Every time I seen her after my accident we would kiss and cuddle and love each other intimately but not have sex because of my injury and it hurt her when she tried to have anything other than self onanism (please google). I just couldn't help it we really love each other and tell each other that a lot..

 

I would like to find a long term relationship in Texas, a relationship that would allow Krystal and I to still be friends.. I will at least try to find someone here and feel like maybe I am overthinking it and she is mature enough in our relationship now to be able to control herself this time from not getting jealous. But I realize if it wasnt meant to be it wasnt meant to be even though I want to remain friends I dont want to be single anymore and I dont want to move back to Vegas, because I love Texas and my job here. And I really didnt like living in Vegas, other hanging out with her and her friends.

 

Krystal is Taiwanese and her friends are all Chinese and Taiwanese and I know its a culture thing but they all always treated me like gold. This is a lot longer than I had expected so I will end it here even though I probably could add more but I wanted you all to know the whole story before giving me advice on how to move forward on this. Any advice would be really appreciated on how to maintain a friendship after a long relationship and finding another relationship. If anyone has been in this situation before that advice would be really appreciated as well. Thank you all for reading this far. 

[EddieKhay]

I also have decided to not date any girls that I meet that are serious about dancing because it is a small community and I know how crazy my situation is that I just dont want to risk it. And I probably wont date people at work either. I'm talking trying to find a date off of online dating apps right now. And when I go out with co-workers, But I have always tried to avoid dating women that I meet at the bars.

[boltnrun]

Ah, I see you broke this up into paragraphs. Thanks, you are likely to get more responses than a wall of text.

I would not agree to a relationship with a man who is in love with another woman and who plans to continue to travel with and visit this other woman. A relationship is two people unless the three of them agree to be a threesome. Maybe you can find a woman who wants a relationship with the both of you?

[EddieKhay]

28 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Ah, I see you broke this up into paragraphs. Thanks, you are likely to get more responses than a wall of text.

I would not agree to a relationship with a man who is in love with another woman and who plans to continue to travel with and visit this other woman. A relationship is two people unless the three of them agree to be a threesome. Maybe you can find a woman who wants a relationship with the both of you?

I would not agree to that either. I would want us to all be friends and hang out together when I see her.. Krystal is such an honest and reliable person. I feel as if anyone that would meet her would know she can be trusted if they just got to know her and seen the type of people she surrounds herself with. That is of course if Krystal can not get jealous. And if she did it would force my hand to completely distance myself from her. I would want to be open and honest with everyone at all times and stay loyal to my new girlfriend. Hearing you say that, makes me realize this may just be a ridiculous thing to achieve and I may have to just cut this relationship all together. Which saddens me more than anything.

[Cherylyn]

If Krystal wants to be friends,  then be friends.  If it's not awkward to be friends,  then be friends.  However,  it's not advisable.  Usually once the relationship ends,  the association ends but I'm not you and both of you should do what both of you are comfortable with. 

[Jaunty]

That is quite a beautiful story about two people who have deep authentic love for one another.  This kind of connection easily transcends sex. 

I believe you will be able to keep boundaries, and that you can find a woman to share your life with who will be able to accept this.  It will not necessarily be easy.   Fortunately this kind of thing becomes easier as we grow older and have more experience in our lives.  We can learn that someone's love for another person is not necessarily threatening to us.

[EddieKhay]

11 minutes ago, Jaunty said:

That is quite a beautiful story about two people who have deep authentic love for one another.  This kind of connection easily transcends sex. 

I believe you will be able to keep boundaries, and that you can find a woman to share your life with who will be able to accept this.  It will not necessarily be easy.   Fortunately this kind of thing becomes easier as we grow older and have more experience in our lives.  We can learn that someone's love for another person is not necessarily threatening to us.

That is exactly how I feel. She is 64 and I am 47. You have brought a tear to my eye with your reply thank you. I really can't imagine life without her in it.

[EddieKhay]

5 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

If Krystal wants to be friends,  then be friends.  If it's not awkward to be friends,  then be friends.  However,  it's not advisable.  Usually once the relationship ends,  the association ends but I'm not you and both of you should do what both of you are comfortable with. 

Her and I have recently talked about it and she said she is comfortable with it. And I have put a lot of thought on it after writing this and I think she is and will be.

I guess now I am wondering how to approach this with this girl that I met the other night dancing. We both had a strong connection and she is in a similar situation where she is living and co parenting with someone she was in a 19 year relationship with. But they have been separated for 3 years now but are still living together, and none of that bothers me at all.

We had an amazing connection and if I feel I can trust and believe her I could date her knowing she is living and co-parenting with her x-boyfriend.  I really like her a lot we danced bachata together really slow and sensual and I could feel the connection between us. 

[Wiseman2]

Just now, EddieKhay said:

 she is in a similar situation where she is living and co parenting with someone she was in a 19 year relationship with. 

Interestingly,  unavailable people choose other unavailable people. You seem overly dependent and attached to your former FWB and this woman lives with her. "ex".

You really don't need your friend's/former FWB permission to date whoever you wish.

However it seems you feel "safe" with someone unavailable and equally overinvolved with someone else.

For many people living with an "ex" is a red flag, on the other hand, presenting yourself and your friend/FWB as a package deal is a red flag for many also.

[EddieKhay]

This is our last two few texts. 

(Me)

I hope this is not too forward. But do you mind if I ask if your married? I had a really amazing time with you last night and it's all I could think about at work last night.  

I'm not married but I was in a 13 year relationship before I moved to Texas a year and a half ago. And we are still good friends. Either way I'm ok with friends with you or the possibility to get to know each other outside of dancing. 

(Her)

 

No, it's not too forward. I'm happily single. I left the father of my children a year ago in July after 19 years. We were never married either. It was long, long overdue and I finally made the decision to leave prior to Covid but then four months later the world flipped upside down and we stayed under the same roof coparenting for another three years. I definitely don't recommend ending a relationship that way but we managed to come out on the other side amicably.

 

(Me)

Thank you for sharing that with me. I look forward to seeing you again. I'm gonna start taking the West Coast swing level 2 classes when I get back, it's such an amazing dance. I have been passionate about dancing all my life I grew up break dancing at an early age. And I got into ballroom when I was in my early 30s by chance. I went to the wrong studio for a hip hop class. And absolutely fell in love with it. I took classes for a few years and then danced socially for a few years. After my accident and then covid I didn't dance and missed it dearly. Now that I am taking classes again and dancing again I'm so happy to have that passion back in my life. 

(Her)

It's great to have a lifelong passion like that. I didn't dance when I was younger and wish that I had. But I'm trying to make up for it now. It brings me such joy. See you in class!

 

(Me)

If you ever need a practice partner or you want to take that West Coast swing partner required class I'm here for you. See you in class!

 

 

I know I said before that I would try not to date someone that takes dance seriously because it's a small community, but I feel like we are kind of in the same situation except I don't have any kids. I'm ok with being in a relationship with someone with kids. 

I am going on a vacation for 2 weeks and need advice. Should I try and text her while I'm away or should I just wait til I am back and see her in class. I don't want to be over bearing

[EddieKhay]

8 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Interestingly,  unavailable people choose other unavailable people. You seem overly dependent and attached to your former FWB and this woman lives with her. "ex".

You really don't need your friend's/former FWB permission to date whoever you wish.

However it seems you feel "safe" with someone unavailable and equally overinvolved with someone else.

For many people living with an "ex" is a red flag, on the other hand, presenting yourself and your friend/FWB as a package deal is a red flag for many also.

I appreciate your advice it is very helpful. I don't plan to continue benefits anymore with Krystal, and we hadn't had sex since 2018. In our upcoming cruise I'm gonna tell her we can't kiss or cuddle anymore. I also think your tight in me being too overdependant but she has always been there for me and I can trust her.

 

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, EddieKhay said:

Her: See you in class! should I just wait til I am back and see her in class. 

Try not to get ahead of yourself. Her response to asking to get together was "see you in class". Try to slow down and develop some rapport, perhaps ask to stop off for a drink/bite after class next time you see her.

[EddieKhay]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to get ahead of yourself. Her response to asking to get together was "see you in class". Try to slow down and develop some rapport, perhaps ask to stop off for a drink/bite after class next time you see her.

That sounds like a great idea. There are a lot of good restaurants in walking distance.

[EddieKhay]

20 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

Try not to get ahead of yourself. Her response to asking to get together was "see you in class". Try to slow down and develop some rapport, perhaps ask to stop off for a drink/bite after class next time you see her.

I forgot to mention that I was going on vacation for 2 weeks. Do you think I should still wait or try and contact her via text or calling her while i'm on vacation? I really like her, and am just not sure what to do.

also I told her when I was walking her to the car that I would text her my facebook info and she said ok. And I sent her the information and she never added me. Should I see this as a red flag?

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, EddieKhay said:

 I told her when I was walking her to the car that I would text her my facebook info and she said ok. 

That's fine. However you're going on vacation with your FWB so how awkward is that?

[SooSad33]

On 9/12/2023 at 11:39 AM, EddieKhay said:

But the last trip she was here I told her how much I loved Texas and I was going to buy a home here. She said, something along the lines of, its time for me to let you go, because she realized that we were gonna live so far apart. We have always talked about this possibility and always agreed that we would never get in a relationship that would not allow us to be friends still because we both really value each others friendship and support.

I feel YOU are the lost & confused one here.

You have based YOUR life around this woman you have no future with and it's sad 😕 .

I don't know what you are waiting for?  Is time to get a life.  Move on and find your equal, your special someone.  Sadly, no, she never was. 

BUT, in order to do so, you NEED to stop putting her on a pedestal!  Your time with her is long gone. Long over.

So, isn't it time to work on accepting this and living your life for yourself?  Instead of just wasting it away on some long gone, years past odd relationship that never grew?

For me, I could never be true 'friends' with an ex.  It was either all or nothing.  As we have a past and was hard for me to 'go backwards' ( back to just friends). Especially if I was emotionally invested .

In ways, I feel, for your own good, is to start to distant yourself in order to be able to move on in a healthy manner.  So, no expectations!  And no, no intimacy req'd.

 

[boltnrun]

Are you two sharing a cabin and a bed when you go on the cruise together?

If so, that would definitely be problematic for women you are trying to date.