Feels like I can't make anything stick (21M)

[JayOne]

So I see myself as quite a passionate person - I love calisthenics, I workout a fair amount, I've been getting into the acoustic guitar recently, I love travelling and hiking, so I have interests and things I care about. I'm also a couple years into an engineering degree.

I'm average attractiveness, I recently got my teeth whitened (they needed it but it wasn't bad before), and I've had a couple casual, but not serious, short term relationships in the past (latter half of last year) which was a big breakthrough for me at the time since I'd never even been on a date before that, and I met a couple women and things went well. Things fizzled out between us and I was forced to focus more on my degree because the content got tough so I didn't have much spare time, and I stopped being able to get out there and meet people.

Things went downhill from here and I lost any game I did have, and I've lost interest in hookups (which I've never really done anyway and haven't really been good at), and I just want to meet someone who I feel a connection with and persue something long term. I recenly started a work placement (a 12 month job that is sandwiched between my uni degree years) in this town I've never been, so I downloaded Hinge to try and meet as many people as possible and play the numbers game, hoping to meet women (and hopefully someone I can build a connection with) but even after a decent number of matches I haven't ended up with a single date. And I guess I'm just bored of being alone - don't get me wrong, I'm only 21, but there is a deep sense of not feeling whole within me so this is something I really want to address. A lot of the women at work are in relationships already and since it's an engineering role there aren't exactly lots around to get to know better anyway, so that doesn't seem like such an option. And since I'm in a new town, I don't know anyone here - it seems kind of creepy to walk up to girls in the gym? Although I have had casual conversations with a couple in there before.

I'd just like some advice on what I could possibly do to get dates, to make something stick, to improve my chances (maybe a change in mindset?) - I understand this is a broad question but I'm not too sure how else to phrase it. In the past I've tried to work on myself so I do become the kind of person a woman would see value in but I'm at a loss at this point. Also, I am quite an unapproachable person, which defo does not help.

[Andrina]

Look at Meetup.com groups in your area. Plenty around my area have groups that meet up for hiking, going to festivals, kayaking, bicycling. Some are geared to anyone interested in socializing. Some are specific to singles in a particular age group. You could also take dance lessons in whatever type seems fun to you. Or do volunteer work at a local zoo or museum. This should give you practice in being more approachable, and they are opportunities to meet women in a less stressful way than OLD.

[Kwothe28]

I read somewhere a while ago something that is kinda true. And that dating is, for all intentive purposes, a second job. You need to take the time of your week to go out there, meet people and maybe find somebody. With Uni degree and a job, dont think you have much time to dedicate to that. For example, you love traveling and hiking. So maybe joining a hiking club(if there is one in the area) is a good way to meet likeminded people. But if you study and work maybe you dont have enough time to put into that. For example maybe they organize a hiking trip over weekend. But if you dont have time, you wont go.

If you want to date, yes, you would maybe need to make time for it first. As well as meet plethora of women before you even go on dates with them. And just maybe few of those would stick around for more. Some get lucky and maybe find somebody faster. But for lots of people its a process. You need to get out there and dedicate to that as well. You have lots of nice interests and some like traveling and acoustic guitar are something that women particularly like. So I dont doubt that you would do fairly nice out there. But again, you would maybe need to dedicate some time into it.

[Batya33]

I like the suggestions above .  I suggest given your background especially volunteering backstage at a community or church theater.  I know of several couples who met this way and many who made lifelong friends/connections.  Good luck!  

[smackie9]

Build a social group with those whom you work with. Doesn't matter if those women are in relationships. The more women you know the better the network. Why? because they may have single female friends or family members. If you set a great impression with them, they would be inclined to invite you to gatherings and introduce you to the single ladies in their group. Being social, charming, funny, confident, will get you places. Women are emotional creatures, so body language, humor, a personality that makes them feel warm and fuzzy around you is better than focusing on your teeth, or body shape. You see men get that so wrong. Women feel things with their emotions, not with their eyes. An out of shape ok looking guy with loads of charm would sweep more women off their feet than some buffy guy that doesn't have much to say. 

[JayOne]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Build a social group with those whom you work with. Doesn't matter if those women are in relationships. The more women you know the better the network. Why? because they may have single female friends or family members. If you set a great impression with them, they would be inclined to invite you to gatherings and introduce you to the single ladies in their group. Being social, charming, funny, confident, will get you places. Women are emotional creatures, so body language, humor, a personality that makes them feel warm and fuzzy around you is better than focusing on your teeth, or body shape. You see men get that so wrong. Women feel things with their emotions, not with their eyes. An out of shape ok looking guy with loads of charm would sweep more women off their feet than some buffy guy that doesn't have much to say. 

I agree with this. And I suppose being those things like confident will just take more practice... I actually get on pretty well with my colleagues and a lot of us are students so we're similar ages (much less of the awkward culture gap that comes with large age differences) so I do need to push to build a social group with them. Thanks for your comment

[JayOne]

On 8/14/2023 at 11:42 PM, Kwothe28 said:

I read somewhere a while ago something that is kinda true. And that dating is, for all intentive purposes, a second job. You need to take the time of your week to go out there, meet people and maybe find somebody. With Uni degree and a job, dont think you have much time to dedicate to that. For example, you love traveling and hiking. So maybe joining a hiking club(if there is one in the area) is a good way to meet likeminded people. But if you study and work maybe you dont have enough time to put into that. For example maybe they organize a hiking trip over weekend. But if you dont have time, you wont go.

If you want to date, yes, you would maybe need to make time for it first. As well as meet plethora of women before you even go on dates with them. And just maybe few of those would stick around for more. Some get lucky and maybe find somebody faster. But for lots of people its a process. You need to get out there and dedicate to that as well. You have lots of nice interests and some like traveling and acoustic guitar are something that women particularly like. So I dont doubt that you would do fairly nice out there. But again, you would maybe need to dedicate some time into it.

I found this out when my workload got so big during my 2nd year of uni - I just didn't have time for it. I do have some evenings and weekends free so I do have free time to dedicate to this, but it is tight. I appreciate the comment

[JayOne]

On 8/14/2023 at 9:59 PM, Andrina said:

Look at Meetup.com groups in your area. Plenty around my area have groups that meet up for hiking, going to festivals, kayaking, bicycling. Some are geared to anyone interested in socializing. Some are specific to singles in a particular age group. You could also take dance lessons in whatever type seems fun to you. Or do volunteer work at a local zoo or museum. This should give you practice in being more approachable, and they are opportunities to meet women in a less stressful way than OLD.

This is really insightful, I've never seen that website before. Will check it out and see what interests me! Cheers!