Married 10 years with a daughter. Lost.

[Mark F]

First post so hi.

Rather than go through my life experience (Now 50 years old) which is important I will bullet point it.

• Didn't have great childhood.  Always left out of the family.
• Always helped people before helping myself.  Friends an family.
• My first marriage didn't work out. Lack of communication.
• Introverted.  Like my own space.

 

We have a 10-year-old daughter and I am extremely worried about my marriage and the possible consequences if things get worse.

My wife is Asian and very successful at her job.  I am from the UK and have always worked for myself.  Despite the culture difference my wife has always worked in a western environment.  Like any relationship things were great at the start.  When we married after dating for 2 years I moved in with her family.  A slight culture shock but It all worked out fine.  However, a year into our marriage we had a few arguments but nothing too serious.  Following a previous relationship, and some paranoia and insecurity - which I relate to my childhood, I did a search on the net for my wife's name and noticed she was still active on a dating site with the status of single.  Obviously, this led to an argument and some explanation as to why.  She didn't deny and said nothing happened and that she had just forgotten about it (That's the shortened version).  We did discuss it and why I reacted badly to it.  I forgot to mention, from the start of our relationship I laid my cards on the table.  Told her everything about my past, including family issues.  I have always been upfront and truthful.  Her train of thought has always been focus on the now.

Early into out marriage we were both earning a decent wage.  I was earning a little more.  She was partners in a marketing company but wasn't happy.  I encourage her to look beyond what she had and she took my advice and is now a leader of a very large company in Asia.  I have always been proud of what she has achieved and in some ways I think indirectly lost a few friends from talking about what my wife has done.  I thought, and still do think highly of her.  It is only now that I realize that It may have seemed like I was bragging.  But that wasn't the case.  Either way, I lost friends.

Moving on we decided we wanted kids, our daughter.  But by the time my she reached the age of 2, things in our intimate relationship just vanished.  I am talking once every few months if lucky.  I never pressured her, she had no signs of post natal depression or an other problems that might cause us to fail in that department.  We were getting along, rarely argued apart form the odd disagreement.  Living with parents wasn't ideal but I adopted that culture with no issue.  The lack of intimacy led to arguments eventually.  Why?  What am I doing wrong?  What do you want me to do?  The usually question which did lead to conversation of "We need to try more".  But it never happened.  Fast forwarding 2 years and things are still the same but I notice a pattern.  Despite the lack of intimacy, when we did have sex, it was always on her terms.  When she wanted it.  I never refused.  But I noticed when I hinted something always got in the way.  The arguments became more frequent to eventually me saying something I regret, but it was the truth.  I said "The way we are right now is going down hill fast and if it wasn't for our daughter we would have ended this relationship a long time ago".   My wife held this against me for some time.  2 or 3 years.  If an argument cropped up she would mention the comment I made.

Fast forwarding as there are too many details.  My wife caused the closure of my business indirectly.  She made a comment along the lines of a staff member only cares about the money.  The staff member overheard the conversation on the phone which led to an argument between me and him.  He left along with another staff member costing me 3/4 of my clients.  The Covid came which put the nail on the coffin.  I am left with a few clients I can manage from home but my earnings have dropped significantly.  Fortunately, my wife earns enough that we don't need to worry, but that isn't the point.  I have lost my own dependency financially because of what happened at my office.

Getting past that, our sex life has still been none existent.  While we have managed once every 2 months if lucky to and unbelievable but rare twice in a week. it is not in a healthy way at all.  Don't get me wrong, when It happens it's great, but definitely one-sided as far as pleasure goes.  I am usually left unsatisfied.  Example: without sounding graphic.  When the man finishes women often complain of it being over.  For me, I am blessed with being able to continue, but when she has reached orgasm, it is game over and I am often left doing "spanking the monkey" in the shower!

The argument over sex or lack of continued and still do.  I went from me sitting on the edge of the bed asking what the problem is and why is she selfish when it comes to love making.  I would walk out of the room and go for a drive just to calm down.  When my wife argues she shouts, something I don't like to do when our daughter is around.  My daughter is closer to me than my wife.

I forgot to mention that from the time things started to get bad, let's say 7 years ago, I have been suffering from Insomnia.  Personally I think worrying, wondering, getting suspicious even if there has been nothing to get suspicious about.  The argument led from distrust, because recently I found out my wife owed a lot of money in tax which she hadn't paid.  Annoyingly, I was my former staff member who informed me as they rang the office asking for my wife.  The financial side has been dealt with but I explained to my wife withholding financial information from me is not good.  Where is the trust?

My attitude changed over the last two years from being frustrated over the lack of sex, to not giving a damn.  No longer did I ask, argue or question why.  I just went to bed knowing it was not going to happen.  The benefit was I started to sleep.  We oddly started communicating a little more, but no improvement in the bedroom dept.

More recently, last year, my wife came home with a bandage over her nose.  She had talked about doing something.  I wasn't sure what it was because I liked her the way she was.  OK, she had a nose job.  But after the nose had healed she came back after work with swollen lips.  I asked what happened.  She said she had her lips done.  Injections.  I didn't know what to say.  I know it is her body and she can do what she wants to it but she didn't think to ask my opinion.  I know a lot of women will say it is her body to do what she wants with and I agree, but not without at least informing your husband and asking for their opinion, and a 10-year-old daughter who says "Daddy, hat has mummy done to her mouth".  And to add, she also had treatment for hair removal on her lower bits.  So I am majorly confused.  I know we are in a near sexless marriage, but I always compliment her.  Remind her what she has achieved and tell my daughter how proud we should be.  (BTW, at this point we are still caring for two elderly parents in their 90s.  The father-in-law has been suffering with dementia for 8 years which has taken its toll on us all.  He passed away recently and we are still caring for our mother-in-law).  So I am confused and think why?  We don't have sex, we barely communicate, when we argue she says sex is all I think about.  Odd as we are 10 years on.  So I asked why.  She said she did it for me.  I said there was nothing wrong with your lips so why didn't you at least ask me what I though.  Yes, ultimately your decision but I would have like to have been respected about the decision you were making.  So I ask further.  What about the har removal.  Why would you do that for me when we don't, or very rarely have sex.  It led to a seriously confusing debate with it ending, she did it for me.

So after gestating all this for a couple of days I questioned her again and still tell her I do not understand.  She has never explained that she feels insecure about her body parts and why she would do it.  My daughter was embarrassed she say so didn't even consider my daughter.  We had another argument recently, 2 months ago and my wife said exactly the same thing to me that I said 7 years ago.  If it wasn't for our daughter we would be done.  I agreed because I said the same thing.  After e calmed down 2 days later I brought this up.  But she denied saying it.  Now we seem to have this thing where we accuse each other of forgetting what someone said and my wife sarcastically said I should record the conversation in future.  So that's what I have been doing.  She apologized when I played the recording back.  Her arguments are hypocritical.  She tells me not to bring up past issue that still affect me today. The dating app, my business, the finances owed and body changes.  Live in the now.  I have said some things out of frustration and I realize this is only one side of the story.  But, I have never lied to my wife.  I am open also with my daughter.  Typing this is getting me so frustrated to I will update the present with bullet points.

• We had a good 3 weeks with intimacy.  As she is so busy with work we booked in for weekends.
• Oddly she never used to like me kissing her on the neck.  She would close up but now she loves it!!!
• Still one sided.  I am definitely the multiple guy and still left unsatisfied.
• Back to the silence.  She hates it when I am right whether about the car needing servicing, house repairs or anything else.  She waits for it to break before fixing.  Just come back from a holiday and the car developed and issue on the 3 hour drive there.  She doesn't like 'I told you so".  But for me it is not that, she does not listed to me at all.
• I am at the point where I no longer care if if my suspicions is just that or real.  I worry for my daughter.  I have suggested marriage guidance for years.  She declined and thought we could fix ourselves.  When I told her a week ago I am burnt out.  I have nothing left to offer or do she asked for marriage guidance.  I am stuck.  I love her, I really do but I feel this is driving me mentally crazy.

Hoping someone has been through it and survived!

 

 

[Mark F]

Need my glasses.  A few typos.  To add. I am always the one to apologize or break the ice regardless of who is at fault.

[Wiseman2]

Unfortunately you're in a tremendous power struggle. Step way back. Privately and confidentiality see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell her and stop suggesting marriage therapy.

Contact an attorney for support, information and advice on your particular situation. Do not tell her or threaten divorce. Just gather information for now.

The petty bickering about who's right who's wrong is a power struggle. So step back stop trying to fix her and the marriage for a while and focus on your own health and happiness.

[Batya33]

Is she physically affectionate with you otherwise ? Do your in laws help with your child ?  Does she like being a parent ? Do you ? I mean help since your wife works - I realize she’s 10 not a baby. What are you doing to regain your level of prior employment etc?  Does she resent being the main breadwinner ?

I’ve actually been wearing makeup more often the last couple of months. Mostly for me. To feel better about myself as I age - my husband and I are in our mid 50s with one 14 year old child.  I mean also “for him “ - I like to look nice for him too. Maybe your wife just felt motivated to get this done as she was feeling out of sorts but didn’t know how to express that to you - or even to herself ?

Im sorry you’re struggling. 

[Mark F]

12 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Unfortunately you're in a tremendous power struggle. Step way back. Privately and confidentiality see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Do not tell her and stop suggesting marriage therapy.

Contact an attorney for support, information and advice on your particular situation. Do not tell her or threaten divorce. Just gather information for now.

The petty bickering about who's right who's wrong is a power struggle. So step back stop trying to fix her and the marriage for a while and focus on your own health and happiness.

As much as I know you're right, it is hard.  I tried stepping back when I just blocked the idea of any intimacy and I was actually calmer.  But it was like some kid of reverse phycology when I did as she wanted to get closer for a short while before it fell back into the same loop.

[Mark F]

23 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Is she physically affectionate with you otherwise ? Do your in laws help with your child ?  Does she like being a parent ? Do you ? I mean help since your wife works - I realize she’s 10 not a baby. What are you doing to regain your level of prior employment etc?  Does she resent being the main breadwinner ?

I’ve actually been wearing makeup more often the last couple of months. Mostly for me. To feel better about myself as I age - my husband and I are in our mid 50s with one 14 year old child.  I mean also “for him “ - I like to look nice for him too. Maybe your wife just felt motivated to get this done as she was feeling out of sorts but didn’t know how to express that to you - or even to herself ?

Im sorry you’re struggling. 

She is affectionate to some extent, more so than me now.  I am more cautious, resentful may be but feel like I don't want to get too close.  I'd like to start with a conversation but that rarely happens unless it's her work which I am happy to listen to.  Mother-in-law can't walk and has full-time care at home so very difficult.  I have taken care of my daughter full-time from the age of two.  I am still employed, but do not have the clients I had.  125 to 10 and finding new employees at the time was near impossible hence the loss of my clients.  We have plenty of discussions about finances as I have always worked for myself and feel guilty that she is the main breadwinner, she works very hard but enjoys her job.  She has no problem with being the main earner and happy that I am here for my daughter.

 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Mark F said:

I am more cautious, resentful may be but feel like I don't want to get too close.

So you can't expect her to be interested in sex without physical affection -I would think?

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Mark F said:

.  But it was like some kid of reverse phycology when I did as she wanted to get closer for a short while before it fell back into the same loop.

Take care of yourself and your physical and mental health first. Step away from the bickering and power struggles. It's fine to be a stay at home dad, as it works in your situation. When you step back, it makes sex less of a chore. Try building more positivity and romance into the relationship. 

[tattoobunnie]

1) Stop blaming her for why your business failed.  One, why in the world are you talking about your employees together on the phone while they are there.  There is beyond unprofessional.  You do that at home together.  And, COVID closed down shop for endless companies, so stop holding that resentment over her.  If your employees felt acknowledged or recognized, they wouldn't just leave a functional business.

2) You need to get yourself close to cumming (masturbate, watch porn); most women cannot have multiple orgasms, so if you are banging for over 20 minutes, that is way too long for them.

3) Get back out there in the work world, or focus on caring for your kid and your MIL.  Either way, your self esteem is in the toilet, and it is so unattractive on top the giant chip you have that it's all her fault why you're life sucks.  

4) Just be in charge on maintaining the cars. Take that off her plate.  Make the appointments, and drive her to work or whatever.

5) You are better off going to therapy on your own.  You have so much resentment towards her that you need to work through, not her.

[SooSad33]

I second the idea of seeking some therapy for YOU.  If she doesn't want to do that, then do it for yourself!  Work through your issue's with a professional.

You are 50 and sound quite overwhelmed with your life situations.  IMO, if they haven't worked out in time, they never will be.  So, can YOU accept what is?

We make choices thru our lives.  Has been yours, to remain - and with a few hard ships and assumptions.

As mentioned, you can choose to look around for more work, so that much can change.  Do you two have savings, from your 'decent income' over the years?

All in all, in the end, YOU can choose to be done with all of this, walk away, get your own place & share custody.  You'll get some of that money, when/if you divorce.

This is all stuff you can discuss with a therapist.... I would have considered attending one long ago.

 

 

[Mark F]

11 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

1) Stop blaming her for why your business failed.  One, why in the world are you talking about your employees together on the phone while they are there.  There is beyond unprofessional.  You do that at home together.  And, COVID closed down shop for endless companies, so stop holding that resentment over her.  If your employees felt acknowledged or recognized, they wouldn't just leave a functional business.

2) You need to get yourself close to cumming (masturbate, watch porn); most women cannot have multiple orgasms, so if you are banging for over 20 minutes, that is way too long for them.

3) Get back out there in the work world, or focus on caring for your kid and your MIL.  Either way, your self esteem is in the toilet, and it is so unattractive on top the giant chip you have that it's all her fault why you're life sucks.  

4) Just be in charge on maintaining the cars. Take that off her plate.  Make the appointments, and drive her to work or whatever.

5) You are better off going to therapy on your own.  You have so much resentment towards her that you need to work through, not her.

Fair enough points but the business closed 6 months before was a thing.  I had 3 very good staff members who had been with me for 6 years.   If  used failed then the wrong terminology.  I lost 3/4 of my revenue due to the comments my wife made regarding a staff member.  I had temp staff that came and went to cover.  Then hit.  Appreciate your comment.

[Mark F]

9 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

I second the idea of seeking some therapy for YOU.  If she doesn't want to do that, then do it for yourself!  Work through your issue's with a professional.

You are 50 and sound quite overwhelmed with your life situations.  IMO, if they haven't worked out in time, they never will be.  So, can YOU accept what is?

We make choices thru our lives.  Has been yours, to remain - and with a few hard ships and assumptions.

As mentioned, you can choose to look around for more work, so that much can change.  Do you two have savings, from your 'decent income' over the years?

All in all, in the end, YOU can choose to be done with all of this, walk away, get your own place & share custody.  You'll get some of that money, when/if you divorce.

This is all stuff you can discuss with a therapist.... I would have considered attending one long ago.

 

 

Thanks.  Actually here, the law is in favour of the father.  But I don't want that as my daughter needs her mum as much as me, despite being closer to me.  Financially we are fine.  We have 2 houses we rent out so always a backup.  I am a fitness and tennis coach also.  So may do more to keep my mind occupied.  

I know my faults.  And primarily that has always been helping others and not myself.  A friend with a punctures lung whose employer would not pay hospital bills.  A friend who could not pay his school fees.  Family and more.  I have always given and never taken.  Don't get me wrong I have a firey side.  And when I let go the people who have p*ssed me off know about it.  Being introverted as I am, I think gives the impression I am soft.  I have been in some ways.

[Mark F]

11 hours ago, tattoobunnie said:

1) Stop blaming her for why your business failed.  One, why in the world are you talking about your employees together on the phone while they are there.  There is beyond unprofessional.  You do that at home together.  And, COVID closed down shop for endless companies, so stop holding that resentment over her.  If your employees felt acknowledged or recognized, they wouldn't just leave a functional business.

2) You need to get yourself close to cumming (masturbate, watch porn); most women cannot have multiple orgasms, so if you are banging for over 20 minutes, that is way too long for them.

3) Get back out there in the work world, or focus on caring for your kid and your MIL.  Either way, your self esteem is in the toilet, and it is so unattractive on top the giant chip you have that it's all her fault why you're life sucks.  

4) Just be in charge on maintaining the cars. Take that off her plate.  Make the appointments, and drive her to work or whatever.

5) You are better off going to therapy on your own.  You have so much resentment towards her that you need to work through, not her.

I forgot to add I care for my kid and MIL 100%.  I am home full-time.

 

As for the car thing.  Actually, I am an enthusiastic mechanic doing Rally Raid on my motorcycle.  The irony is she is a leader of Asia's top auto site that deals with sales, warranties and reviews of new vehicles.  That would be like her telling my how to do a supernated dumbbell curl or add top spin to a forehand.  But some of your points are noted 

[Batya33]

7 hours ago, Mark F said:

Fair enough points but the business closed 6 months before was a thing.  I had 3 very good staff members who had been with me for 6 years.   If  used failed then the wrong terminology.  I lost 3/4 of my revenue due to the comments my wife made regarding a staff member.  I had temp staff that came and went to cover.  Then hit.  Appreciate your comment.

Given your being "too soft" and showing people when you are angry, etc and the fact that you worked with these people one on one -and she didn't - I would be shocked if one comment "caused" that dramatic turn of events.  It might have factored in -it might have been expressed by someone as "the reason" but I doubt it's "the reason."  

You don't give from a position of confidence and genuineness if you're "too soft" - but I suggest giving yourself the self-talk as far as your role in the conflict with the staff members. (And yes I worked in a couple of toxic environments since I started working in the 1980s and I've never seen "one comment" especially from an outsider trigger that sort of reaction -I mean I can think of comments that might - but not unless there already was dissension in the ranks)

[tattoobunnie]

10 hours ago, Mark F said:

Fair enough points but the business closed 6 months before was a thing.  I had 3 very good staff members who had been with me for 6 years.   If  used failed then the wrong terminology.  I lost 3/4 of my revenue due to the comments my wife made regarding a staff member.  I had temp staff that came and went to cover.  Then hit.  Appreciate your comment.

Yes, but you were still talking about them in the office with her; that could have been done in the privacy of your home.  Your business failing is on you, which happens to the best of us.  It's not on her, but you make it all about her.  At the end of the day, you were still the one talking about them. And, if they were happy to be working with you, you would have been able to speak to them about, and acknowledge how happy you are with them.  But, I gather, you said nothing; that is the straw that broke the camel's back for them.

Be accountable and understand how you are culpable for any of your achievements and failures.  It takes two to end a relationship.

[tattoobunnie]

10 hours ago, Mark F said:

I forgot to add I care for my kid and MIL 100%.  I am home full-time.

As for the car thing.  Actually, I am an enthusiastic mechanic doing Rally Raid on my motorcycle.  The irony is she is a leader of Asia's top auto site that deals with sales, warranties and reviews of new vehicles.  That would be like her telling my how to do a supernated dumbbell curl or add top spin to a forehand.  But some of your points are noted 

"The cobbler's children have no shoes."