First post so hi.
Rather than go through my life experience (Now 50 years old) which is important I will bullet point it.
Didn't have great childhood. Always left out of the family.
Always helped people before helping myself. Friends an family.
My first marriage didn't work out. Lack of communication.
Introverted. Like my own space.
We have a 10-year-old daughter and I am extremely worried about my marriage and the possible consequences if things get worse.
My wife is Asian and very successful at her job. I am from the UK and have always worked for myself. Despite the culture difference my wife has always worked in a western environment. Like any relationship things were great at the start. When we married after dating for 2 years I moved in with her family. A slight culture shock but It all worked out fine. However, a year into our marriage we had a few arguments but nothing too serious. Following a previous relationship, and some paranoia and insecurity - which I relate to my childhood, I did a search on the net for my wife's name and noticed she was still active on a dating site with the status of single. Obviously, this led to an argument and some explanation as to why. She didn't deny and said nothing happened and that she had just forgotten about it (That's the shortened version). We did discuss it and why I reacted badly to it. I forgot to mention, from the start of our relationship I laid my cards on the table. Told her everything about my past, including family issues. I have always been upfront and truthful. Her train of thought has always been focus on the now.
Early into out marriage we were both earning a decent wage. I was earning a little more. She was partners in a marketing company but wasn't happy. I encourage her to look beyond what she had and she took my advice and is now a leader of a very large company in Asia. I have always been proud of what she has achieved and in some ways I think indirectly lost a few friends from talking about what my wife has done. I thought, and still do think highly of her. It is only now that I realize that It may have seemed like I was bragging. But that wasn't the case. Either way, I lost friends.
Moving on we decided we wanted kids, our daughter. But by the time my she reached the age of 2, things in our intimate relationship just vanished. I am talking once every few months if lucky. I never pressured her, she had no signs of post natal depression or an other problems that might cause us to fail in that department. We were getting along, rarely argued apart form the odd disagreement. Living with parents wasn't ideal but I adopted that culture with no issue. The lack of intimacy led to arguments eventually. Why? What am I doing wrong? What do you want me to do? The usually question which did lead to conversation of "We need to try more". But it never happened. Fast forwarding 2 years and things are still the same but I notice a pattern. Despite the lack of intimacy, when we did have sex, it was always on her terms. When she wanted it. I never refused. But I noticed when I hinted something always got in the way. The arguments became more frequent to eventually me saying something I regret, but it was the truth. I said "The way we are right now is going down hill fast and if it wasn't for our daughter we would have ended this relationship a long time ago". My wife held this against me for some time. 2 or 3 years. If an argument cropped up she would mention the comment I made.
Fast forwarding as there are too many details. My wife caused the closure of my business indirectly. She made a comment along the lines of a staff member only cares about the money. The staff member overheard the conversation on the phone which led to an argument between me and him. He left along with another staff member costing me 3/4 of my clients. The Covid came which put the nail on the coffin. I am left with a few clients I can manage from home but my earnings have dropped significantly. Fortunately, my wife earns enough that we don't need to worry, but that isn't the point. I have lost my own dependency financially because of what happened at my office.
Getting past that, our sex life has still been none existent. While we have managed once every 2 months if lucky to and unbelievable but rare twice in a week. it is not in a healthy way at all. Don't get me wrong, when It happens it's great, but definitely one-sided as far as pleasure goes. I am usually left unsatisfied. Example: without sounding graphic. When the man finishes women often complain of it being over. For me, I am blessed with being able to continue, but when she has reached orgasm, it is game over and I am often left doing "spanking the monkey" in the shower!
The argument over sex or lack of continued and still do. I went from me sitting on the edge of the bed asking what the problem is and why is she selfish when it comes to love making. I would walk out of the room and go for a drive just to calm down. When my wife argues she shouts, something I don't like to do when our daughter is around. My daughter is closer to me than my wife.
I forgot to mention that from the time things started to get bad, let's say 7 years ago, I have been suffering from Insomnia. Personally I think worrying, wondering, getting suspicious even if there has been nothing to get suspicious about. The argument led from distrust, because recently I found out my wife owed a lot of money in tax which she hadn't paid. Annoyingly, I was my former staff member who informed me as they rang the office asking for my wife. The financial side has been dealt with but I explained to my wife withholding financial information from me is not good. Where is the trust?
My attitude changed over the last two years from being frustrated over the lack of sex, to not giving a damn. No longer did I ask, argue or question why. I just went to bed knowing it was not going to happen. The benefit was I started to sleep. We oddly started communicating a little more, but no improvement in the bedroom dept.
More recently, last year, my wife came home with a bandage over her nose. She had talked about doing something. I wasn't sure what it was because I liked her the way she was. OK, she had a nose job. But after the nose had healed she came back after work with swollen lips. I asked what happened. She said she had her lips done. Injections. I didn't know what to say. I know it is her body and she can do what she wants to it but she didn't think to ask my opinion. I know a lot of women will say it is her body to do what she wants with and I agree, but not without at least informing your husband and asking for their opinion, and a 10-year-old daughter who says "Daddy, hat has mummy done to her mouth". And to add, she also had treatment for hair removal on her lower bits. So I am majorly confused. I know we are in a near sexless marriage, but I always compliment her. Remind her what she has achieved and tell my daughter how proud we should be. (BTW, at this point we are still caring for two elderly parents in their 90s. The father-in-law has been suffering with dementia for 8 years which has taken its toll on us all. He passed away recently and we are still caring for our mother-in-law). So I am confused and think why? We don't have sex, we barely communicate, when we argue she says sex is all I think about. Odd as we are 10 years on. So I asked why. She said she did it for me. I said there was nothing wrong with your lips so why didn't you at least ask me what I though. Yes, ultimately your decision but I would have like to have been respected about the decision you were making. So I ask further. What about the har removal. Why would you do that for me when we don't, or very rarely have sex. It led to a seriously confusing debate with it ending, she did it for me.
So after gestating all this for a couple of days I questioned her again and still tell her I do not understand. She has never explained that she feels insecure about her body parts and why she would do it. My daughter was embarrassed she say so didn't even consider my daughter. We had another argument recently, 2 months ago and my wife said exactly the same thing to me that I said 7 years ago. If it wasn't for our daughter we would be done. I agreed because I said the same thing. After e calmed down 2 days later I brought this up. But she denied saying it. Now we seem to have this thing where we accuse each other of forgetting what someone said and my wife sarcastically said I should record the conversation in future. So that's what I have been doing. She apologized when I played the recording back. Her arguments are hypocritical. She tells me not to bring up past issue that still affect me today. The dating app, my business, the finances owed and body changes. Live in the now. I have said some things out of frustration and I realize this is only one side of the story. But, I have never lied to my wife. I am open also with my daughter. Typing this is getting me so frustrated to I will update the present with bullet points.
We had a good 3 weeks with intimacy. As she is so busy with work we booked in for weekends.
Oddly she never used to like me kissing her on the neck. She would close up but now she loves it!!!
Still one sided. I am definitely the multiple guy and still left unsatisfied.
Back to the silence. She hates it when I am right whether about the car needing servicing, house repairs or anything else. She waits for it to break before fixing. Just come back from a holiday and the car developed and issue on the 3 hour drive there. She doesn't like 'I told you so". But for me it is not that, she does not listed to me at all.
I am at the point where I no longer care if if my suspicions is just that or real. I worry for my daughter. I have suggested marriage guidance for years. She declined and thought we could fix ourselves. When I told her a week ago I am burnt out. I have nothing left to offer or do she asked for marriage guidance. I am stuck. I love her, I really do but I feel this is driving me mentally crazy.
Hoping someone has been through it and survived!
