What’s next?

[rainbowsandroses]

10 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

I think she is looking for the exit hatch out of this relationship, she manufactured one, and almost pulled the plug - but lost the courage to do so at the last minute.

Not sure I agree with this^ all the way because Whirl said they had a great and positive interaction up until when he said he couldn't spend time during the week because of his kid. 

Had he been able to see her during the week none of what happened would have happened, he would have gone to the beach house, and they would have had a lovely time together in person as they always do.

Whirl's sudden announcement that he had his kid and couldn't spend time (after initially agreeing) REALLY set her off and I don't think her frustration is all because of that one reason, I thinks it's a culmination of things and she sounds extremely frustrated and HURT.

To me, her angry reaction came from a place of hurt NOT wanting out necessarily.

Its not uncommon to say things out of anger (hurt) such as "this isn't going to work" in fact some couples flat out break up but then patch it up which is really dysfunctional but not uncommon.

That is what I'm seeing - hurt and frustration.

Whirl you've painted her in a not so favorable light on many occasions and no matter how hard you try to hide that from her, she more than likely senses it, senses and sees YOUR cool non-emotional demeanor and disdain about certain things (like her reaction to your hair) and reading that in her mind as lack of emotion from YOU, disinterest and that YOU may want out. 

And she's hurt!  So she lashes out with her insensitive comments as a way to gain some control back however dysfunctional that may be.

Remember we are only hearing YOUR side.  How anxious you are, how insecure you feel, how "less than" you feel and those emotions are being conveyed to HER through your cool demeanor (your way of hiding your insecurities) and she is interpreting that as disinterest from you and that you may want out.

That's what I'm seeing here fwiw.

Hurt, pain, frustration.  Yours and hers.

Whirl, you are only seeing this and everything else that's gone down between you from YOUR side.

Try putting yourself in her shoes and seeing it from HER side.

 

 

[Batya33]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Not sure I agree with this^ all the way because Whirl said they had a great and positive interaction up until when he said he couldn't spend time during the week because of his kid. 

Had he been able to see her during the week none of what happened would have happened, he would have gone to the beach house, and they would have had a lovely time together in person as they always do.

Whirl's sudden announcement that he had his kid and couldn't spend time (after initially agreeing) REALLY set her off and I don't think her frustration is all because of that one reason, I thinks it's a culmination of things and she sounds extremely frustrated and HURT.

To me, her angry reaction came from a place of hurt NOT wanting out necessarily.

Its not uncommon to say things out of anger (hurt) such as "this isn't going to work" in fact some couples flat out break up but then patch it up which is really dysfunctional but not uncommon.

That is what I'm seeing - hurt and frustration.

Whirl you've painted her in a not so favorable light on many occasions and no matter how hard you try to hide that from her, she more than likely senses it, senses YOUR cool non-emotional demeanor and disdain about certain things (like her reaction to your hair) and reading that in her mind as lack of emotion from YOU, disinterest and that YOU may want out. 

And she's hurt!  So she lashes out with her insensitive comments as a way to gain some control back however dysfunctional that may be.

Remember we are only hearing YOUR side.  How anxious you are, how insecure you feel, how "less than" you feel and those emotions are being s conveyed to HER through your cool demeanor (your way of hiding your insecurities) and she is interpreting that as disinterest from you and that you may want out.

That's what I'm seeing here fwiw.

Hurt, pain, frustration.  Yours and hers.

 

 

Totally agree and NOT to split hairs but I -maybe I misunderstood- thought he hadn’t committed to plan next week - that it was tentative?

[rainbowsandroses]

One of the biggest issues I've seen and experienced from very insecure people (in my case men since I date men) is that they attempt to compensate for and hide their insecurity by behaving cool, at times aloof with an almost "I don't give a ****") type of demeanor. - emotionless.

I've experienced this with a couple of very insecure men I've dated, only to discover later it was all an act to cover their insecurity.

Not suggesting you come off like that Whirl but in her mind you might.

Have you ever gotten angry with her?  Showed any emotion other than "nice" "I'm sorry" and trying to smooth things over?

I give her credit for being REAL and when she was angry she expressed that.

You're angry too but instead of being REAL with her and expressing your frustration and anger, you once again want to smooth things over, be "nice" and apologize.

Ugh!  I'm frustrated just reading about it, SHE is experiencing it!  

[Type O Negative]

2 hours ago, Whirling D said:

I hope so… Other than her determination to make me feel like sh*& for making that mistake, I could tell she was trying hard to figure out a way to find a middle ground. Kind of. It felt like I had to kind of coerce her to do that, as if what she felt was completely rational to her, and understandably that would be true, and I get the feeling she thought I was trying to con her into thinking otherwise. Maybe that’s true also, I can’t yet say.

as mentioned in the last post, she seemed to want to let it go and get a bit lovey-dovey, right at the end, while I sat there, almost in a daze, clearly having a hard time functioning… That probably wasn’t a good look for me. I felt like I was conveying to her that I can be an emotional wreck. welcome to my reality.  I could hardly get a coherent sentence out the whole conversation. That’s also not a good luck. I think she probably could tell that *** had me up against the ropes.

I don't see how you made a mistake. It wasn't the case of you agreeing to spend all these days with her and then cancelling was it? 

[Whirling D]

9 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I think it’s part incompatibility on a practical level but also - on top of that - it’s also on a temperament level. Because stuff like you forgot you had to drive your minor child to theater camp that triggers this maelstrom - I mean that’s not just incompatibility in schedules. It’s also deeper incompatibility in temperament. But also I don’t know if this was more like stuff building up and last straw scenario cause I’m not there (she invited me to the beach house but I forgot my son has appointments next week lol so I can’t see her in action ….)  

This stuff happens whether people are parents or not and do the two people play nicely in the sandbox??? No pun intended re beach

  I’m an old married lady and less than one hour ago I edited an email to my husband before sending  first unedited version vented about what a royal mess it was getting our cranky teenager to camp today  his email to me shared how he had a nice dinner after a hard day of manual labor - with his college friend then brought leftovers to my mom who he’s staying with this week   I edited it to three words  Great! Thanks! Same!  
 

Why ? Because I know how hard he is having it working on his damaged family home in this heat - and emotionally - and the way I’m being supportive is by holding down the fort here  so if I vent it defeats the purpose   My sense is Dr L would simply click send and be done with it  

 

your last sentence is very observant. Thank you. Yes, I think the doctor lady was quite reactionary last night.

The doctor lady went into “well, if you can’t make it up for my vacation, that just means that this just isn’t the right fit“ rather quickly and reactively.

mind you, I was probably doing that with the hair conversation, and even my response to her telling me that she didn’t like my house… I guess those are similar conversations… But hers started off, rather in the extreme, and she seemed so convinced and serious that her and I were just not going to work out. I think that would be hard for anyone to hear. It’s almost traumatic for me. It triggers almost the exact fears that send me into this wild anxiety. I’m going to be abandoned. Again. And because I made a mistake and forgot something? I can’t change that now. 

Actually, I did change something, since I was able to talk my kid’s, mother into allowing me to not have to do child duty on Monday, and Tuesday, which were the extra days I was hopeful to be able to get up to Dr. Lady’s beach house anyway.  
 

I’m starting to wonder if I even want to go. There was a lot of negative energy flying around that call last night. Which is so saddening because there was so much positive energy going on right up until that point. It kind of turned on a dime.

It makes me wonder where her head is at. I adore that lady, I could probably even say that I love her, but I certainly didn’t adore the way She responded to what I told her about how available I was. I don’t know where to go with that.

I really can’t tell if I’m over reacting, or if my gut is accurate in thinking that this lady began that conversation in a hugely destructive manner. It almost doesn’t really matter. What is done is done. Many say that my conversation about being the right fit for her because of the hair conversation was destructive. I can’t wrap my head around that. I thought I was speaking my truth. Maybe she speaking her truth? Maybe she thinks she needs more from someone than she thinks I’m going to be able to offer.
 

It could be that simple.

[Whirling D]

1 minute ago, Type O Negative said:

I don't see how you made a mistake. It wasn't the case of you agreeing to spend all these days with her and then cancelling was it? 

I think she began believing that I was going to be up there for much of the week, but I knew that wasn’t going to be likely or possible, so I think we were just on different pages as to what we thought was going to happen.  I never told her I would be up there for the entire week. That I’m pretty clear on.
 

I can only hope that’s what she is understanding today, rather than the reality she is just getting caught up in the maelstrom of a guy who lives an hour and a third away, has a 15-year-old daughter that takes up a lot of his time, and a band that also takes up time, and just doesn’t have the amount of flexibility that she may feel she needs, despite the fact that she sets up her own time boundaries.

If that’s true, then it tells me that it’s not really me that she says she loves. It sounds more like the thought of me, or the thought of anyone that she might be attracted to that could live according to her needs.

Does that at all sound potentially true?

[Whirling D]

29 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Not sure I agree with this^ all the way because Whirl said they had a great and positive interaction up until when he said he couldn't spend time during the week because of his kid. 

Had he been able to see her during the week none of what happened would have happened, he would have gone to the beach house, and they would have had a lovely time together in person as they always do.

Whirl's sudden announcement that he had his kid and couldn't spend time (after initially agreeing) REALLY set her off and I don't think her frustration is all because of that one reason, I thinks it's a culmination of things and she sounds extremely frustrated and HURT.

To me, her angry reaction came from a place of hurt NOT wanting out necessarily.

Its not uncommon to say things out of anger (hurt) such as "this isn't going to work" in fact some couples flat out break up but then patch it up which is really dysfunctional but not uncommon.

That is what I'm seeing - hurt and frustration.

Whirl you've painted her in a not so favorable light on many occasions and no matter how hard you try to hide that from her, she more than likely senses it, senses and sees YOUR cool non-emotional demeanor and disdain about certain things (like her reaction to your hair) and reading that in her mind as lack of emotion from YOU, disinterest and that YOU may want out. 

And she's hurt!  So she lashes out with her insensitive comments as a way to gain some control back however dysfunctional that may be.

Remember we are only hearing YOUR side.  How anxious you are, how insecure you feel, how "less than" you feel and those emotions are being s conveyed to HER through your cool demeanor (your way of hiding your insecurities) and she is interpreting that as disinterest from you and that you may want out.

That's what I'm seeing here fwiw.

Hurt, pain, frustration.  Yours and hers.

Whirl, you are only seeing this and everything else that's gone down between you from YOUR side.

Try putting yourself in her shoes and seeing it from HER side.

 

 

Very lovely and poignant post, rainbow. Thank you.
 

You are right. Maybe I’m not really getting at why she said what she said. It kind of felt me that she was just stomping in the sandbox, as bat was saying, and not being willing to play nicely with others. I suppose she could have just been hurt, thinking that I was trying to break up with her and not showing her the interest I had previously, when I told her, she should go find somebody that shares her religion, if that’s important to her, or whether I would fit into her world, because of my long hair, or my house. She could have interpreted those things I said as being ways I was trying to find  an escape? If I’m understanding you correctly. 

There actually could be some truth to that. I may have been testing for a bit, subconsciously, to see if she would bail outv or to give myself an escape hatch should I need one.

But I am learning, rainbow. I’m learning I have a tendency to hit and run. I haven’t wanted to do that with this lady. For the most part, I really adore this lady, and I don’t want her to disappear.

[Whirling D]

14 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

One of the biggest issues I've seen and experienced from very insecure people (in my case men since I date men) is that they attempt to compensate for and hide their insecurity by behaving cool, at times aloof with an almost "I don't give a ****") type of demeanor. - emotionless.

I've experienced this with a couple of very insecure men I've dated, only to discover later it was all an act to cover their insecurity.

Not suggesting you come off like that Whirl but in her mind you might.

Have you ever gotten angry with her?  Showed any emotion other than "nice" "I'm sorry" and trying to smooth things over?

I give her credit for being REAL and when she was angry she expressed that.

You're angry too but instead of being REAL with her, you once again want to smooth things over, be "nice" and apologize.

Ugh!  I'm frustrated just reading about it, SHE is experiencing it!  

I am not sure I follow. How should I have been reacting to her?
 

Yes, I do come across as being a bit of a problem solver, I think. But last night I was relatively emotional… I was quiet, may be coming across as a bit sulky… And eventually, I said to her… “Let me make it clear, I don’t want you to leave. I really want this to work out. I don’t want to date anyone else. I’m sorry I found this up. It wasn’t that I deliberately wasn’t thinking about you, it just went over my head. I do believe that we can work out the scheduling issues and the other things, so in many ways, it’s really more about what you wanna do that it is about what I wanna do, because I’m making it clear… I don’t want for you and I do not see each other anymore. I’m committed to this”
 

She wasn’t able to say the same, and thinking about the meme I posted from yesterday, or at least recited, how long should we be waiting around for somebody that doesn’t know what they want?

In the language that you and I have been talking about, attachment styles, I’m getting the impression that she is way more avoidant than I currently am at, and I suspect that’s what this might be… As you say, she was frustrated and hurt by me forgetting and potentially leaving her up there by herself, and she reacted, harshly, by saying that she thought we must break up. More or less. And as you say, that may have just been reactionary on her part, and maybe she didn’t really mean it, and said it’s just because she was angry? 

That’s not a language that I do well with, so as a blue, very eloquently, said, sometimes you just have energy that when it comes together, it burns too hot or too explosively. Something like that.

It was kind of like that with my ex-wife, as well.  I think it’s pretty common with two people that really care about each other. It’s hard to keep a lot of that emotion in check and understand what’s actually happening as it’s occurring. The result, is that interactions like this push buttons very deeply down, and perhaps reveal some of the fantasy of the romance, rather than the reality that you were dealing with two different people with complex emotional histories. 

[Whirling D]

I’m not sure I mentioned this before, but as that conversation was closing out, we were asking each other how we currently felt about how the discussion went… And she said to me “at least we weren’t yelling at each other“. And I responded by saying, “is that how things went with your other boyfriends when things got difficult?“ She said, “oh yeah”. I didn’t go any further with it. 
 

It might even be reasonable to think that I may have scored some brownie points with that conversation last night because I wasn’t heated and letting my guns fire. I wonder if that could be part of her baseline to hit below the belt when things go wrong.

That doesn’t really change anything, though, because that would pretty much be a dealbreaker if she continues to hit below the belt like that… Of course, if she was really truly thinking that things were not going to work out between her and I, that would be an entirely different matter, and probably also a dealbreaker, but from a different, vantage point, if that makes any sense.

I think it could even have been seen as a bit of a power struggle… Mostly from her end. She wants what she wants, and she was willing, possibly, willing to hit below the belt to get it. Just hypothesizing.

[rainbowsandroses]

30 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

As you say, she was frustrated and hurt by me forgetting and potentially leaving her up there by herself, and she reacted, harshly, by saying that she thought we must break up

What I actually said was her anger and frustration resulted from a culmination of things, NOT just this one issue of you having to spend time with your daughter.

It's been a build up and from my end as an objective observer reading your posts, you possess quite a bit of fear within and that fear is being translated to her through your words and actions as indifference at least in part.   In HER mind. 

One of the biggest mistakes people can make (both men and women) is being afraid to lose their boyfriend or girlfriend and allowing that fear to drive their thought process such that they behave in ways contrary to how they truly feel.

Be REAL, be genuine.  If you're frustrated, angry, hurt, express it, DONT try to cover it because you're afraid to lose her and don't want to "rock the boat."

I don't mean yelling and screaming matches that's not productive, but if you're angry don't be afraid to express it, to be real with each other.

The opposite of real is phony. Disingenuous.  And people can sense that and begin to not trust you.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

How did you leave things?  You going up there this weekend?

[Whirling D]

5 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

How did you leave things?  You going up there this weekend?

I was a bit in a fog last night when we ended the conversation.

Unless something changes today, I think she is expecting me to meet her at her house late on Friday and we will go up to the beach house Friday/Saturday/Sunday.

I was able to negotiate not doing child duty for Monday/Tuesday so I will be able to stay up there with her then.

If she still wants me there.

then, she has to come back early Tuesday for a delivery at her house, and then a doctors appointment on Wednesday, so she’ll probably go back up on Wednesday night.

Conceivably, I could probably go up there after band practice on Wednesday night, but I wouldn’t get there until probably 2 AM again, and I almost fell asleep on the road a couple weeks ago when I tried that.

I guess I could get up to her beach house on Thursday morning, and stay overnight and come back mid day Friday to pick up my kid from camp at 4 PM.  Don’t know if that’s too much driving for that 24 hour period of time. I’d probably enjoy it, though.
 

I have my kid the following weekend, from Friday pick up through dropping her off at camp on Monday morning… Doctor lady will be at work on that same day, I believe. I have a gig that Sunday afternoon prior, and my kid will probably be working on Saturday, maybe even Sunday, so I don’t know how that will play out. Still have to figure that one out. 

So, as far as I know, I’m supposed to talk with her today, around 5 PM, and I’ll be a nervous wreck until then, almost expecting more bad news… “I think I’ve decided we are just not going to fit”, And if that isn’t the case, I should see her early Friday evening for the ride up to the beach house.

I just looked back at a few videos from about a month ago, and it’s really hard to imagine that she meant what she said yesterday about it not being a good fit. In so many ways, her and I have the capacity to fit like a glove. That may be part of the problem. When you have two people that really want to learn to coexist like that, it can often be hard to differentiate the fantasy from the reality. 

If she really was having a hard time with me, not having enough time for her, then why hasn’t she invited me up at all this week? I think she may have been inquiring about today, but she knew I had band practice tonight. I probably could have gone up there for a couple of hours this afternoon, and maybe that would’ve been a nice relaxing time to finish up this conversation and feel better about things.

Instead, I will likely be on edge until I see her on Friday, but maybe the car ride up will be good for us.

Also, I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should check in with her by text right now and just say something nice… “Just wanted to say hi and tell you I’m thinking about you… And that I love you, and I am not going anywhere, unless you kick me out… 😖. I’m so sorry that things got off the rails last night. My heart is sore, but I am here for you if you want to talk more about it :-)” 

Smart or dumb? 🙂

Something like that.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Whirling D said:

, I did change something, since I was able to talk my kid’s, mother into allowing me to not have to do child duty on Monday, and Tuesday, which were the extra days I was hopeful to be able to get up to Dr. Lady’s beach house anyway.  

Why not mention that from the beginning? That you forgot about the summer camp, but you'll talk to the mother and see what you can do? She invited you, hoped you could make some time so why not address the situation at hand?

Gaslighting her for hours with psychobabble isn't going to do anything but create drama and manufacture chaos, which unfortunately seems to be the way you energize yourself.

 

[rainbowsandroses]

3 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I was a bit in a fog last night when we ended the conversation.

Unless something changes today, I think she is expecting me to meet her at her house late on Friday and we will go up to the beach house Friday/Saturday/Sunday.

I was able to negotiate not doing child duty for Monday/Tuesday so I will be able to stay up there with her then.

If she still wants me there.

then, she has to come back early Tuesday for a delivery at her house, and then a doctors appointment on Wednesday, so she’ll probably go back up on Wednesday night.

Conceivably, I could probably go up there after band practice on Wednesday night, but I wouldn’t get there until probably 2 AM again, and I almost fell asleep on the road a couple weeks ago when I tried that.

I guess I could get up to her beach house on Thursday morning, and stay overnight and come back mid day Friday to pick up my kid from camp at 4 PM.  Don’t know if that’s too much driving for that 24 hour period of time. I’d probably enjoy it, though.
 

I have my kid the following weekend, from Friday pick up through dropping her off at camp on Monday morning… Doctor lady will be at work on that same day, I believe. I have a gig that Sunday afternoon prior, and my kid will probably be working on Saturday, maybe even Sunday, so I don’t know how that will play out. Still have to figure that one out. 

So, as far as I know, I’m supposed to talk with her today, around 5 PM, and I’ll be a nervous wreck until then, almost expecting more bad news… “I think I’ve decided we are just not going to fit”, And if that isn’t the case, I should see her early Friday evening for the ride up to the beach house.

I just looked back at a few videos from about a month ago, and it’s really hard to imagine that she meant what she said yesterday about it not being a good fit. In so many ways, her and I have the capacity to fit like a glove. That may be part of the problem. When you have two people that really want to learn to coexist like that, it can often be hard to differentiate the fantasy from the reality. 

If she really was having a hard time with me, not having enough time for her, then why hasn’t she invited me up at all this week? I think she may have been inquiring about today, but she knew I had band practice tonight. I probably could have gone up there for a couple of hours this afternoon, and maybe that would’ve been a nice relaxing time to finish up this conversation and feel better about things.

Instead, I will likely be on edge until I see her on Friday, but maybe the car ride up will be good for us.

Also, I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should check in with her by text right now and just say something nice… “Just wanted to say hi and tell you I’m thinking about you… And that I love you, and I am not going anywhere, unless you kick me out… 😖. I’m so sorry that things got off the rails last night. My heart is sore, but I am here for you if you want to talk more about it :-)” 

Smart or dumb? 🙂

Something like that.

It would appear you didn't actually "hear" one word of what I posted.  You read it but didn't hear it.

That's okay, I'm just one person and it was just my opinion.

I'm going to leave it up to you to do what you feel is best and let chips fall where they may. 

Hope it all turns out the way you hope.

[Whirling D]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Why not mention that from the beginning? That you forgot about the summer camp, but you'll talk to the mother and see what you can do? She invited you, hoped you could make some time so why not address the situation at hand?

Gaslighting her for hours with psychobabble isn't going to do anything but create drama and manufacture chaos, which unfortunately seems to be the way you energize yourself.

 

I did that, wise. I told her from the beginning of the conversation that I would try to work something out to be up there on Monday and Tuesday. I thought I mentioned that on here.
 

I’m not entirely sure I know what you are referring to about gaslighting her with psychobabble. That’s an unfair assessment. We talked about what each one of us said, and try to come to an understanding of where it may have gone off the rails. She led with fire, saying that she thought we weren’t going to work. I had to try to bring her down off that ledge by trying to encourage her to think that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. 

I don’t get where that is gaslighting psychobabble?

[Type O Negative]

'Just wanted to say hi and tell you I’m thinking about you… And that I love you, and I am not going anywhere'

Leave it at that. Don't do million hearts and kisses emojis either. Everyone's going to have their own opinion on this but I would've loved a text like this after an argument.

[Whirling D]

2 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

It would appear you didn't actually "hear" one word of what I posted.  You read it but didn't hear it.

That's okay, I'm just one person and it was just my opinion.

I'm going to leave it up to you to do what you feel is best and let chips fall where they may. 

Hope it all turns out the way you hope.

I’m not following, rainbow. I get it. It’s a combination of things, but it came out last night and one fury directed at the fact that I didn’t have enough time for her. Or she for me.
 

I get it, and have already expressed that it was likely building up from how I responded to the hair talk, etc. If you read what I said about that conversation, I think she was hearing what I was saying, in a way differently than it was intended. I was trying to give her an out if she wanted it. I wasn’t at all telling her I wanted to break up with her. Or I thought we weren’t a good fit. It felt to me that that’s kind of what she was. Trying to tell me. 

I’m sorry if you think I didn’t get what you were trying to say. I always value what you have to say.

[rainbowsandroses]

21 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

Also, I’m having a hard time deciding whether I should check in with her by text right now and just say something nice… “Just wanted to say hi and tell you I’m thinking about you… And that I love you, and I am not going anywhere, unless you kick me out.

Can you explain what YOUR motivation is for saying this? 

Do you truly feel this way OR are you saying it to "make nice," smooth things over and not further rock the boat?  Score points?

IOW, fear of losing her due to fear of being alone, insecurity, etc.   

When the reality is, you are still angry, still feel disdain for her over her hurtful words, threats to end things, your hair etc.

Not accusing you, just asking.

What IS your true motivation?

Your posts are filled with mixed messages imo.

[rainbowsandroses]

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Can you explain what YOUR motivation is for saying this? 

Do you truly feel this way OR are you saying it to "make nice," smooth things over and not further rock the boat?  Score points?

IOW, fear of losing her due to fear of being alone, insecurity, etc.   

When the reality is, you are still angry, still feel disdain for her over her hurtful words, threats to end things, your hair etc.

Not accusing you, just asking.

What IS your true motivation?

Your posts are filled with mixed messages imo.

Also, to add, IF you truly feel this way, why are you asking us?  Just say it, with conviction and don't question it or apologize for it.

First step towards change - STOP walking on eggshells and stay true to yourself.

You don't need anyone else's approval Whirling.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

. I had to try to bring her down off that ledge by trying to encourage her to think that it wasn’t as bad as it seemed. 

"Talk her off the ledge "?  You seem to like to depict her as unhinged and try to make her second guess herself.  She was upset that initially you said you're busy all week. If you send a text, skip the backhanded hostile "unless you kick me out" part.

Unfortunately it seems like you just want to win and be right. That's why depicting her as the spawn of Satan if she dares offer her opinion on anything that's not completely flattering to you works for you.

[bluecastle]

27 minutes ago, Whirling D said:

I just looked back at a few videos from about a month ago, and it’s really hard to imagine that she meant what she said yesterday about it not being a good fit. In so many ways, her and I have the capacity to fit like a glove. That may be part of the problem.

Videos of the two of you? Or videos from relationship experts on the internet?

I feel it’s worth pointing out, given your posting history here, that you have a tendency to see conflict as a sign of compatibility—a glimpse into the “capacity to fit like a glove.” But what you are describing right now is a glove that is not fitting very well, after being worn for a very short period, and as a result both of you are getting frostbite. In other words, that “capacity to fit like a glove” might be something in your imagination, rather than reality. 

Anyhow, while her reaction strikes me as a bit intense, I can’t help but view it in part through the lens of your own intensity and propensity for dramatics. As you said yourself, you have already dangled the “this won’t work” carrot in front of her eyes on multiple occasions. I understand that in comparison you see your reactions as somehow softer and more rational than her’s—as you have with others—but it is worth remembering the old adage of giveth only what you can taketh. 

Lastly, I agree with Wise and Type O that if you’re going to text her edit out the passive aggressive stuff first. 
 

 

[Whirling D]

17 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

"Talk her off the ledge "?  You seem to like to depict her as unhinged and try to make her second guess herself.  She was upset that initially you said you're busy all week. If you send a text, skip the backhanded hostile "unless you kick me out" part.

Unfortunately it seems like you just want to win and be right. That's why depicting her as the spawn of Satan if she dares offer her opinion on anything that's not completely flattering to you works for you.

Stop. I believe you’re reading this all wrong. It wasn’t like that at all.

[Batya33]

Sorry if you mentioned but -what is her experience dating men who have children? 

[Whirling D]

16 minutes ago, bluecastle said:

Videos of the two of you? Or videos from relationship experts on the internet?

I feel it’s worth pointing out, given your posting history here, that you have a tendency to see conflict as a sign of compatibility—a glimpse into the “capacity to fit like a glove.” But what you are describing right now is a glove that is not fitting very well, after being worn for a very short period, and as a result both of you are getting frostbite. In other words, that “capacity to fit like a glove” might be something in your imagination, rather than reality. 

Anyhow, while her reaction strikes me as a bit intense, I can’t help but view it in part through the lens of your own intensity and propensity for dramatics. As you said yourself, you have already dangled the “this won’t work” carrot in front of her eyes on multiple occasions. I understand that in comparison you see your reactions as somehow softer and more rational than her’s—as you have with others—but it is worth remembering the old adage of giveth only what you can taketh. 

Lastly, I agree with Wise and Type O that if you’re going to text her edit out the passive aggressive stuff first. 
 

 

“Unless you kick me out” was meant as a joke. That was all.

[Whirling D]

31 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

Can you explain what YOUR motivation is for saying this? 

Do you truly feel this way OR are you saying it to "make nice," smooth things over and not further rock the boat?  Score points?

IOW, fear of losing her due to fear of being alone, insecurity, etc.   

When the reality is, you are still angry, still feel disdain for her over her hurtful words, threats to end things, your hair etc.

Not accusing you, just asking.

What IS your true motivation?

Your posts are filled with mixed messages imo.

Well, can I be disillusioned still love her at the same time?   
 

It’s hard to love someone that you are just getting to know. Especially when you are now getting mixed signals from them.

I’m trying to not do exactly what you guys have been saying, and that is self destruct and run. I don’t want to do that. I want to continue getting to know her. I’m doing the best I can with that.  We talked a little bit about that difficulty last night.