My husband's sex drive

[Avery3679]

I'm a 40 yr old female, my husband is 46. We've been together for 12 years, married 7. I've always had a high sex drive, and we've had an active sex life. Throughout our relationship before marriage, there were times when he couldn't stay aroused. I'd never made him feel less than for it, always been understanding and encouraging so he wouldn't get in his head and cause the issue to happen more. Once we married, he seemed more and more withdrawn from intimacy. It was like he never felt an urge for sex or any kind of intimacy. I approached him with my concern and he apologized and said he would do better. My husband is very touchy-feely with me, he grabs butt mutiple times a day. He kisses me, rubs a boob and such. However, he doesn't go passed that. I've tried to progress these touches and kisses, not everytime because he gets frustrated when he doesn't get aroused. I've tried surprised BJ's so he can be in the moment and nothing but frustration from him. This went on for 3 years of me having more conversations and expressing my need for sex or just any type of intimacy. Asking my husband to get help, see a doctor, talk to a therapist. He's put me off and says he's fine. Periodically, he would give oral on use his fingers. However, the look on his face wouldn't be of someone enjoying himself. It would be of someone concentrating so hard it made me feel like a chore. I know this issue is not easy for him. I've been there and I've never been accusatory towards him. Now that I'm at my wits end and thinking of separation, he wants to go see a doctor. So, am I to just continue to be here supporting him after 3 years of needing sex/intimacy and not being heard? To now, start a journey that should've and could've started at least 2 years ago. I'm frustrated and don't know if I can continue to go on without sex/intimacy. What should I do? I'm so lost, and tired.

[Batya33]

I find it odd that he touches you sexually and your private parts just randomly as if you’re his object or plaything. Does he ever just give you a warm and genuine hug without trying to cop a feel ? Do you grab his butt or crotch randomly when you’re walking around the house ? I’d avoid taking things further at that point he’s treating you like a sex object. I’d initiate sex after an emotionally intimate time. 

[Kampuniform3]

By definition, men and women see sex differently.  
 

For women, it’s all about intimacy and connection, whereas for the man, those notions fell by the wayside within the first couple of years.  
 

The probability that a man will see it as little more than a household chore after a certain number of years is a probability amounting to a certainty, and this applies to intimacy as well.  
 

Bear in mind that this does not mean that he has fallen out of love, or doesn’t care for you dearly, as men don’t associate love with sex at all.

If a man isn’t this way, then I can assure you that he is this way with others as well, as his appetite will not be satisfied with just one partner.  All my male friends with high sex drives were all having a bit on the side…to my horror.
 

The cure is spending time apart so that the incentive returns. However, this isn’t a permanent cure, and it will erode trust.
 

However, gauging the health of a relationship only on a paltry bi-weekly activity that typically passes with the speed of summer lightening is to put the wagon before the horse…in my opinion.  

 

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Avery3679 said:

 . Now that I'm at my wits end and thinking of separation, he wants to go see a doctor. 

Sorry this is happening. It's unfortunate he wouldn't see a physician sooner. It doesn't seem like lack of attraction, but something is up.

At 46 a lot of physiological and psychological changes can happen as far as libido, levels of arousal and ED.

He probably needs an evaluation of his physical and mental health and some  age and symptom appropriate tests. Could be anything from cardiovascular issues to depression to metabolic issues, etc . Best to check it out.

Perhaps stay on board until he gets evaluated. You shouldn't have to be frustrated for the rest of your life but it's possible this could improve with appropriate evaluations and perhaps marriage therapy to check into whatever else is going on.

[bluecastle]

Sorry about all this. 

Hopefully this need not be much of a journey. He can go to a doctor, get some pills, and you guys can enjoy the results. It sucks that it took this long for him to take action, but we're living in an age where this is generally a pretty easy thing to work with. 

Granted, if a little blue or orange pill doesn't do the trick, you may be looking at larger issues here. But take it one step at a time. 

[Andrina]

On 6/27/2023 at 2:30 PM, Avery3679 said:

I've always had a high sex drive, and we've had an active sex life. Throughout our relationship before marriage, there were times when he couldn't stay aroused.

Can I ask you how often you've preferred sex? Do you mean two or three times a week, daily, two or three times a day?

If it's far above the norm, do you think he attempted to please you as per your amount, but then that became too much for him? Perhaps the groping without intimacy is trying to meet you halfway and appeasing you without putting in all the effort that's really required?

Just a guess, if that's the case.

Other reasons for a low libido could be diabetes, being on antidepressants, hormones being out of whack, dissatisfaction with the partnership which causes anger and/or depression.

Have you ever asked him if there are areas in your relationship he thinks needs improving?

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

[lostandhurt]

Avoiding disappointing you was probably his motive in all this not to mention looking and feeling like a failure and less of a man.  This is tough for a guy.  Granted he should have taken it seriously 2 years ago and you had to almost leave him to get him to the doctor but you have a lot of history and love him correct? Is that worth another 6 months?

 A therapist needs to be in the midst of all the medical part to figure out if this is a lack of desire and if so why or purely a physical condition that could be corrected medically.  Or possibly both.

 If he doesn't try or avoids intimacy then he doesn't have to face your disappointment/frustration and his shame.

 If you are still in love with this man it seems you should at least give him a chance.  Reading your last words it almost feels like you want to hurt him a little like you have been hurt by his neglect.  I hope I am wrong but it would be understandable.

 Lost

[Avery3679]

On 6/28/2023 at 11:45 PM, lostandhurt said:

If you are still in love with this man it seems you should at least give him a chance.  Reading your last words it almost feels like you want to hurt him a little like you have been hurt by his neglect.  I hope I am wrong but it would be understandable.

 Lost

I love my husband, and I've been very understanding. I've put my needs and wants on the back burner to be supportive and making sure to express my feelings in a calm manner. I would never purposely hurt my husband; that's not me. I have always put out exactly how I feel on a variety of things throughout our years. I'm not a you should just know kind of woman.

I thank you though for your response and opinion. 

[Avery3679]

On 6/28/2023 at 3:50 PM, Andrina said:

Can I ask you how often you've preferred sex? Do you mean two or three times a week, daily, two or three times a day?

If it's far above the norm, do you think he attempted to please you as per your amount, but then that became too much for him? Perhaps the groping without intimacy is trying to meet you halfway and appeasing you without putting in all the effort that's really required?

Just a guess, if that's the case.

Other reasons for a low libido could be diabetes, being on antidepressants, hormones being out of whack, dissatisfaction with the partnership which causes anger and/or depression.

Have you ever asked him if there are areas in your relationship he thinks needs improving?

Good luck and let us know how it goes.

I don't put a number on how many times a week I need sex. Also, I feel the "norm" differs for everyone. It's not just sex though, I also include intimacy. (Make out sessions, massages, cuddling etc.)  I don't think he just wanted to appease me, I always thought it was medical maybe even mental. That's why I've been so cautious in how I approached him.

Also, twice a month we check in with one another. We ask each other how we're doing, are there things that we may feel are missing/lacking. In doing this, I wanted it to keep our line of communication open. I wanted our marriage to be a true safe place and non-judgment zone in a world full of chaos. 

Thank you for your response.

[lostandhurt]

9 hours ago, Avery3679 said:

I love my husband, and I've been very understanding. I've put my needs and wants on the back burner to be supportive and making sure to express my feelings in a calm manner. I would never purposely hurt my husband; that's not me. I have always put out exactly how I feel on a variety of things throughout our years. I'm not a you should just know kind of woman.

I thank you though for your response and opinion. 

Avery,

Good on you for the way you have  tried to make your marriage healthy and open.  Far to many people hide behind silence.

  I have no idea what your husband is thinking or feeling but I can tell you this. Some people (men usually) need to be practically whacked over the head before they start taking a problem serious like having their partner threaten to walk out the door and even then they wait until you are packed before they decide to address the issue.  Most of the time the other person has checked out by then and no amount of promises or change can undo it.

 Are you checked out? If so there is no reason to continue as it will just prolong the heartbreak of ending the marriage.

 Lost

[rainbowsandroses]

On 6/27/2023 at 11:30 AM, Avery3679 said:

I've tried to progress these touches and kisses, not everytime because he gets frustrated when he doesn't get aroused. I've tried surprised BJ's so he can be in the moment and nothing but frustration from him. This went on for 3 years of me having more conversations and expressing my need for sex or just any type of intimacy. Asking my husband to get help, see a doctor, talk to a therapist. He's put me off and says he's fine

^^This isn't a criticism, simply an observation, but you seem to be trying awfully hard to get him sexually aroused and turned on and no doubt he's feeling a lot of pressure from that.

Ironically it's this pressure that may be causing him to NOT become aroused!

I am sure he is as frustrated as you and disappointed in himself for not being able to provide what you need and make you happy.  He may also feel guilty.

None of those things are helping either. 

This is hard advice but if me, and actually HAS been me, back off. 

Stop all your attempts to arouse him including talking about it, suggesting he see a therapist (how ego-deflating that must be for him), sexy lingerie, surprise BJs, trying to escalate things when he touches/kisses you or whatever else you're doing.  

Learn to appreciate his touches/kisses for what they are, nothing more nothing less.  Learn to enjoy and appreciate the ways he does try to connect with you other than sexually. 

This will alleviate the pressure he's no doubt feeling and in time, his sexual drive and desire may return and you can once again enjoy the active and happy sex life you once had. 

Also, he should have his testosterone levels checked.  He should do that now.  

As men get older their T levels drop and as such their sex drive declines.  There are supplements he can take to bring those levels back up. 

Just some suggestions based on my own experience being in a relationship with an older man who experienced the same thing.

Good luck. 

 

 

[Avery3679]

On 7/1/2023 at 9:09 AM, lostandhurt said:

Avery,

Good on you for the way you have  tried to make your marriage healthy and open.  Far to many people hide behind silence.

  I have no idea what your husband is thinking or feeling but I can tell you this. Some people (men usually) need to be practically whacked over the head before they start taking a problem serious like having their partner threaten to walk out the door and even then they wait until you are packed before they decide to address the issue.  Most of the time the other person has checked out by then and no amount of promises or change can undo it.

 Are you checked out? If so there is no reason to continue as it will just prolong the heartbreak of ending the marriage.

 Lost

Thank you, I agree with you. Thanks for that question, I realize, I'm not checked out. I'm just frustrated. He has set an appointment to see a doctor so, I've decided to hold on and support him; support us. I appreciate reading the thoughts and opinions of people on the outside, that don't know me or my husband. I felt I could get some different perspectives. Glad I have done just that.

Much appreciated!

[lostandhurt]

5 minutes ago, Avery3679 said:

Thank you, I agree with you. Thanks for that question, I realize, I'm not checked out. I'm just frustrated. He has set an appointment to see a doctor so, I've decided to hold on and support him; support us. I appreciate reading the thoughts and opinions of people on the outside, that don't know me or my husband. I felt I could get some different perspectives. Glad I have done just that.

Much appreciated!

You are very welcome.  Sometimes the problems seem unfixable so the relationships ends but in your case and with all the advances I think this is totally fixable IF your husband puts aside his ego, pride and what ever else is holding him back from getting back to the kind of intimacy that brings you both closer together.

 That starts with total brutal honesty not only to you and his doctor but most importantly to himself. 

The first lie anyone ever tells is to themselves...

Good luck and keep us posted

 Lost

[Avery3679]

On 7/1/2023 at 10:09 AM, rainbowsandroses said:

^^This isn't a criticism, simply an observation, but you seem to be trying awfully hard to get him sexually aroused and turned on and no doubt he's feeling a lot of pressure from that.

Ironically it's this pressure that may be causing him to NOT become aroused!

I am sure he is as frustrated as you and disappointed in himself for not being able to provide what you need and make you happy.  He may also feel guilty.

None of those things are helping either. 

This is hard advice but if me, and actually HAS been me, back off. 

Stop all your attempts to arouse him including talking about it, suggesting he see a therapist (how ego-deflating that must be for him), sexy lingerie, surprise BJs, trying to escalate things when he touches/kisses you or whatever else you're doing.  

Learn to appreciate his touches/kisses for what they are, nothing more nothing less.  Learn to enjoy and appreciate the ways he does try to connect with you other than sexually. 

This will alleviate the pressure he's no doubt feeling and in time, his sexual drive and desire may return and you can once again enjoy the active and happy sex life you once had. 

Also, he should have his testosterone levels checked.  He should do that now.  

As men get older their T levels drop and as such their sex drive declines.  There are supplements he can take to bring those levels back up. 

Just some suggestions based on my own experience being in a relationship with an older man who experienced the same thing.

Good luck. 

 

 

I appreciate your take and don't take it as criticism. I will say that when I say I've tried surprised BJ's and sexier lingerie this is maybe a couple times a month. I don't try to arouse or climb my husband daily or weekly, because I know that would do more harm than good. I also suggested he talk to someone because I felt he could have a mental block due to the pressure he's put on himself. Talking to someone who doesn't know him, I thought could help. It was not to make him feel less than. Also, I appreciate my husband's touches, they don't anger me. However, I will admit that sometimes when he does grab my butt, breast, and kiss me everytime he passes me, It can get very hard and frustrating to not want to climb him. He still makes me think DAMN, when he just walks into a room. (Sometimes that word slips out loud). Lol

He has made an appointment to see a doctor; I'm hopeful.

Thanks again!

[Avery3679]

2 hours ago, AlvinoMartins said:

I believe that seeking the guidance of professionals would be more suitable for addressing this matter rather than relying solely on this forum. Whether it's related to a novelty factor or a health concern, there's no need to worry, as modern medicine and psychological treatments have made significant advancements.

Thanks for your take. I am not seeking guidance for my husband's issues as if this forum could heal him. I came to this forum to see if I could get a different perspective in regards to my feelings. I've gained that perspective I was seeking.

Thanks again for taking the time to give your opinion. -Avery-