What do I do?

[WildNLove]

Advice Needed boyfriend (M30), Me( F29) problem or overreaction?

My boyfriend (M30) and I ( F29) had a fight over what I need more of in the relationship. We have been together for over a year and have seriously talked about marriage and our future. Lately, he hasn’t been so affectionate. If i ask for a kiss or a hug he will give it and when I say i love you he says it back but he hasnt hugged me, kissed me or cuddled me on his own and it feels like it’s becoming less and less. We both have been out of a job the last 6 months and we have had alot of stress on us because of it. Ive been patient and understanding as I know this is part of the problem. But whenever i bring it up to him about me needing more affection from him and asking him to try a little bit more we get into an argument and he makes it about me being selfish with my needs and not thinking about his. Ive been trying really hard to give him what he needs but he refuses to hear or understand what I need and sees them as non important but to me they are important and simple things to give me. It makes me feel alone in this relationship. How do I fix this or is it time to leave?

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, WildNLove said:

. We have been together for over a year and have seriously talked about marriage and our future. . We both have been out of a job the last 6 months and we have had alot of stress on us because of it.

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How are you supporting yourselves? Please focus on the practicality of your employment and finances. Once you both have jobs your stress will be improved.  

[WildNLove]

Yes we live together, with savings and unemployment benefits. We both now have jobs lined up but wont start for about a week so it should start to get better financially and im hoping things get better. This rut we are in makes me feel alone and sad. Do i just give it time, time to get us back into our groove? And be there for him in the meantime? I am being selfish… i need to be patient and be there for him. 

[WildNLove]

Yes we live together, with savings and unemployment benefits. We both now have jobs lined up but wont start for about a week so it should start to get better financially and im hoping things get better. This rut we are in makes me feel alone and sad. Do i just give it time, time to get us back into our groove? And be there for him in the meantime? I am being selfish… i need to be patient and be there for him. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, WildNLove said:

. We both now have jobs lined up but wont start for about a week so it should start to get better financially . This rut we are in makes me feel alone and sad. 

Yes. Wait until you are both working again. It's understandable you're in a rut and stressed waiting to start working again and easing the stress. However once you are both back at work it will help with the stress and boredom.

[Batya33]

8 minutes ago, WildNLove said:

Yes we live together, with savings and unemployment benefits. We both now have jobs lined up but wont start for about a week so it should start to get better financially and im hoping things get better. This rut we are in makes me feel alone and sad. Do i just give it time, time to get us back into our groove? And be there for him in the meantime? I am being selfish… i need to be patient and be there for him. 

What was the purpose in living together so soon? Do you have a specific timeline for engagement and a wedding ceremony?

I don't think it is effective to act in such a needy way and ask for hugs or physical affection unless it's a situation where you had a really bad day or you hurt yourself and you need a hug.  

You see it as simple. He sees it as annoying/intrusive/overwhelming.  For example after I clean up at night -dishes/wipe down counters and the bathroom, finish folding laundry, prep for next day - I am exhausted. I want to be hugged by my throw blanket. I want to sit in the recliner for about 15-20 minutes with a book and a snack then go to bed.

I do not want to get up at that point if my husband or son need a hug unless it's for  really important reason.  I need my space and little break to wind down before bed -I'm a poor sleeper and this ritual helps a lot. 

A few years ago when I was almost sitting in the recliner my husband wanted to ask me something and show me something on his computer.  From his perspective no biggie -and I had to tell him - I am finally about to sit down after cleaning up and making dinner.  I am very tired.  Can this please wait till tomorrow? He had no clue and thought he was making a simple request - I literally was bending over ready to finally sit and rest a bit.  He got it and never did that again. 

So - as his wife I should jump each time he decides he needs to talk to me or have me see something or hug him? Because he "needs" a hug randomly? I just don't think it works that way -we do our best and we love each other and it doesn't mean we have to show it on demand in the speciifc way the person wants. 

Consider that your boyfriend feels the same way. From his perspective.  

I also agree that you should see if getting back to work, a working routine helps matters at home.  But ratchet down the neediness behavior IMO.  Good luck with your new job!

 

[WildNLove]

39 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Do you live together? How are you supporting yourselves? Please focus on the practicality of your employment and finances. Once you both have jobs your stress will be improved.  

 

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What was the purpose in living together so soon? Do you have a specific timeline for engagement and a wedding ceremony?

I don't think it is effective to act in such a needy way and ask for hugs or physical affection unless it's a situation where you had a really bad day or you hurt yourself and you need a hug.  

You see it as simple. He sees it as annoying/intrusive/overwhelming.  For example after I clean up at night -dishes/wipe down counters and the bathroom, finish folding laundry, prep for next day - I am exhausted. I want to be hugged by my throw blanket. I want to sit in the recliner for about 15-20 minutes with a book and a snack then go to bed.

I do not want to get up at that point if my husband or son need a hug unless it's for  really important reason.  I need my space and little break to wind down before bed -I'm a poor sleeper and this ritual helps a lot. 

A few years ago when I was almost sitting in the recliner my husband wanted to ask me something and show me something on his computer.  From his perspective no biggie -and I had to tell him - I am finally about to sit down after cleaning up and making dinner.  I am very tired.  Can this please wait till tomorrow? He had no clue and thought he was making a simple request - I literally was bending over ready to finally sit and rest a bit.  He got it and never did that again. 

So - as his wife I should jump each time he decides he needs to talk to me or have me see something or hug him? Because he "needs" a hug randomly? I just don't think it works that way -we do our best and we love each other and it doesn't mean we have to show it on demand in the speciifc way the person wants. 

Consider that your boyfriend feels the same way. From his perspective.  

I also agree that you should see if getting back to work, a working routine helps matters at home.  But ratchet down the neediness behavior IMO.  Good luck with your new job!

 

Thank you, that insight and perspective helps alot. I need to be more understanding of that. Its been hard on both of us and we handle stress differently. And not getting my physical touch every time i want it doesnt mean anything to our relationship’s foundation. Thank you for your perspective, thank you! 

[WildNLove]

34 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Yes. Wait until you are both working again. It's understandable you're in a rut and stressed waiting to start working again and easing the stress. However once you are both back at work it will help with the stress and boredom.

Thank you! The reminder that i need to relax and look at the situation and factors helps. Thank you! 

[Batya33]

1 minute ago, WildNLove said:

 

Thank you, that insight and perspective helps alot. I need to be more understanding of that. Its been hard on both of us and we handle stress differently. And not getting my physical touch every time i want it doesnt mean anything to our relationship’s foundation. Thank you for your perspective, thank you! 

I don't understand this - you see his role as giving you physical touch when you want it? Where does this perspective come from for you? Is that how you see this relationship -you two give each other what the other person asks for and wants with timing/context/mood being of low priority? What if you "want physical touch" and he's asleep -what do you do then? Do you wait and if you do do you feel like you're being "patient" or that you get credit for not waking him up because you want physical touch?

Many humans handle stress differently.  It depends if the person takes out their stress on a partner -that's not handling, that is acting out.  I spoke in a not calm way at all yesterday after being really stressed by my son's bad behavior.  I apologized and I will work on staying calm.  I have lots of tools/rituals/mantras to continue to speak calmly in those situations (or to take space) and yesterday was a failure. 

It is a problem with the core of your relationship if your mindset is that your partner should physically touch you more often than he feels like and if he responds with distance when you ask for physical touch it means each time that he's not being in a good partner.  Sounds like that puts him in the dog house a wee bit too often.    

[smackie9]

I say pull back and maybe give some space for each other. If you independently go and enjoy yourself, and keep busy, it will feel much better between you two. To be desirable is to be less available. Give it a month and see if things improve. If not, the honeymoon phase is over and there's not much there to continue with. 

[Andrina]

Are there other ways he shows his love for you? Has he taken good care of you if you've been sick? Is he thoughtful, like picking up things for you at the store he knows you need? Would he come to your aid if you had a flat tire, or would he gripe and tell you to try to get it done without his help? 

Just trying to get a better idea of your relationship. Does he do his fair share of chores? Is he self centered about decisions, or does he seek your input?

It's good to think about if a man meets all of your main needs to decide if he'd be a good lifetime partner for you. Yes, give it time for you two feel better after being employed, but if you can't be happy without a partner being as equally affectionate as you, free yourself to find a man like that.