Define verbal abuse...

[cichlid]

Sometimes I think I am being verbally abused by my mother. She's never said anything positive to me...it's usually always negative. Can someone define verbal abuse for me? Maybe I'm just being and always have been overly sensitive. That's what she thinks of me. I asked her about it once...she told me it makes her feel better. 8-[

[Falucchi]

(from the University of Nebraska Cooperative Extension EC04-471)

 

Verbal abuse is persistent behavior using words and/or "mind games" to instill self-doubt in the assaulted person and to build the abuser's sense of dominance and control.

 

People who are verbally assaulted know the insults are abusive. By the tone of voice and the words used, the person feels hurt, confused and embarrassed. Theyusually try harder to explain their behavior and understand what was said or meant to be said.

 

Examples:

Countering Putting down the person's thoughts, feelings, perceptions and experiences; arguing any point or idea.

Withholding Refusing to share ideas, feelings, intimacy, thoughts and dreams

Discounting: Minimizing the person's accomplishments or experiences.

Verbal abuse disguised as jokes Telling jokes about the person that humiliate and embarrass.

Blocking and diverting Verbally creating road blocks to the person's efforts to communicate; changing the conversation to gain control.

Accusing and blaming: Blaming the other person for the abuse and excuses the abuser's (self) actions.

Judging and criticizing Putting down the person's thoughts, actions, and feelings.

Trivializing Pretending that the partner's opinions, thoughts, actions, or concerns don't count or are trivial.

Undermining Eroding the self-confidence and self-esteem of the person.

Threatening Implying harm to other's well-being.

Name calling Stripping the person's identity by using a belittling name.

Ordering: Obvious displays of dominance and control.

Denial of anger or abuse When confronted about hurtful and unacceptable behavior, the abuser denies any wrongdoing.

[cichlid]

Wow... Is it normal for a mother to call her own daughter names (little [female dog], names that imply stupidity*), making comments about me needing to loose weight...and I weigh 115lbs and I'm 5'7", threatening to do stuff if I don't do what she wants (make me start paying for college, take away my car which I paid for, pack up my things and kick me out, turn off the internet so that I have to go to school, making me start paying rent, etc). I know she doesn't like me...but she'll act differently later. Like forget she was ever a [female dog] to me. I know she wants me to move out...even though she allowed my older siblings to live at home and she paid for their college as well. My family isn't having finacial problems either! All she says is for me to keep my room clean. I do that. She has never really liked me...I'm different than the others. And then my sister and her will fight (a lot like always)...and if I walk out there during one of their pointless fights, I'm told that everything is my fault.

 

Whatever...maybe I deserve it? I mean maybe I am fat, stupid, liar, and a [female dog]?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

*I have a 3.5 GPA and I'm majoring in engineering so I don't get it?

[Falucchi]

No, it's not normal.

Your mom is sick.

Okay?

It's not your fault.. read that again:

Your mom is sick.

 

Sorry, but not all women who give birth can or should be considered "mothers." Yours is sick, mean, nasty and way out of line. You do NOT deserve this. Period.

 

Move out and away, cut contact to maybe a 5-minute weekly phone call--if that, and get on with your own life. Get some therapy to help you understand that it's not you, it's her.

Once more: Your mom is sick.

[imagi]

I think Falucchi really hit the spot there. You aren't any of the things your mother says you are. Obviously. You're 115 and 5'7? I can only dream. lol 3.5 gpa in ENGINEERING? That's insane. I have friends in engineering and they're exactatic with their 2.1's that they barely get.

 

You're mother is in the wrong to be treating you this way. She sounds like she's got a lot of issues. That's gotta be tough, especially if you need her to be helping you with school.

[lakergal]

Oh my - how words can hurt and inflict damage...

 

I'm sorry anyone has to live with a parent like that... sometimes I think we as parents do not understand how harsh our words sound when we're stressed and we take it out on our kids verbally.

 

She may not mean any of it but that does NOT belabor the fact that it's wrong and it's hurtful to you.

 

Honestly, please find a way to get out of the house, get away from the abuse, get away from the drama that is your mother. As Fal said, 5 minute conversations/week to let her know you're ok, but beyond that - nothing.

 

If you need help with financial aid for college, I guarantee your fin aid office can help... I might also suggest counseling... because the long term damage done especially by mothers, is so harmful.

 

I'm not saying father abuse is not bad, it is. But abuse by mothers goes against everything EVERY culture instills upon it's children - mothers are supposed to nature and nuture their young. Mothers who abuse are usually self-loathing and take that out on their kids.

 

So sorry to hear this.