longtime ex hit on my friend

[dunkatruck]

i dated this guy for 4 years and he was my first relationship, first everything. over 4 years, we'd broken up 3 times. 

the first because he'd cheated on me, the second over amicable differences and now, because he'd done the unspeakable and said some suggestive things to my best friend and asked her to keep it from me. because we'd had our share of issues in the past, i would have my guard up most of the relationship and didn't express love or affection for him nearly as much as i wanted to. i would've loved to let go and wear my heart on my sleeve but i think a part of me was always scared i would get hurt again. to summarise, my best friend has been single for one month and is going through a tough breakup herself. my ex was comforting her over chat and told her if he were single (and also during our breakup more than 2 years ago), he would've pursued her because she's always been the best, nicest and most welcoming to him of my friends. and he complimented her looks inappropriately. he told her to keep it between them. (he also would sometimes say negative things about her looks during our relationship which would cause fights but is complimenting her extensively to her face?) my friend pulled me aside two days later and told me. with no hesitation while he was asleep, i sent a final curt message thanking him for everything but that i had enough tolerating disrespect and wished him the best. i blocked him off every platform and his number also. i made the mistake every other time of letting him explain himself first which is why we'd get back together again. 

he got mad at my friend for telling me and insisted it was something of the past and unfriended her. he has been posting on his stories that his friends are great people because they took him out to a bar after he'd been "dumped over text" and is essentially airing it out for all his followers and mutuals (including my own family) to see. my friend also saw that he tweeted that i had no respect for him to at least dump him over call. over the weekend, i went to a music event that we planned to go together originally but i went with my best group of friends. i had fun but was anxious id run into him but my friends assured me there were too many people and they'd guard me. but half an hour before the event finished, he suddenly walks up to me and in a 5 second interaction says, i know you must hate me to my core but i hope you have a good night. i was too in shock and was frozen so i just nodded and shrugged him. i held my composure and didn't cry or anything. later on late in the night, i get a notification from a bank transfer app (forgot to block him here) that he sent me $1 and captioned it "i hope u can see this. im sorry for what happened. i hope u had a good night". my friends boyfriend showed me his latest instagram post about the music event, and his friend in the comments says she's praying "____" will message him (____ is a dj that shares the same name as me that he would always reference as a joke to me). i don't know if this is on purpose and that he'd want me to see it but it's so astounding how public he's making this. i don't understand how publicly, he's crying wolf and acting victim that he got dumped in a cold way but to me, has said he's sorry and he obviously knows what he's done wrong. my best friend has also been comforting me and been my shoulder to cry on. i appreciate her telling me and being there for me but a part of me also can't help but compare myself to her now too. i'm very crushed because i only just started warming up to the idea of us settling down and getting married because he'd call me his dream girl and that he couldn't wait to spend forever with me and had done a lot in trying to earn my trust back. i just don't understand how he could be saying this but looking at my friend the entire time. i'm struggling badly mentally. i was doing better the first few days but now that i'm settling back into regular life, it stays on my mind every minute. i woke up from a dream where i knew he wasn't right for me but i was stubborn and didn't want to let go. i wake up and reality settles in and i become broken all over again. my subconscious is so attuned to wanting him. every other time, i knew there was a possibility we'd get back together but it's very different this time because i know for my longterm happiness, it can't be this way and that i'll never get the respect i want by forgiving him. i just never knew it would end this badly. aside from our relationship, he would only hang out with his highschool guy friends at pubs and has a busy work schedule so he told me he only really has me to experience and go many places with. the selfish part of me wants to know what he's thinking, if he regrets it, if he'll think of me as often as i do and wants him to reach out somehow with a proper apology and to tell me what i want to hear but i know it's selfish and i can't always have the closure i want. in a twisted way, i just want the satisfaction of him begging for me back while i turn him away. i know everyone tells me i'll meet someone else better for me but it's hard because even after he did me wrong, i still doubt i'll find someone who could ever make me feel like he did during the good parts. i'm afraid to express these thoughts to my friends so i had to do a lengthy unload here. 

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Can you avoid him? The relationship seems unhappy and unstable. "Closure" would be  to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Is this the same man?:

 

[dunkatruck]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Can you avoid him? The relationship seems unhappy and unstable. "Closure" would be  to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

Is this the same man?:

 

yeah it is. i can avoid him and i've had him blocked and not spoken or reached out to him since it happened a week ago. i'm just struggling mentally and am trying to forgive myself for giving him so many chances. 

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, dunkatruck said:

. i'm just struggling mentally and am trying to forgive myself for giving him so many chances. 

On/off relationships are fraught with unresolved incompatibilities and conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities.

The key is to break the cycle and move forward. Perhaps a few sessions with a qualified therapist could help you unpack and sort out how you got stuck in this cycle. You don't need to "forgive yourself", you need to find out how to free yourself from all this.

[Kwothe28]

5 hours ago, dunkatruck said:

i know everyone tells me i'll meet someone else better for me but it's hard because even after he did me wrong, i still doubt i'll find someone who could ever make me feel like he did during the good parts.

Perhaps. But you will no doubt find somebody who wont cheat on you or try to sleep with your best friend. Because that is a very low bar when it comes to a relationship. 

Your ex has a way with words. With your friend, you etc. I wouldnt look at his words as anything else then a very complicated "word salad". That guy is not truthful nore he will ever be. If he tries something like the stunt he tried at the concert, always remember that. And dont let him near you.

[Batya33]

Also I think you've done enough beating yourself up -the more you do that the more you're actually thinking about him/keeping him in your head space. What can you do today that has nothing to do with him at all and shows that you care about yourself or someone else? Can you go for a really fast walk outside for at least 10 minutes -while listening to favorite music or a podcast? Can you make yourself some comfort food that's also reasonably healthy?

Going forward I'd find volunteer work to do that means  you are interacting with other adults and contributing your skills/talents to get out of your own head.