how can i be happy?

[lostlonely75]

My husband of 10 years left me 9 months ago for a very close friend of mine. I thought we had a great marriage - no sign of problems or anything . Just out of the blue one night he went out and never came home. found out on my own he was staying with her, all the while she was trying to be my shoulder to cry on, pretendig to be my friend.

 

well now the divorce is final -- im trying to move on. met this really great guy, and i thought we had something good going for us. But the past few months or so i find that i can't let myself be happy. Im finding something wrong with everything. He goes out of his way to do something to make me smile and i end up finding something wrong with it. Im not usually like this. I wake up each morning and tell myself today is going to be different-- im gonna put a smile on my face and have a good day -- and sure enough something happens and im in tears -- over something stupid! I don't understand why i am acting this way.... Im being a total *beep* and i don't know why -- i look into his eyes and see love there, my heart beats faster when his arms are around me.... i don't know why i keep wanting to cry. He has been wonderful dealing with me, trying to be there as a friend, but i can tell he's getting to the end of his rope dealing with my mood swings....

 

the only thing i can figure is somewhere inside of me i am afraid to be happy, afraid of being hurt again, afraid of moving on....

 

the only other thing i can blame is after 10 years i have started taking birth control pills again, can it be a side effect of the hormones?

 

any advice or thoughts would be great....

[Dragonfly81]

It sounds to me that you are doing these things in your new relationship because you are afraid of being hurt again. You are protecting yourself by not letting him get too close. Or you may be testing him, to see how much he will put up with in order for you to trust him.

 

Having a 10 year marriage end the way it did must have been pure torture and 9 months is still a very short amount of time in terms of healing. Have you talked to anyone, a counselor perhaps, to help you work through the pain?

 

I think the fact that you recognize that you are mis-treating your new man is a good thing, at least you are aware and thats really important. Have you talked to him about any of this?

 

Hang in there!

[lostlonely75]

we try to talk about it and he tells me im better off without my ex, and need to move on. holds me and tries to be understanding. and i let him know that i am just scared. i know hes trying his best to be supportive, but i guess im needing more. I want answers that he cant give me. I see the love in his eyes when he looks at me, being close to him makes my heart beat faster, i can tell he really cares about me. and i do him, but i really think i am just afraid to trust, afraid to give in to my emotions... iam scared to death of being hurt like that again....

 

I am also having a hard time adjusting to being with someone else. I had married my high school sweetheart, we grew up together, did everything together, were best friends. He was all i ever knew....

 

i haven't talked to a professional yet, can't afford it, and haven't looked in to any free services. I've always been a strong person and delt with things on my own. having a hard time admitting that i mite need assistance on this one.

[UGH1607307217]

Hi Lost,

 

Im sorry youre going through this, yes nine months isnt all that long after ten years.

 

I will also ask the question...does he know why you are acting this way and that its not him? If so, is he understanding and willing to help you get through this?

 

Hang in there and communicate with him, I wish you luck in getting through this and keep us posted.

 

Have a great day!

[ecg1228]

I think the best thing to do right now is to get counseling just to sort everything out. Talk to friends, family if possible. Like Dragonfly said, 9 months is not a lot of time to heal from the breakup of a 10-year marriage...I'm sure that your whole world was in pieces and now you will have to start putting them back together again. You can't do it without help though.

 

I do think that because of the shock of how it ended, you are probably in a constant defense mode - protecting yourself from getting hurt again since it is hard to trust what even seems like a good relationship (ie, with your new guy). But take it from experience, that wall you put up does nothing but prevent you from ever being truly happy when you should be enjoying yourself. Talk to your guy about it and then seek help from whatever source you can so that you can feel WHOLE gain. Good luck.

[annie24]

Hey - I'm so sorry to hear about this. First off, yes, birth control pills can affect your mood. One possibility is to find a birth control pill that is better suited for your body.

 

Next, have you read any self-help books for dealing with divorce? I think John Gray (of Venus and Mars) has one on "starting over." I would look at the library or bookstore, and read some books about healing.

 

Also, look into free help. Perhaps your health insurance covers some therapy sessions?

 

Good luck!

[ecg1228]

Oops, sorry - I just saw what you said on getting counseling. Do you have EAP (which is free for the first few sessions under some Health Insurance)? All in all one of the best things that helped me with a major breakup was talking, talking, talking to my friends and family. It's good to hear insight on how others have dealt with it as well.

[lostlonely75]

thanx so much for everyone's advice. Yeah my new man is very supportive with this, he says he understands and wants to be there for me. I do feel awkward talking to him about my feelings for my ex though, but he's very understanding so im am slowly getting past the awkwardness of that aspect. i know he gets aggrevated with me though -- and i can't blame him.

 

i lost my health isnurance with the divorce, im a registered nurse and don't have health insurance with my job -- ironic isn't it!- so wont get counseling coverage there -- but im sure if i look into a womans resource center or something i can find it -- just gotta bring myself to really do it....

 

you're right about picking up the pieces...my ex and i had been together for so long all our friends were mutual friends, except for his new wife, she was a friend of mine from work, -- and for some reason most of them are still friends with him -- and it just doesn't feel right talking to their wives crying about this -- cuz i know things will get back to my ex. so i am left without friends -- completely starting over.

 

initially i had the I can do this and Im gonna make something good out of it.... but having a harder time with that attitude now. I guess cuz my ex is now married, and they are doing the fertility thing to get pregnant. He is a cancer survivor, and can't have kids naturally d/t chemo. which is something i had wanted to do so badly with him, but the time was never right. i really think it was that piece of information that started this downward spiral for me....

 

again my new man knows all this, we have talked about it but im still having a hard time letting myself be happy..... i just want my old life back!!!

[Dragonfly81]

I understand the whole wanting to heal by yourself without counseling thing (I've avoided it myself). I would definitely recommend the John Gray Mars and Venus Starting Over book. I bought it myself and it has been very helpful. I knew that it was working when 8 pages into the book I was bawling (I hadn't cried for at least a month). It talks about how to face all the healing emotions of grieving and not get stuck in one or two, because this makes it so that you are not open to finding love again.

 

There is also a section about challenges that women face when starting over, ways that they try to protect themself from getting hurt again.

 

As with any self-help book, take everything with a grain of salt, take what is going to be useful to you and apply it.

 

Hope you are feeling better.

[hunterboyhun]

hey lost,

10 years is tough. I'm glad you've met a new guy but i hear you on the difficulties and just wanting your old life back.

 

There's not much i can add that will make you feel better sadly but i guess (maybe for my own sake) i just wanted to reach out. I'm 31 and my ex-gf (a pisces like you) and i have been broken up on and off for the past year.

 

With all due apologies to the folks out there that dont want to hear about starsigns and stuff, i want to tell you L+L75 that you pisces gals are very very loveable and strong and independent in your own way. Just stay alive anyway you can, keep staying alive and let time do the rest. It's the only way and in 10 more years ( i know sounds a lifetime away huh) but in 10 more years you will be in a different place and you be able to look back on this time in a happy and tender way. You must stay alive until then. That's all you have to do.

 

Oh and you also must stay honest with your current guy and keep him up to date with how you are feeling. Don't let that dialogue collapse or else there will be misunderstandings and he may get hurt and you might end up regretting how you behaved if things ever fell apart. I guess what i'm saying is keep talking, keep honest, be with your new guy in a way that even if it did finish, you would still be proud of.

 

It's so hard, life is so hard, and strange. Sadness makes us cherish the important things though and in times like this we soon learn about ourselves, we learn what it is that we truly cherish.

 

love and care to you, stranger

[lostlonely75]

thank you for the kind words -- you have the pisces down exactly! what you've said has really rung true. thank you for reaching out.

 

I need to be honest with myself and everyone around me and use this change in my life to learn about myself. I am trying my hardest... but it sure is hard....

 

thanx again for sharing your thoughts....