Hanging up

[Ocba]

I'm 31 now.

I spent 10 years in spcial ed. I was on medication from 6y-25y.

In middle school and high school I failed my classes consistently and was unable to learn. I would read paragraphs over and over and repeat the contents many times over, and eventually I gave up entirely and dropped out.

Naturally, when a psychiatrist places you on lithiun, zyprexa, and clonidine and keeps you on them for years, it doesn't matter how much amphetamines they put in your mouth, you're not going to be able to learn.

I spent two years off medication 17-19, isolated in a room, and playing video games 18 hours a day. I was on social security and lost it by telling them I didn't need it, and then I had an attorney reopen the case and we won.

I then spent the next 6 years (isolated) in my apartment doing research on pharmaceuticals while experimenting with dozens of drug combinations to 'fix myself.'

Needless to say, hell cast a shadow on me from an early age and followed me all the way here.

My family is small, there was 5 of us alltogether. The father of my siblings and I was an alcoholic who bailed when I was 4y after robbing my mother and putting her on the street. Then she worked two jobs for the next 15 years at the poverty line, and now she's retired from working and ill.

I've been thinking about suicide so much lately.

Every time I look at the past there's this horrible darkness.

 

My confidence was destroyed by teachers, therapists, and doctors.

My hopes were destroyed by seeing my own family in constant peril.

 

Man, how strong do I need to be?

 

[Wiseman2]

16 minutes ago, Ocba said:

I've been thinking about suicide so much lately.

Sorry this is happening. Reach out for help:

https://www.mentalhealth.gov/get-help/immediate-help

[1a1a]

Have you read any Eckhart Tolle? Like you by the time he reached adulthood he was carrying a lot of grief. He might be able to help you find a way through it. I read A New Earth and watched his YouTube channel and found it very helpful. 
 

co signing giving mental health care another go too, psychologist, not psychiatrist. (Psychologists can’t prescribe medication)

[moodindigo91]

36 minutes ago, Ocba said:

I've been thinking about suicide so much lately.

Every time I look at the past there's this horrible darkness.

I'm very sorry to hear you're feeling this way. 

I think at the very least, you may try calling the suicide hotline until you can line up some therapy. 

You should also try your very best to let go of your past. Your past doesn't define you. In fact, your past is already gone. All you have is your present. It honestly sounds to me like you actually have a strong will to live, as you've gone through everything you detailed in your post, and tried many things to "fix yourself." 

What you need to focus on is realizing you don't need to be fixed. You need to accept yourself and figure out how you can live a fulfilling life being yourself. This is of course not an easy task, and it really takes a lifetime to fully accomplish.

Try living in the present as much as possible, because that's all you have. Spending more time dwelling on the past is only going to slow you down and make you feel much worse. It's important to realize that all human beings, no matter how "together" their lives may seem, struggle with this kind of thing in some way at some point. You're not alone. We're here with you. 

Feel free to private message me if you ever feel really bad and just need someone to talk to. 

[Ocba]

I haven't read his books and it's the first time I've heard his name. I'll take a look.

Honestly, I'm disillusioned. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that if I met god, I'd ask him to show me the way to the cauldron. If mormons didn't smudge his narrative of righteousness in my presence then I might have a religious narrative to run along with, but none of them ever helped my mother who faithfully paid her tiths, and not one of them looked at us four bastards as sons in need of teaching.

I feel like life has given me exceedingly great lessons with tremendous value at an even greater expense.

I know that we all go through hardship, but man, this exchange has left me spiritually destitute.

Medicine, school, church, and government...

Medical establishments.. their cumulative contributions are much greater than the damages caused by failures in their experimental therapeuric and psychiatric practices. Their failures produce credible referential material that can lead to breakthroughs, so somebody has to fall on the nail.. and it's still incredibly profitable to the industry, so there's there's zero consequence to the industry for the people harmed or killed in the process.

School system.. although the teaching material today is elementary at best, most humans develope a sound social capacity through an integrative social paradigm.. arguably the most useful skill acquirable in school. School contributions are significant and central to the health of society, so it doesn't really matter that the board placed me in a thoroughly isolated and highly reduced social environment for 10 years while giving me drugs that manipulate the autonomy of my brain just to add more punishments for failures. Didn't matter that my cognition was so impaired by the pharmaceuticals that I couldn't make any developemental progress in those years. I don't even remember the name of a single teacher in school.

Church of Jesus.. can't really think of a good reason to forgive them for selling my family a bag of lies while my mother struggled daily and everone else did whatever the *** they wanted to do with us. 3 out of 4 kids giving multiple establishments huge payouts on the monthly but not a single layman or minister showed up to teach us how to govern our own damn selves. What the *** did I need jesus for when they were right there collecting money as well.

I do not feel alone or lonely. I am alone, this is fact. Else, who would watch me fall so low? I would never let someone in my network (although I don't have one) sit alone with what I'm sitting through. I would light your world up till you're a light set on a hill. I would teach you how to see through the ruse and cut down the false pretense, and I would give you a pen and show you how to write the narrative of your story going forward.

I would not be unloading my cry on an online forumboard if I were not alone, and now I am here making an effort to not be alone at this time. I wish somebody was there, but nobody ever came to show my family "the way."

I am not fairing well with my overwhelmingly negative life experience. I am not even interested in living how people live today. I do not have any place where I am valued as an authetic human being, I have no tribe, I have no desire for a home anymore, or steady job, and I do not find any fulfillment through drugs, entertainment, or money. I hardly know life at all, but I know problems very well.

I have one burning desire, and that's to show the young how to be built up in themselves properly so that they can help themselves grow in their own most authentic and capable self.. in countries where they will take it to heart and not spit on it. Americans love spitting on eachother, what good is it to give them my heart when they ripped my soul in pieces? Will their garbage be placed on a shelf after they threw it away?

If I cannot build a life that provides real value to those who need it, then I am utterly exhausted to breath.

[catfeeder]

51 minutes ago, Ocba said:

I have one burning desire, and that's to show the young how to be built up in themselves properly so that they can help themselves grow in their own most authentic and capable self..

You're resilient, you're intelligent, and you're an extremely good writer. Have you considered writing for the people you wish to help?

My heart goes out to you and your family. While I know that nobody can offer another a reason to keep living, maybe you can consider the statement you've written here about how to build up your self to grow into YOUR most authentic and capable Self. If you can tap into that and write about it, you can become a model for those who need it.

That sounds valuable to me.

[Mammalyssa]

Hey there, I hardly know where to start in reply to this topic but I totally get you. I'm a nurse who no longer works in nursing after 12 years of it - I totally understand your mistrust of the health system, especially in regard to the approach toward mental health. 

I will say though.. the fact that you're reaching out to strangers and posting on here is a good thing, there is something in you that still wants to live. 

The medicated world creates such a huge spiralling issue.. medications for everything these days that create altered conscious state, changes in behaviour and drug dependence. All of which just adds another problem onto an unresolved problem. And to just stop taking them? Holy moley it's hard to do!!!  

I can really only speak from experience when I say that when in a very dark place myself.. I couldn't get myself back out of there alone. I moved back in with my (highly religious) parents but it was either that or never come back. I had a 1 yr old at the time and a husband. But that's what had to happen. It took 3 years of living there before I was okay to move out, and that was 12 years ago now. Never had to do it again. 

Each time I've dipped my toe back into that dark place the only way I've gotten out of there is to give my life a purpose. I usually bite off something huge so that I can focus and really shift myself. My first goal was to get myself a career. I studied my arse off. Later in life I trekked kokoda and then Everest base camp.  Each time these things gave me renewed purpose and goals. To achieve the treks I had to get fit so I started crossfit. For someone who was never social and found that environment to be horrible... it was hard but I forced myself. And that's what worked for me.  

You only know you the best. But if you keep on the same bicycle you will travel the same road. Try something way out there and make yourself keep going would be my advice. 

Someone somewhere loves you so much.. and would be devistated to lose you. Whoever that is.. reconnect with them also. 

Love and light from me to you xx

[Mammalyssa]

By the way.... if you have the choice to either end your life  or try something totally new to change the direction of your life... you really have nothing to lose. 

Go all out and see what happens. I would suggest to you the the art world has many colourful, thoughtful, naturalist people that have many varied experiences, and are accepting of people from all walks of life. 

Sometimes I challenge myself to say yes to every single opportunity and every single invite to anything at all. It starts by you making an effort to be somewhere. Opportunities create more opportunities.. and the power of saying yes to the universe manifests some great things. 

[Ocba]

Thanks for the input everyone.

I'm tired of losing. I'm tired of paying the price for *** out of my control. I feel screwed. It doesn't help that I've been using drugs daily at low doses for the last couple months..

I exited a relationship after I realized that I was buying love and being codependant.. and she put pressure on me as though I owed her instead of appreciating my kindness towards her. I wanted somebody to love me back, someone I could look forward to seeing.. then I realized that living for someone else's love is the lowest place. 

I see everyone at work go home to their friends and families. I work with hundreds of clients who are wealthy and live on clouds, their lives have been streamlined, and there they are providing significant value to consumers and businesses and going home to people that love them dearly.

I've been at the *** all this point for a while. Nothing in life is good without family and friends to celebrate with, nothing. But can I even handle family and friends now?

I feel responsible for all the ***ed up *** that happened to me, and these were people in multiple positions of authority who, through their power, placed me in a position of dependance and abasement for many years.

I swear to god.. god cursed adam after eve was innocently decieved by a goddamn serpent whose craft is deception, and who is more gullible than the innocent? There was no sin, and yet this story is sold and told as the truth.

I was taught to give all my power away by religious people and to believe that I had none, and I am weary; the foundation I was given was poison, the people that dealt with me were poison.

Deception, manipulation, exploitation, abuse.. this is such a common societal them today and it's legal practice.

Man, the hurt is great. If these people would have just treated me like a human, as a friend, as family, I could give them credit and say I was in the wrong and this consequnce is due, and it breaks my ***ing heart that I can't and the only thing I can credit them with is treachery.

I hate them for giving me a reason to.

 

[Ocba]

I am in truth a very loving, kind and gentle person, and the fierce animosity that you can see in my posts is infact in conflict with my internal standards. It is a part of me that is kept in strict control, and lately I've been feeling out of control and trapped.

I do not understand why I have to bury all of this so deep and when it starts to surface I get no rest.

[Ocba]

I understand that I am fully accountable for my life, and I accept that. But with the bitterness of how I was treated in all those years and the lack of a father, with my history itself being so god awful and me at the center of it, I am filled with regret.

How do I reconcile with my nightmare? My integrity, my relationships, my trust, my independance, and so much more, all of these things hing on a scale that sits in my past weighing me to consequences coming from school, psychiatry, and religion.

I have to understand discipline and social dynamics to account for school; easy, done.

I have to understand medicine and psychology to account for medication regimens; easy, done.

I have to understand righteousness to account for behavioral impropriety; easy, done.

I have to understand family dynamics and economics to account for limiting factors and their implications; easy, done..

It's such a simple equation that it boils my blood to say that not a single person in my life ever said 'look, you don't have a father and your family lives below the povery threshold, the problems you WILL have to deal with are (X) and (X).'

Instead, dozens, and I mean dozens, of qualified professionals had me in multiple psychotherapeutic settings where the focus was on surface level behavioral disturbances and even though they gave me lots of drugs, none of them were decent enough as human beings to take even a peak below the surface? Could none of them with their intelligence not make the correlation between a lack of resources, a lack of a father, my mother who was always working, a huge disparity in my computational skills and my verbal skills (99th percentile and 2nd percentile), and of course, the antipsychotics and mood stabilizers they were giving me despite having had me on amphetamines from the age of 6? Are they ***ing idiots?

I feel like I was ***ed around by walking twigs with papers that had scribbles and nonsensical doodles on them for degrees,

How am I supposed to accept this? How do I accept that the bottomline is so low that ignorants like those involved in my life are able to play such a dangerous game with developing humans?

At the same time, how do I guage how much is me? It is already humiliating, but it would be much, much worse to accept that i was not responsible and to give them credibility. It would mean validating them to some degree, and with the nightmare they so casually put me through and the shame of inability that came along with it, and the powerlessness that was communicated to the core of my consciousness, how am I to live?

While I have an obvious bias, their oversights in my life are evidentally very clear and can be found even in the off-label drug uses that psychiatrists were applying to their protocols while 'treating' me, surely they knew better than the fda approved uses of the drugs to the letter. If I saw the psychiatrist that gave me zyprexa, lithium, and clondine as a treatment regimen, I would definitely hurt him. He stole years of memories from me and robbed me of the ability to learn for years.

I do not want a free pass. I would rather die. I also do not want to be treated like societies' garbage again. If me having a disadvantaged birth (I was dead) meant that I would have developmental delays and problems with various cognitive functions, then their collective response was wholly inadequate and detrimental.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Ocba said:

. It doesn't help that I've been using drugs daily at low doses for the last couple months..

That's part of it. Bipolar is notoriously hard to treat. 

[Ocba]

42 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's part of it. Bipolar is notoriously hard to treat. 

I guess so. I've gone 30 years without abusing drugs. I started after my last relationship ended. It's not even fun, just another dead end.

I've been unhinged for months since then. All of my old scars started bleeding. I'm in a depressive state, and I went through that for years. Started as depression, then major depression, then bipolar 1. Antidepressants gave me psychosis 3 times, antipsychotics gave me psychosis with a sense of extreme dread--a doctor thought I was schizophrenic at the hospital when he couldn't find drugs in my system, so he administered antipsychotics, lol? It took a little over a year to recover from that psychosis. In school however, mood stabilizers and antipsychotics were used off-label to keep my behavior in check, and clonidine was used to reduce the tourettes caused by the drugs. Not once did I have psychotic symptoms, not untill antidepressants were used, that is. 

I picked up a few bags of coke to get by while I work out the problems, else I'd probably go deep. I won't go back to that hell. But honestly, it's not even working, and I'm just getting addicted. Absolutely worthless solution.

I think i'll go buy some tony robbins and do that, cause I've had it with all this. It's that or I take the plunge. I've never been so content with the thought in my life, so I'm probably not okay and tony might be the right drug.

[Wiseman2]

40 minutes ago, Ocba said:

 abusing drugs. I started after my last relationship ended. It's not even fun, just another dead end.

I've been unhinged for months since then. 

Sorry this is happening. It seems like a lot of trail and error with trying to get the bipolar under control. Mood stabilizers and antipsychotics were/are the standard of care.  Keep in mind, psychotic episodes are common in mania.

Medications are more targeted now. There are also drugs for the tardive dyskinesia (not tourettes), that is an unfortunate side effect. But newer drugs prescribed by competent psychiatrists could help stabilize you with less side effects.

Clearly street drugs are going to rapidly decompensate you, but bipolar has a huge incidence of substance abuse, self medicating and noncompliance. 

See what you can do to get good psychiatric care. Something that makes you feel more stable with less side effects. Follow up tightly to discuss the therapeutic effects as well as side effects. Maybe one day you'll be able to fine tune things so you don't have this much dysphoria.

A detox/rehab might be the first place to start. You'll get psychiatric care there. Going on coke binges and diatribes and suicidal thoughts sounds like inpatient may be the best option.

[Ocba]

Mate,

 

they had no right with me when I was young,

I trusted them when I was in my 20s,

I went through trial and error so to speak way too many times to risk their drugs causing more trauma.

Psychiatric care should be administered to the seriously ill and scarcely during the developmental stages of life.

Anybody can walk into their local drug dealer and get the whole rx of illicit and non-illicit drugs with ease.

I have a trigger man, there is a source. I'm not bipolar, I don't cycle through mania. Antidepressants cause mania, mania causes psychosis, and naturally psychosis leads to godhood. Antipsychotics cause extrapyramidal symptoms including mania and psychosis.

I have never had mania or psychosis off of their drugs, friend. It is unreasonable to suggest treatment for a disorder a person doesn't have, but it is reasonable to suggest that many of these drugs quite literally cause mental illness in otherwise healthy subjects who've convinced themselves thanks to brilliant rainy day marketing to treat conditions that don't exist in them, yet.

I'm tired of it bro.

I don't expect you to understand, so I'm not gonna push it, but let me know when you can relate.

[Wiseman2]

30 minutes ago, Ocba said:

I don't expect you to understand, so I'm not gonna push it, 

Good luck with whatever you decide to do. Tried to explain but you have your own thoughts on the matter.

[Ocba]

I can make these promises to all of you:

I will not commit suicide.

I will stop using the drugs.

 

I'm letting it go. I'm going to join some outdoor clubs and start there, I refuse to allow another day to be consumed in the shadow of regret.

I'm also going to start writing. I will not pass on my frustrations, but I will focus on the structure of needs of others, as it is clear to me that too many parents today are as gullible as eve, allowing their loved ones to pass through dark alleys before checking to see if those needs are being met. Additionally, there are too many fatherless and motherless children that lose incredibly precious lessons as a result of not having the parent(s), and it will be rewarding to contribute to their success moving forward.

Regards.

Ocba

[Mammalyssa]

Your pain is really palpable, yes, you have been let down. You've had people make decisions for you, you lost control of being your own decision maker. 

When you look at what others have, you can choose to have that at some point in your life. Life is literally what we make it to be, but that doesn't always happen until we realise we can control it. 

I understand the religious side, I had that too. I put a paedophile in jail too. I know that pain well. But I didn't want that to define my life.  Acknowledging the pain is the only way to heal from it, and you're doing that. 

There is joy in life when you choose to look for it. Spending time in nature does it does it for me.