My first love tried to kill himself, and now it’s killing me.

[AlessiaB]

I apologize that this may be lengthy, but my my heart is broken and I really need somewhere to get this off my chest. I haven’t spoken or seen him in years, up until recently, so I’m at a loss of where to go from here. 

I was 13 when I had my first boyfriend, who I’ll refer to as C in this post.  Everything about our relationship initially was everything you could imagine a first childhood love could be.  He was the sweetest and had this charm about him that made me weak in the knees.  We lost our virginity to each other on my 14th birthday, in hindsight it was very young but I truly loved him a lot so I don’t regret it at all to this day and I’m glad my first time ever was with him.  However this was where our relationship started to go downhill because I had a pregnancy scare, and my parents caught me buying a pregnancy test.  It turned out to be negative but the damage was done already.  Both of our families are very strict, his parents made him break up with me.  My relationship with my parents was never really the same and they eventually separated as well due to unrelated reasons. They did forgive me and I can say now that it is much better than it was years ago. 

C and I dated secretly off and on for the next two years, but it was rocky throughout the entire relationship.  His dad was abusive and a cheater, which drove his mom to have an affair. So C basically had to watch his parents go through a long divorce and nasty custody battle of him and his two younger siblings.  He has an older brother that’s now living on his own because of all his family trauma.  C started drinking and doing all sorts of drugs, hanging with the wrong crowd even. I first found out about this when I went with my older cousins to a club to pick up our other cousin and saw him sitting drunk and alone. We were 15 at the time.  I learned that he’d acquired a fake, in my gut, I knew that was the beginning of the end of us.  He was admitted to the psych ward after having multiple mental breakdowns when we were 17.  I so badly wanted to get better so I stuck by him. 

But then once he was released it didn’t take him long before he relapsed.  We started fighting and he continued to drink and get high.  We finally broke up for good when I graduated high school while he dropped out.  I cut off communication with him as much as it broke my heart because I knew we weren’t good for each other anymore. Over the next few years, I would hear from old friends how he still thought of me, would spend the rest of his life trying to get back to me and be better.  I took these words with a grain of salt but never responded.

Now FF to this month.  I’m 21 and a junior in college.  I get a call from my mom to tell me that C tried to commit suicide by taking pills.  I went home literally the day after and went to see him in the hospital where we had a long conversation.  He told me he bought pills from his dealer who slipped some vitamin C in them.  Doctor said if they’d all been real, he would’ve probably died.  He told me that aside from his older brother, no one else except me had come to visit him. He’s been estranged from his younger siblings for the past few years.  C also apologized for ruining our relationship and said that he’d love me for the rest of his life.

This happened a few days ago and I’m home just trying to process. All the memories are flooding back and I can’t focus on anything. I’ve dated a few guys since him but I’ve never been able to hold a steady relationship. All this time, I thought I managed to move on for the most part but the truth he is, he messed me up so bad and I don’t think I ever really got over it.  The fact that I almost lost him kills me, but I know I can’t ever go back to him. Could I? I can’t save him no matter how much I want to.  He’s always been the type of person to take what people say seriously.  His family truly broke him, I had first hand experience dealing with his parents and I will never understand how selfish they always were.   I hate that life has been so hard for him but I’m also scared that as long as he’s around, I’ll never truly be able to get over him.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, AlessiaB said:

  I’m 21 and a junior in college.  I get a call from my mom to tell me that C tried to commit suicide by taking pills.

Sorry this happened. Why is your mother in touch with him?

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps and ask your people to do the same.

It's sad he's Involved with drugs but he needs detox/ rehab and psychiatric care, which he is getting.

There was no need to disrupt your education to "rush home" for this as it's not your responsibility and unfortunately there's nothing you can do.

It would be best to focus on your own mental health and studies and life. Seek out counseling perhaps at school or privately through your physician and health insurance.

Examine why you've put your life on hold almost a decade now and why you feel responsible for his mental health and addiction issues.

Get support from Nar-Anon. It's for individuals involved with drug addicts who have difficulty dealing with that:

https://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon

[catfeeder]

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand what it's like to love someone even while knowing that remaining with them will ruin your life.

There is no such thing as a peripheral involvement with such a person--you're either out or vacuumed all the way in. And being in isn't helpful to them, it only harms you.

You cannot offer a suicidal person something to live for. You're basically beside the point, which may be pleasant for them for a while, but it won't prevent self harm, and it won't prevent them from taking you down with them, either figuratively or literally.

I get it. I know it hurts. Some people are best loved from far away. 

[AlessiaB]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Why is your mother in touch with him?

You need to delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps and ask your people to do the same.

It's sad he's Involved with drugs but he needs detox/ rehab and psychiatric care, which he is getting.

There was no need to disrupt your education to "rush home" for this as it's not your responsibility and unfortunately there's nothing you can do.

It would be best to focus on your own mental health and studies and life. Seek out counseling perhaps at school or privately through your physician and health insurance.

Examine why you've put your life on hold almost a decade now and why you feel responsible for his mental health and addiction issues.

Get support from Nar-Anon. It's for individuals involved with drug addicts who have difficulty dealing with that:

https://www.nar-anon.org/what-is-nar-anon

I know it isn’t my responsibility but I was in love with him for years.  It wasn’t really something I even thought twice about.  Thank you for your kind advice, I’ll check out that link soon.

[AlessiaB]

12 minutes ago, catfeeder said:

I'm so sorry you're going through this. I understand what it's like to love someone even while knowing that remaining with them will ruin your life.

There is no such thing as a peripheral involvement with such a person--you're either out or vacuumed all the way in. And being in isn't helpful to them, it only harms you.

You cannot offer a suicidal person something to live for. You're basically beside the point, which may be pleasant for them for a while, but it won't prevent self harm, and it won't prevent them from taking you down with them, either figuratively or literally.

I get it. I know it hurts. Some people are best loved from far away. 

I want to let this go, but it’s so difficult. What I had with him and where I’m at now seem so far apart even though it was only a matter of years.  I’m actually doing very well  in school, I’m running two orgs and am in a sorority where I’ve made amazing girl friends.  However none of my college friends know about this part of my past, which I intended because honestly it’s too painful so I decided not to talk about and haven’t in years.  I cried in my mom’s arms tonight because all the memories I had with him kept flooding back.  Sure our relationship was hard but we had so many beautiful moments together.  I remember when he threw me a 16th birthday party and baked my favorite cake and then sang me a song he wrote himself.  He truly was the sweetest. I never really got closure with him, so maybe that’s why I’m finding this so difficult. The fact that he tried to kill himself has me really shaken up.  I always feared this would happen one day. 

[Mammalyssa]

Wow thats so heavy.. it sounds like you had a really deep connection, but this is not the right time to be restarting a relationship. 

I supported my brother with alcohol and drug addiction by allowing him to live with me and my ex-husband/ children for two years. I can tell you first hand that you can love someone from afar and they can love you, but you are so powerless to help them. All the love in the world and they still have to fix those problems themselves. It's a roller-coaster of some windows of sobriety, failure, false promises and then the occasion where they look to blame you for their own mess. And of course lies, manipulation and for some people, stealing. The short version for my brother is that even though I put my life on hold for him for 2 years, he ended up in jail still. After 18 months clean he got out and restarted the cycle all over again.  I felt it was my responsibility because he couldn't rely on our parents. In hindsight it wasn't my problem to bear at all. 

I'd love to be able to reassure you to say you can help him and he'll get better. But those are the lies we tell ourselves because we live in the hope of a beautiful future that never arrives. The reality he is in NOW. That's what you'd be living. 

Don't do it... it will undo everything good in your life.  

[Andrina]

First loves can be powerful, since teen's emotions run on overdrive. Everything is felt to the max.

And you're only 21, so the fact you haven't had any longterm relationships yet is quite normal. Most people have to have many dating experiences to learn what they want and don't want in a partner. The adult brain finally matures in the pre-frontal cortex, the decision-making skills area, at age 25. You're still growing into the adult you will be evolving into, so don't put pressure on yourself to find Mr. Right at this stage in your life.

As for him, it's advised that people don't do anything major like entering new relationships until they've been sober at least a year. They have to decide to save themselves, and do so without stressors like being in a relationship, taking on a new pet or house, etc. Even as those things can bring some joy, they always also bring stress with them.

You really do need to go no contact for closure. Otherwise, you won't be able to bond with anyone new. Mentally healthy men can also have sweet traits without any dealbreakers. One day you will find that sort of man when you're ready.

For now, I'd tell your mom and friends you no longer wish to hear news of him for your own good. He is your past, and bringing his presence into your present is doing more harm to you than good.

Take care.

[smackie9]

Hopefully now that he knows he was close to death/hit rock bottom, he will get/ask for the help he needs. I don't think there's anything wrong with keeping in touch, but you have to be firm with him and say it is up to him to save his own life. He needs to find purpose within himself and to seek out sobriety.

[catfeeder]

11 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

I know it isn’t my responsibility but I was in love with him for years.

There are layers to the term 'responsibility' in this regard. Some people view it as a role in another's life, such as caretaking. But the caretaker is often unaware that they can NOT assume the responsibility of HEALING another. 

They might rationalize this away by saying, "Well, I can try..." This is how people throw away their own lives in an attempt to perform the impossible. So two lives are destroyed.

Just as you owned zero power to heal this person back when you were lovers, you also own zero power to heal him today.

That's the thing to grapple with, and that's the thing to grasp. 

Simple and easy are not the same things. 

Taking up with an Alanon or Naranon sponsor might help you navigate this difficult time. In addition, your school offers mental health counseling covered by your tuition. You've already paid for the services, it would be smart to use them.

Head high, you can do this.

[AlessiaB]

On 11/12/2022 at 1:27 PM, catfeeder said:

There are layers to the term 'responsibility' in this regard. Some people view it as a role in another's life, such as caretaking. But the caretaker is often unaware that they can NOT assume the responsibility of HEALING another. 

They might rationalize this away by saying, "Well, I can try..." This is how people throw away their own lives in an attempt to perform the impossible. So two lives are destroyed.

Just as you owned zero power to heal this person back when you were lovers, you also own zero power to heal him today.

That's the thing to grapple with, and that's the thing to grasp. 

Simple and easy are not the same things. 

Taking up with an Alanon or Naranon sponsor might help you navigate this difficult time. In addition, your school offers mental health counseling covered by your tuition. You've already paid for the services, it would be smart to use them.

Head high, you can do this.

Thanks so much. I thought about what you said - loving someone from far away.  That’s what I’ve been doing these past few years when I was barely in contact with him.  He doesn’t know me anymore, and I don’t know him so after taking time to think about it, I realize getting back together is just something that shouldn’t be prioritized at all.  Him healing is what’s important.  I want to visit him again before I go back to school and my mom seems to be okay with it.   When I was 16, I ran away from home and he found me and brought me back..thats why she was still in contact with him over the years.  I guess it made her see him in a different light.  I loved him even more for that, if he hadn’t convinced me to come home who knows where I could’ve ended up.  From your point of view do you think it would be alright to just visit him, as a friend? Maybe talk to him, let him know I’m here for him?  He really saved me once and thinking about it makes me feel guilty that I gave up on him, even though I know it was best for me at the time.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, AlessiaB said:

 do you think it would be alright to just visit him, as a friend? 

No. He needs to be involved in his recovery. There may be restrictions on visiting limited to only close friends and family. While this news shook you up, it's best not to complicate things for him and his family and close loved ones.  He can reach out if he wishes once he's ready, willing and able to. Keep in mind it's your mother who told you this unpleasant news, not him or his people.