At what point does NC become Immature? Say they contact you?

[quing]

I mean I do not contact ever, my ex she is contacting me or is starting to contact me more and asking me questions about what I am up to and if I have done anything exciting lately. Frankly I am not interested in what she has been up to, I don't want to hear where she goes on her dates etc.

 

I told her 3 weeks ago as a rule I don't do friends with ex's because of her betrayal and my trust was broken, but I did say I forgive her as a human being. She at this time wanted a big hug and kiss and pleaded with me to call her to tell her about myself, in which I replied what is the point.

 

Now today she has emailed me requesting a work related document that she emailed me some time ago. She asked if I was well? and I replied 'I am well thanks, please find attached your requested document.'

 

4 hours later I am getting another 'am I well???' email, (sheesh, I just told her I was well!!!) and questions about what I have been up to and that she is sorry should could not drop off the house key and collect the rest of her belongings on the weekend she said she would because she was out of the city at that time.

 

One minute I want her back the next I really can't stand her for what she did and I have absolutely no time whatsoever in my mind.

 

I advise no contact to everyone else, but my question to you all is at what level is it childish? or is it you are simply trying to get on with your life and that there is nothing wrong with that.

 

I don't want to come accross as bitter or hurt I have never led to feel that anyway as I never begged for her only encouraged her.

 

We were together 6 years and we have been broken up 6 weeks, What is the deal?

[Liquidius]

It becomes childish when you want to talk to her but aren't out of sheer beligerance.

 

You're not being childish. You just dont want to talk to her That's fine

[michelemybell]

If it still bothers you to hear about her dates, etc., then you must maintain NO CONTACT.

The problem is, that you left the door open so much during this NO CONTACT period that it's not really helping you. That is why you are frustrated.

I dont know the background of why your relationship ended. But, if she dumped you and betrayed you, then it's imperative you go NO CONTACT if she just wants to be friends with you. I've seen so many people hurt (including myself) by maintaining contact with an ex, mainly because the same issues still exist that broke you up in the first place. And to maintain a "friendship" with someone who hurt you and probably doesnt want to be with you exclusively, is heartbreaking.

Remember, NO CONTACT is about you. To get your life--and your head--back together so you can think things through rationally.

[Hope75]

One minute I want her back the next I really can't stand her for what she did and I have absolutely no time whatsoever in my mind.

 

What exactly is it that she did to you?

 

I advise no contact to everyone else, but my question to you all is at what level is it childish? or is it you are simply trying to get on with your life and that there is nothing wrong with that.

 

NC is about you being able to move on with your life without being faced with her and what you lost over and over again. It has nothing to do with her, and I disagree with those who try to use NC to get their ex's curious about what they are up to and come back. If used for what it is intended for, it is not childish, it is a way to move on.

[shes2smart]

I advise no contact to everyone else, but my question to you all is at what level is it childish? or is it you are simply trying to get on with your life and that there is nothing wrong with that.

 

Each of us, as individuals, has the right to decide who we will allow into our lives, how far we will allow them in and who we won't allow in at all. We don't have to be "equal opportunity" to all unless that's what we want. Nothing childish about setting one's boundaries.

 

If you don't care to keep up any sort of relationship with any ex, it is your right to do so. Have you told her that? That you hope she has a nice life, but you can no longer be any part of it? She may not react well to it, but that's really not your problem.

 

There's only one ex I keep in touch with. The rest of them...I don't wish them ill, I don't hate them, I rarely think of them at all, I hope they are happy and doing well, but there's no need for me to know about it -- much like there's no need for me to know details of a stranger's life or for a stranger to know about my life. Unfortunately, every last single one of my exes has tried to contact me down the road...and when they do, I remind them they are part of my past....and the past has no place in the present.

[quing]

What exactly is it that she did to you?

 

Welll after 6 years of a loving, trusting relationship she went for a job interview, did not get the job but got asked out for a drink by the interviewer who is about 15 years older married with kids???, she was flatted somehow and accepted this, at the drink he obviously paid a lot of compliments etc and he started texting over the next two weeks.

 

We had no shortage of compliments in our relationship to each other but if I am honest we both felt the strain and we needed some sort of break (I was contemplating ending the relationship myself)

 

Well she brought up the split and she planned to have sex with this guy who I have to add is hideous in appearance compared to me, but he likes to think of him self as a bit of a high flyer, or so he makes out.

 

I said please,let us go our separate ways to see different people later but do not leave me for another guy you have just met.

I said I am never friends with my ex's and she said I hope you are bluffing.

In the end I just wished her and him well and even offered her two concert tickets for both him and her.

 

Now how I feel betrayed is because this guy came from no where and she was willing to dump me like rubbish and 6 years of relationship for this freak.

Now she wants me to play friends and reminise about the good times, and I told her once again 3 weeks ago, I mean what I say and I do not mess around.

 

Because I did not plead with her to stay and I acted not bothered she tried very hard to make me jealous, it was then she made some really unforgivable mistakes. (You can see the full story in my first posts)

 

We should have had a clean break and I would have hugged and kissed her every now and then, I told her this at thet time and she ignored me,

Now all she wants to do when I have seen her is hug me and she tries to kiss me but then braggs how great her life is.

You can see it in my first ever post.

[Hope75]

Hmm...

 

she doesn't really seem like she is worth your time anymore, does she?

 

Maybe NC is the best way to go with her so that you can get over this and be able to continue forward with your life without being constantly reminded of her betrayel.

[quing]

It becomes childish when you want to talk to her but aren't out of sheer beligerance.

 

hmm you got me thinking there for a second, but then I think, well does she deserve a second of my time and what would I actually now gain from speaking accept letting her have the best of both worlds.

 

I don't need her as a friend, she was my best friend but she serverly let me down. I felt stabbed in the back by the one I trusted the most.

 

My aim is to not get into conversation with her because I don't want to know about her, and my business in my mind is now private to me.

 

I have other friends and I will find another woman again no problem when I am ready.

 

I just worried about appearing childish or bitter instead of appearing as someone who don't care anymore.

[Hope75]

....then I think, well does she deserve a second of my time and what would I actually now gain from speaking accept letting her have the best of both worlds.

 

You are not ingnoring her to punish her, you are ignoring her because you want and deserve to get on with your life, and she lost privilage to be part of it when the relationship ended.

 

It's about what's best for you, not how to hurt her. Her feelings are not a concern to you anymore. She has a new boyfriend for that.

[shes2smart]

I just worried about appearing childish or bitter instead of appearing as someone who don't care anymore.

 

Why would it make any difference how you appeared to her? She's history. She's entitled to her opinion (as you are), but her opinion should matter to you about as much as a stranger's.

 

You know what your intent is and what your boundaries are. How she chooses to interpret your actions isn't your concern.

[RandomAdvisor]

After what she did to you, I wouldn't be worried about appearing bitter.

 

I'd give her a good tongue lashing and tell her in no uncertain terms you want her the hell out of your life.

[hockeyboy]

if you were together for 6 years and within 6 weeks she's been going on a lot of dates then it sound like she is the one with security problems. shes probably having issues letting you go completely and wants to keep you close incase things dont work out how she planned

[quing]

Why would it make any difference how you appeared to her? She's history

 

I know what your saying but I know the best revenge of all is to appear to them that they were not your greatest loss.

 

That gives me a little bit of personal satisfactoin alone.

[DN]

Since you were considering dumping her why do you care? Best thing is to send her her stuff and ignore her after that.

[shes2smart]

I know what your saying but I know the best revenge of all is to appear to them that they were not your greatest loss.

 

That gives me a little bit of personal satisfactoin alone.

 

As long as you have any desire for revenge she still has hold over some part of you.

 

You may well be her greatest loss....and you may not be. In any event, that's not for you to determine. For you to try and influence her decision in that matter runs counter to what you say you want....her out of your life permanently.

[quing]

As long as you have any desire for revenge she still has hold over some part of you.

Not necessarily true, I am a Scorpio by star sign, whether that has any bearing or not I don't know, but revenge is just what I do when someone has crossed me. I spend my life settling scores in some way or another and it does not matter how many years it takes either, sure maybe there are better ways to live but it helps me get by and it gives me a buzz.

Well after the pretty women I saw tonight I know all it will take is another woman to distract me and the ex will be real history.

It won't be long now, I just have to keep out of the ex's way.

[quing]

Since you were considering dumping her why do you care? Best thing is to send her her stuff and ignore her after that.

 

Because I cared about our past and the friendship bond we had built up over the years.

She just **** on it in one go and expected to carry on as though nothing had really happened.

 

I would have broke up with no one waiting in the wings and then looked out for her. This is what she wanted but she chose the wrong way to do it and now this guy may have been dumped after the first date but she has thrown 6 years of memories away over the little ****

[melrich]

I think if you are going to initiate no contact you have to let the ex know.

 

Ideally the conversation should be something like, "I understand you don't want a relationship anymore, you need to understand I need time and space to heal, please respect that and refrain from making contact with me etc. etc."

 

If you just suddenly cut someone off and ignore calls and messages, that is rude and childish.

 

If you have that conversation and they don't respect your wishes then I think yoyu are within your rights to ignore the contacts.

[Liquidius]

It becomes childish when you want to talk to her but aren't out of sheer beligerance.

 

hmm you got me thinking there for a second, but then I think, well does she deserve a second of my time and what would I actually now gain from speaking accept letting her have the best of both worlds.

 

I don't need her as a friend, she was my best friend but she serverly let me down. I felt stabbed in the back by the one I trusted the most.

 

My aim is to not get into conversation with her because I don't want to know about her, and my business in my mind is now private to me.

 

I have other friends and I will find another woman again no problem when I am ready.

 

I just worried about appearing childish or bitter instead of appearing as someone who don't care anymore.

 

I would find it more hurtful for a person that I had dumped to be on friendly terms with me. She brags about her life, well brag about how good yours is. She has really hurt you, but prove to her that you are over it by showing her that what she is doing doesnt hurt you anymore. That way she'll have no choice but to try to stop making you feel jealous and hurt because you'll be showing her that it doesnt work anymore.

[quing]

I would find it more hurtful for a person that I had dumped to be on friendly terms with me. She brags about her life, well brag about how good yours is. She has really hurt you, but prove to her that you are over it by showing her that what she is doing doesnt hurt you anymore. That way she'll have no choice but to try to stop making you feel jealous and hurt because you'll be showing her that it doesnt work anymore.

 

The trouble is I have been doing that since day one, but I refuse to compete because where will that get me. I can't be bothered to play the one up manship game.

To show how I was not hurt I even offered our two concert tickets for her and her new date to go to.

I even said even though I hate the way she has gone about it I think him coming along is doing us a favour, but I cannot remian friends and I am really sorry for that and don't get me wrong I still care for you.

 

The next evening (before she had moved all her stuff out) she was making me help get her ready for her date and she said 'would you do me?' and 'I cannot imagine what sex is like with someone else'

She wearing an amazingly short dress at the time!!!??? I did not make a comment I just wished her well and said 'have fun'!

 

You see, when I act not bothered and I talk to her in a friendly manner all she does is try and twist the dagger, and it hurts, I just refuse to let her have the pleasure to see it.

 

So I enforce NC and she gets in contact now and again so she can tell me how great her life is since breaking up, although really she is doing exactly the same just minus me.

 

That is why I am asking about ignoring her mails etc, because she is trying to get me to bite and give a reaction, plead for mercy or something and I refuse.

 

There is no doubt this girl wants me in her life, but she also wants more, I am hapy with her having dates, just not leaving me for them, I do not accept that and as a result I told her my 6 years with her is now a blur, and I do not cherish the memories because of how it ended.

 

I warned her right from the beginning.

 

I am already looking at other potential women and I am sure I will end up with someone I find very attractive soon.

 

I can see what is happening, she wants me to aknoledge that she meant something to me and that I hurt no end, in order for her to be able to move on in sucks trying to move on thinking your 6 year relationship means nothing to the one you just ran from.

And I refuse to do this out of priciple.

[michelemybell]

She really asked you "would you do me?" when she is dating another guy? Sounds like a winner to me. Why do you even bother? It doesnt matter if you two have a history. This is not the type of person I would want in my life anymore.

 

It seems to me you kinda like the drama of this whole thing. Why even engage in behavior like this? It's very childish, and you have it within your power to stop it...but you don't. You are 31 years old. Do you want to have a family? Do you want to have children (with someone mature enough to handle the responsibility of raising children--This woman doesn't sound like it!)

 

If it were me, I would cut off contact completely. You are wasting time in your life playing games with a very insecure and immature "girl".

[quing]

She really asked you "would you do me?" when she is dating another guy?.

It seems to me you kinda like the drama of this whole thing. Why even engage in behavior like this? It's very childish, and you have it within your power to stop it...but you don't. You are 31 years old. Do you want to have a family? Do you want to have children (with someone mature enough to handle the responsibility of raising children--This woman doesn't sound like it!)

 

If it were me, I would cut off contact completely. You are wasting time in your life playing games with a very insecure and immature "girl".

 

Yep, she did ask that, It was just after I had said I am happy for her and her date and said that it was good that he had came along.

Well thats it, I did not engage in the behavior, it came looking for me.

I did not ask for it, she dumps me, I say ok, it does her head in, she tries to make me jealous for not crying, and here I am.

No I am not ready for a family yet, a few more years for me.

And yes you are right about cutting off, I was living in the days when things were good.

It is funny how even the most sane of people can turn almost insane over night when it comes to emotions from splitting up and leaving someone.

Honestly she was a very stable intelligent woman a short time ago, now she is acting evil even though it is all caused by her own selfish actions in the beginning.

 

I will and have done as you say, I have done the big one and not replied to her 'how are you/look at me', gloat email.

It is the only way forward I can see, first time I have ever ignored her but what else can I do to move on.