Where we both too slow?

[Batya33]

58 minutes ago, Mimy said:

I feel like he‘s one of those guys who wouldn’t need Sex immediately but really likes being close. 
You are right. I felt something between us, when we met I didn‘t and then somehow my feelings changend. But he already thought I rejected him this way because I needed time but I didn‘t communicated any of my thoughts or feelings to him. Which is bad because so he didn’t either. This situation showed me that this is a trait of me I really need to work on, I need to open up, I need to communicate what I feel and don‘t be afraid of this. I will try to change and if he maybe would want to give it a chance then I would communicate this to him and why I acted this way. Because he was a bit more open last time (holding hands, hugging, tickling just being silly) I feel maybe he would. I have to see and act. 

No person needs sex immediately. Some men and women want sex immediately.  You "feel" like a lot of things but feelings aren't facts.  Your behavior in declining to date him is not a trait -it's a behavior you chose in response to not feeling into someone enough to date them.  There's nothing to work on except maybe choosing not to share how you feel if you think you might feel differently later.  Pause before speaking.  You did "communicate it to him" - you told him you want to be with him now, you showed him by sharing a bed and you're barking up the wrong tree -this tree wants to establish roots elsewhere, sorry.  

He wasn't more open in any relevant way -meaning his actions don't mean he wants to date you.  He just felt like physically touching you and playing around.  And you responded by allowing him to do so.

[Mimy]

31 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No person needs sex immediately. Some men and women want sex immediately.  You "feel" like a lot of things but feelings aren't facts.  Your behavior in declining to date him is not a trait -it's a behavior you chose in response to not feeling into someone enough to date them.  There's nothing to work on except maybe choosing not to share how you feel if you think you might feel differently later.  Pause before speaking.  You did "communicate it to him" - you told him you want to be with him now, you showed him by sharing a bed and you're barking up the wrong tree -this tree wants to establish roots elsewhere, sorry.  

He wasn't more open in any relevant way -meaning his actions don't mean he wants to date you.  He just felt like physically touching you and playing around.  And you responded by allowing him to do so.

Maybe he just wanted to hold hands without thinking more of it yeah. I‘m not that negative though but not positive either. I try to stay neutral until we see each other again.

[MissCanuck]

6 hours ago, Mimy said:

we agreed on friendship

Then you need to stop having sleepovers. 

If he's telling you he just wants to be friends, don't allow him to have unfettered access to you and "cuddle" you. You stand to get hurt if something physical happens and he still only wants to be friends afterwards. 

You won't make this any better by lacking boundaries, in other words. If you really want to see where his intentions are, tell him you cannot share a bed with him if you two are only friends. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Mimy said:

 I try to stay neutral until we see each other again.

Does he ask you on dates? How old is he? Why was he sleeping over?

[Mimy]

9 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Does he ask you on dates? How old is he? Why was he sleeping over?

He slept over because we live long distance. We met for the weekend. He‘s 20 and had one gf, where she had to make all the steps. We will meet again for a weekend. We build a solid friendship, that‘s why I am afraid of taking any steps in a different direction. And when he was here he was enthusiastic about meeting again the next. 

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, Mimy said:

He slept over because we live long distance.

How far apart are you two? How often can you see each other to date?

[Mimy]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

How far apart are you two? How often can you see each other to date?

Few hours apart. There are two weeks now inbetween. Personally I feel like because we agreed on friends it took stress of us. First time we met he was a nervous wreck who almost couldn’t look me in the eye, was nervous on every action and word of mine and I felt it. Now he was way more chill and yeah then the little touches happened. 
 

[Batya33]

34 minutes ago, Mimy said:

He slept over because we live long distance. We met for the weekend. He‘s 20 and had one gf, where she had to make all the steps. We will meet again for a weekend. We build a solid friendship, that‘s why I am afraid of taking any steps in a different direction. And when he was here he was enthusiastic about meeting again the next. 

You have no idea if this is the case -that he only had one girlfriend, if she had to "make all the steps" that he's had no other dates, hookups, etc or "friends" he sleeps in the same bed with (yes I had guy friends sleep over when I was a teenager, yes they slept separately from me because- we were just friends and the purpose of the sleepover was because it was unsafe for him to go home that late at night after a night out dancing -yes my parents allowed boys to sleep over like this -they trusted me).  

This is not a solid friendship.  Because if he wanted to cuddle with you and whisper to you about some hot woman he wants to pursue in his hometown you'd want to throw up.  If you were just friends you'd be happy for him.  

[Batya33]

19 minutes ago, Mimy said:

Few hours apart. There are two weeks now inbetween. Personally I feel like because we agreed on friends it took stress of us. First time we met he was a nervous wreck who almost couldn’t look me in the eye, was nervous on every action and word of mine and I felt it. Now he was way more chill and yeah then the little touches happened. 
 

Yes -he is not stressed because he can play all cuddly wherever it leads and if you then want a commitment he can look at you all wide eyed and innocent and remind you of your agreement to be just friends.

[Mimy]

7 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -he is not stressed because he can play all cuddly wherever it leads and if you then want a commitment he can look at you all wide eyed and innocent and remind you of your agreement to be just friends.

Yeah, that‘s a good point. I will keep that in mind. For now I will see how it goes, if the next meet up will feel just friendly or if there‘s again a little spark. And if so I will have to make a decision for myself.

[Wiseman2]

57 minutes ago, Mimy said:

Few hours apart. There are two weeks now inbetween. Personally I feel like because we agreed on friends it took stress of us.

Ok the silver lining is that since you are just friends and not dating or exclusive, is that you can date local guys who you can see regularly, take you on dates and you are sure where you stand.

Nebulous situationships such as cuddle buddies tend to end in someone getting hurt. Add to that distance.  He may also have some cuddle buddies in his hometown you'll never know about so why not date local guys.

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Mimy said:

Yeah, that‘s a good point. I will keep that in mind. For now I will see how it goes, if the next meet up will feel just friendly or if there‘s again a little spark. And if so I will have to make a decision for myself.

Keep in mind he seems to have already decided so factor that in.  Good luck!

[Tinydance]

Well it's definitely a confusing situation because maybe he did feel rejected and that's why he said he just wants to be friends. From what you wrote it doesn't exactly sound like he 100% only wants to be friends but it's unclear what exactly he's looking for. I mean, you set up a guest bed for him to sleep on but he actually came to your bed and became affectionate and snuggled. I know you didn't have sex or anything but if he only wanted this to be platonic then why did he come into your bed and started acting affectionate? He could have very easily just stayed on the guest bed.

I wouldn't actually say based on that happening that he only wants to be platonic friends and that's it. I know you said he's shy but I think just be careful. He might still be shy but that doesn't mean he doesn't just want to hookup. I'm not saying he's a bad person or anything but if he told you he just wants to be friends, then jumps in your bed, what is his agenda exactly?

Also I wouldn't say that you actually rejected him in the beginning. I mean, did he tell you that he actually liked you or ask you out? It's not like he asked you out but you said "no". I don't think you really did anything to "ruin" it ad such so don't feel bad or anything.

I also think maybe you should think about whether you actually do truly like him, or maybe you just got jealous. The thing is they don't call jealousy a "green eyed monster" for nothing lol Jealousy is a strong emotion. It is actually possible to feel jealous if someone's attention isn't on you, even if you don't have real feelings for that person. For example, my best friend had an FWB and romantically she wasn't into him at all, only sexually. She said conversation with him was really awkward and there was no click at all. But she became very jealous at the prospect of him seeing any other women.

I also actually know some people where someone was chasing them for ages, like a year. They weren't really into that person and kept rejecting them. Then as soon as their admirer met someone else, they freaked out that they were going to lose them and were like: "OK now I'm interested".

In any case, if you really do like this guy but he just wants to be friends, personally I wouldn't be friends. I mean how can you be just friends with someone you have feelings for? If he does go out with other girls you'll probably just end up being hurt.

[Tinydance]

12 hours ago, kctiger said:

How did you two end up in a situation where you are basically chat buddies but ended up sleeping in the same bed together? 

As a guy, I have to say that if I tell a female that I specifically only want to be friends, then there’s purely no other motive there and you should take that at face value. While I’m not shy like this guy, I would never tell a woman I’m romantically interested in that friendship is my only desire. Shy or not, I just do not think that would be something most guys say if they felt otherwise. 

No one likes to be rejected either. Welcome to a man’s world, where we’re expected to make the first move and handle rejection with grace. It sucks no matter how many times it’s happened. Worse case scenario, you make a move and he shuts you down. Go for it. Keep in mind, that could ruin the potential for a blossoming friendship but I also think you probably aren’t ready for friendship since you have competing motives. Communication is critical in any relationship, platonic or otherwise, and I do not believe in utilizing gender norms to justify not being vulnerable and making your true intentions known. If you don’t, you’ll never know what could have happened. 

To be really fair though I don't see where she said that she actually rejected him? She said he asked her if she's shy too and she said "not really". I don't actually see anywhere that he said he liked her or asked her out? Sounds like they just hung out once and then he backed off and started talking to another girl. If anything maybe it was more him who rejected her.

[Tinydance]

4 hours ago, Batya33 said:

Yes -he is not stressed because he can play all cuddly wherever it leads and if you then want a commitment he can look at you all wide eyed and innocent and remind you of your agreement to be just friends.

Yeah I think don't let him mess with you. If he actually means it that he just wants to be friends then why is he getting in bed with you, holding hands? And he wants to do it again too. You actually told him that you like him so he knows how you feel. If he's not interested then he shouldn't be leading you on. I think maybe mention to him again that you like him. If he says he only wants to be friends then do you really want him to stay with you and sleep in your bed? Even if he wants to hook up but he's just calling you a friend and not trying to date you.

[Mimy]

7 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well it's definitely a confusing situation because maybe he did feel rejected and that's why he said he just wants to be friends. From what you wrote it doesn't exactly sound like he 100% only wants to be friends but it's unclear what exactly he's looking for. I mean, you set up a guest bed for him to sleep on but he actually came to your bed and became affectionate and snuggled. I know you didn't have sex or anything but if he only wanted this to be platonic then why did he come into your bed and started acting affectionate? He could have very easily just stayed on the guest bed.

I wouldn't actually say based on that happening that he only wants to be platonic friends and that's it. I know you said he's shy but I think just be careful. He might still be shy but that doesn't mean he doesn't just want to hookup. I'm not saying he's a bad person or anything but if he told you he just wants to be friends, then jumps in your bed, what is his agenda exactly?

Also I wouldn't say that you actually rejected him in the beginning. I mean, did he tell you that he actually liked you or ask you out? It's not like he asked you out but you said "no". I don't think you really did anything to "ruin" it ad such so don't feel bad or anything.

I also think maybe you should think about whether you actually do truly like him, or maybe you just got jealous. The thing is they don't call jealousy a "green eyed monster" for nothing lol Jealousy is a strong emotion. It is actually possible to feel jealous if someone's attention isn't on you, even if you don't have real feelings for that person. For example, my best friend had an FWB and romantically she wasn't into him at all, only sexually. She said conversation with him was really awkward and there was no click at all. But she became very jealous at the prospect of him seeing any other women.

I also actually know some people where someone was chasing them for ages, like a year. They weren't really into that person and kept rejecting them. Then as soon as their admirer met someone else, they freaked out that they were going to lose them and were like: "OK now I'm interested".

In any case, if you really do like this guy but he just wants to be friends, personally I wouldn't be friends. I mean how can you be just friends with someone you have feelings for? If he does go out with other girls you'll probably just end up being hurt.

Your text is really good. 
The conversations with him are not awkward at all like in your friends case. As I said, we are good friends which means I love his character, his qualities, the way he treats people, his humor and so on. What I wasn‘t sure about was sexual attraction. Which is something also needed for more than a friendship. Anything else is there. This is why I actually think I need to come closer once even if it‘s just cuddling you know? To find out if I‘m just jealous because someone else also has a lot of his attention, or because I actually like like him. I need to find that out for myself. 

[Wiseman2]

4 minutes ago, Mimy said:

  I need to find that out for myself. 

Have you visited him in his area? Do you both live with parents? Do you both go to college or work?

Is there a lack of opportunities to meet, date, get to know local guys? Have you dated before? Why did you go down this rabbit hole of cyber-relationships?

It's unclear why you would pursue a distance thing with a guy who you feel iffy about and who dates others but wants to cuddle in bed.

[Mimy]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Have you visited him in his area? Do you both live with parents? Do you both go to college or work?

Is there a lack of opportunities to meet, date, get to know local guys? Have you dated before? Why did you go down this rabbit hole of cyber-relationships?

It's unclear why you would pursue a distance thing with a guy who you feel iffy about and who dates others but wants to cuddle in bed.

Yeah we go to work/college of course. There‘s no lack to meet local guys. I have dated before, dont worry lol. I don‘t think you really get this situation and that‘s ok. I want to decide for myself next time we see each other, because I don‘t want to go on with question marks in my head. 

[MissCanuck]

When you're really attracted to a guy, you won't need to "cuddle" with him to realize it. 

 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

When you're really attracted to a guy, you won't need to "cuddle" with him to realize it. 

Agree. Google "frottage". Cuddling is not dating and certainly not what platonic friends do.

To determine attraction you need to date in real time. Not try to reconcile the difference between the cyber fantasy that was built up and who you saw in person in front of you.

More cuddle sessions won't really help you decide, it will simply become even more confusing.

[Mimy]

14 minutes ago, MissCanuck said:

When you're really attracted to a guy, you won't need to "cuddle" with him to realize it. 

 

I‘m not sure. I had guys I was instantly attracted to in the past and everytime this instant heavy attraction turned out to be nothing more than just that. This time I feel a emotional connection I haven‘t felt in a long time and when we slept together it felt really good. So I don‘t think you always need instan attraction on meet up 1-2. 

[MissCanuck]

4 minutes ago, Mimy said:

So I don‘t think you always need instan attraction

I didn't say you need instant attraction. 

But you won't need cuddle sessions to understand if you're attracted, either. You're over-complicating it. 

[Batya33]

2 hours ago, Mimy said:

I‘m not sure. I had guys I was instantly attracted to in the past and everytime this instant heavy attraction turned out to be nothing more than just that. This time I feel a emotional connection I haven‘t felt in a long time and when we slept together it felt really good. So I don‘t think you always need instan attraction on meet up 1-2. 

No you don't.  For me once I didn't realize I was attracted to a platonic male friend until over a year later.  But until that point -and even after that point -we'd never touched in any way -we'd seen each other in groups -mutual friends - talked on the phone at times - but I guess he realized he was attracted and when I mentioned an event to go to he said he'd rather not but would I meet him for dinner.  We started dating shortly after.  But it was all straightforward -none of these playing footsie games under the table and no equivocation of "not really"

It sounds like you met this person through an online site and most of your initial communication was online yes? I don't see how you feel you've developed an actual friendship -from the get go his purpose in getting to know you was to potentially date you and you as well.  Then you backed way off and he reacted by backing off from the idea of dating you.  But he might still enjoy "cuddling" because that could lead to being a sex buddy of yours even though he no longer wishes to date you.  

[Mimy]

4 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

No you don't.  For me once I didn't realize I was attracted to a platonic male friend until over a year later.  But until that point -and even after that point -we'd never touched in any way -we'd seen each other in groups -mutual friends - talked on the phone at times - but I guess he realized he was attracted and when I mentioned an event to go to he said he'd rather not but would I meet him for dinner.  We started dating shortly after.  But it was all straightforward -none of these playing footsie games under the table and no equivocation of "not really"

It sounds like you met this person through an online site and most of your initial communication was online yes? I don't see how you feel you've developed an actual friendship -from the get go his purpose in getting to know you was to potentially date you and you as well.  Then you backed way off and he reacted by backing off from the idea of dating you.  But he might still enjoy "cuddling" because that could lead to being a sex buddy of yours even though he no longer wishes to date you.  

No it‘s not like that. I guess because I didn‘t explained all the details. We didn‘t met in the sense to date. We met through a hobby and started off as talking as friends, the flirting came much later and we are friends, we are there for each other and talk text everyday. I don‘t think I‘m gonna continue this thread for now because I don‘t want to explain all the details but when I say we are actually real friends, that is true and what I mean. I know the situation the best. 

[kctiger]

11 hours ago, Tinydance said:

To be really fair though I don't see where she said that she actually rejected him? She said he asked her if she's shy too and she said "not really". I don't actually see anywhere that he said he liked her or asked her out? Sounds like they just hung out once and then he backed off and started talking to another girl. If anything maybe it was more him who rejected her.

I never said she rejected him. I specifically said he told her he’d rather be friends, and that is abundantly clear in the second paragraph of the initial post. 

My point on rejection is based on her mentioning she has a “deep fear of rejection’’, so she won’t make her clear intentions known. If she can’t be clear on what she really wants then the entire foundation of this friendship/cuddle buddy/whatever this is supposed to be is flawed. Trying to be friends when you ultimately want something more is destined to hurt one or both parties. Speaking from some unfortunate experience on my end.