My girlfriends boss is in love with her

[boltnrun]

35 minutes ago, GordonFreeman said:

This boss is retiring in about a month but will stay on as an as needed basis to help her with her job. So I was hoping it would go away.

You are hoping her inappropriate relationship with him will "go away"?

So what you're saying is you're fine being in a relationship with someone who either has an affair with her boss or uses his attraction to her to advance her career as long as the other party goes away somewhere eventually? Personal integrity isn't something you value in a love partner?

[Andrina]

Ever hear of the saying--Hiding in plain sight.  ??

That's what some people do. Testing to see what lengths they can go to. Believe me that what you're putting up with now, will only get worse because she knows you're a doormat if you stick around.

Some people have diarrhea of the mouth. Why has she told you so much? She likes you being jealous and on edge, like she's a prize a person has to win precariously, like Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.

Some people say what's often on their mind, and so that would be her boss. People do occasionally mention their boss, but you know this is overkill and more than the norm.

I haven't been harassed by a boss, but certainly have been at least 3 times by male co-workers over the years. I can tell you I never once gave mixed signals, and made it clear that for all our future encounters, we would say a pleasant hello and not an ounce more.

It doesn't matter why she allows this. Ego boost. Career advancement. Free gifts. Attention she says she doesn't like but really does. Having a titillating affair because monogamy is boring. Too passive to speak up for herself.

Whatever the case is, they are all wrong. She's a grown woman, so is operating how she chooses to operate. Her good looks and good points aren't enough to weigh the scales in favor of her being "the one." I'd leave ASAP if I were you. Take care.

[boltnrun]

Let me put it this way.

If there was married (or unmarried!) woman at your workplace who asked you out and bought you gifts and wrote you a love letter, how would you handle it? Would you refuse to follow through on reporting her to HR? Would you go places with her? Would you invite her to have lunch with you alone while you were in her town? And would you conceal these things from your girlfriend until AFTER they happened?

[GordonFreeman]

Well she didn’t say I couldn’t go on the wine trip, she just knows I don’t drink and figured I wouldn’t have any fun anyway. I guess I could tell her I’d like to go, but I really would rather not go lol

[itsallgrand]

She's an opportunist. Red flags all over the place. She's very obviously all about number 1. 

 

[SooSad33]

11 hours ago, GordonFreeman said:

the other day she went out of town to get her car fixed, to his home town, and decided to invite him to lunch to talk shop while her car was being fixed. I was stunned by this. She insisted she still wanted him to be her mentor and she wanted to be friends with him.

I agree!  should remain at a professional level only. ( and healthy boundaries?).

 

11 hours ago, GordonFreeman said:

Anyway, she claimed it is no longer an issue and has set really good boundaries with him and worked really hard with her therapist to forgive her boss. I don’t think the boundaries are working very well because even up until we started dating he was still asking her out to dinners and giving her gifts and commenting about how she looked when wearing short dresses to work, creepy *** like that.

And to be speaking with all of this with her therapist?  😕 

I don;t understand her at all! I would have considered walking walking away from that job long ago- with a boss like that.

 

I wonder.. IF she's got low self esteem?  If they are maybe both seeking some sort of ego boost?  Either way, she should be respecting all she's got with you & your relationship - If she really felt it was worth it... right?

 

[boltnrun]

1 hour ago, boltnrun said:

Let me put it this way.

If there was married (or unmarried!) woman at your workplace who asked you out and bought you gifts and wrote you a love letter, how would you handle it? Would you refuse to follow through on reporting her to HR? Would you go places with her? Would you invite her to have lunch with you alone while you were in her town? And would you conceal these things from your girlfriend until AFTER they happened?

I'm curious to know your answer to this.

[GordonFreeman]

I think she does have self esteem issues. But as for the question about if the roles were reversed, that is all true. I have been there before, sexually harassed at work and the last thing I would do is want to be friends with them. Even the part about wanting them for a mentor is confusing. A real mentor would never do that.

When we did talk about the lunch she was extremely defensive and kept making it about me not trusting her. I think if everything was innocent and she just didn’t realize how much it hurt me that she was going out to lunch with him it would be really easy to say “sure, I’ll never do that again, I’ll just call if we need to talk about work, sorry my bad” But I could tell she did not want to say that. In her defense I initially got pretty upset and said this is something I would break up over. So I can sort of understand her hurt feelings as well. And she hasn’t really done anything else to make me doubt her honesty. That is not a good threat to make I just didn’t know how else to tell her this was serious. She obviously didn’t get the message the first time I told her I didn’t like her being around him outside work.

[boltnrun]

Is your goal to try to "keep" her no matter what she does?

[GordonFreeman]

13 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

Is your goal to try to "keep" her no matter what she does?

No. She does have many great qualities outside this situation and basically everything but this has been great. I just want to make sure I’m reading the situation right and not jumping to conclusions or being irrational.