How do college hookups work?

[nyccbaby13]

I just transferred to a new college and so far I've been loving it.  I've done casual hookups before but I'm not really sure what's going on with this one because I feel like it's getting messy and kind of complicated.  About two weeks ago, I met a guy at a frat house.  We're both rushing Greek life for the same brother/sister fraternity and sorority so ever since then we've attended a lot of the same parties.  He got my number and we started hanging out a lot outside of the parties, like studying together and getting food just general things around campus.  At first, I thought he was a typical frat guy but he's actually pretty reserved and not really that friendly with girls or anyone in general which I actually kind of like. We've also started hooking up and he told me he's never went all the way before or had a real girlfriend (which surprised me).  We haven't slept together yet but we've came close to it a good amount of times so far.  It's never really been planned, it almost always happens whenever we hangout or study.

Which is why I'm slightly unsure how to act because casual hookups in my experience have usually been when I'm drunk or just a one night kind of thing.  Neither of us have ever been drunk when we kiss or hookup.  Even at parties, we end up making out stone cold sober.  Or after we study he would hold my face and kiss me goodbye.  I've been enjoying this up until last night when I feel like something between us slightly shifted but I don't know if I'm just overthinking or maybe I'm starting to have a thing for him.   He invited me to a party at the house, he found me and asked me about my friend because he thought there was something going on between us.  My friend actually does like me, but that's irrelevant here which is what I told him.  He kissed me, we started making out, and he said "God (my name) what are you doing to me". And then he held my face and we were just staring at each other until my friend found me and took me away because we had to leave.  My heart was pounding the whole time for the first time ever and now I'm feeling confused.  

I don't really want a boyfriend, and he's also so reserved outside of the parties, that I'm not really sure what he's thinking either.  I feel like since I just started college, I don't want to move too fast with anything.  Since most of our interactions are either studying or making out, I'm not really sure what the college hookup etiquette is.  I know a lot of people call it sneaky links but it's different for everyone.  Any opinions would be great, like what your experiences with college hookups were like.

[Batya33]

I think you're overthinking this.  Please don't elevate your playing kissy face with this guy to some etiquette question overall.  He is an individual person, a human being who deserves basic respect.  So tell him as an individual that you're having a good time hanging out with him and tell him you'd like to keep things casual, as they are.  No huge back story, no "I don't want a relationship" just tell him this so you don't feel like you're leading him on.  Or if you feel you want to properly date him then ask him what his intentions are towards you.  

I will add - I'd stop this "my friend made me leave" -if you had a plan with the friend to leave at a specific time then tell this person "by the way I'm staying at this party till ____ and then I have to leave -I have plans with my friend." It's not respectful to abruptly leave like that in that situation.  Nothing to do with college or so-called hookup etiquette - just basic manners you learned in kindergarten or earlier.  

[catfeeder]

It's not an etiquette thing, it's an individual thing that you're able to negotiate.

Decide what you want.

Then ask him if that's okay with him.

If so, you're golden. If not, learn what he wants and whether a compromise is possible.

There are no rule books on college relationships. Decide where you want to stand, then ask for that. If the guy doesn't align with what you want, figure out whether you can meet in the middle, or whether he's just not a good match for you.

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, nyccbaby13 said:

 Neither of us have ever been drunk when we kiss or hookup.  

What makes you think drunken hookups are something to aspire to? 

What's wrong with dating and keeping your dignity? You seem a bit overly influenced by immature peer pressure to keep in step with dopey trends.

Why pass yourself around life a free escort service? Is that the cool thing on your campus or something you believe will make you popular?

Think for yourself. Do what is right for you. Use protection and remember that getting drunk is a really really stupid way to have sex.

[MissCanuck]

10 hours ago, nyccbaby13 said:

not really sure what the college hookup etiquette is

There is no etiquette. 

You can have causal hook-ups if you want, but just don't expect much more if you're not dating each other. That was always my approach. If you're making out or sleeping together, fine, but if you're not going on dates then it's not heading towards a relationship. Have you two properly gone out? Because I can assure you that even college boys know how to arrange dates, even if it's just to do something together off-campus that doesn't involve studying or spending time together in your dorm rooms. 

10 hours ago, nyccbaby13 said:

I don't really want a boyfriend

Is this totally accurate, or are you telling yourself this to protect yourself in case he doesn't want a relationship? 

[Rose Mosse]

11 hours ago, nyccbaby13 said:

I just transferred to a new college and so far I've been loving it.  I've done casual hookups before but I'm not really sure what's going on with this one because I feel like it's getting messy and kind of complicated.  About two weeks ago, I met a guy at a frat house.  We're both rushing Greek life for the same brother/sister fraternity and sorority so ever since then we've attended a lot of the same parties.  He got my number and we started hanging out a lot outside of the parties, like studying together and getting food just general things around campus.  At first, I thought he was a typical frat guy but he's actually pretty reserved and not really that friendly with girls or anyone in general which I actually kind of like. We've also started hooking up and he told me he's never went all the way before or had a real girlfriend (which surprised me).  We haven't slept together yet but we've came close to it a good amount of times so far.  It's never really been planned, it almost always happens whenever we hangout or study.

Which is why I'm slightly unsure how to act because casual hookups in my experience have usually been when I'm drunk or just a one night kind of thing.  Neither of us have ever been drunk when we kiss or hookup.  Even at parties, we end up making out stone cold sober.  Or after we study he would hold my face and kiss me goodbye.  I've been enjoying this up until last night when I feel like something between us slightly shifted but I don't know if I'm just overthinking or maybe I'm starting to have a thing for him.   He invited me to a party at the house, he found me and asked me about my friend because he thought there was something going on between us.  My friend actually does like me, but that's irrelevant here which is what I told him.  He kissed me, we started making out, and he said "God (my name) what are you doing to me". And then he held my face and we were just staring at each other until my friend found me and took me away because we had to leave.  My heart was pounding the whole time for the first time ever and now I'm feeling confused.  

I don't really want a boyfriend, and he's also so reserved outside of the parties, that I'm not really sure what he's thinking either.  I feel like since I just started college, I don't want to move too fast with anything.  Since most of our interactions are either studying or making out, I'm not really sure what the college hookup etiquette is.  I know a lot of people call it sneaky links but it's different for everyone.  Any opinions would be great, like what your experiences with college hookups were like.

He seems to have a crush on you but you’re both young and he doesn’t seem to be asking you out on any dates. Use your own discretion and if you have feelings for him slow things down at least until you decide what you want for yourself. 

There is no sense running around in confusion in the meantime with someone who himself seems unclear/confused/not so mature. The general rule is if he’s not asking you out he isn’t interested enough. Vocalize that you’re not interested in casual sex (you don’t have to specify with him). He can read between the lines if he’s already into you. If not, pass. 

Spend your time with someone who matches your energy and level of interest. It’s common to meet many people who are incompatible. 

[Batya33]

Also are you trying to play it "cool" so that if there is some "etiquette" rule about whether you should initiate a conversation about "where do we stand?" then you don't run the risk of acting in a vulnerable way? You may not want a serious relationship tomorrow but seems to me you are into this guy more than a casual hookup -you're just not sure if he feels the same way since he hasn't asked you out on a proper date.

In winter 1985 I switched colleges in my freshman year.  I went to orientation. I arrived and I remember plopping down on the floor outside of the classroom that was still locked.  Happened to plop down right next to another transfer student. 

We chatted, realized we knew a few people in common, he asked for my number and he took me out on a few dates.  I knew he was interested in dating me because he asked me out on a date.  I didn't have to try to read into signs that he was interested in dating me.  It's really that simple and I bet it hasn't changed much other than he had to call me on my parents' landline.