Feeling Guilty After Breakup

[anonomousguy12]

I broke up with my ex back in Feb and for the most part I’ve been okay but over the last few days I’ve retrospectively looked back at everything that happened and I feel guilty.

 

We started talking last June and it was a weird relationship she had a co-dependency with her controlling sister (who happened to be dating my second cousin). We did things together as a 4 mostly so me and this girl only had evenings alone or time on the phone.

 

We got really close but I feel like through the relationship it was me compromising and mostly doing what her sister wanted (because she didn’t have a say).

 

I knew she had a hard upbringing and I could see why there would be some dependency with her sister especially since they recently re-located country. But this was quite extra.

 

We then started arguing a lot through December, Jan and there were points in December she threatened to end her life because of arguments with her sister - she wouldn’t have done but it worried me a lot and put a lot of strain on my mental health.

 

In Jan, I tried to push her to get psychological help but she didn’t seem interested. She later said she didn’t because she was being selfish and couldn’t face the burden of talking about it while she was busy with work.

 

I ended the relationship in Feb with her after the arguments got too much for me. I felt like I was carrying a lot of her baggage and trying to hold it together and I couldn’t do it anymore.

 

Through the relationship, I always said I wanted more dates night and wanted to be able to one day move out with her and live independent lives. It didn’t really seem like she was pushing towards this with her sister because of fear of reaction. When I ended it, I said it was mostly because of the uncertainty of the future and I had no reassurance of security along with this weight I was carrying for her.

 

She is an incredible person and has a genuine nature. I know that she cared about me and that it was just her personality to ignore serious situations and hope they work out. Unfortunately I couldn’t hold her through this on the basis it could work out so I ended it.

 

I feel guilty because in retrospect, maybe I personally wasn’t ready for a relationship and I unintentionally led this person on and went along with it because I was enjoying the company. It was insecurity and ‘society’ keeping me in a relationship that wasn’t right.

 

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can work through this feeling of guilt and hurting someone else 

[Wiseman2]

42 minutes ago, anonomousguy12 said:

We then started arguing a lot through December, Jan and there were points in December she threatened to end her life because of arguments with her sister - she wouldn’t have done but it worried me a lot and put a lot of strain on my mental health.

Sorry this happened. Don't feel guilty. You were simply incompatible. Keep in mind these faux suicidal threats were quite manipulative and in general her mental health problems  made things impossible.

She may have been charming at times but there was simply too much chaos manufacturing on her part. Read up on this:

https://outofthefog.website/top-100-trait-blog/2015/10/30/chaos-manufacture

Is this the same woman?:

 

[Kwothe28]

From your last thread, you had way more problems than just her dependancy on sister. One of it is your drinking and arguments.

If you are thinking about the future, it would have to come from yourself. I think its OK that you broke up something dysfunctional. You both have serious issues that need work and together you are a timed bomb waiting to explode. So you shouldnt feel guilty about that. You are not responsible for her. She has herself, and even her sister to make her own work.

On the other hand, you got yourself. And you need to reflect on yourself and fix some of your own issues. Like alcoholism and anger issues from last thread. Dysfunctional people usually have a way of finding other dysfunctional people. So, again, first do some self-work. After that you could be a functional partner for somebody else who is also functional. Without hurting anybody with your behavior.

[anonomousguy12]

59 minutes ago, Kwothe28 said:

From your last thread, you had way more problems than just her dependancy on sister. One of it is your drinking and arguments.

If you are thinking about the future, it would have to come from yourself. I think its OK that you broke up something dysfunctional. You both have serious issues that need work and together you are a timed bomb waiting to explode. So you shouldnt feel guilty about that. You are not responsible for her. She has herself, and even her sister to make her own work.

On the other hand, you got yourself. And you need to reflect on yourself and fix some of your own issues. Like alcoholism and anger issues from last thread. Dysfunctional people usually have a way of finding other dysfunctional people. So, again, first do some self-work. After that you could be a functional partner for somebody else who is also functional. Without hurting anybody with your behavior.

I know I have things to work on myself - this goes without saying. But I don't have an anger issue, I think her reactions and responses to conversation were irrational it made it really hard for me to manage my emotions, feelings and reactions. 

To give you an example, I calmy tried to explain to her  that I think we're pulling each-other in different directions and want different things and I think we would hurt each other more if we stayed in this. She ended up getting drunk because she felt like I was abandoning her and then she started hitting herself and saying that she wants a guy that's more understand of her relationship with her sister than me. Btw I didn't drink this day at all because I wanted a clear head. 

It became difficult to engage in mature conversation and I think the previous two months of chaos took a toll on me towards the end - hence the thread and my reaction. 

 

 

[DarkCh0c0]

3 minutes ago, anonomousguy12 said:

She ended up getting drunk because she felt like I was abandoning her and then she started hitting herself and saying that she wants a guy that's more understand of her relationship with her sister than me

Wow...

This is not healthy.

Don't feel guilty. You dodged a bullet and made the right choice.

Take time to heal, try some new hobbies, and keep moving forward. Don't look back at an unhealthy and incompatible situation like this. Just learn to be a better person and you'll find a better person.

And next time, take people as they are and not as what you'd like them to be. That'll save you time and headache.

[anonomousguy12]

19 minutes ago, DarkCh0c0 said:

Wow...

This is not healthy.

Don't feel guilty. You dodged a bullet and made the right choice.

Take time to heal, try some new hobbies, and keep moving forward. Don't look back at an unhealthy and incompatible situation like this. Just learn to be a better person and you'll find a better person.

And next time, take people as they are and not as what you'd like them to be. That'll save you time and headache.

Thank you, yes i'm going to spend some time figuring out myself more and spend more time with myself. 

I just felt guilty because: 

I had a gut feeling at the start that a relationship wasn't right for me but everyone kept saying that with the right person, you can grow. I gave it my best shot and tried but it wasn't making me a better person. I just think I could have made the choice to leave earlier but I held back because of personal insecurities and feelings of inadequacy.

 

Edit: Or maybe I can only say this now looking back at it and going through this. 

[DarkCh0c0]

8 hours ago, anonomousguy12 said:

. I just think I could have made the choice to leave earlier but I held back because of personal insecurities and feelings of inadequacy

And that's makes you human. That's totally okay.

Many of us regulars on this forum have come here because we undervalued ourselves, didn't listen to our gut feelings, let someone else dictate or lives, ect. But what matters is that at some point (like others here) you said STOP. At some point, you had that inner voice that you listened to and you knew you deserved better somewhere deep inside.

So just practice that muscle. That's it. Learn to be compassionate with yourself just as you would be with a friend. One day you'll look back, and you'll be thankful for the lesson as it has brought you to a better place in the future. You can't change people, but you can work on yourself and make better choices!

And so will you!

[Jibralta]

13 hours ago, anonomousguy12 said:

Does anyone have any suggestions on how I can work through this feeling of guilt and hurting someone else 

I remember your last thread. It was a dysfunctional relationship on a couple of levels and breaking up was probably the right thing to do. The two of you were handling conflict very poorly and that was in large part because of your drinking (both of you). Believe it or not, the guilt that you feel is probably also because of your drinking. When you drink, you make foolish choices. When you're sober, those choices are always in the back of your mind, even if you choose not to think about them. So, if I were you, I would tackle the drinking issue. You can't change the past, but you don't have to repeat the same mistakes.

[anonomousguy12]

1 hour ago, Jibralta said:

I remember your last thread. It was a dysfunctional relationship on a couple of levels and breaking up was probably the right thing to do. The two of you were handling conflict very poorly and that was in large part because of your drinking (both of you). Believe it or not, the guilt that you feel is probably also because of your drinking. When you drink, you make foolish choices. When you're sober, those choices are always in the back of your mind, even if you choose not to think about them. So, if I were you, I would tackle the drinking issue. You can't change the past, but you don't have to repeat the same mistakes.

I needed to hear this, thank you. I have significantly cut down my drinking since and spending time with myself