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A Maybe But Probably Not Journal


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I wanna start off this thought vomit with... wow, a 'club' for journals?  As if the site hadn't already ruined itself trying to appeal to zoomers.

Regardless, let's get into why I'm here.  Short answer?  I don't have anyone else that would care to listen, and I don't mean to imply anyone here would.  Basically it's just an easier version of what I usually write and then throw away.

I remember being optimistic coming into this year.  Covid will die down, life will gradually return to normal, and I can get my life back together.  Only the first one might be true.  As for normality, I'm not sure what that means anymore.  Life hasn't moved on at all (I'll expand on that) and getting my life together?  Must've been some dream I dreamed a long time ago.

For those who don't know me already, I have Major Depressive Disorder.  Unfortunately, there haven't been any treatments (medication or otherwise) that have worked for me.  So I kinda have to deal with it on a day-to-day basis.  Some days aren't too bad, for sure, but some days I wonder how I even made it through them.  In those instances minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days.  And when I'm stuck in this vortex, I have 0 motivation and 0 ambition.  Towards anything at all.

I'm hopeful of the future, but not for any rational reasons.  I hope the apocalypse does happen, wipe out this stain on this otherwise beautiful, 1 in 1million planet.  I'm hopeful that technology reaches a point where we can no longer distinguish reality from fiction.  And more on the grounded and... I  don't know?  Loving part of me?  I hope medicine reaches breakthroughs where most of everyone you or I know doesn't die from a disease.  They're all wishful thinking.

You know what isn't?  This earth will be obliterated by the sun some day, I just wish his fiery a** would hurry up already.  I'm sick of these people.  I'm sick of these thoughts...

But mostly, I'm just sick.  

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You know what really annoys me about it?  This website is first and foremost a place where young people who've been hurt seek love and support.  That's what this website is supposed to be, even though there are other categories.

How did you get here?  Remember that.

It wasn't this---->

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Man, it's so easy to fake happiness.  We see it all the time but rarely do people actually empathize with the individual going through it.

This is called wearing a mask.  It's very well established in psychology how we hide our true selves from others in fear of feeling that pain again.

Well, I'm taking my mask off.  I want you to accept me as I am, hurt and broken, irrational, impulsive and selfish.  That is the real me, and I feeel guilt about it everyday that I live.

You have no idea the multiple burdens I carry while trying to live with my own.  But I muscle through it, I don't know anyway other to put it.  

I want you all to strive for life, to strive for more!  And you can do it.  Please. If not for yourself, someone you love.

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Thank you for listening and a MUCH BIGGER thank you to those here who got me past previous problems.  I love each and every one of you and can only hope that maybe my input helped you in any way.  

This community is filled with beautiful humans.  I love you all.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A lot of difficulty sleeping lately, but it's a different from my usual spells of insomnia.  I'm able to fall asleep pretty easily, but I keep being awakened by dreams.  It's rare for me to remember a single dream but lately I'm bombarded by them so much that I've thought something actually happened only to recall that was ONE of my dreams, not a statement I'm remotely used to.

The dreams are too... ordinary compared to my usual ones as well.  Most often when I do recall my dream it's absurdly fantastical, and you'd think I could figure out I'm dreaming but it's pretty rare that I can.  So the latest ones are far more convincing and I keep waking up and then slowly entering another dream that will repeat the cycle.

 

Last night I think I woke up 7 times in a 7 hour period and had 7 unique dreams.

 

I am tired.  I am beyond out of it lately.  And I'm so tired of my own organism being its own worst enemy.

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I would say I did my best facing what I did and still do.  My only regret is I could have tried harder, especially in my earlier years.  But I was a dumb young kid doing dumb kid things.  The future was the last of my concerns.

But I see them now...ways I could have stopped being a kid and been better, more helpful.  It stings me to even think about.  But it's my time now.  Time doesn't have the grip anymore.  I do.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Heh, amazing how it all comes back to you.  Regardless of what you've been through.  It's abundantly clear the universe couldn't give less of a f**k.

It all comes back to you.  And here I remain.  No one ever asked you to go it alone, but I'm glad you were able to accomplish so much with such little help.  I can say I'm proud, with all my chest and all my exclamation, that I never tried to be a fake.  I just was, and could have been better.   That's all.

My aunt died today.  My dad doesn't really comprehend it.  I don't understand anything.

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  • 3 weeks later...
  • 2 months later...

Well, everything just sucks right now, but I still look forward to the future.  For now though, I'm just absolutely drained.  Taking care of an ailing father, trying my best to comfort my mom and her own hardships, then also keeping a connection with my friends.  I feel like I'm a failure in every regard.  

I'm not suicidal, but I do think if I disappeared it'd be better for everyone.  I only see myself as wasted potential.  Worthless.

I'm not really good for anything.  There's nothing I'm good at.  I'm also lonely as hell despite actually having a decent amount of people around me.

I've been trying to think really hard about what I want in this life.  The answer is to be rid of it.

 

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I was at my friend's yesterday who has a lot of land, including a pond where they fish but just catch and release.  We were just chilling in our seats, having some brews, shooting the s**t.  For a bit he was on the phone with his wife but suddenly this entered my mind.

He got off the phone and I was like, "Hey, imagine being catch and release creatures.  You're just walking through your day, maybe get some food, thinking about your next few plans or maybe your problems when suddenly, "Ghaarp" you have a hook in your cheek pulling you into the other dimension.  You don't know what the hell is going on."

He started laughing being like, "Yeah, man.  You're pulled to an existence with creatures you could never understand, suddenly they're making glabagomba sounds while you're terrified, laughing and celebrating.  Then they just throw you back into your normal existence."

We're both just laughing so hard at the idea.  While we're essentially doing exactly that.  I don't really care about fish, don't even like to eat them, honestly, but the idea was so absurd of it happening to us that it was just hilarious (especially with how animated we were getting.)

We didn't catch a single thing while we were out there, and both of us were like, "probably for the better."

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There are so many things about this world and that we are normalized to and do regularly that are very very out there if you stop to truly think about it! 

Our whole existence is one wild reality that I think, honestly, most of us are in some various degrees of denial about. Me included. The actuality of the viciousness of it is very hard to face. 

 

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On 10/13/2022 at 11:11 AM, itsallgrand said:

There are so many things about this world and that we are normalized to and do regularly that are very very out there if you stop to truly think about it! 

Our whole existence is one wild reality that I think, honestly, most of us are in some various degrees of denial about. Me included. The actuality of the viciousness of it is very hard to face. 

 

I think it's part of the human condition to kinda ignore the sufferings of someone else.  Animals don't have to, they just 'do'.  Which makes our spark in evolution very interesting.  As intelligent as we are, I don't believe we're designed for the life we have to endure now, and as a result, we've become extremely good at ignoring and deflecting.

In other words, we're advanced to the point that physical survival is no longer our concern.  Imagine talking to someone 500 years ago.  Could you even communicate?  A lot of your thoughts and concerns would be immediately dismissed and *BAM*.  Now we're here.  Harsh reality.  Gotta survive.

On some level I guess we're still doing that.  Just trying to get by.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Damn, I had the craziest, super vivid moment of deja-vu this morning.  I was taking a walk, aroute I frequent, and along this walk there's a household with a lot of land and I believe they're horse breeders.  They have a massive fenced in area with dozens of horses just chilling, eating some supreme grass, I don't know.  But there's always at least a couple at the fence right next to the street.  

I don't ever really interact with them outside of talking to them, just saying 'what's up' or calling them pretty, just normal passerby comments and such.  But this morning I had a few peppermints in my pocket and I thought why not let the two chilling at the fence have 'em.

As soon as I gave one to the first horse, BOW, major dose of deja-vu.  It was so clear and weird how much I felt like I was reliving a moment.  So I treated the horses and continued my walk and had an image suddenly fire up in my mind of a red truck with passengers in the back waving as they drove by.  Kept walking and sure enough, exactly that happens.  It's been in my head all day.

Deja-vu is such a strange phenomenon and one I don't think can be rationally explained.  I essentially read the future as a by-product of somehow having a memory of something that I didn't live through.  Its crazy.

Just thought I'd share.

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29 minutes ago, LikeWater said:

Damn, I had the craziest, super vivid moment of deja-vu this morning.  I was taking a walk, aroute I frequent, and along this walk there's a household with a lot of land and I believe they're horse breeders.  They have a massive fenced in area with dozens of horses just chilling, eating some supreme grass, I don't know.  But there's always at least a couple at the fence right next to the street.  

I don't ever really interact with them outside of talking to them, just saying 'what's up' or calling them pretty, just normal passerby comments and such.  But this morning I had a few peppermints in my pocket and I thought why not let the two chilling at the fence have 'em.

As soon as I gave one to the first horse, BOW, major dose of deja-vu.  It was so clear and weird how much I felt like I was reliving a moment.  So I treated the horses and continued my walk and had an image suddenly fire up in my mind of a red truck with passengers in the back waving as they drove by.  Kept walking and sure enough, exactly that happens.  It's been in my head all day.

Deja-vu is such a strange phenomenon and one I don't think can be rationally explained.  I essentially read the future as a by-product of somehow having a memory of something that I didn't live through.  Its crazy.

Just thought I'd share.

For a span of several years I had this phenomenon daily. It was very strange. Now I only have a few occurrences a year. 

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I've had several very minor bouts of deja-vu, but only a few times where it was strikingly vivid, mess with my mind and give me chills sort of stuff.

23 hours ago, boltnrun said:

Can you astral project? I'm not being facetious, I'm sincerely asking. I was able to as a child and recently my ability has come back.

No, I don't think so.  The closest I can relate is that in many of my dreams, I don't have my normal PoV.  I have a lot of dreams where it's like I'm a spirit watching myself go through the dream.  And almost every time I do dream that way, I don't even question it in the dream.  As if it's something that just makes sense when it clearly doesn't.

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  • 10 months later...
Quote

 

So play the game, have no shame.

I wish I could remember your name

But I don't really have a conscience or did you believe this was truly beyond us?

Well I guess I'll just disappear too, should remind you of everything you do.

But don't get complacent, I'll easily make you a replacement.

Wish you could see the side that made me say this. Hope I'll remind you of how the taste is.

 But it's not fair to put it all on you, I'm just as shameful too.  Just color me blue, you don't like me but I still like you.

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