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A Maybe But Probably Not Journal


LikeWater
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I wanna start off this thought vomit with... wow, a 'club' for journals?  As if the site hadn't already ruined itself trying to appeal to zoomers.

Regardless, let's get into why I'm here.  Short answer?  I don't have anyone else that would care to listen, and I don't mean to imply anyone here would.  Basically it's just an easier version of what I usually write and then throw away.

I remember being optimistic coming into this year.  Covid will die down, life will gradually return to normal, and I can get my life back together.  Only the first one might be true.  As for normality, I'm not sure what that means anymore.  Life hasn't moved on at all (I'll expand on that) and getting my life together?  Must've been some dream I dreamed a long time ago.

For those who don't know me already, I have Major Depressive Disorder.  Unfortunately, there haven't been any treatments (medication or otherwise) that have worked for me.  So I kinda have to deal with it on a day-to-day basis.  Some days aren't too bad, for sure, but some days I wonder how I even made it through them.  In those instances minutes feel like hours and hours feel like days.  And when I'm stuck in this vortex, I have 0 motivation and 0 ambition.  Towards anything at all.

I'm hopeful of the future, but not for any rational reasons.  I hope the apocalypse does happen, wipe out this stain on this otherwise beautiful, 1 in 1million planet.  I'm hopeful that technology reaches a point where we can no longer distinguish reality from fiction.  And more on the grounded and... I  don't know?  Loving part of me?  I hope medicine reaches breakthroughs where most of everyone you or I know doesn't die from a disease.  They're all wishful thinking.

You know what isn't?  This earth will be obliterated by the sun some day, I just wish his fiery a** would hurry up already.  I'm sick of these people.  I'm sick of these thoughts...

But mostly, I'm just sick.  

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Posted (edited)

You know what really annoys me about it?  This website is first and foremost a place where young people who've been hurt seek love and support.  That's what this website is supposed to be, even though there are other categories.

How did you get here?  Remember that.

It wasn't this---->

Edited by LikeWater
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Man, it's so easy to fake happiness.  We see it all the time but rarely do people actually empathize with the individual going through it.

This is called wearing a mask.  It's very well established in psychology how we hide our true selves from others in fear of feeling that pain again.

Well, I'm taking my mask off.  I want you to accept me as I am, hurt and broken, irrational, impulsive and selfish.  That is the real me, and I feeel guilt about it everyday that I live.

You have no idea the multiple burdens I carry while trying to live with my own.  But I muscle through it, I don't know anyway other to put it.  

I want you all to strive for life, to strive for more!  And you can do it.  Please. If not for yourself, someone you love.

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Thank you for listening and a MUCH BIGGER thank you to those here who got me past previous problems.  I love each and every one of you and can only hope that maybe my input helped you in any way.  

This community is filled with beautiful humans.  I love you all.

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  • 2 weeks later...

A lot of difficulty sleeping lately, but it's a different from my usual spells of insomnia.  I'm able to fall asleep pretty easily, but I keep being awakened by dreams.  It's rare for me to remember a single dream but lately I'm bombarded by them so much that I've thought something actually happened only to recall that was ONE of my dreams, not a statement I'm remotely used to.

The dreams are too... ordinary compared to my usual ones as well.  Most often when I do recall my dream it's absurdly fantastical, and you'd think I could figure out I'm dreaming but it's pretty rare that I can.  So the latest ones are far more convincing and I keep waking up and then slowly entering another dream that will repeat the cycle.

 

Last night I think I woke up 7 times in a 7 hour period and had 7 unique dreams.

 

I am tired.  I am beyond out of it lately.  And I'm so tired of my own organism being its own worst enemy.

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I would say I did my best facing what I did and still do.  My only regret is I could have tried harder, especially in my earlier years.  But I was a dumb young kid doing dumb kid things.  The future was the last of my concerns.

But I see them now...ways I could have stopped being a kid and been better, more helpful.  It stings me to even think about.  But it's my time now.  Time doesn't have the grip anymore.  I do.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Heh, amazing how it all comes back to you.  Regardless of what you've been through.  It's abundantly clear the universe couldn't give less of a f**k.

It all comes back to you.  And here I remain.  No one ever asked you to go it alone, but I'm glad you were able to accomplish so much with such little help.  I can say I'm proud, with all my chest and all my exclamation, that I never tried to be a fake.  I just was, and could have been better.   That's all.

My aunt died today.  My dad doesn't really comprehend it.  I don't understand anything.

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