When to tell my ex about the awful thing I did to cope with her leaving...

[Cynder]

This is something that has really been weighing on me lately.  Maybe it's because I'm currently unemployed and have all kinds of time to think about things.  But just some background...  My ex is the love of my life.  almost 5 months ago she suffered from a nervous breakdown and our relationship ended.  At that time I didn't know she had a nervous breakdown.  I just thought I did something wrong that she thought couldn't be fixed, and so she left.  She left without any explanation and she blocked me everywhere.  I was basically ghosted.  Well, on December 1st she reached out to me to apologize.  We've been talking here and there ever since.  Just incase this needs clarification, we aren't in constant contact.  The last time we talked was on Christmas and the last time before that was December 16th.  So it's not like I'm up her ass all day every day.  We do want to get together and talk face to face, but she said she still wants to do some work on herself before that happens.  And I'm completely fine with this. 

Now for the thing that's bothering me...  During the time we were no contact... I thought I would never see or speak to her again.  I am a creative person and I've always had a vivid imagination. I won a writing contest and had a short story published when I was 12.  One night I was sitting at home alone, feel really depressed.  My ex lived and interesting life and she had a lot of good stories.  Well, I remembered this story she told me about something that happened to her as a teenager.  And I made some changes, and wrote a short story based on this one story she told me.  The story was shocking and really violent.  (Her interesting life hasn't been all sunshine and roses.  Interesting doesn't always mean happy.) 

Well, from that story, came another story... and now I have about 3/4ths of a novel written that was inspired by something she told me happened to her as a teenager.  Of course, the only thing in the whole thing that is based on what she told me is that one story.  The rest is all my own imagination.  One of the main characters is based on her.  But only based on.  I didn't just insert her into the story.   My ex is a trans woman.  And one big thing that's different about the character I based on her and her is that character is male.  The story she told me that inspired this whole thing happened when she was a teenager and still identified as male.  I made her character male for two reasons mainly...  First reason was because it helped me keep things more separate from real life.  I don't feel like I'm writing about her.  I'm writing about someone she inspired.  And the second reason was because I just don't know if I can write a trans character accurately.  I've always tried to write what I know.  And I have never been in their shoes.  So there's no way I could understand what they deal with. 

At the time, I didn't think I would see or speak to her again.  This was a coping mechanism.  I post my work on Reddit pretty regularly and this gained a little bit of a following over there.  Every time I would post a new chapter, people would go gaga over it. And reading people's comments, etc was something that really put me in a good mood.  I would post a new chapter in the morning before I went to work, and all day long I would see all these notifications popping up on my phone.  Then when I would go home and read them, it made me forget about my ex for a little while.  

But now, there's the question of what I should do about it if her and I get back together.  I will have tot ell her.  I wouldn't keep something like this from someone I'm with.  It could go either way.  She will either be flattered or she will be hurt.  This isn't some smear against her, either.  It's not like I wrote this whole thing as an attack on her.  It's a story mostly about crime that takes place in a small town.  The character I based on her is one of the more sympathetic characters.  They are written mostly in a positive way. 

I have thought about deleting all the files, etc...  I could just erase the whole thing from existence.  But I would still know. 

I know there are people on this forum who love to hate me.  I know there are people who are going to read this and think I am only seeking validation.  That's not the case.  I know what I did was really bad and I'm not asking people to pat me on the back and tell me it wasn't.  I am just wondering, if her and I start talking about getting back together, how should I bring this up?  I would rather tell her before it ever gets that far.  We are talking about meeting face to face when we are both ready.  Should I tell her then?  I'm also posting about it just to get it out, too.  Because it's been something that's really bothered me lately. 

I am also afraid she will want to read it.  Idk...  I will post my work where a lot of strangers can see it if I get to remain anonymous.  But anyone close to me reading any of my work gives me a lot of anxiety.  So it isn't just this body of work.  It's anything. 

I know I shouldn't be looking this far ahead.  My gut tells me eventually her and I will be back together, though, and as an overthinker, I am thinking of all the things that will have to be addressed, talked about when that happens. 

Thanks to anyone who reads this and replies.  It's been on my mind a lot. 

[Coily]

If you two got back together then maybe after things returned to normal in a few months. Other than that, don't mention your work of fiction. You found inspiration from a story of her's and evolved it independently from there, you could have been just as inspired by a post in an internet forum.

[DancingFool]

I'm genuinely confused on why you think that this is something terrible that you've done?

Virtually all fiction is inspired by something or someone. What makes it fiction is exactly what you did - develop it way beyond the story that originally inspired you.

 

[Cynder]

11 minutes ago, DancingFool said:

I'm genuinely confused on why you think that this is something terrible that you've done?

Virtually all fiction is inspired by something or someone. What makes it fiction is exactly what you did - develop it way beyond the story that originally inspired you.

 

Well, I feel bad because the story that inspired it was something traumatic that happened to her.  And because I kept her character male. 

 

[DancingFool]

1 minute ago, Cynder said:

Well, I feel bad because the story that inspired it was something traumatic that happened to her.  And because I kept her character male. 

 

Well....the thing is that it's not actually about her and that's kind of the point. While you were inspired by the idea/story, ultimately it is all you, your imagination, your story, your work of fiction. It would be different if it was her biography or specifically about her but it isn't. I really don't see that you've done anything wrong here.

[Batya33]

What would inform my decision was whether she told me this in confidence and/or whether readers would recognize your ex as the fictional character (and how your ex would feel about that).  

[Cynder]

5 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

What would inform my decision was whether she told me this in confidence and/or whether readers would recognize your ex as the fictional character (and how your ex would feel about that).  

It's hard to say really, as far as her telling me in confidence.  She didn't tell me it was a secret or to never repeat it.  But it also wasn't something she was proud of either and it's not something I would go around repeating.  It was a violent situation, but she wasn't the victim, she was the aggressor.  In my story I took the violence way further than what actually happened in real life. 

And I don't think anyone would recognize her.   Her character is male.  The name is different.  Physically her character looks like a male version of her.  But I didn't get super detailed and start describing distinguishing things like tattoos or anything.  Hair color/eye color are the same and the body type is the same. 

[Batya33]

52 minutes ago, Cynder said:

It's hard to say really, as far as her telling me in confidence.  She didn't tell me it was a secret or to never repeat it.  But it also wasn't something she was proud of either and it's not something I would go around repeating.  It was a violent situation, but she wasn't the victim, she was the aggressor.  In my story I took the violence way further than what actually happened in real life. 

And I don't think anyone would recognize her.   Her character is male.  The name is different.  Physically her character looks like a male version of her.  But I didn't get super detailed and start describing distinguishing things like tattoos or anything.  Hair color/eye color are the same and the body type is the same. 

Oh I totally get that discretion can be implied.  But if she affirmatively said "never repeat this to anyone" I might have a different view.  I think it's fine. It's fiction.  I've written creatively many times.  I would think most writers base their fictional characters on at least a composite of people they know if not a particular person.  Sounds like you used it as a jumping off point not as a blow by blow copy of what happened, so to speak.  

[Cynder]

3 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

Oh I totally get that discretion can be implied.  But if she affirmatively said "never repeat this to anyone" I might have a different view.  I think it's fine. It's fiction.  I've written creatively many times.  I would think most writers base their fictional characters on at least a composite of people they know if not a particular person.  Sounds like you used it as a jumping off point not as a blow by blow copy of what happened, so to speak.  

Most of my characters are based on people I know.  I have even used people I know and not even changed anything about them.  But those are always people who don't play a huge role in the story.  Like, I had a scene between a character and a gas station attendant once.  My cousin worked at a gas station at the time, so I just made my cousin the gas station attendant.  I know this Hippie lady who does Tarot readings at a lot of the festivals I do.  I made her the owner of a health food store also.

I actually posted one of my recent stories on here yesterday.  I figured the crowd here would be an interesting audience, lol. 

[catfeeder]

8 hours ago, Cynder said:

I will have tot ell her.  I wouldn't keep something like this from someone I'm with. 

In your shoes, I would challenge this whole premise.

It sounds like something I'd make up, like, I would never step on a crack--because if I did, I'd have to tell my mother.

Every character ever written is based on somebody or a composite of people. So what?

Those people can be real or imagined or fantasies about real people.

That's not exactly a betrayal, ya know.

Careful of what kind of drama you layer upon an already difficult situation.

Decide why you'd want to create out of thin air more barriers to harmony--are you afraid of going there?

Sounds like sabotage. I'd question WHY.