I'm struggling with letting my ex go. I know she's no good for me but it's hard when she's still my best friend.

[NotPerfect]

Hello everyone I want to start with saying thank you for taking some time for me today. I genuinely appreciate it. I've wanted to post here for a few weeks but it can be hard to open up but I want to get through this. I know a lot of you do care and I'm thankful for this community.

As it stands my ex and I are in some weird limbo where we want to be with each other but there are things that are causing the relationship to seem impossible.

I can't seem to trust her at all. There's been a good few instances of her flirting or pictures and saying she wanted some guys *** with different men a few of which were ex boyfriends. This of course caused me to break up with her. However this was still very hard for me. I want to elaborate a bit on the relationship as I was not perfect either.

Before we dated we did some Chaturbate streaming with another girl, a friend of ours, and I grew to like my ex as a partner. We started dating and I told her I didn't want to do it anymore. I didn't want to show her off in that way and wanted to pursue other career paths and have a relationship just between the two of us as we already were spending most nights together at my place. She agreed as she has a son and wants a more solid family life but agreed to quit Chaturbate reluctantly. I allowed her to keep her FetLife profile as long as she included me(Dom/Sub thing) and wasn't revealing her private parts. I was not controlling about this I just told her for me this is a requirement as I don't feel comfortable with it. She did however get upset with me every couple weeks and say she wished we still were doing chaturbate and would push it on the things she'd post on her FetLife asking me and me having to say no I'm not comfortable with those revealing pictures when I've always been very clear with my boundaries.

During the first few months of our relationship I grew an opioid addiction with her but for me was a bigger issue and has thus been solved(so happy about this) with the help of my doctor, family, and her.

During the months of this time I found out about her talking to other men. I don't entirely blame her as I definitely was showing some of my worst but of course it still hurts. I was always trying to get through and I always made sure she knew I appreciated her. However I could tell she was distracted. I did the thing and looked through her phone and found what I was afraid of. We split up and I wasn't strong enough to keep my distance. I don't have many friends that live here anymore so the loneliness is a lot for me.

We've communicated clearly that we'd both like something more serious as we're both 30 and that she understands how that has hurt me and is sorry. However, I've found her again talking with the same men and new people she meets; pictures, I want your ***, blah blah garbage. We aren't "dating" but I've been seriously trying to work on things and she's told me the same yet I continue to find these secrets. Since then she has changed her password of course and that's fine I don't want to do that anymore, it was wrong of me. I've just done my best to trust she's been honestly trying and focusing on myself.

So at one point she asked me about how I felt about her FetLife and I told her honestly it's always bothered me and she made it seem like she understood. She asked me if I'd want her to deactivate it and I told her yes but I don't want to be controlling. She said she didn't feel it was and so I assumed she did.

Well we went to a friend's wedding a few weeks ago and had so much fun, things were going well for a while at this point. I was going to tell her I wanted to be an item again officially. We even made a new friend there. Some guy who was newer to town and needed some buddies. We had common interests so that's great. Except he's talked to her every day and hasn't been any kind of friend to me. I've tried reaching out but I could easily see there wasn't any effort. So one day she gets off work and normally calls me and tells me what's up especially since she was borrowing my car. She didn't respond for some hour or so but then told me she had gone to his house to hang out after work. This instantly made my very very uncomfortable. I said to myself it's just in you're head so I was like cool hope it was fun maybe I can come next time.

I still felt really uncomfortable and decided to check if she still has FetLife up and we'll it was and she had a new friend who happened to be the same age and location as our new friend. It really upset me. I was starting to feel like our relationship was getting to a point we could do it again but seeing that felt untrustworthy. I told her that was it and that I can't do it anymore. She told me it wasn't anything like that and that his last relationship they were swingers and she wanted to show him the website. Sure cool, but you're also his only friend and you've got a bunch of stuff on there, me being completely removed from it and new stuff too I didn't know since I never bothered. Let's be real here. I doubt he's just like "yes indeed nice pictures, good culture" nahhhhhh, unzips pants.

This same week she has a dinner plan all of a sudden with a new guy friend on Friday that I was noticing she was texting alot lately. Again, making me uncomfortable doubting myself as to why I'm trusting this girl. I guess the guys going through a divorce and she just wanted to have dinner and talk? Doesn't at all make things better. Then going to a wedding from Saturday to Monday right after. Well her "ride" to the wedding was gonna drop her off Friday and get her on Monday after the wedding stuff. I thought it was so weird she didn't bother to ask me for a ride as she would have absolutely asked me to without a doubt. She said I had said no months before but definitely didn't remember that. Well that rude was an ex bf who I found her picture sent to those months back before which she said was an "accidental sending". Sure whatever I'm trying to trust here so I'm ignoring it. Turns out he wasn't her ride but he was there as part of the wedding too, her date? Idk? Which made a lot make sense for the ride thing. At this point everything feels like lies. I don't know what to believe what to even know. Has it been lies this whole time? I told her I couldn't do it anymore but she tells me let's just be friends. I just want friends but still wants to sleep over, wants to cuddle, ask me for kisses, the affectionate ***. Tells me she's sad this is happening and I'm like are you willing to quit all that to be with me. She tells me she has to think about it but it's been weeks and she acts like everything's all good. I've been out of town on vacation so I figured this is a good time to figure it out.

I looked on her fetlife again earlier and saw some new Christmas post saying something like

⚠️Mildly vulgar details coming⚠️

 

 

 

"I saw on Facebook “if you jerked off to me this year, you owe me a Christmas gift” I'm curious." Of course someone said how would I go about payment and she replied with like a $5 gift card"

So I don't think she's been thinking about taking me seriously at all. I don't want to do this anymore. It hurts a lot because she is my best friend but I feel like she needs to tell me straight, "hey it's not going to happen and I'll have self control from now and we're just friends" instead it's like I feel the weight of the decision on me. She's not going to leave, she's comfortable with my affection but wants to keep getting attention elsewhere too. Shes said please let me stay the night after these things and I just want one more good night. That's just not fair. And I'm weak to this as I really am very lonely.

I come back into town on the 27th and I feel things need to change.

Any advice in any way would be so incredibly appreciated. If I'm wrong in anyway please tell me as well.

I just want to learn from this.

 

[greenfox4]

You did the right thing in setting your boundaries, however if she is constantly breaking them and going behind your back then can you really trust her? and if not do you really want to continue pursuing her?

If you lay out what your boundaries are and she's constantly breaking them, yet you're still seeing her and being affectionate you are teaching her that her behaviour acceptable, and she will more than likely continue to walk all over you.

 

 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, NotPerfect said:

wanted to pursue other career paths

Is this how she supports herself and her child?

 If you want someone who's not into all this you'll have to stop visiting sex cams, fetish sites, etc. Basically you found what you found and met who you met because you were there.

If you want monogamy and cleaner living you'll have to skip visiting sex cam sites and choose different types of women. It unrealistic (because of your possessiveness) to expect her to change.

[NotPerfect]

Forgot to quote.

[NotPerfect]

58 minutes ago, bluemax44 said:

You did the right thing in setting your boundaries, however if she is constantly breaking them and going behind your back then can you really trust her? and if not do you really want to continue pursuing her?

If you lay out what your boundaries are and she's constantly breaking them, yet you're still seeing her and being affectionate you are teaching her that her behaviour acceptable, and she will more than likely continue to walk all over you.

 

 

I see. That does seem likely to happen. Would it be best to cut her out of my life entirely? Friendship seems difficult but we've been friends a long time and I'm not quite excited about being lonely. 

[NotPerfect]

41 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this how she supports herself and her child?

 If you want someone who's not into all this you'll have to stop visiting sex cams, fetish sites, etc. Basically you found what you found and met who you met because you were there.

If you want monogamy and cleaner living you'll have to skip visiting sex cam sites and choose different types of women. It unrealistic (because of your possessiveness) to expect her to change.

I suppose wasn't clear about that.

I didn't meet her through the website. We've been friends since middle school we had ended up getting into that for a short time. She has a job with the county.

[Rose Mosse]

2 hours ago, NotPerfect said:

it's like I feel the weight of the decision on me. ...I really am very lonely.

So accept it and make the decision. If you've ever wanted something different for yourself or for your life to change, make that decision.

Don't expect someone else to make it for you or make it easy for you, least of all her. 

The world isn't a bed of roses and neither are dysfunctional and toxic relationships like this one. What you want and expect and what is happening are two very different realities. 

Come at this from a different perspective and take more ownership of your life. Steer your own ship. Let go of people who don't add to your happiness and joy or whatever you are working on.

Also, finding support and staying sober, leading a drug free or addiction free life is a great thing. Don't shy away from finding a way out. 

[Andrina]

55 minutes ago, NotPerfect said:

Would it be best to cut her out of my life entirely? Friendship seems difficult but we've been friends a long time and I'm not quite excited about being lonely. 

Once you've crossed the line from friendship to romance, you can't go back again. That is, if you eventually want a new romance with someone else. I know I'd never date anyone who stayed buddies with an ex. The pool of women who would accept this is very small.

So why don't you have any other friends? Always keep up with friends even when you have a partner. One person can't be your everything in life. Try some new hobbies or meet up.com groups to meet new friends.

[greenfox4]

13 hours ago, NotPerfect said:

I see. That does seem likely to happen. Would it be best to cut her out of my life entirely? Friendship seems difficult but we've been friends a long time and I'm not quite excited about being lonely. 

You're afraid of letting things go because you've got a scarcity mindset. There's countless people out there to meet and hang out with, I know it's difficult at the moment because of covid but I feel the further this goes the more hurt you end up. You've already told her what you want/need and she obviously isn't prepared to make those changes.

It's upto you whether you cut her out entirely, it really depends if you can see her as just a friend or whether romantic feelings will linger. Personally, I'd take a break from contacting her for at least a week or two and see how you get on.

[Wiseman2]

16 hours ago, NotPerfect said:

During the first few months of our relationship I grew an opioid addiction with her 

How did you become dependent on opioids? Are you drinking using other drugs or sober?

Do you attend sobriety support groups and therapy?

If you want a happy healthy productive life, you'll need to distance yourself from toxic people like her.

You don't have to cut her out completely, but stop allowing her to use your car,etc.

When and if you are ready for a happier healthier life, you won't need drugs, other addictions and amateur porn stars as "friends". 

 

[NotPerfect]

Thank you for all the advice. You've all been very helpful and I appreciate all the perspectives greatly.

I'll be taking my distance and my brother in law agreed to start going to the gym with me so that should help a lot with my confidence and focused on better habits. I am and have been completely sober, no worries there. Thank you for all your concerns.