I think I am being gaslighted. I know I am being manipulated. Not sure.

[Honestly Me]

Hey everyone, 

First, let me give you a quick back story so you can understand my thought process here. I grew up with neglectful single parent. Two older sisters who were neglected as well, and survived a lot of events. 911 in D.C., Sniper shootings by my house in D.C., and then Hurricane Katrina. I suffered addiction problems and problems with forming good relationships because of my fears. 

Ok. Moving forward! I dated this guy, he was everything I always wanted! He treated me the ways that no one ever has. It was extremely nice and sweet. I loved everything about it. I loved him patience, I loved him attitude, I feel in love with him! I wanted to stand beside him because of all the opportunities before. 
We met when I started working as a server, he was a server, also. 

It became weird because I never had problems really getting along with others or managers. All of sudden, I had the worst time ever there. To the point they required me to work in the back (it ended up being bad.) 

I was in school finishing my degree, some times I would go to work exhausted. I did not have any support from the staff (it wasn't their job to support me but I did feel isolated.) This happened before I started dating this guy. This guy was nice to me still. He made sure I was taken care of. It was nice to have a friend there. 

After about 6 months, we started dating and things seemed wonderful! I slowly started to notice these behaviors that weren't there before or maybe I didnt fully pay attention. 

First one, was I borrowed some money from him and he seemed pretty ok with this. We agreed I would pay him back a certain amount in pay checks. 

Then, I went out with a guy at work and he did not like that. So, he threw this fit and forced me pay him back before I could even afford too. 

Then, one night, he waited by my car (I left to have time with one of the girls there that were giving a ride home to another co-worker.) They wouldn't let me go back to my car because they heard that this man did not leave. Come to find out, he waited by car until 4 am. (the restaurant closed at 11.)

Eventually, I did feel pressured into dating him. Things seem awesome thought. Well, he started calling me. Over and over and over and over and over. I mean about 40 to 50 times some nights because he "knew" I was awake. 

It caused problems with my friends; this is when he would do the majority of the calling. 

After this, I didn't realize I was slowly isolating myself to avoid these situations. If I did go out with my friends I would lie to him about the amount of drinks I had even. It was bad. 

So, eventually, we did break up. This he did not like! I have a daughter and her dad is not around. The guy I just broke up with sent her dad a message to tell him bad things about me. 

I was furious and hurt. I didn't speak to him for a year. 

In the meantime of this year, I tried to date other people or hang out with others. It didn't work. I found myself in the same fights that him and I would have. I found myself just being able to connect, or trying to force the connection. It started to develop in my head maybe I have some problems. 

I started working on myself. Which was amazing. I felt better and I was making friends. I was happy and laughing. 

Him and I started chit chatting as friends and he seemed to be maturing and understanding his actions. 

I deceided why not give this another try. At first same thing, great feeling. Amazing connection. I asked him why did he message her dad. His response gave me chills and I felt like I couldn't express my anger with him because I "forgave" him already. He claims he did it because I hurt him. 

He hurt me; because I hurt him. 

Instead of talking about it. 

This did not sit well with him. We started fighting, in the fights I noticed the gaslighting behavors. I expressed how I felt and was having a hard time connecting. Yes, I did lose my temper. Yes, I did talk over him. 

He would speak in an aggressive tone and I went to auto defense mode. Then, he would say "I am acting like this because of you...","I do not feel appreciated because of you...","you know how much I hate to be on the phone but I do this because of you.."

Well, after the last fight, I pointed out that it is really stressing me out and causing me to have problems with my skin picking. He took this as an attack and said "Well, I can stab a knife in my hard to hurt myself it would matter because you do it."

After that I broke. 

I feel done. 

I feel confused because I know people fight and argue. I grew up in an abusive household and sometimes I think. It isn't this. Maybe I am being paranoid. People do say things when they are upset. 

I asked him "If he feels unappreciated because I do not match the efforts he gives me." He responded with yes. I asked about the manipulative behavior , he even admitted here that he has this problem. He needs to work on this. I am glad he acknowledged this. To wait for him to work on it, just feels like I am agreeing to set myself up to be hurt. It will be my fault because he admitted to the problem. He is allowed to make mistakes.

Now, I just can't. I don't want to be in the same room with him. I want to trust him. I know he can a great person. I am at the point of I don't care how great you are. 

I want to stay fair. 

I don't know. 

There is a pattern of red flags. I know people can change. I am not sure if I should be supportive from a distance or if "talking" can help. At this point, talking scares me since he admitted to manipulating me constantly. I am always terrified of hurting his feelings. I just feel like I feel months backwards. This bothers me! 

If I talk to him, I hear things like "I want to have a chance to talk, I never get a chance because you are always talking, the things that bother you hurt me."

I feel so foolish and worse than ever. I haven't even reached out to friends because I feel shame that this situation has happened again. 

I do have low self esteem. I have never been married. My serious relationships have failed. I KNOW I do have problems and qualities I can work on to be a better partner. I communicate this. Wouldn't he be supportive? This does not feel like support by any means. 

[SooSad33]

3 hours ago, Honestly Me said:

I just can't. I don't want to be in the same room with him. I want to trust him. I know he can a great person. I am at the point of I don't care how great you are. 

I want to stay fair. 

I don't know. 

There is a pattern of red flags. I know people can change. I am not sure if I should be supportive from a distance or if "talking" can help. At this point, talking scares me since he admitted to manipulating me constantly. I am always terrified of hurting his feelings. I just feel like I feel months backwards. This bothers me! 

Okay.. read this stuff you are saying....

You don't want to be in the same room as him?  You do see red flags.  He has admitted manipulating you.. make you feel guilt, etc.

Yes, people can change, but this is how HE is.  No changing is possible really.. Unless he really wants to, but IMO, this is what you get.  This is their behaviour.. Thing is, is do you want to stick around for it?

You fear hurting his feelings.. probably due to your own past.  One should not fear their partner.

 

 

3 hours ago, Honestly Me said:

I do have low self esteem. I have never been married. My serious relationships have failed. I KNOW I do have problems and qualities I can work on to be a better partner. I communicate this. Wouldn't he be supportive? This does not feel like support by any means. 

 

Right, You have low self esteem.

Would he be supportive?  I doubt it, being the person he is.  So, i say don't expect much!  Not with his attitude and all.

I suggest you be on your own a good while and just focus on your own self & well being.

Why would you want to be involved with someone who makes you feel bad etc?

Does not make you feel good at all, does it?  His behaviour will only add up on your issue's.. You don't want that.  No one does!

So, you be done with this with him.  You keep your distance and move on- completely!

And look at getting some therapy for YOU.  And if you have mental health issue's eg. depression, anxiety, etc, you can always talk to our doctor about this.  And as I mentioned, don't look at getting involved again for a while.. Learn some self love and enjoy time with friends and/or family instead.  Do your own things.  Get out there in nature, get a hobby, etc.  🙂 

[Bluemoon456]

You don't need to be anywhere near this man. He gaslights you, he manipulates you, and he has some real questionable actions. You can work on yourself and work on becoming the partner you want to be without him back in your life. 

[Wiseman2]

How did he know your child's father's contact info.

Don't borrow money from people. Ask trusted friends and family for help.

Make sure you are getting regular child support for your child and have an organized custody/visitation schedule.

Protect your child. Stop hanging around weirdos like this.

If you still work together, avoid him. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Get a restraining order against him to protect yourself and your child.

[Honestly Me]

8 hours ago, SooSad33 said:

Okay.. read this stuff you are saying....

You don't want to be in the same room as him?  You do see red flags.  He has admitted manipulating you.. make you feel guilt, etc.

Yes, people can change, but this is how HE is.  No changing is possible really.. Unless he really wants to, but IMO, this is what you get.  This is their behaviour.. Thing is, is do you want to stick around for it?

You fear hurting his feelings.. probably due to your own past.  One should not fear their partner.

 

 

 

Right, You have low self esteem.

Would he be supportive?  I doubt it, being the person he is.  So, i say don't expect much!  Not with his attitude and all.

I suggest you be on your own a good while and just focus on your own self & well being.

Why would you want to be involved with someone who makes you feel bad etc?

Does not make you feel good at all, does it?  His behaviour will only add up on your issue's.. You don't want that.  No one does!

So, you be done with this with him.  You keep your distance and move on- completely!

And look at getting some therapy for YOU.  And if you have mental health issue's eg. depression, anxiety, etc, you can always talk to our doctor about this.  And as I mentioned, don't look at getting involved again for a while.. Learn some self love and enjoy time with friends and/or family instead.  Do your own things.  Get out there in nature, get a hobby, etc.  🙂 

I definitely agree. 

 

I have hobbies. I work on being better every day.  It does frustrate me that my past i have suffered with low self esteem caused a lot of problems. 

That's the amazing part of life. We all go through problems and can come out on the strong side.

I do not know much about relationship handling. I needed to verify that I was in the right mindset. 

I never had a good relationship.  I know I have my flaws to work on and I hold myself accountable for those.  

I know everyone has their flaws.  

I wanted to make sure, I was thinking clearly. 

[Honestly Me]

5 hours ago, Bluemoon456 said:

You don't need to be anywhere near this man. He gaslights you, he manipulates you, and he has some real questionable actions. You can work on yourself and work on becoming the partner you want to be without him back in your life. 

Thank you!

I just wanted some help and understanding.  I appreciate you taking the time! 

I do work on myself.  You guys have no idea. It is pretty amazing how much can change when you strive for better. 

[Wiseman2]

6 minutes ago, Honestly Me said:

 I am in a bad relationship 

Angry much? lol. Get your life organized. Have you considered anger management classes or help for any substance abuse or mental health issues?

[Coily]

You need to take a massive step away from this guy! This guy is nothing but harm and trouble for you in the long run. Any interaction with him seems to drag you back to a place you don't want to be, after working hard on yourself do you really want to be remade for someone else?

Hopefully when you cut him off, you take many steps for your protection and that of your child. His waiting by your car until 4AM and the invasive calls, he thinks he owns you from those actions.

 

[Honestly Me]

1 hour ago, Coily said:

You need to take a massive step away from this guy! This guy is nothing but harm and trouble for you in the long run. Any interaction with him seems to drag you back to a place you don't want to be, after working hard on yourself do you really want to be remade for someone else?

Hopefully when you cut him off, you take many steps for your protection and that of your child. His waiting by your car until 4AM and the invasive calls, he thinks he owns you from those actions.

 

I am thinking the same thing.  The crazy phone calls stopped.  I worked HARD to better myself.  I started making new friends, I have started working in an amazing career opportunity, just so much positive has taken place since that last year.  

I agree.  I know I am responsible for what happened by going back.  I think, I truly have learned the means of manipulation. 

I have never been put in this situation before. 

I need to take a step away and refocus on myself. 

Thank you for your words! 

[DancingFool]

7 minutes ago, Honestly Me said:

I am thinking the same thing.  The crazy phone calls stopped.  I worked HARD to better myself.  I started making new friends, I have started working in an amazing career opportunity, just so much positive has taken place since that last year.  

I agree.  I know I am responsible for what happened by going back.  I think, I truly have learned the means of manipulation. 

I have never been put in this situation before. 

I need to take a step away and refocus on myself. 

Thank you for your words! 

A huge part of working on yourself and sticking to all that work is that you leave ALL the toxic connections, be it friends, work places, or romantic partners, behind you and completely cut them out of your life for good. Reason is that when you are not in a good place, you will inevitably attract people who are not good for you. This guy was stalking you and yet you ended up dating him even if deep down you kind of felt coerced. You were coerced and he is still trying to manipulate you now.

As for hoping that people change....that kind of hope can land you in a great deal of trouble. What I mean is that normal sane people can and do change. You being a case in point. However, assorted psyho/socio paths, narcissists, various abusers and control freaks do not change ever and usually get worse with age. Reason they don't change is that being who they are works for them brilliantly.

They can use, abuse, manipulate other people for their own gain and pleasure and have no reason to stop that. They don't even see other people as human, but rather as appliances. The most dangerous thing you can do is sit across the table from someone who has shown you he is abusive, listen to him tell you how he has changed and actually believe him. He is 100% manipulating you by telling you exactly what you want to hear and passionately believe in because of your own experience in growth and change. This is essentially your blind spot and something to be very very aware of.

When it comes to relationships, choose people who don't need to change. They are good as they are and their flaws are minor things that don't bother you.

Finally, I think you need to be careful about telling yourself that you can't form relationships. You can.