Ex GF Tried Calling Me After A Month NC

[girltalkCA]

My ex left a voicemail on my phone last night stating she was in a mental hospital (she’s bipolar) doing OK, but wants to talk to me as a friend. She said she wants to let me know what’s been “going on “ and she was going to be discharged from the hospital tomorrow. It was also the 1 year anniversary of her brother's death.

My first reaction was, “ why are you calling me when we broke up 3 weeks ago”? Why do you need to “ tell me what’s been going on”? I got off that roller coaster ride. Doesn’t she realize or respect that I need time to heal and need to take care of myself and can’t just come to her rescue or beckon call. I know she was used to that when we were together but we’re not together anymore! And it’s too early to try and “ be friends “. I still love her and I also need to protect myself especially since she is probably still manic and I don’t know what will come out of her mouth that coukd be hurtful.

I feel torn and confused. Part of me feels guilty if I don’t reach back out while the other half wants to honor by boundaries. She then called me again this morning, so I decided to give her a call back. We spoke for about 30 min, she updated me on the last month...pretty much nothing has changed. She is still pretty elevated. She said she misses me and is still in love with me. She also said that she doesn't want to bother me or make me feel uncomfortable. I told her I am taking of myself and it's good that she is continuing to take care of herself.  

For some reason, even after the conversation, I still feel like I love her, care about her, but I have no desire to see her or start up anything with her. The thing I did notice was I told her it was OK for her to let me know how she's doing (i.e. when she gets out of the hospital...etc) That felt odd. Like I wanted to default back to our old toxic pattern of the roller coaster ride and her calling me for the latest "thrill" update. 

I think what propelled me to talk to her was that a part of me felt guilty and also scared that if I didn't talk to her, something bad would happen. I know that's not true and she has even told me many times that she is capable of taking care of herself. I feel so sad. Like wasted love that has nowhere to go...

I suppose the reason I am sharing this is to ask: Was what I did OK...reaching out to her briefly? Why do you think she reached out to me? Was it just because she was lonely or because she really wants to be with me?

 

[Seraphim]

You are being roped back in. Period. You cannot be friends with someone that you broke up with that you still love ,impossible. Stop being roped back in. 

[SooSad33]

28 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

My first reaction was, “ why are you calling me when we broke up 3 weeks ago”? Why do you need to “ tell me what’s been going on”? I got off that roller coaster ride. Doesn’t she realize or respect that I need time to heal and need to take care of myself and can’t just come to her rescue or beckon call. I know she was used to that when we were together but we’re not together anymore! And it’s too early to try and “ be friends “.

Unfortunately, you did respond to her 'calls'. And in some ways , I'm sure you wish you didn't..because it is over.

But, what's done is done.. and is something that NEEDS to be understood on both sides.

 

29 minutes ago, girltalkCA said:

Was what I did OK...reaching out to her briefly? Why do you think she reached out to me? Was it just because she was lonely or because she really wants to be with me?

Does it matter if it's because she really wants to be with you? ( your words).

You cannot be her emotional pillow.  Yes, she has to respect this, that you two are done. And no, you don't need to keep responding.

You both need time now to accept & heal from this.

 

[MissCanuck]

5 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

Why do you think she reached out to me?

Same reason she always does - she expects you to be her safety net.

It doens't matter if she really wants to be with you. Your relationship with her was toxic and highly dysfunctional. That has not and will not change. 

You need to cut ties with her completely, or you will never move on from this. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, girltalkCA said:

 . Part of me feels guilty if I don’t reach back out while the other half wants to honor by boundaries. 

She's not your patient. So using therapy phrases at her  such as "it's ok to let me know how you're doing" is actually your dependency on her.

You're deliberately leaving things wide open. She's not "doing anything to you", you're doing it to yourself for your own reasons.

If and when you get help to deal with your issues rather than point fingers and hide behind her mental illness, all this will continue.

It's self defeating to blame her chronically when you encourage her contact.