Couples Counselling

[duchesstigerlily]

I' m just wondering what people think about couple's counselling or marriage counselling? Has anyone ever had experience with it being successful or at least, making the relationship healthier?

 

My fiance and I have our first session on June 6th and I' m interesting in knowing what other people's experiences have been. Obviously we're committed to this relationship and want to iron out some issues, or at least find a better way to communicate and when we do fight, how to not blow it WAY out of proportion (people throwing things...leaving for a couple of hours or a night....etc)...which is a huge problem we have. We have tried to work out stuff on our own but keep hitting road blocks.

 

Thanks.

[Luciana]

I am going with my fiance too and it opens old wounds and can be very difficult. Especially if the therapist takes sides.

My whole conflict with my fiance this week started because of the Monday session. Old wounds about his ex-wife (who tried to get him back and harassed me to no end while he felt ambivalent the whole time) came back. I was not bothered by her anymore, for more than an year.

 

it all came back. That same day, he says he is going to buy a car in the city she lives now, and he was going to see his daughter. I asked him not to see her (just pick his daughter up at school and drop her off later) since I was feeling too raw from the old pain that she had caused me.

 

Instaed of reassuring me, he told me to shut up and left to the airport. I was very sad all day. He comes back and I ask him if he had seen her and he clams up. I think this is disrespectfula not caring for my feelings at all.

 

I am very sad and don't know what is going to happen. So beware: if you two have a past with fights and pain, it can be very hard on both. If not, I think it can be constructive.

[duchesstigerlily]

Well we definitely have past hurts and pain! Rather the let them fester we both want to get them out in the open and deal with them..but with a mediator...who can help clarify things etc. I think it would be harder for us in the long run not to deal with past issues...since they will only come back up to haunt us (they do now). Basically, anything that still comes up now is not "current" (meaning the bad stuff isnt still going on) and we have talked about it enough to know what the other is likely to say to our therapist (who actually did the marriage prep course we took!).

 

I' m just hoping that someone has actually seen this *make* improvements. I love my fiance so much and I know he loves me which is why we are so committed to make this work despite past wrongs.

 

Even though it can be difficult to deal with all this stuff, can you see where it may, potentially, help your relationship? Leaving the relationship is not an option for either of us.

[Luciana]

We have been to only 2 sessions together, and I don't know how much it will help. It felt good when the therapist said: "you two obviously care for each other so I think this relationship has a chance".

 

But she mostly listens, and asks us some obvious questions. I like it when she interferes and tells what we could have done instead.

 

So it can be good to make you as a couple come closer, but it can open a can of worms too. And I have heard of therapy separating couples (maybe because the anger came out too mcuh, or secrets, or the therapists takes sides which angers one person). Or the couple "competes" to show the therapist that he or she is right and the other one is the bad guy (or girl).

 

I don't know yet. Last Monday was a bad example of reliving old pains.

I will give it a chance. I do't know the difference between a good marital therapist and a bad one, since it's the first time.

 

Let me know what your experience is.

[poetsheart]

I too am currently undergoing couples therapy with my partner. I've been thinking is it worth it or not because it does open up a whole lot of issues and sometimes I am stunned by what my partner says....basically, what is happening for us is we are venting and the counsellor is listening and asking questions every now and then.... We have had four sessions so far, and I am unsure whether to continue or not.

 

I think if you are both wanting this then it's a great thing. You will be surprised by your partners point of view because listening with a 3rd party involved and restraining yourself can be difficult (that's what I find anyway)....

 

Good luck, keep me posted.... I'm in the same boat.

[duchesstigerlily]

Thanks for the replies and I will definitely keep everyone posted. We dealt with this therapist for our pre-marriage classes and she was fantastic...we both feel comfortable with her so that is half the battle.

 

I'm nervous about it, definitely, but hope that she will teach us better communication skills...because I find we fight over the silliest things just because we cant communicate about them properly. I'm very interested to hear what my fiance has to say about some topics and I know I have a lot to say that I feel I cant just because I know it will blow up into something ridiculous.

 

Maybe all counselling sessions start out with a lot of venting and getting it all out there and maybe after that it gets productive. I find it hard to be productive in this relationship when we have issues that are dragging us down.