Article on MSN today (Why he's not the marrying type)

[Luciana]

I thought this was interesting:

 

 

Why he's not the marrying type

 

 

By Jim Sulski

 

 

 

Brendan and Sharon have been dating since the late 1980s, when they met in college.

 

Every holiday, every birthday, every major event, Sharon was on pins and needles. Would Brendan finally pop the question, produce a ring and ask her to marry him? And every holiday, every birthday, every major event, he didn't.

 

Friends began to scoff at her and her family reminded her that her biological clock was clicking away.

 

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Edit

Provide a link here to copyrighted article being discussed.

[Hope75]

Hey,

 

What a great article! Thanks for sharing. I know some guys out there like this.

 

My cousin dated & lived with a guy named Tom for 8 years. Tom had been married before and it ended in ugly divorce. He told her up front he did not want to marry again.

 

For 8 years, she stayed with him, believing his feelings for her would change the way he felt about marrying again. On thier 8th anniversary, she gave him an ultimatum; marry me or leave.

 

He did not want to leave, so he married her.

 

Can anyone guess what happened next???

 

 

That's right! He fled less than 2 years later, filed for divorce.

 

It's sad when some women refuse to see the truth when it's staring them in the face.

[DN]

"I once got serious with a guy who was previously married and his big fear was being driven into bankruptcy again," recalls Marcia. "That's what kept him away from the altar."

 

He has gray hair, but he's still a 22-year-old emotionally

 

So he's immature because he got driven into bankruptcy by a divorce and is worried that may happen again.

 

Some guys never get past the incredible feeling of independence that comes with being able to stay up as late as they would like to, eat whatever they want, drop their dirty laundry wherever they want and not get yelled at. That's a hard pattern to break.

 

The alternative pattern being married to someone who is so controlling that she would yell at her husband if he does any of those things?

 

Seems to me that this article is more of a warning to men not to get married rather than an explanation to women as to why they don't want to.

[Hope75]

Oh, good point DN!

 

when I saw that last part you highlighted, the part about being yelled at for leaving dirty clothes/dishes around, I thought, "that sounds like I did before my guy and I split up!" Fortunately, I am learning to love me guy for who he is, which is a great guy, though slightly messy and disorganized. (I'm hyper organized and anal about cleanliness, but I've learned to relax and deal with it.)

[michelemybell]

I think some guys are like this because they have the "grass is greener" mentality. They are afraid that if they get married, they will never have the opportunity to be "in love" again and they forever will have to be with one person. I also know guys that have the "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free" mentality. There are so many women that will live with a guy, cook and clean for him, even have children...and they still wait. And I think the guy figures marriage isnt necessary, and he still has that sense of freedom of not being tied down.

I agree with you Hope75----Women just have to become smart in their lives and move on from a guy like this.

The good news is that there are plenty of good decent and nice REAL MEN who would like to get married and be with one person for the rest of their lives

[Minty80]

Well I think the gray hair but 22 emotionally is tied into the sentence below it, not the one on bankruptcy above it.

 

Also, there is a lot of room for compromise between leaving a huge mess everywhere and having a nagging wife. When you live with someone some personal habits do have to change or be adjusted and some people aren't willing to come to a compromise. Frankly I wouldn't want to live with or marry someone like that.

 

Oddly enough I could actually see my boyfriend in the first two paragraphs of the "signs". He is a total neatfreak and he does love his job. The difference is that he can also compromise, and while those things are important to him I still rank ahead of them and he demonstrates this frequently. If I fell second or third to his work or organization then it could definitely cause problems in the relationship.

 

That's going to be universally true, while of course you shouldn't lose yourself in just any old relationship if you want to work towards marriage then your partner should be your highest priority (or at least as high as possible, my boyfriend is understanding that he will always be #2 behind my kids). If work or keeping your stuff nice (or sloppy) is more important then that person will never be able to be in a good relationship nor would they want too.

[DN]

So this guy doesn't want to get married:

Some men aren't comfortable sharing their space and possessions with a woman, less alone sticky, smelly children that may come along. Here are a few signs that he prefers to be isolated: He's a perfectionist, he's extremely well organized and his place is cleaner and better decorated than yours is.

and neither does this guy:

Some guys never get past the incredible feeling of independence that comes with being able to stay up as late as they would like to, eat whatever they want, drop their dirty laundry wherever they want and not get yelled at. That's a hard pattern to break.

[Day_Walker]

I believe some of this stuff is self explanatory. You have to know and have some kind of idea of the type of person you are with male or female.

I have a problem with "starter" marriages, I just dont see the point in keep getting married at one time you have to realize that, its not the other person, its you.

Call me what you will but I am only getting married one time, if that doesnt work then I see no point in doing it again. For me its not about pain or hurt it just doesnt seem necessary. Its not something that I feel the need to hide this if Im ever in that situation I will let them know.

[kamurj]

Luciana, we can not just repost content from other sites as most content online (and offline) is copyrighted. thereforeeee, i removed most the articles, please edit your original post in this topic and provide us with the link to that article.

[Luciana]

It was on MSN this morning but now it isn't there any longer. I tried to search for it but couldn't find it. I found another one on the subject though:

 

link removed

[Cecelius]

While it's not my place or job to establish universal principles for all, this one societal default I, at least for myself, seriously object to:

 

That marriage is the ultimate goal, or , in the converse, that your relationship has not gone as far as it can go until you are married.

 

There are tons of posts on this board about this, but in this day and age, there is very little rational reason for any man to get married, except to raise children. Economically, emotionally, romantically and sexually, it is the exact opposite of what's good for most men. It needn't have anything to do with maturity or fear of committment.

[michelemybell]

Cecelius, you must not be married.

You need to speak with married men who dont have children and ask them the benefits of being married besides raising a family. I'm sure many will say that they didn't want to continuously wake up to another face every morning, they wanted stability in their lives and a constant companion. They want a home. A friend who (hopefully) will always be there. Someone to take care of you. Someone to support you emotionally when you are low---because your mommy and daddy wont always be there to do it.

And it does make absolute financial sense to marry, especially when your wife makes a decent income herself---especially if you live in the state I live in (California)!

[Cecelius]

If you paint it like that, it sounds great, but all of the things in that list of wants (and they are wants, I don't see much evidence that these are things that people actually get enough to outweigh the dangers) are things you can have without marriage.

[Luciana]

I agree with Michelle that, unless a man makes 6 figures, his wife's income is a blessing in this expensive world. They can build a better future together.

 

The benefits of marriage are out there: companionship, someone who you can be yourself with, someone who will help you in low moments or sickness, etc, etc. That you can rarely get from one night stands or flings. Paul McCarthy is a wealthy man who likes to have one woman by his side. Some men don't like to be alone, others live well alone and don't have a problem with switching new bodies every day. They actually don't want a intellectual match but just some pretty face and body who will say yes to their every demand (in exchange for some LV bag of course).

 

No, there are advantages in being in a stable relationship. Just look at link removed and other dating sites: those are all men looking for wives mostly!

 

It's not fun being alone. And trying to hook up with a different person everytime is just so damn exhausting.

[michelemybell]

Great post Luciana!

 

Like I said Cecelius, talk to married men (especially those without children) and ask them why they choose to get married other than childrearing and raising a family.

If all the benefits are the same with being in relationship vs. getting married, then why not get married??? It's all the same according to you, right?

The answer is simple: The only reason not to get married is to have the option of still looking around and leaving easily. You arent bound by marriage vows. You aren't making a lifelong commitment to one person. Instead of "FOREVER", you can live in "MAYBE" land.

I'm not blaming men for being scared---Women are just as scared and I notice a big trend of women sleeping around and not committing just as men do.

[DN]

I think many men are not worried about marriage - they are worried about divorce. They see their friends and colleagues losing their children, their home and a sizable part of their disposable income and don't want to run the risk of it happening to them.

[michelemybell]

DN, I see your point, but that can happen to even if you are not married. In some states, you are considered "married" after seven years of cohabitating--even if you dont take vows or sign a marriage contract. You still have to pay child support even if you arent married.

I guess the alternative is "shacking up" and producing children out of wedlock. What are the benefits of that? I guess that does benefit the guy, but the woman gets the raw end of the deal there.

[DN]

DN, I see your point, but that can happen to even if you are not married. In some states, you are considered "married" after seven years of cohabitating--even if you dont take vows or sign a marriage contract. You still have to pay child support even if you arent married.

I guess the alternative is "shacking up" and producing children out of wedlock. What are the benefits of that? I guess that does benefit the guy, but the woman gets the raw end of the deal there.

 

Not necessarily, if they stay together. And the co-habiting thing is also a problem, which is why some guys don't want to do that either. In BC, Canada a couple or three years ago, there was a case of a man who had lived with a woman for a few years. he had no involvement with her kids from other relationship/s, in terms of raising them or paying any expenses connected with them, he had not adopted them or anything remotely like that; but when they split she sued for and was awarded child support payments from him.

[michelemybell]

He was living with the woman and had "no involvement" with the kid? That sounds strange. In any event, that woman was stupid for living with a guy when she had children and wasn't married----I would never live with anyone if I had children, mainly for the fact that they will become emotionally attached and there is a good chance it wont work out.

I think that case in Canada is an exception rather than the rule. Most often if the man is not the biological father, he can walk away with no obligation of paying child support.

 

And yes, in many cases women get the raw end of the deal in a shack up situation.You've heard of the term "Why buy the milk when you can get the cow for free"? A guy will get the benefits of marriage (oftentimes a cook, a person who will clean up after him, and a sex partner) without having to commit. Women usually hang on in hopes of marriage. I've heard of so many cases where a woman living with a guy will waste years waiting for the guy, and oftentimes it doesn't lead to marriage.

Women just need to become smarter and say adios if they guy isn't interested in marriage if that's what she wants.

[DN]

He was living with the woman and had "no involvement" with the kid? That sounds strange. In any event, that woman was stupid for living with a guy when she had children and wasn't married----I would never live with anyone if I had children, mainly for the fact that they will become emotionally attached and there is a good chance it wont work out.

I think that case in Canada is an exception rather than the rule. Most often if the man is not the biological father, he can walk away with no obligation of paying child support..

 

Not in Canada - here, that ruling has set a precedent that other judges must follow, at least in BC, unless it is overturned on appeal.

[Luciana]

Women just need to become smarter and say adios if they guy isn't interested in marriage if that's what she wants

 

This sentence summarizes it all. Since there are more commitment phobic men than women (at least to my eyes), all women need to do is earn respect by not accepting a situation which is detrimental to her.

 

All of us have a time frame: some can wait 8 years for a guy to decide, some can only wait for 2 years depending on their life goals (like having children). If your needs are different than his, it's time to move on. There will be a guy out there who will want to marry you, period.

 

Still, this is easier said than done. My fiance was commitment phobic for years due to a failed marriage. I paid for his ex-wife's philandering. So you stay and stay until you reach your point of explosion. Mine was at 5 years. I left him, and after that he decided he didn't want to lose him.

 

Funny how some people only value you when they lose you.

[Cecelius]

Great post Luciana!

 

Like I said Cecelius, talk to married men (especially those without children) and ask them why they choose to get married other than childrearing and raising a family.

If all the benefits are the same with being in relationship vs. getting married, then why not get married??? It's all the same according to you, right?

 

Not really. Leaving is harder, and many people use the existense of the marriage itself to justify letting themselves go ("ah, I'll keep drinking...she can't leave me, we're married...").

 

Another thing I have to point out that most men do understand: the status of being married, and all the social legitimacy that goes with it, are the big drivers of getting married for many women. Meaning, it is easy for a man to conclude that his g/fs interest in getting married is more just that she wants to be married than that she wants to be with him.

 

I have nothing against the institution (and was in it for a long time). I just think that the downsides can't be ignored.

[Luciana]

I have to agree with Cecilius that the ring on the finger is of more importance to a woman than to a man.

First, for her self esteem, to show the world she is attractive enough to get a man to commit to her. That's why so many women give too much importance to the carats in the diamond.

Second, financial security. it's more common for the guy to make more money than the woman, and she usually has to downsize her career to make babies.

Third, women love the glamour of a wedding: the party, the dress, the fact that she is the queen that day. Some women dream about that day all their lives and don't rest until they get it, no matter who the groom is

 

I do see many women obsessed with getting married. I do feel that they are after the party more than the man...

 

Still, marriage is the best way society has to protect the family, to ensure children will have the proper care, to protect assets, to keep people from having sex with everyone, etc.

 

 

 

 

Despite it all, marriage is still a good way for society to protect families. To make sure children ha

[CityHunter]

You can get to the page at

link removed

 

[AlleyCat]

I found these articles very interesting. Thanks for posting them!

 

One thing that struck me was the statement that nearly half of the men surveyed claimed they wouldn't marry without living together first. How many of you feel this way?

 

Personally, I wanted to live together before getting married, possibly because I'm a child of divorce myself. Anyway, when I first mentioned the idea to my b/f over a year ago, he said he didn't want to live together before getting married. We've been living together for almost a year now, so convincing him is not an issue, but I'm still curious about whether you feel you must live together first before getting married.