Struggling

[The_Doc]

Heh All

 

6 weeks since the break-up and it still hurts like hell. The grief and sadness come and go like waves crashing on the shore. I still hope for a reconciliation but realise that there is nothing I can do to make her change her mind (we were together for 4 and 1/2 years).

 

I've gone for aa modified NC -- only responding to her communication not initiating it. But even this is ultimately unsatisfying. Juts sitting back and doing nothing... it seems so inactive rather than pro-active!

 

I feel like begging, pleading, driving up to her to woo her, or to try to 'shake her' out of this madness. I know this would be counterproductive.

 

I am trying meanwhile to rebuild my life, to look after 'me', 'rediscover me', keep myself busy. My friends have been great but its the times alone that echo the emptiness, especially last thing at night and first thing in the morning.

 

When I hear nothing from her I feel angry and disappointed, I feel that she has so quickly and easily forgotten me.

 

Do dumpers miss dumpees? This is the question that goes around and around in my head. Does she still think of me? Does she reminisce? I mean I can't help but not mention us when I talk to friends about things 'I' have done in the past. Past holidays, experiences etc etc. Surely the same is true for her?

 

I wonder if she has moments of doubt? Moments of regret. But of course you can never know.

 

I just feel that with ever day that passes the chances of reconciliation fade just that little bit more... and I know that in the majority of cases the dumper doesn't come back. Still its hard to exstinguish that flame that still flickers in my heart, to quash that slim hope that my love clings onto.

 

The Doc

[salmonhead_uk]

I have no advice here. You can only follow your heart I guess - and you seem to be doing pretty much what I am.

I've driven myself crazy. It's the beginning of the fourth week since my boyfriend dumped me. He says it wasn't dumping as that means not wanting someone in your life and he does want me in his life. I can be fine for a day, and terrible for 2 hours of another. My dreams are filled with him. I decided to watch camera footage of us that I had and it set me off again. His only reasons for breaking up are that we argued. Not constantly but I was, i guess, i bit of a nag about him going out drinking all the time. The first week he was full of i still love you's and it's not you its me, maybe we should just break. The week after it was, no this isn't a break i can't see us back together, and the other night when i asked him to please get over this crisis and stop escaping what ever is in his head i got a 'im happy im want you to be, if we were together we wouldn't be content forever.' which is such a mad long term look. So Im NCing him. I'm writing him letters, and pouring over things he wrote to me when he loved me. I've heard from his sister - who i'm very close to that he's continually drunk or stoned. Surely this is escapism. People keep saying that after 2 years together he will want me back. In a few months or whenever. I hate myself for craving this moment.

i dream about him every night - horrid subconscious brain. I wanted to be his friend but decided all i'd talk about was him not wanting me.

Every time I see him he initiates massive hugs with me, and trys to reassure me he isn't having sex with everything that moves. The idea turns my stomach. I miss him more than I think i loved him! If that makes sense. I don't know what i did wrong but obviously though he thinks im amazing he just thinks we will feud all the time.

I know how you feel. Does she think about you? yes, i should think so. But the flip side is - what do they think? He still keeps all the cards i sent him up. What does that mean? Surely he wakes up and sees them and thinks - oh dear what have i done. But maybe they are 'treasured memories' and nothing more? The only thing that is different is that he just needs to 'focus on doing what he's doing' i don't even know what that means.

I want to send him emails and make him realise how good we are. But that's only me, it's not my situation to control.

That last message i got was 'please don't hate me' i never replied. I'm scared to say i dont incase he feels good, so i have'nt replied. He'll now probably think i do. But im not sure what to say really. I love you would be the only response.

I truly feel like a manic depressive - up and down. I know exactly where you are coming from. This advice is rubbish sorry!

I guess this is how it is. I tried begging and it didn't wash.

Who knows anymore?

Good luck sweetie - sorry xx

[Larz]

And by the way, my recommendation is by no means an overnight fix. No, intimacy with another does not feel as good, not even close. But it DOES feel human. And you are human. You will be pleasanlty surprised by what is out there, once you get past the frustration of having to re-program yourself to the dating tactics. That part sucks my friend, but you know something? I wouldn't go back. And my ex was my world.

 

They don't change. Truly. You will speak to her again eventually on common ground, and you will see that she is no different. It's crazy.

 

The ONLY chance you have of reconciling, if that is truly what you want, is to leave her alone. Watch what happens if you take care of yourself. It's mind-blowing, and it takes every semblance of energy you have. Do it, it's a win-win. -- Although you don't see it this way now, you will.

 

Don't think "Well, it's obvious this man didn't love his woman the way I love THIS woman". That ain't true bro, I was in it for 8 long years, raising a child not of my bearing. I gave everything, offered counseling, did it all...

 

Once the anger passed (and it DOES, believe me...) Things just started to make sense. Real sense, not convaluded dramatic sense. I still think about my ex from time to time, and to be honest, I feel sorry for the poor SOB who inherited the problems I once had.

 

And what's really crazy? After 7 months of absolutely NO contact, (predecessed by 2 months of my chasing her relentlessly), I hear from her more often than I want to. I never thought that possible.

 

Take care of YOURSELF right now. Noone else sees you any differently. You did not fail her, you did not fail yourself.

 

You have to remind yourself of that. In time, the reality of this will come. I PROMISE YOU!

 

I had to remind myself that if this person was capable of something I was NEVER or NEVER WOULD BE capable of -- (LEAVING) than I never really had her to begin with.

 

I think that's the hardest part about it. Fear of rejection, or failure... If she came back to you tomorrow, by the end of the week the distrust and "eggshells" that will exist will eventually turn on you. Trust me. I've lived it.

 

Calm down, she's just now seeing what really is out there. It takes REAL time, unfortunately. You have to know that you are in a positive position... Main reason being, YOU didn't choose this. So whatever you do from here on out is not only your right, but will better your understanding of yourself. Situations like this put a mirror in front of you. Get a little crazy. STAY BUSY!

 

Cya - L

[quing]

>>Do dumpers miss dumpees?

 

Yes they do, Only when you appear to completely over them and don't jump for them, if she ever does contact don't be too quick to pick up the phone or email back, but don't expect contact although it is damn hard to hope or think about anything else, and you are not mad if you cry in your spare time, I did last night but she don't know that (ha ha ha ha haaa).

All my ex of 6 years saw when she left me to date someone else was myself wishing her well adn even offering her two concert tickets to take her new date on (this hurt like hell) but it was reverse psychology.

Because of this appearance of me getting new bedroom furniture new duvet set and packing her stuff up but myself remaining calm and un emotional in messed her head up and caused an uncertainty within herself.

It took no more than 3 weeks for her to use an excuse to ask for a drink, which I said maybe sometime soon, then her asking for a drink again in which I avoided the question to then her making a big excuse up around the topic of our finances in which I agreed to meet up in which I was 10 minutes late on purpose.

All this was to break down her morale to letme control the situation so she would listen to me instead of vice versa.

She would ask the questions I would pretent I did not want to answer them such as subjects regarding other women but then I would say yeah I have no shortage there etc.

 

She said she had been thinking of me and I said I had notofher because of what she had done. It was left on the note of her begging me to call her which I have said I don't do friends and whats the point.

 

I broke NC 4 days ago to remind her of her stuff to take in which she has said she is going to give me her new home address details when she moves in, why ?? I don't know, I thought we were split. If its just friends then tuff. Well I replied I am happy that she has somwhere sensible to live very soon and I did not mention about her new address details.

 

Well as I guess she did not collect her stuff at the weekend like said she would, I know she is playing the game now, if she wasn't she would be emailing freely and collecting her stuff and dropping off the house key and my stuff that she has without any problem.

 

Now its for me not to play the game and move on, so keep up your NC and don't kiss there a*se as much as you want to, don't do it, they will eat you up. They have to kiss a*se, they did the running. The more you chase the more they run away. They are repulsed by needyness.

 

Tell me how did yours end, did you do any begging in the beginning as I believe that puts a delay on their curiosity on what you are up to and whether you are over them.

 

Thats what they fear the most, you being over them and a loss for ever. thats why they turn up as soon as you have a girlfriend.

[Larz]

I have trouble reading Quing's messages but I always get the "jist".

 

He's right about one thing - They ALWAYS turn up when you are TRULY over them. You'll get another chance. Chances are however, you won't want it by then. You've heard this a million times, but it is absolutely true.

 

Don't wear yourself out playing their game. If they want you, they will stop at NOTHING. Until then, reading into their little e-mails or over-analyzing phone calls will do nothing but damage your psychie.

 

You didn't play these games when you were together... Make DAMN sure you don't play them now. Dissappear guys - Fall off the face of the earth. Don't play.

 

L

[quing]

>>I have trouble reading Quing's messages but I always get the "jist".

Huh? is that because I am a Brit or because I am just a bit of a lzy speller? especially when I am sneaking posts out at work, just curious

[Rainz]

It does get better, I know it hurst so bad right now, and you feel like there is nothing for you to live for, but it does get better.

 

You have to REALLY force yourself sometimes...I know it sound cliche and old, and you feel like no-one understands. A few weeks back I was feeling all the heartache of a break up, and I felt so sad and betrayed.....now I feel like I'm back to myself, I'm getting on with things, getting on with my life and I wonder now how could I have let myself get so affected over him? He doesn't know what he's missing out on and never will know, poor thing.

 

I don't know the circumstances of your break up but the fact that you feel how you feel and talk of wanting to beg, plead etc...she's moving on and that's what you have to remember.

 

Go through all the emotions, allow yourself, to mourn, cry, feel sad, but not for too long. You have your life, live it.

[quing]

Larz is right 'Fall off the face of the earth. Don't play.'

 

You just play dead, it does their heads right in and they will sniff around and you can just say 'um, can I help you? you seem a little lost, oh it's you sorry I didn't recognise you'

[OhioHeartBroken]

Hey Doc, You speak to my soul. Everything you said was like it came out of my own mouth.....I also feel the pain if uncertainty, I feel like i am being reactive rather than pro-active. I am surrounded by people who love me but i can not shake this feeling of being completely alone. It is hard when you are used to getting emotionally intimate with a particular person and then when they are gone you feel a big hole that you can't get out of. Sometimes for me it seems like I may be out of the hole and then I lose my grip and fall right back down to the bottom.

 

A voice in the back of my head says "if i can only show her how much i love her and what she is leaving behind then maybe she won't go!" But then reality sinks in and I realize I can not force her into anything and to guilt her back into the relationship would only delay the inevitable. I even went as far as to tell her that I would have done anything to fix the relationship, all she had to do was tell me what I needed to change and to give me the chance. But I had/have to face the fact. Once a person has made up their mind, they are the only ones who can change it. And you know what, I fel horrible, I sometimes literally feel sick, I even don;t have much of an appetite but you knw what....because of all this, I am more open with feelings, I have made more hobbies for myself

 

I am on week 3 since being dumped by my high school sweetheart of 8 years and I have all of these same feelings. This is my first major breakup so I just feel lost in what to do sometimes. I even broke down yesterday and sent her an email. I know the more I push the farther away from me she will be. But I so longed to hear from her but you know what she hasn't written back and now I am angry and hurt. I am only doing damage to myself. It is a vicious cycle.

 

What I find helps me is geting together with friends when I can. We try to get out to public places so it feels like I am back in the normal world. Jus try and surround yourself with the ones you love. Being alone and at home does not help but there will be times where that may be the case. When I have those days that I can not get out with friends I write in my journal and I write poetry. These are both new habits for me and It helps to get everything out. I have never been a very poetic person and right now most of my poems are about me and the ex or dark things but that is ok because they are my feelings and are meant for me and I am sure some day they will become much brighter and happier and I can share those with someone some day.

 

Just know that things will get better, take care of yourself, take all the things about yourself that you feel you need to better because it will help you that much more when you meet that special someone. Whether it is someone new or someone from the past. Never count anything out but don't use it as a crutch either. And remember you can always come here if you need someone to listen cause we are here to help and to be helped.

 

I hope this helped , Know that you are not alone in how you feel and there is almost always someone on these forums who is in the same situation. If you ever need advice or just want to vent you can always PM me. I would be glad to listen or give my input and give support.

Take care and god bless.

[The_Doc]

All

 

After no contact on Saturday and Sunday she texts me a couple of times on Sunday and says she will call me Monday.... and

 

Well she did call.. twice -- once while I was at work and once last night in an . It was all going well -- I was making sure that I didn't mention the relationship etc until she started telling me about all the plans she has already made for June and July (parents visiting, sister visiting etc) including coming to my town for a friend's wedding etc. Of course she starts going on about staying with couple X and seeing couple Y etc etc -- stings as of course I want her to come to see me.

 

So I mention the 'when am I going to come to the flat (our old place... now hers I suppose) and sort my stuff' issue -- surely you want my stuff all cleared out before your family visit... and she says

 

a) no hurry -- she can always bring down more things for you when she comes to my town.. its not a problem, don't worry

 

b) she thought we could see each other 2nd weekend in July -- I go up to her place

 

So I ask whether she would mind if I went up while she was away and got some stuff and she gets all funny about it -- gives me this line 'I was thinking about you walking around the flat while I was away and it seemed a bit weird' -- she basically feels that its her home now and that I have no right to just turn up unannounced and walk in.

 

Anyway I lose it a little and give her the old -- Jesus its only been 6 weeks, 6 weeks ago it was my home and I was walking around it -- I feel that you have moved on so quickly and that makes me feel that the time we had meant nothing to you!

 

I know BIG BIG MISTAKE.

 

I quickly recovered sense and defused the conversation

 

She did apologise about the flat thing for being insensitive and then she said something weird -- she said that she was trying to protect me, that of course its difficult for her to but that she doesn't want to be honest with me about her feelings as she doesn't want me to get false hope, that she tried that in the first few weeks and it didn't work for me...

 

Anyway we got cut off and then she called back for another 10 minutes or so and everything ended friendly...

 

I know what you are going to say --- STOP talking to her, STOP indulging her, MAKE HER MISS you

 

Its just so very, very hard and when she calls for a 'chat' and of course it is what I want too... although these chats always ultimately leave me feeling unsatisifed and depressed.

 

I know I need to extend these periods of NC -- I know that

I need to lay off the 'how i feel about us' stuff even if provoked like last night

 

She is off for a long weekend with her family on Friday so good NC opportunity there....

 

But what do I do about phone calls? If she calls my mobile? Leave it off? Leave it at home? Ignore the call?

 

I suspect she is probably trying to play this NC game as well (maybe not as obviously as me) and I suspect that after last night's conversation she will refrain from calling for a while.

 

I know I am not a very good student... I just hope I haven't blown this... though as I have said before, I feel that with each and everyday I lose her a little more....

 

Comments? Advice?

[quing]

>>But what do I do about phone calls? If she calls my mobile? Leave it off? Leave it at home? Ignore the call?

 

Yeah, you can call her back much later or even the next day and act like you were not ignoring it and just ask what you want.

 

You see you need them to see that you are not waiting on them hand and foot.

It gets them thinking more about what you are up to.

[h_b_k_02]

Yes, I am eye to eye with quing.

 

They do come back, but then the choice is ours. And yes, they usually know when to come back...when we forgot about them. That is just the way ex-girlfriends are. Want what they can't have...well they can't have us if we don't care anymore.

 

I am in no rush to get into another relationship. If she calls, I may always be open to the possibility of trying to work things out, but only if I am single. As well, she will have to lick the corns out of my toes to get another chance with me.

 

Ever notice that the first person they date after seems to have no future, is uglier, and just totally the opposite type of what they've always said. This is called a rebound guys. She still has a picture of me on her dresser, I have nothing of hers up still.

[quing]

>>Ever notice that the first person they date after seems to have no future, is uglier, and just totally the opposite type of what they've always said. This is called a rebound guys. She still has a picture of me on her dresser, I have nothing of hers up still.

 

Heh heh, yeah my exs date who she left me for was a guy the same height as her,(she only liked taller men) he was 15 years older married with children coming out of a marriage, yes he smooth talked her when he interviewed her for a job that she did not get but asked her out for a drink whilst we ourselves going through a low period in the relationship, yes he is wealthier than me, but I would expect that, he's had 10 years head start.

But in a nutshell my Brother saw him and said he looks a freak and it is such an obvious rebound that it is actually quite funny to see if rather embarresing.

 

If she ever comes back and begs forgiveness and she is still with him I will make her invite him out for a drink to dump him, I will meanwhile record his reaction to being dumped on my video camera.

If he is happy about breaking up I will knock his head off.

If that don't ever happen then I will just find a better looking woman anyway, which will happen regardless if she begs or not. win win win.

[h_b_k_02]

Ok my turn.

 

My exes new guy is disgusting, plain and simple. My buddy saw him and this was exactly what he said. This is why attraction isn't everything. My ex thinks I am the hottest thing walking. Let's see, he has a pathetic graveyard shift, is younger, and quite frankly does not have anywhere close to the type of job I do. Ah well, it's nice to know she said she didn't want to "settle", and decided that she wanted someone that is less a person than me . My brother saw him and said he looks like he's 40.

 

Like I said, this whole thing was never an ego thing to me. I have girls trying to hit on me all the time. I am now waiting for Ms. Right, someone to move in with and start a life with.

[The_Doc]

Well there is little if any evidence there is another guy, and to be honest the ammount of travelling she does he would have to be extraordinarily mobile or simply an occasional port of call.

 

As for me, I still can't see past her... no-one is hitting on me and if they were right now I still only have eyes for her.

 

So what do you all make of this... analysis please:

 

When I said I felt that it felt she had 'moved on very quickly' and it made me feel like what we had was worth nothing she said something like -- 'its not like that I am just trying to protect you' (i.e. from false hope).

 

Trouble is why does she still want to call me once or twice a week, why is she still excited to talk to me and why if we go NC for a couple of days does she break radio silence by sending me text messages or instant messaging?

 

God I wish there was a guide book to follow....

[h_b_k_02]

As for me, I still can't see past her... no-one is hitting on me and if they were right now I still only have eyes for her.

 

Still too early for you, you aren't ready yet.

 

When I said I felt that it felt she had 'moved on very quickly' and it made me feel like what we had was worth nothing she said something like -- 'its not like that I am just trying to protect you' (i.e. from false hope).

 

She hasn't, just trying to look strong. The minute she shows weakness she will break down. Right now she is convincing herself she did the right thing.

 

Trouble is why does she still want to call me once or twice a week, why is she still excited to talk to me and why if we go NC for a couple of days does she break radio silence by sending me text messages or instant messaging?

Because you are allowing her to remain a part of your life. She knows she is stringing you along. Don't answer phones, don't answer texts, stay to strict NC, not limited contact. Limited contact just delays the healing process.

 

God I wish there was a guide book to follow....

 

Here is the guide book. Don't settle for anything other than exactly what you want. If she wants to be friends, do you want that when you want so much more.

 

NC, stay strong. She is your everything right now. Give yourself some time without her and her the same, and see what happens. Nothing else has worked for you so what harm could come of it? You meet someone else maybe?

[The_Doc]

Bit down this morning... I'm getting emotionally exhausted from waking up every morning either havind dreamt about her or waking up thinking about her.... most days its a struggle to climb out of bed, put one foot in front of the other and force myself to go to work.

 

I'm proud that so far I have resisted all the urges to actually skip a day of work and lie in bed pining. Mind you I cannot say that I have been very productive at work for a long time....

 

Its such a bautiful, hot, sunny day today but I still feel blue...

 

My best friend will see her tomorrow evening. He is in her town on a business trip and so he asked if I minded if they hooked up -- we all are friends though since we moved away last summer (before I moved back again) she hasn't seen many of our old friends here.

 

Of course I do mind. Not because I think anything will happen, but because I am jealous. I want to be the one meeting her for dinner, enjoying her company. laughing at her jokes. So I know tomorrow night I will be obsessed in my mind by that. God sometimes I hate the thought processes you go through during this process.

 

Its been 6 weeks and 2 days (see I count still!!!). When does it start to get better, when do you stop thinking about them ALL the time.

 

Some words of comfort much appreciated this morning...

[iamonlyhuman]

Ever notice that the first person they date after seems to have no future, is uglier, and just totally the opposite type of what they've always said. This is called a rebound guys. She still has a picture of me on her dresser, I have nothing of hers up still

 

I know my ex isn't in a rebound then after reading that

You know why? coz although he loved and said I had beautiful brown skin, nice wide almond eyes, and could be a model....he still said that he thinks brunettes are nice and like very long hair, now I have shoulder length hair what can one do ey....hehe

 

.......and GUESS WOT? The girl he was seeing whilst with me was a girl with long brown hair.....I have seen her and I am not playa hating but even when they weren't together I thought she wasn't all that on the face, I guess the hair blew him away and apparently she is sarcastic and makes him laugh and the bonus is she does the same type dancing that he does. Well thats wrapped it up for me thats the best closure I can get right now, so its a relationship mean't to be.... definitely isn't rebound!

 

By the way he used to call me the funniest girl alive and the Sarcasm Queen..well.....

[fantasia2004]

Lars -

 

The ONLY chance you have of reconciling, if that is truly what you want, is to leave her alone. Watch what happens if you take care of yourself. It's mind-blowing, and it takes every semblance of energy you have. Do it, it's a win-win. -- Although you don't see it this way now, you will.

 

 

how is that possible? the win-win situation?

[fantasia2004]

>>Ever notice that the first person they date after seems to have no future, is uglier, and just totally the opposite type of what they've always said. This is called a rebound guys. She still has a picture of me on her dresser, I have nothing of hers up still.

 

Cruel and not always true! ha ha

[fantasia2004]

I have trouble reading Quing's messages but I always get the "jist".

 

He's right about one thing - They ALWAYS turn up when you are TRULY over them. You'll get another chance. Chances are however, you won't want it by then. You've heard this a million times, but it is absolutely true.

 

Don't wear yourself out playing their game. If they want you, they will stop at NOTHING. Until then, reading into their little e-mails or over-analyzing phone calls will do nothing but damage your psychie.

 

You didn't play these games when you were together... Make DAMN sure you don't play them now. Dissappear guys - Fall off the face of the earth. Don't play.

 

L

 

 

 

Larz ever heard of the saying I have to see it to believe .?

 

I am not a pessimist . Although I have had people label me as one.

 

Karma Lars? Is that what it is?

[The_Doc]

Had a good night with friends last night got a bit drunk and then slipped up wrote the ex a text telling her that I wished she had been here and that I miss her.

 

I know, i know, stupid, stupid, stupid

 

But she replied -- much to my surprise saying that she wished she had been there too.

 

Question is what the hell should I make of this?????

 

Anything or nothing?

[h_b_k_02]

I wouldn't make too much of it, she probly just misses your presense, but not necessarily your arms or whatnot. DO NOT DO THIS AGAIN THOUGH. Let her call, keep the call short and sweet, and then tell her you got to go. Also, do not agree to call her back. Let her continue, but go see other girls as per below.

 

I had a good night last night. Went out with a girl that wants to sleep with me real bad. Hmm, I may have just slowly turned away from my abstinance after all. The good thing is I didn't have to ask her out, she asked me, so my tarnished ego is once again padded .

 

Yes, 24 and never needed to ask a girl out in my life .

[The_Doc]

After the sweet and unexpected text message Wednesday the ex had dropped off the radar again.

 

My best buddy met her for dinner last night (he had a business trip to the city she works in when she is not in our old home).

 

Anyway he said he couldn't 'reveal' too much because she had spoken to him in confidence (they have been friends for 3 years). But what he did say broke my heart again. (And no I don't think there is anything between them -- they live in different cities and he is madly in love with a girl here who he lives with).

 

Anyway basically she said she is 'happy with her work' and that she is 'making changes' with regard to her life and thinks I should get on with mine.

 

He reassured me that there is/was no-one else.

 

So what was she playing at when she sent me that sweet text message? and why does she think she can call to chat for 30-40 minutes when it suits her and then disappear when it suits her too.

 

I want to let go but I just can't... it kills me because I love this woman more than anyone will ever know or understand. I feel like I'm being asked to cut off one of my own limbs!!

 

Help everyone

[h_b_k_02]

 

My best buddy met her for dinner last night (he had a business trip to the city she works in when she is not in our old home).

 

Anyway he said he couldn't 'reveal' too much because she had spoken to him in confidence (they have been friends for 3 years). But what he did say broke my heart again. (And no I don't think there is anything between them -- they live in different cities and he is madly in love with a girl here who he lives with).

 

 

why does she think she can call to chat for 30-40 minutes when it suits her and then disappear when it suits her too.

 

 

If he was your best buddy, he is either not telling you it is over or he isn't your best buddy if there is more to reveal. I would go with the former.

 

As for the chats, you are allowing it. Don't answer, let the machine pick up, call 3-4 days later, chat for 5 minutes, then say "hold on, other line", put phone on mute, come back and tell her "Nice to talk but gotta run".