I can't find my way past this heartache

[hollow]

Help!! I am still in love with a man who broke-up with me 6 mos ago after a 4 year relationship and I can't seem to get past the heartache and pain. We dated in college (he was my first boyfriend) and then were apart for 15 years (I graduated, he dropped out and went into the Air Force). He had a child with another woman, then was single again. We hooked back up 4 years ago in a long distance relationship that progressed to where we were thinking about getting married. I got cold feet and wanted to put things on hold for awhile, though we were still seeing each other (actually more than before). I was under a lot of stress and really just didn't know what to do....doing nothing was all I could manage. He was hurt, angry and began doing things that hurt me during this period, emphasizing that we weren't together anymore. Then he hooked up with an old friend (he said she loved him but he didn't feel that way)...only tell me three months later that they had gotten engaged. I have been heartbroken ever since (that was 3 mos ago) and have been in such a pit of depression since the break-up that hearing about the engagement was too much for me. It had gotten so hard to function and I had just gotten to where I could talk to him again and he sprung that on me. Dating doesn't seem to help (I just think about him and not them) and I have broken off contact because I just couldn't handle anymore news like that. I have such an overwhelming feeling of loss...what is wrong with me? Why can't I go on, move on? I fear I will lose my job because I can't concentrate...and I just don't care anymore. This makes me angry because I'm sure he's fine and I feel like I'm falling about. I still catch myself calling his name. I know this was my fault (he was ready to buy the ring)...I just want to get past what has happened and feel happy again.

[K]

First of all I feel sorry for ya, internet hug! I actually was in a very similiar situation when I split with my ex. I loved him to death but knew I couldn't go on. It sounds like your depressed. I've been on medication for depression and although I hated it, it helped. You see depression is chemical, and taking anti-depressants (I only took them for a month) can help to break the cycle sort of thing. I also spoke to a counsellor. His positive comments were really hard to take at first but it was nice to talk to someone about all the things I couldn't share with family and friends.

Honestly because you couldn't commit, perhaps your heart was telling you things weren't right? Its hard to understand or analyse or form clear intelligible thoughts in the midst of depression, thats why I think its a good idea to deal with that first. I kept a diary, an ugly murky green one because thats how I felt. I wrote down all my ugly thoughts about myself, the world - every poor person who upset me. And after a while I felt I was starting to understand myself. Self destructive emotionally, is another way I treated myself. This could be why you wouldn't allow yourself to enjoy or commit although you do feel you strongly 'love' him. I firmly believe in letting yourself feel the down time for as long as it takes to get it out of your system but on the other hand we are masters of our own destiny. It takes guts to realise you have to change yourself, but if you can look at yourself in the mirror and feel comfortable in your own skin then its worth it. He seems to be settling with this other woman, sounds like the easiest way out of being lonely. If he doesn't truly love her, it is a cowardly action and it will eventually fall apart. Perhaps he's doing it to force you to action, or even to hurt you. Whatever the case you should you work out whats the best thing for you, and deal with it.