ex breaks nc after 6 months.

[shockeddismayed]

tman...

 

It's a tough line to tread... I agree. But when you break up with someone, you are back to square one... or even a few squares below that.

 

The intimacy that you once had with them has been destroyed (they destroyed it), so although there may be times when honesty is still the best policy, they can't expect any more honesty from you than you are getting from them. And moreover, although they may ask for it, it doesn't necessarily mean they truly want to hear it... human beings are funny that way.

 

The short answer is never volunteer anything about your emotions... let them lead conversations. If they tell you how they feel about you... you can tell them back IF you want to. Here is an example of a conversation that might happen.

 

 

EX: I still love you, but I'm not sure that I am in love with you and that I want to be with you.

 

Option 1:

You: I still love you too... I'm lost without you... I would give anything to win you back.

 

Option 2:

You: I still have strong feelings for you, but I'm not interested in being with someone who doesn't love me back, or isn't sure what they want.

 

So both of those responses are true & honest (or at least they SHOULD be)... but obviously #2 is the MUCH better way to go because it shows that you will not accept shoddy treatment, and that you know your own worth. You deserve love, and you won't settle for half-love.

 

The reality is that love between equal partners is different than love btwn a mother and a child, or God/Allah/whomever you believe in and his creations. Love btwn equals must be constantly negotiated. When it is right, it becomes effortless because both sides feel fulfilled, and so their mutual love builds. But if that is what you want, you must avoid creating your own imbalance.

 

Volunteering feelings that are not reciprocated creates/reinforces an imbalance. What is worse, is that the other person (who usually DOES care about you) will feel guilty when they recognize the imbalance, so they will back off, or run away.

 

Thus, you need to guard your feelings and SLOWLY allow both people to reveal them. Since she broke it off, it's her job to go first.... and your job only to keep the door open enough for her to do that.

 

As I said... it's like square one all over again. Imagine you go on a date with a cute girl... and at the end of the night she explains how much she loves you, how you are everything she ever wanted.... if you are already feeling the same way... wow... that's fantastic. But if you aren't, or you are just taking it slow, the first thing you will do is feel smothered. You'll pull away because you can see she has more to lose than you do, and you don't want to tear someone's heart out simply for being unsure. You'd rather end it right away than risk her getting further tied up in something you have your doubts about.

 

This is what is happening now with your EX. You can't tell her how you feel.... not because it is a game..... but because it is a courtship. You need for her to build back up to that point... and you do too.

 

Remind yourself of a new relationship and behave as close to that as possible.

 

Again... getting back to your situation. I agree.... you didn't mess anything up long term.... but you also didn't make the situation work to your advantage.

 

You say that this girl was flirting with you a bit... complimenting your career.... saying no other guy is like you.... hinting about sex.

 

And yet..... you come back by asking whether you have a chance, and showing her your unhappiness and your insecurity.

 

How attractive do you think that is?!?!?! --> Not very.

 

Would you do that on a first date with a girl?

 

Would you do that on a second date? Would you EVER do that?

 

NOOOOOO.

 

You'd flirt back a bit... you'd BE all of those attractive qualities she is looking for... you'd be boosted by her comments and you WOULD FEEL CONFIDENT.

 

You would be aloof a little... playful a little... and you would DEFINITELY get another date.

 

But here is where it is breaking down for you. She says all of those things, but they don't jive in your head... they cause you confusion. "How can she say all of this, and yet still we aren't together?" you'd say. It would probably cause you so much turmoil inside that you'd ask her all the things you did... you'd show all of that insecurity.

 

As soon as you do that, she questions herself... she is reminded of how she tore your heart out... she feels bad... she backs off.

 

This is what happens when YOU AREN'T READY. YOU HAVEN'T HEALED... thereforeeee you can't be expected to be aloof and independent, because you aren't yet.

 

Since you KNOW this now (or at least you should)... you need to buy yourself some time to get healed... you need to be friendly if she calls, but continue more NC until you can get to a place where you can behave cooly in front of her WITHOUT it being an act.

 

In the meantime, if you must see her (at her requests), you must fake it until you make it.... that means you must NOT stay around her too long, or else she will realize you are a phony. So you need to AVOID being around her until you are READY for it not to be an act.

 

I've gone on several tangents here... I hope this helps.

[shockeddismayed]

tman my man - Welcome to the club!

 

Was I being honest to myself? Of course! I saved 10p on a text!!

 

lollololololololololollol oh crud... that is funny!

 

Until she starts communicating with you in an honest, clear and meaningful way, dont get involved.

 

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

 

And remember... this "meaningless" stage will go on for as long as you let it. Every time you respond to her meaningless message... or every time you respond to a message that *might* mean something with your response that *does* mean something, you are reinforcing her behaviour to keep things muddied... to keep spinning her tires.

 

You should doubt her intentions until it is IMPOSSIBLE to ignore her sincerity.

 

S&D

[danimal77]

Here are some bits and pieces of a pm that I just sent a buddy on here. This is my cuurent view point on this situation. Take what you want from it and leave the rest for ME!!! haha...jk.

 

DO NOT contact her on or after YOUR b-day. If she doesn't contact you during this time, that's FINE...Don't expect her to man. If she does, good, NOT great, but good...Downplay it all dude...

 

My opinion on all of this has changed SO much in the last couple of years it's not even funny. You have to develop an I don't give a FUK attitude concerning her. Seriously, tell yourself that she is doing YOU a favor by not contacting you right now...

 

My advice, which I am not only preaching but am also using in my own life, seeing that I have NOT contacted my ex in any way shape or form in over a month as well, is to do nothing for now. You have to call her when you NO longer want to. I am serious...Let all desire to want to contact her go away completely and then MAYBE pick up a phone or shoot her an email and SEE what happens with your own eyes....

 

In the meantime, go find more than one girl and have some fun!!! It will make time pass by SO much faster and will further improve your confidence, so that when and IF you ever do decide to contact her, she'll sense that you have moved on and NO longer care. The act of calling won't make her think you care. It's how you come accross that will make it or break it....

 

In the meatime, do NOTHING and happy b-day dude!

 

Dan

 

So you see, I have changed my attitude and philosophy somewhat (to say the least)..I am only advocating this guy to call his ex in the future because this is what he is telling me he wants to do in not so many words..I NO LONGER want to or have any more desire to contact my own for the record. I MAY pay her back the money she gave me a almost 3 years ago, but only if I so choose to and that time is NOT now. Maybe in September, but for the meantime, I am gaving way too much fun dating other women and enjoying my freedom!!! I haven't seen my ex in almost 60 days and I am feeling great!!!

 

Good luck to all and stay strong. Never stop believing in yourselves!!!

 

Danimal

[benevolent]

There is nothing wrong with being honest and while it was probably not the best move for you to do (in conveying your emotion), it was your true feelings coming through and you're entitled to that. No one wants a liar, manipulator or fake and by doing so you are lowering yourself to her level - perhaps even lower. Regardless, it gets you nothing in the end. Hell, just read some of the posts on here. However, as many have said here, there is a major healing process that you are going to have to go through and depending how much you vested in this person, it can take quite a long time to reach 100%. What you should have is a support network of family and friends that can help you through this - even if you just want to rant or vent.

 

The key thing you have to realize is that you have to be totally honest with yourself and realize that no gimmick, method or plan is going to work. The facts are simple, you two had issues in a relationship that lead to a breakup and those issues and other factors are in an unresolved state. This is what you have to accept in order to make progess with yourself.

 

What you want is to learn from this relationship (and past relationships) to see what you did wrong, what your ex did wrong, what your needs really are, what you need to improve etc. It's probably going to be a very hard process for you because you will have to judge yourself and your mate in an honest - perhaps brutually honest way. And no one likes hearing the bad traits, qualities or truths about themselves.

 

The healing process is not going to be easy and expect setbacks, especially when you deal with reminders of you two - be it a song, holiday, what have you. Unfortunately, a lot of people tend not to do this -including the ex. Many convince themselves and want to believe that they are fully healed and changed in such a short amount time, when in reality they are just masking true unresolved feelings and issues. To no surprise, they end up repeating patterns that just end up bringing them back to ground zero.

 

You have every right to be alone or depressed, but you have to also realize, that in time, things do get better. You should really focus on improving yourself as a person and as a person in a relationship. If you neglect that crucial part, then you will bring all this baggage and unresolved pieces into relationships to follow. From what I've read [briefly] so far, you really need to focus on you. Cry, wail, get angry - whatever the case may be, you have to get through this stage before you can move towards healing.

 

I wouldn't date unless you were ready and that can take a long time, but let that time be a valuable one. If you allow yourself to really heal and grow, then how you approach this situation will be totally different. Right now you are focusing on the wrong thing - which is a reconcilation. By doing so, you are trying to patch what will eventually be broken again. Focus on repairing what went wrong and that starts with you. Your ex will have to decide on her own if she wants to do the same and only she can decide that. If she refuses, then you are better off.

[tman]

Dudes .... sincerely thanks for all the advice and opinions...but take all the advice u have given me and stick it up your asses!!!.....

 

 

joke....ha ha Gotcha..... (still got a sense of humour which shows that I am still here under all this relationship hassle)

 

No honestly, all of you, thanks for the advice. As I have been saying to misslonelyheart its been like a verbal slapping that has been dished out to me and much needed to wake me up and bring out the best in myself. Honestly guys because you are all seeing it from different perspective (somewhat removed, objective and critical) from myself it has forced me to step back and see what is really going, cos I can now see things that a week ago i did bnot cos I was too involved in the situation.

 

All your advice has been listened to and much appreciated.

 

Benevolent....

You have every right to be alone or depressed, but you have to also realize, that in time, things do get better. You should really focus on improving yourself as a person and as a person in a relationship. If you neglect that crucial part, then you will bring all this baggage and unresolved pieces into relationships to follow. From what I've read [briefly] so far, you really need to focus on you. Cry, wail, get angry - whatever the case may be, you have to get through this stage before you can move towards healing.

 

Well past this stage mate and I dont cry about it any more which is a good sign and has made me feel alot better. If any incling of crying even comes into my head it embarrasses me in some way, as I will not let her have that power anymore.

As for having the right to feel depressed and alone. I dont have that right anymore. My friends and family have stood by me long enough and I no longer want people to worry about me but to feel proud of me for getting through this which in turn will make them happy and myself much happier.

 

As i said before guys, cheers for the blunt advice which is necessary and and I will not be letting the side (or myslef) down.

[shockeddismayed]

Tman....

 

Sounds like you are revving up your engines. Good work!

[C.C.]

Hi Tman, Just wanted to tell you that I can imagine how hard it must have been and I am proud of what you are doing now! -C.C.

[tman]

Thanks so much guys.

 

Its her b'day today. She did not contact me on mine (june 23rd,...not long ago) and against my normal character I will not be contacting her even though I really want to.

 

Staying strong!

[danimal77]

That's right T-Man, stay strong and NO call. It will NOT endear her to you at ALL. Ironically, I made that mistake on June 2 when I DID call, well, needless to say that was the last piece of contact we've had, and 5 weeks later, if I could take it back, I would....

 

Stay away, FAR away, ESPECIALLY after how you acted with her the last time you guye spoke. Have some self-respect man and walk away from her for awhile, alright!!

 

Peace,

 

Danimal

[tman]

(i'm probably over analysing cos i am hungover and bored at work and need a little vent)

 

So the latest is......

 

like an idiot I unblocked her a couple of days ago on my messenger. (i had been doing ok, but i guess curiosity got the better of me....sorry dudes for weakening, but it is not exactly contact is it?)

 

Anyway....

 

Got home late last night (a little drunk) logged on, she was already logged in, and i get a hi from her through instant messenger.

 

She basically said hi, cute picture (picture of my 2 yr old neice), and then "cant really talk got work to do".

 

I (baffed) just said "cool", asked how she was then logged off.

 

(quite a wise move cos she really did not need to start me off with the amount i had drunk last night, if i was sober i guess i would have not even answered her).

 

But now, the morning after and being sober I am thinking what type of conversation was that?

Why start one if all you are going to do is say you cant talk, plus the last time i spoke to her on messenger i told her it would be best that we dont speak anymore. Or was she just being polite, Hmmmmm.

 

ok done venting,....back to work...and an excruciating headache

[shockeddismayed]

lol.....

 

no harm done there at all... you were cool and aloof (even if you don't feel it today).

 

It could have been A LOT worse. Learn from my experience. DO NOT under ANY CIRCUMSTANCES answer a call from your ex when you are drunk. It can go NOWHERE but in a bad direction.

 

You are charmed my friend... and dodged a bullet with deft skill.

[Ripples]

OK Tman lets have an update, i'm getting bored waiting for the next thrilling episode in your love life... It beats Eastenders this!!

[tman]

Mr Ripples!! how u doing dude, its nice to see that you are checking up on me and really quite strange seeing as I have just finished watching eastenders, which was quite dull, and decided to check out how u dudes were all doing. Plus I have been meaning to give you guys an update, as I have not posted in a while and have needed to vent over the past few days.

 

So the latest is.....

 

Zip, diddly squat...nadda, nothing, not a word from the ex since my last post, which is cool with me because I was not expecting her to as we both know the situation. I said I would be paying her money back at the start of August (i am planning on next week by cheque to be accurate) so that will be some form of contact which i guess she is leaving to me. I guess she is waiting for me to inform her that i have posted the cheque or to find out how she wants the payment.

Although I have been contemplating whether to leave it to her to remind me to pay her and play it like I had forgotten, but when it comes to things of this nature I am prompt and keep my word, no matter what the situation is.

 

I have been reading a lot of the posts that people have been writing in the past month, (in particular the adventures of trev38 who has shown how it should be done) but also looking back at some of the old posts and comparing it to my situation. This along with the contiued nc, has caused me to change my perspective on things yet again.

It has given me optimism for both reconciling with her (how to go about it positively and not make any moves that would scare her away and jeapordise any chance I may have) and also on being happy without her.

 

Another major point for me has been that recently for the first time since the break (almost 9 months now) I am actually beginning to wonder if I would take her back (if i was lucky enough to get get to that position) and whether she does actually deserves me. I think i am beginning to move on cos I know i will be fine on my own and will be happy in another relationships with someone else in the future.

 

I have been quite a busy bunny lately concentrating on my career which is going really well now, and getting back into my football playing 4 times a week at a reasonably high level something that I could not do so much when in the relationship. ( I am talking about the beautiful game of soccer for all you americans out there that think the NFL is better than the English premiership..No way!). I have also been getting out and about with my friends (which has been loads of fun). Me looking quite dashing and attracting the attention of a few ladies has actually helped. I actually have a girl from new zealand on my case and a couple of others showing interest.

 

Don't get me wrong I still have my bad patches (like after a heavy drinking session with the boys...which can not be helped...beer is good!!!) but its only when I let things get to me.

I have realised if i continue to concentrate on her I will not be happy, and wondering what her next move will be, next call, email, text etc will just drive me mad. (doesn't mean I dont wonder though, but not as much as before)

 

I still do know that I really love and miss her and the relationship and guess would like a second chance but slowly the intensity of my feelings has begun to ebb away. (looks like the true benefit of nc is gradually having its effect and my healing is in effect)

 

For now its just about me continuing to live my life, do what makes me happy, grow, learn, develop and take each day as it comes.

 

 

(p.s i have been keeping up with all your posts and will be adding my flavour to em soon)

[Ripples]

Mate,

 

Keep moving on. I have been and continue to be in similar situation to you. Funnily enough yesterday I received another bout of text activity 2 weeks after the last bout. Again I kept it up beat and gave no feeling away. After about 4 exchanges she was gone again. Just disapeared. Did I feel good? Of course I bloody did because I was in control, aloof, distant, a mystery.

 

As a mate of mine said - there is nothing you can do accept wait for her to come to you. All you want is to spend time with her. If she doesn't want to spend time with you then that is fine. Find someone who does. If you are in control of your life and continue to make yourself attractive (drop easenders if that is the case!) then others will want to be with you. Utimately, in your eyes it will be her loss.

[tman]

Cheers Dude,

 

Seems like you are on top of things in your situation too. A couple of questions though, in response to a comment you said your friend made

 

there is nothing you can do accept wait for her to come to you

 

Do you think she will eventually make that move? and

 

If nothing does happen will you take the initiative or not bother at all? and

 

If you do how long are you willing to wait b4 you do. [/b]

[tman]

(wow just realised this post has reached over the 2000 viewings mark, i guess a lot of you guys can relate to this situation, the posts have been mainly dominated by the guys on this site, I would be grateful for some female views too

Thanks all those who have contributed so far, you've been a great help and very supportive. TMAN

)

[Ripples]

In my case my ex has many deep personal issues to address before she can truly commit to a relationship. If during the course of that journey she comes to realise that I really wasn't that bad she will, I believe come back and explore "us" once again. The important thing to remember is that only she can reach that conclusion, I can't influence it.

 

If she comes back I will behave with dignity no matter how much pain it causes me. It is important that I behave in a way that reflects me for who I am. To get too emotional would only be a negative. So, in essense it will be like starting again and that means taking things slowly like any new relationship develops.

 

My ex has come and gone several times. I think the reason was because I was too hasty, too available. Now I am tired and moving on and to be honest not bothered. She contacts me occasionally even now but it has no meaning, no body, nothing, so I just acknowledge her, and behave like I would do with any mate. If she wants to start things over I know she will say "lets meet". Until then I can only be me. She dumped me because she wasn't happy. That means I cant chase, only she can do that if she feels it is right again. I will not take the initiative to contact her but as and when she contacts me I will encourage her in an aloof way. I will let my attidude speak for me not my words. My attitude will be aloof, mysterious, flirty, happy, friendly, mystical etc.

 

I am not waiting, I am moving forwards. I am dealing with my pain and healing. And when that happens it is a sure sign that you are moving forwards. From there she has to catch me up or lose me forever. I control my situation. The ball is in my court and I will keep it in my court. I am in control, not her. She is in control of her not me.

 

 

It is tough to think like this but every now and again I have a rush of enlightenment and then I know that I am on the right track.

 

Dont get me wrong I am learning this way ahead daily. Each day I have to re-programme myself and move forwards slowly

 

I am the prize, not her and in time she may come to realise this, but then again she may not. Thats life I guess!

[tman]

Need to vent…..

 

Last week I sent my ex an email about the money I had arranged to give to her. The money that she had contacted me out of the blue for after 6 months nc, making me aware of how desperately she needed it. So now since the recent email, i have heard nothing.

 

It is not like she is not expecting me to be in contaact as we had discussed that I was going to contact her about it in the last week of July/ 1st week of August.

 

I am just left wondering what’s going on. I know she checks her emails regularly as she uses it for work and to keep in contact with friends. Funny thing is that she has not logged onto messenger for about a month (may have blocked me) which has been the only way (except for a couple of emails) that we have communicated with each other after the 6 months nc. I wonder if I should ring her or drop her a text. Is she trying to make me contact her more formally? Hmmm

 

Am I just being silly ? I just hate waiting on her for contact.

 

Ok. Vent over….... Back to work.

[Ripples]

Doesn't sound too promising.

 

I think you have done the honourable thing and kept your word. If you think you know how much you owe her then write a cheque and send it in the post. From that moment on let go of any concern you have for her. She is elsewhere in her life right now and you need to be elsewhere too.

[tman]

Ok so still no word from the ex.

 

I know she regularly checks her email, and also she is the one asking /expecting the money.

 

Why no reply on how to get it to her. I am thinking of sending another email, what do you guys think? Send it or just leave her to contact me.

 

I would send her the check but dont have her full postal address i.e postcode.

[Ripples]

If you call her make very sure that you are strong enough to deal with it. Talking to her will hit you hard even if you dont think it will right now. Do it to clear your debt. Dont do it to get in touch with her. Dont use the situation.

 

If you do call her just be polite and positive but aloof.

 

I think once you have done it that has to be it though. Move on.

[tman]

I know this Ripples,

 

I do not want to call her as I dont think she deserves my call.

 

Am seriously trying to move on, so am definitely not using this as a way of contacting her, in fact i wish I did not have to deal with this at the moment, cos I have been seriously missing her lately.

 

I am just wondering why she is the one being aloof and not getting in touch.

[Ripples]

To be honest I think she is being aloof because she now knows what she wants to know and that is that you are thinking of her. It is the same in my case. Its as if they are saying "well although I dont want you I will keep you hanging around believing that you still have a chance with me until such time that I really dont need you at all".

 

This is why absolute NC must be applied. I am trying to understand this now and adhere to it. NC means NC even if they contact you. The simple truth is, until they are hammering your door down screaming undying love for you you just cant allow yourself to be manipulated. You unfortunately cant trust them.

 

If they feel they are loosing you they will pull you in. Once you allow that to happen they get their supply and push you away.

 

Girls? Help me out here...

[vinuab]

I think you're on to something Ripples. But unfortunately, you never really ensure an honest return. Your x for some reason could live without you right now, why would you think this wouldn't happen again no matter how hard they come knocking (speaking from experience - my x came back we got married and now he's asked for a divorce). All you can ensure is your honesty, let someone else who will appreciate it enjoy it.

[Ripples]

That is very sad.

 

I agree about being honest. I do believe it always pays off.

 

As long as we, the rejected, continue to be honest we can continue to hold our heads up. Taking the pain will always be tough but integrity is everything in testing times.