ex breaks nc after 6 months.

[tman]

(Hey guys I started this post under someone elses topic but felt it should be on its own discussion as I would like some help quickly guys)

 

Its very funny that after i made my first post on enotalone, (as i felt that i needed to give back to the community that has helped me so much.) the ex contacts me for the first time in 6 months (good karma? mmmm).

 

Yep she broke nc.

 

Wow!!! When i saw that email from her boy did i go dizzy.

 

She emailed me about some money i owe her. Why now? i tried to pay her back before but she wouldn't accept. 6 months nc and now an email for money. she did say she felt bad asking and that it seemed cold and she needed it. (she also stated how she heard how i got a good job, earning loads and which involves alot of tavel..., i still keep in contact with her sister through email)

 

What do i do? Reply straight a way? Bend over backwards to get the money to her? i can afford it but not for another 2-3 weeks as i have just paid off my overdraft, paid for a holiday and need it for a few events/outings i have organised with friends. Do i ask to meet her? mail her a cheque? transfer it to her a/c? Not Pay Her At All?

 

The biggest question i ponder about is, is she just after the money or is this away for her to initiate contact? I really dont want to overanalyse this or get my hopes up especially after beginning to really get over her.

 

For now i shall sleep on it. What do you guys make of this?

[h_b_k_02]

I say do not request a meeting. Either give her the cheque option or the account transfer option. If she says she wants to meet, resist. If she pushes, then maybe, but only if you think you can handle seeing her.

[heartbroken23]

In my opion, it was an excuse to get in contact...why all of a sudden after 6 months get in touch about it? I guess it would depned on the amount of money you are talking about....I say just mail her the check. Play hard to get..let her chase you.

[WebChick]

She waited 6 months for this???

Ask her if you can send her an IOU..or food stamps? lol

J/K....

As another poster said..depends on the amount owed.

Don't jump to conclusions yet...react slowly.

It could just be that she's in a bind and really NEEDS the money.

Feel things out...you'll get a feel for her true intentions. Just don't

stunt your progress simply because she sent you ONE email in 6 months.

Good luck.

[tman]

Thanks guys for the advice.

 

Yes it is contact but it would be foolish to jump the gun and give her any control or show her my cards/emotions.

 

h_b_k_02 I could more than handle seeing her and I am not bothered if i meet her or not. Its this new attitude that will surprise and make things difficult for her the most i believe.

 

I guess I have known all along what I would do and just needed the opinions of you guys. Its now time to put all that I have learned from the site into action. Believe me this site is a god send and i am now really appreciating its existence.

 

You are right Webchick, I will react slowly. (loving the iou and food stamp ideas)

 

I am now on my way out to party the weekend away. I'll get back to her in my own time some time next week probably and send her an email saying a check will be in the post in a few days/ a week. (unless she really needs it 'cos she's in a pickle, i am not going to be an a**hole and use it as a way of getting back at her).

 

heartbroken23, cheers mate, I hope you are right and I will be letting her do all the chasing and work if it pans out that way. i have also been reading your latest developments and just want to say hang in there dude. It will make you strong and I can tell you from my own experience, it will offer you a new perspective in how to deal with things. 8)

[tman]

Hi guys,

 

Just a quick update.

 

I ended up replying to her email sunday night (3 days after her first email), basically saying that I would send her a cheque in a week or 2 or try to get some cash to her sooner if it was urgent. I also asked her to get back to me with a figure of how much i owed her as i am unsure (around £200) and also asked her to let me know if all this was ok with her.

 

Its now Friday (5 days later) and I have still had no reply. Just wondering whats going on? If she needed it as badly as she said, or even 'because of the fact she emailed me for the money in the first place, why has she not replied?

 

After communicating with me after 6 months of nc, why is she now taking ages with the reply? or is it just me being impatient and still shocked that she got in contact.? hmmmm

[misslonelyheart]

Hi tman,

 

I would think that the fact that she hasn't replied to your email tells me that it was more about contacting you than about the money otherwise she would have responded by now - if she really just wanted the money, she would tell you how much, etc.

 

You have stumped her with your reply - you were very matter of fact, agreeing to send the money, asking how much, all very practical with no emotional fluff - she probably wasn't expecting that. By simply agreeing to send the money, you have ended the need for any more contact so I imagine that she is currently trying to think of how to keep the contact going beyond the money issue.

 

I would recommend holding out for her to contact you and do not send her the money until she tells you how much - you need to know that and she should at least have the courtesy to reply seeing as she has asked for the money.

 

Hang in there!

[tman]

Cheers Missy.....I hope so....

 

Its now a week and no reply, she's really beginning to screw with my head (women!!! joke).

 

I do know that if the role had been reversed I would have replied to the emails a little quicker especially if i had initiated contact and requested something from her. It seems to me now that it either shows a lack of respect towards me and she just wanted the money, or like you said my reply has stumped her and she is pondering her next move. Doesn't matter though i refuse to analyse her and get myself involved in any mind games of any sort. (does anyone else have an idea of what may be going on?)

 

I do feel though like i am regressing slightly, waitng for emails again, started dreaming deeply about her again, and also my feelings for her are coming back strongly. Its been really tough lately aswell with the nice bout of weather. I really am not looking forward to this summer as it will remind me of her and some of the best times we had, i.e lying together in the park, sitting outside a cafe or bar enjoying a drink, chatting, barbecues etc.

 

I guess i will have to continue nc for my own sanity, to continue getting over her or to at least let her make the first attempts of contact.

However, I can't help but feel that with the intensity of the emotions and love I feel for her I should try and be bold and initiate contact myself and tell her how I feel. Or would that just be a waste of the hard work i have put in tothis 6 months nc and a big let down to myself.

 

Anyways how are you doing these days? how are the good to bad day ratio going hope its been going up instead of down like mine have slightly taken.

[misslonelyheart]

hi tman,

 

I'm doing ok thanks. NC is doing me the world of good, although I have to contact him about joint financial issues which i am not looking forward to as I have done so well not having any contact for 10 weeks now, I feel that although it is necessary, it will set me back a bit..oh well.

 

 

Now to you...If it has been a week and she hasn't replied, I suggest sending a message along the lines of "haven't heard from you, need to know how much money i owe you. hope you are ok"...this is not over the top, just asking for the information you need but also caring about how she is..simple. see how it goes from there.

 

If I was her and I was really only interested in getting the money, I would definitely have replied by now tellling you how much you owe me, that is what tells me that there is more to this.

 

I know what you mean about the summer...it makes me very sad to think of the lovely sunny, hot days to come that we would normally spend sitting outside pubs or on the beach (i live by the sea!) or in parks with a picnic..all these things that he will probably be doing with someone else.

 

Your ex may be trying to find a way back to you, so keep communication calm, casual and pleasant, but don't be too defensive, which is easy to do when you want to protect your heart but If you want her back and she wants to come back, don't put up a brick wall. leave her a way to get back in!

 

good luck!

[tman]

Thanks fot the post. I guess you are right if the money was important she would have replied. I'll just wait and see what her next move is.

 

Feel a lot better today, its raining!! for some reason I have found that when it's not sunny I am a lot happier. Must be the memories brought back by the good weather.

 

Well done on reaching 10 weeks nc though, I found it a lot easier after the 3 month mark. I hope you manage to resolve the financial issues with your ex with as little stress for you as possible.

[tman]

Logged into messenger last night and she was there (she did block me in the 1st 2 months, but since then we had both ignored each other when online).

So surprise surpirise....She initiated contact through IM and we talked for about an hour. She started by apologising for not replying sooner and told me that she had just sent me an email. We then had a really good conversation, nothing serious though, and no mention about the relationship. We had each other in stitches, like we always used to, (we both get and have the same type of snse of humour, which she said she had missed). Anyway we talked about how our work, family and life in general was, just general small talk, i could sense though that she was quite happy to talk to me, but don't know if she just missed me as a friend.

 

With the money issue it seems that she wont need it for another month or 2 which is quite strange seeing as when she first emailed me it was deemed urgent. However she does need it badly then so there is some element of truth in it (may be losing her job in August).

 

I had to check myself though and realised I needed to play it smart so I said that i had to go in the middle of the convo, which she first ignored i think. I then i said it again, this time saying it was late (1.30am) and we started to wind up the convo which took another 10 mins with her saying twice "spk soon ok?" (i just ignored it) plus she kept ending with xx, then xxxx, which I thought was quite weird.

 

So......proper contact has been made, not sure where it is leading, but i guess i will just have to feel her intentions out, without getting my hopes up, she could just be being nice tomake sure she gets the money. I dont know. Women huh?!!!

 

One thing though, with all the strength that nc has given me to talk to her confidently and happily without bringing up the relationship situation, I am unsure as to how much I can do. I am already missing her again (especially after last nights convo which brought memories back) and afraid i may get hurt if i get close again even as a friend. I feel bad b'cos I think i only want contact if it is going to lead somewhere, not for friendship. That would hurt too much and was one of the main reasons why I started nc in the first place.

 

Obviously nc is still in place from my side, all contact will still have to be initiated by her.

(thanks for listening to my vent guys. )

[tman]

I was wondering if you guys could help me out with a few questions i have beeen recently pondering. This mainly applies to those of you who did start getting contact from the ex after an extended period of time (2 months +).

 

1. How long was the period of nc for?

 

2. How intermittent was the contact in the beginning once contact had been re-established?

 

3. How did you feel between calls/contact.....optimistic, confused as to where this was leading or in fact healthy for your healing?

 

4. Did you get back together?

 

Cheers guys, your input would be much appreciated.

[tman]

In relation to your answer to querstion 3...

 

Quote:

3. How did you feel between calls/contact.....optimistic, confused as to where this was leading or in fact healthy for your healing?

 

With each contact, I can't seem to put down to words how I feel but its definitely not a good feeling. Jolt me out of the blue. I'll be sending her an email to tell her not to contact me for an indefinite period.

 

That is somewhat how I tend to feel, yet mixed with some sense of optimism (in case their is a chance to get back together). That is a hard juggling act there in itself as one thing that i have learnt is that if you truly want something you need to have a belief in your self and the thing you are aiming for, for that thing to become reality. But one must still be realistic and not give oneself false hope.

 

Having not heard from her again in a while i am beginning to regret that nc was broken. While in NC I knew where i stood because I put myself in the position and i guesss was in control . I was in control of whether to contact her or not and I guess I kind of had settled for the the fact that she may not contact me ever again, and to just get on with it. Now time feels like it is standing still or slowed down again, which I hate and am trying to reverse, by getting out and staying busy.

 

Now that contact has been made I am now thrown into a posiotion of not "will she call" but "when and why". I also wonder whether I should take the initiative and contact her.

 

The 6 months progress I had made emotionally has definitely been pushed back by a month or 2. But fortunately the mental mind set and knowledge I have learnt over the same period of time can not be taken from me. I would be a fool not to use it and put it into practice as it is the one thing that will ensure that when all is done, and even if I dont I have my ex back, i will still have my pride and dignity intact.

[alphonsefa]

1. How long was the period of nc for?

 

2 1/2 months, and 3 1/2 since we've seen each other. The only contact we had on that 3 1/2 month stretch was a month after the last break up. I sent her an email telling her I'm sorry things turned out the way they did between us and that I loved her and always will; I never begged her or for that matter asked her to come back. The next night I followed the email up with a phone call, asked her if we could talk, and she emphatically said, "NO"! I said, "well I wanted to talk with you, but if that's your attitude, I'm sorry I called. Then I calmly hung up, and we then had no contact for another 2 1/2 months.

 

 

2. How intermittent was the contact in the beginning once contact had been re-established?

 

This past Tuesday, June 7th, was the first she's called me in 2 1/2 months. This was a girl that told me angrily, that "I will never call you again". She's good at turning her emotions on and off so when the next contact may be, I don't know. It could be next week, or knowing her, it could be never again.

 

3. How did you feel between calls/contact.....optimistic, confused as to where this was leading or in fact healthy for your healing?

 

Honestly, I'm ticked off that she is so self centered and malicious as to continue the game playing by calling just to see how I've been doing. O could've dropped dead in the first 3 1/2 months and she would've never acknowledged my death, now she is suddenly concerned about my welfare?! What is that about??? I'm also confused and hate havig those feelings back. Everything becomes and analyzation again. I now think about why she called, what was the purpose of the call, and will she call again. She was very self centered during our time together. She'd hurt you in the blink of an eye ifit meant getting what she wanted. I had all but written her off before she called. Her last boyfriend of six years abused her. mistly mentally, but some physical too. She'd break up with him for 2 to 3 months at a time and then get back together with him. Basically I told her off at the end, in a very non threatening way, never laid a hand on her, nor would I. I figured she didn't truly care abut me because I was being given the exile treatment, and yet the boyfriend that brought her life pain and turmoil was good enough to always get back together with. Knowing that hurt very greatly, but it helped me accept how little I must've really meant to her. Now thus stupid phone call has sent me back to square one again. I don't know what to think anymore now.

 

4. Did you get back together?

 

I highly doubt it. This is a pattern for her. She knows I care for and that contacting me would do nothing but get my hopes up again. Yet to call just to see how I've been seems like the same old typical games and nothing but having the relatioship on her terms again. The other wild card dynamic of this relationship is that I do have another woman in my life that I care for very greatly, yet a long term future with her is extremely doubtful given circumstances that I'd rather not mention. It's a very old firlfriend that I re-establihed contact with after the Ex dumped me. But I know for certain, If I went back with my Ex, I'd absolutely lose her forever, and I don't know if that's a sacrafice that I'm willing to make. My fear is that if I go back to the EX, things blow up again in a month or two, like they always have in the past, and then I've lost both women. Even though present circumstances dictate that a long term fiture is highly unlikely with the present girl, I love her greatly, and have gotten the same from her in returm. She has never hurt me, nor do I think she ever would. Going back to the Ex right now is an all or nothing bet, and I don't think she's steady enough to warrant such a bet. So I use my fear of losing the present woman as strength to stay strong and not contact the Ex, for if I do contact her, things would get very complicated, and people would get hurt emotionally very soon. I have no idea how this will play out now.

[danimal77]

Alphonsefa,

 

Keep up YOUR morale. The progress you've made is what you should focus in on right now. As a buddy of mine has told me time and time again, "don't allow yourself to get roped into HER confusion"....

 

I would highly advise that you don't STAY angry at her for the things she has done and put you through. I am not saying what she has done has been fair, because it isn't (my ex has put me through an identical situation, all the while making me feel like she was giving ME another chance)..

 

One thing I would strongly suggest you maintain, is your awareness of the situation and what YOU feel is appropriate for your standards and your own well-being. In the state that you are currently in, it is safe to say that you are not as naive as you once were, in regards to her "games" as they were. You're a man and her actions were that of a little girl... Maintain your own stand and my friend, if she calls again and I don't know why, but I have the feeling she will, let HER do the work this time around...

 

For what it's worth, I do admire the strength you have acquired and the ability to tell yourself NO MORE...You're valuing your own worth, which will FORCE her to do the same and only good can come from that, regardless of the outcome...

 

Good Luck and STAY STRONG!!!

 

Danimal

[tman]

One thing that struck me in your post Alphonsefa was this....

 

 

4. Did you get back together?

 

I highly doubt it. This is a pattern for her. She knows I care for and that contacting me would do nothing but get my hopes up again

 

Here you have sort of answered your own question on how to progress with the situation. She is "taking the piss" with you, if you mind me being so harsh, and leading you on if she is contacting you for no particular reason, except to fulfill her need to check up on your current situation. The only way that her actions can be validated is if she and you wanted a frienship.

 

If she is not pursuing a relationship with you and she knows that contacting you is confusing for u and nothing but a game, then she is certainly not worth your time my friend.

 

Take the control from her and dont play her game. In the end this may

 

1. Shock her and make the chances of reconciliation more favourable or

 

2. At least put you in a position from which you cant lose.

 

This goes along the same line of viewpoints that Danimal77 (one of the enotalone memebers that I admire) has just posted and I totally agree with.

 

Good luck for now dude and keep us posted on the situation.

[tman]

Hey there Enotalone, i am back......been away to Barcelona for a week to celebrate my birthday, which was excellent!!! A city Iwould highly recommend you guys to visit.

A special to thanks to theEnotalone management and all those who have sent me b'day wishes.

 

Update.......

 

After a month of nc again since our first proper nc through IM and via email I was getting frustrated with the fact that no more contact had been made. But i decided to get on with things, keep nc up and enjoy my life.

Lo and behold she emails me today, again about the money i owed, which we had agreed to be paid at the end of this month, but also about her telling me how bad she has had things lately. She was saying things like she has hardly bought any new clothes since February, things are as bad as they were at uni (where she and i met and i helped her out a lot emotionally and financially) and that she has had a lot on.

One thing that has really gotten to me is that she says in the email,

 

"Please come to my rescue if you can. "

 

(I am trying so hard not to read too much into this....)

She also says that this is a short email and the next will be longer, showing that she intends to be in contact more now.

she signed off with the nickname i used to give her something she did not do in previous emails and with xxx.

 

So onceagain i am left wondering what it all means, is she being nice to ensure i pay up,or seeking more. I do not intend to dwell on it, I cant afford to. But any advice from you guys would be welcome, then i can just forget about it and let things progress in their own time.

[tman]

c'mon guys give me your views please

[shockeddismayed]

tman,

 

I'm the pal of Danimal's that said "don't let yourself get roped into HER confusion".

 

Stop for a while and think about what that means.... she is having a tough time... she is a bit messed up... and what does she do?

 

She asks you to rescue her!??!? That's not your job anymore! And you deserve better than to be placed at her beckon call.

 

Remind yourself what YOU want from her... you want for her to admit her wrong... for her to tell you how she feels... for her to put in the effort and make things right.

 

Afterall, SHE dumped you. That took guts for her to do that.... don't let her sneak back into your life without showing that she can apply that same bravery to BUILDING the relationship instead of tearing it down.

 

Keep her chasing you.

 

My response to her would be this: Mail her the cheque, with a friendly little note... " Hey Ex, I'm feeling for you... but don't worry, you can get through these tough times. I'm not sure how much of a saviour this cheque will be, but I suppose every little bit helps. Keep your chin up.".

 

Or something like that... don't offer anything more... but don't pull the rug out either. What you need to do is call her bluff on the saviour comment... don't let her play games. If she wants you back she can come RIGHT OUT AND SAY IT... perhaps the saviour comment was a test in that direction, perhaps not. For today, your interpretation will be that it was a business driven comment referring only to the money you owe her. If she feels you've misinterpretted, it is up to her to stop playing games and tell you what she is after. Your response back to her will be polite, it will be slightly open, but it will show her that you aren't going to play little games, and that if she is worthy of you, she won't play them either.

 

Then, remind, remind, remind yourself that you are a confident man, and you will not tolerate anything less than FULL VALUE for who you are.

 

There can be many ways for her to prove her intentions to you.....

 

You haven't seen it yet... all you've seen is her fishing for a saviour. Let her prove that she is independent enough to GIVE to this relationship instead of take.

 

You deserve that.

 

Modified NC.... exercise..... keep on keepin' on as if she doesn't exist until her efforts become impossible to ignore...

 

S&D

[danimal77]

T-Man,

 

Thanks for the compliment man...Not much to admire. We all possess strength. We just have to believe in ourselves and let no one and nothing deter us from attaining our goals, whatever they may be....

 

Okay, onto the subject at hand...Firstly, I don't really trust her intentions all that much. She is "playing" that lost, confused and hurt puppy dog routine, which I can see through and you should as well. She was strong enough to end it with you and thereforeeee, you are under NO obligation to attend to her needs and "SAVE" her or "RESCUE" her...The only person you should be concerned about right now is you and ONLY you...Those people that come and go in your life and only show their face when they are in need, are NOT people you can A. rely on, or B. should even want to...

 

Now, I have a certain attachment to your situation in particular, seeing it revolves around owing money to your ex, of which I do as well...

 

I don't want to stray away from your situation, but just so you know, I have not seen my ex in exactly 2 months and have had NO contact at all in exactly one month....Before stopping all contact (her wish, not mine), she was all for me paying her back, but she changed her mind when she realized that it would mean that we would still have that link, of which she no longer wanted, seeing she was putting herself out there for at least 2 other men that I knew of....

 

In any case, time, as it usually does, has some fantastic effects on our psyche and on our perspective...What once seemed so very important tends to lose it's urgency and value and anger dissipates. We see things more clearly and we gain the strength and acquire the wisdom to use our logic and not our feelings, because feelings change, but our heads are usually consistent....What all that means is that we begin to realize just what the RIGHT to do is, but more importantly, what's RIGHT for ourselves and it becomes less about them...

 

I don't know where you are at in your healing stage and coming to terms with what you had and where you now are and where you would like to be...However, wherever you are, I highly advise that you do NOT lose sight of your own personal accomplishments and allow yourself to get influenced by her indecisiveness and confusion and mixed and ambiguous signals and messages...Have NO part of it...She had the courage to end it and SO, let her gain the courage to say what she really feels without having you figure it out on your own...

 

Furthermore, SHE was to ask you for the money and you replied, YET, after a full week she had not yet replied. I don't like that. To me, that's bs and don't stand for it.

 

As Shocked and Dismayed stated, you are not at her beg and call....Continue to lead your own life and if she wants to catch up you, let her get her own act together, as she FORCED you to do for yourself when she left you...

 

Send her a check and don't ask her how much she needs. Give her what you feel like giving her and leave it at that...I will be doing the exact same thing, but not just yet. I come first, with my own bills. She is second, or third, or.......You get my point...

 

Good luck and stay strong...

 

Danimal

[tman]

S&D, Danimal......guys thanks for the great response. It has definitely put a different and positive perspective on the situation which to be honest has been messing with my mind big time. Thank god u guys responded because i have made some major mistakes in the past few days regarding the ex. but i am happy cos

 

1. I realise how i was handling the situation incorrectly and

2. I dont think I have done anything too bad from which I can not recover from in time.

 

Applying the insight you guys have given has confirmed a lot for me especially the part of the "lost puppy", only coming to me in times of need, and expecting me to be her saviour.

 

Over the weekend she chatted to me again on IM (which she now instigates when i am online, something she did not do for 7 months, i never start the convo, following the rules of a relaxed nc).

I have a new pic up on my messenger profile which she made a comment about on how nice my body was, and how she remembers how well toned and fit i was,... not just from the pic but from what she remembers too. This obviously baffled and unbalanced me through out the conversation in which i know i gave too much. When i look back at it there were many things on her side which were just not right and things i did in response that were wrong

 

From her

1. Telling me she misses me big time and my humour, our friendship, closeness, chats and jokes, me calling her by our secret nickname, .....all on numerous occasions

2. Asking me for career advice and constantly complimenting my career advancement

3. Complimenting my body more than twice

4. Hinting that we she would like to have sex with me

5. Asking me about other women i may be seeing and trying to tell me about how she doesn't care about men at the moment and is being a bit%^ to them and using them (but being honest to them about it). She styled it in a way where she said she was showing that she was now ok to talk to me and help me with my woman hassles and thouight i was in the same frame of mind to which i told her that i was not cool with this type of talk.

6. Telling me she will never have another man like me, how much of a good husband i would make and how no other man will have her like i did (what is all that about?)

 

 

I obviuosly ended up, i now feel, falling for her easing of the situation and convo, so.... so stupidly.... I

 

1. Did not break off the convo quicker (we chatted for 1hr+)

2. Opened up to her how much i still felt, but lucky for me i said it would be the reason why I could not have a frienship with her (i am still wondering which route would be best if i wanted her back, frienship or continue the way i am going with nc/modified nc)

3. Not acting confident enough, i did boost myself but showed i believe that i was still a little unhappy without her

(all these can and will be reversed definitely now when i spk to her next)

4. The most stupid thing was me asking if i stilll had a chance with her to which she changed the subject and hinting it was down to chemistry which she did not know was still there and was too scared to find out in case I GOT HURT!!! give me a break

 

All in all I did too much too soon. But after writng it down and applying the knowledge and insight that the 2 of u have provided I can clearly see that there is a lot more to this on her side than meets the eye.

 

Peeps learn from my mistakes cos i will. I guess i got caught up in the heat of the moment and did not apply all that i had learnt from the site. I now wonder if i am really ready to communicate with her, but am man enough to admit that i made a few mistakes and need to step back from the situation for a bit.

 

I did end the convo sensibly saying it was all too much now and the frienship which she was asking for would be impossible so i think it would be best not to chat in the near future anymore. However she was online again last night (which recently she is hardly on, unless she has been talking to me), but we ignored each other.

[danimal77]

T-Man, sorry to say, but you did ALL of the wrong things. Firstly, it's clear that you want her back and your happiness much relies on her being part of your life. I know this now, the other people reading this on Enotalone know this, as does your ex...

 

If you were did admire what I had to contribute to Enotalone in these last couple of years, you would then have know that I would never have advised or condoned that you did all that you with her. Keeping NC is NC. It's not allowing yourself to be visible to her on MSN and especially not chatting with her for over an hour and then telling her your feelings and then asking her if you have a chance with her....

 

After having read that I can honestly say that I am not sure how far you have come in your progress and to her it will have been 0%...She now knows where you stand and how you feel about her and now she doesn't have to make ANY effort at all and she WON'T as a result of you confessing what you did...

 

I think you know all of this. You felt that perhaps by going with your heart and feelings you had a chance at making her realize just who she left behind, but it will have given her the chance to be confident in her decision and leave her with NO regret. If you would have remained strong, aloof, indifferent, vague, detached and formal but friendly and gotten in and out of that conversation in less than 10 minutes, without revealing anything, then maybe you would be re-stimulating her feelings for you, but all you did was the anti-seductive tip and sorry to say, it's not going to work and you can't take that back....

 

There's not much else I can say, because you clearly are a man who acts on impulse and his feelings and I suspect that's what drove her away in the first place. She doesn't want to see that side of you. She wanted to work in regaining your LOST interest and not know that you are NOT happy without her. That turned her off and of course she will profess that the chemistry is not there. TELL HER that it is NOT THERE and watch her advocate the opposite...

 

Anyways, you took it to the extreme my friend and I really don't think there is anything I or Shocked and Dismayed or anyone else who can undo that....

 

She now knows how you feel. The mystery of NOT knowing if you were moving on is solved and I advise you truly do NC again, by taking her off your MSN list. She shouldn't be seeing your body or be discussing it...Be a strong and independent man and not something who can be made to feel the way she makes you feel, or more so how you ALLOW yourself to feel....

 

Good luck to you,

 

Danimal

[tman]

Dan dude... first cheers for the quick response.

 

Secondly...about me doing the wrong things....you think I do not know this dude. My saving grace is that it has shown me where the weknesses are in my healing and what I have to now develop.

 

Emotions do get in the way of things and that is where I fell, but hopefully it wont happen again. I know that I can be happy without her but felt it may push her away and make her give up if i told her this as this may be what she wants. I dunno its all so confusing and f%%$%d

 

NC will be enforced again, and as of last night I have already blocked her from my msn.

 

I dont think I have progressed 0% in my healing cos i know that I would have dealt with this even more wrongly 8 months ago. You say i took it to the extreme, but i also feel i was pushed by what she was saying to me, she got to me with her mixed messages...damn she did (yet really and truly if i had acted in an independent manner it would not have got that far).

[tman]

Dan ... and anyone else who may have been following the post...

 

I see myself as a morally conscious person and there are a few conflicting views I have with a lot of the advice posted here on the board especiially when it comes to playing games.

 

My main one is how does one effctively decide when to be honest with someone and when to be deceptive or lie. Essentially I have ended up feeling that I was wrong to tell the ex how I really felt and should have instead given her an image of myself which did not exist. She asked how i felt and I was honest. Was that right or is this where vagueness and aloofness comes into play (or is that too gameplay). If there was any hope of reconciliation is it better for it to be based on honesty rather than manipulation, or am I just being unrealistic.

 

Maybe I am just trying to condone my actions but your view/s would be valued.

[Ripples]

tman my man - Welcome to the club!

 

Like Dan says you unfortunately played a bum hand. Dont take this negatively, I fell for it four times with my ex!!

 

But now, at last, I get it. After 8 weeks of NC (again) she sends me a non text this last saturday evening. By non text I mean that it said nothing. It was empty and designed solely to hook me in so she could see me squirm on about how much I love her. Luckily I have at last managed to figure out what this really meant and sent one back a couple of hours later that gave nothing away. She replied immediately and I ignored it. Again it was a nothing comment and didn't deserve the expense of a reply!

 

Am I playing games? Absolutely not.

Am I trying to move forwards now and maintain my sanity? Absolutely.

Was I being honest to myself? Of course! I saved 10p on a text!!

 

This isn't about games, this is about you and your integrity. This girl is manipulating you.

 

Just remember, (as dan and S & D said) until she starts communicating with you in an honest, clear and meaningful way, dont get involved. Be polite if you respond but give nothing away about your life or feelings even if you do still love her completely. You know the routine, you have done it before. This is not playing games it is called "healing"

 

She is trying to keep your fires burning with meaningless drivel. Until she starts throwing solid fuel on dont spark up!