Why is he doing this and how can I get better?

[salmonhead_uk]

Hey all!

First post but I've been reading the threads and decided I may as well just see if any of you can give me the amazing help you've given to others.

19 days ago me and my boyfriend broke up. In fact, he dumped me (but denies that saying that 'dumping means telling someone to get out of your life, which I'm not doing'.

 

So what happened I hear you cry!

 

We have been together for 1 year and 10 months. Living separately at our respective parents homes, and dreaming of the future. I've been at uni and he at work (but going to uni after my advice this year). My ex cheated on me. He didn't have sex with the girl, he got very drunk and took ecstasy while i was sitting in studying and ended up kissing another girl and then sleeping in her bed. He swears there was no sex, as does she. He didn't tell me. She did. We went out to a birthday party and toward the end of the evening I spoke to the girl as he'd admitted to having slept at hers but not to anything else. She got upset and admitted they kissed alot but nothing more. Rather than talking to me he left and went home. Drunkenly fueled some hours later I went back and tried to talk to him but he wouldn't talk - so I hit him. I know that sounds crazy, it was more fistycuffs in frustration, but he holds this against me.

 

We talked after that for ages, he cried and apologised for letting me down (up until now he has been sweet and totally faithful, ever-loyal). We kissed and then slept. When we woke I left the house and went home. We hardly spoke and he agreed to meet me later to talk.

 

We went somewhere neutral and he couldn't really chat to me. He cried a lot, and said maybe he needed a break. I (foolishly i realise now) said breaks were for cowards and we should be together or not. He chose not.

I know it sounds odd because it should have been my call. But when we first got together I had recently split from an ex of two years, and hearing he was going away slept with him. I told the new-ex a week after it happened, and we agreed to keep going as I loved him and had made a huge mistake. So I guess I felt that kissing a girl was not a big deal so long as it was a mistake.

 

He then went on to say that the girl was 'lovely' and that he couldn't not see her (she is his best friends little sister). That killed as I ignored the ex I had mistakenly slept with and have never seen or contacted him again.

It was left a bit up in the air, and we met the next evening and he'd decided he hadn't been happy for ages. We argued too much. I made him unhappy - it was the only way he could think he'd cheat on me. He said he loved me, that I'd always be welcome in his home, that I was beautiful, stunning, a brilliant person, but that we were not suited, he'd known for a long time but not wanted to hurt me (I've only just got over depression). I felt patronised and belittled.

 

He continued to email, msn, text goodnight, but after a few days of not eating and crying (and not being able to do uni work) i asked him to leave me alone. NC. His brother says im great, his sisters the same, his mother also. I broke no contact and msn'd him - stupidly asking him if we were ever going to get back together. He said so much stuff that it confused me...i love you, i loved you too much, i miss you, i need to make my own decisions right now, i can't explain, we argued too much, you can't rely on anyone etc etc.

 

I told him i still wanted to be with him and so to leave me alone. He did. A week later and he wanted to meet me for a drink. He kept on pushing and so eventually we went out. It was awful. He explained he and the girl he kissed were texting, nothing serious, but getting to be friends, and that he was going out with the guy and girl WE usually went out with to be a foursome...I was paranoid and devestated. I cried and cried in front of him, begged him to take me back, said I'd change. He hugged me and told me I could do better, and that we weren't star-crossed lovers there are many people for everyone. He then french kissed me, told me he was 'all heated up' went home and text me 'its all part of healing'. It seems he wanted rid of me for ages.

 

I haven't seen him since then until tonight. I bumped into him at the cinema and he gave me 3 ENORMOUS hugs, told me i was stunning, and that he missed me, and i stupidly said 'why can't you do these things you need space for while still being with me', he replied - no it wouldn't work with two, but that he isn't 'having sex with everything that moves' and 'only not contacting cos i told him not to'.

 

I want him to love me so much. His sister tells me all he does is get drunk and stoned now. Male friends of mine say to ignore him while he has his 'mid-lad crisis' and soon he'll be kicking himself wanting me back.

What if he doesn't? What if he never wants me? Why want me close but need lad time (im a year older than him and his first relationship, has he jsut got fed up of thinking im the one, and worried he might be missing something better)? He still has all the cards and things I bought him in his room and made a big deal about the fact he's keeping them up.

He said not to wait for him cos he didn't know if things would fruit, but he wants to be unrestricted and unreliant on anyone else.

 

Life isn't that different really - Im pretty independent, but i have little friends, so can't go out like he is with all his male friends, and get trolleyed! Plus after the depression I don't think alcohol will help me any.

I don't hate myself because I really know I haven't done anything. i know we suit but that over the last few months he's been unhappy, and maybe wanted to revert to childish drunkenness without a nagging girl holding him back? They all say he'll get it out of his system and wonder what he's done. Why am i letting him do this to me? Why is he in my dreams so that every morning im sick and upset?

 

What shall I do with myself? Will he want me again?

Sorry so long - I just need someone. Putting a brave face on for the world and dying inside! xx

[Falucchi]

Let's see- this one sounds like a real winner!

 

He uses drugs

he cheats on you

he lies about cheating on you

he "breaks" with you regularly to go fool around with god-knows-who

he purposefully confuses you with his love/hate game

He just hangs around getting drunk and stoned...

 

And you want him?

Seriously-- THIS is the man of your dreams??????

This lying, cheating, drugged anorak is THE man for you?

 

Okay.... then... before we get into how HE might feel, why don't you do some serious therapy and find out why YOU desperately want a lying, cheating, drugger to want you.

Is this the guy you want to be the father of your children?

Is this the guy you trust to be a faithful, loyal husband?

 

God, if I came accross this loser, I'd run 10 miles in the ither direction.

 

Despite whatever "nice" things about this guy you can come up with, he's STILL a lying, cheating, drugger.

Why in God's name do you want him??

[salmonhead_uk]

I know!

That's what i keep thinking! Maybe I'm just so shocked that he gets to reject me...maybe he knows if he didn't do it first he could have suffered worse.

It sounds stupid but he was a bit of a tear-away when i first met him, and obviously i was his experimental first relationship, so all the drugs stopped, the obsession with friends, etc. But i guess the novelty wore off and back he went to the arms of crappy people and warped drugs.

Its just that I am so cross to have been left. I have stuck through so much - so many beatings up about being 'pathetic' when i got diagnosed with depression, so many silly fights where he left me (including my 21st birthday). I so wanted him to remain the lovely guy I first met and he just gradually showed his true colours.

Its so hard to let go of someone you thought you connected with but HAS changed so completely. I know he's done me a favour...so why am I still dreaming horrid dreams, waking up with a fist-like winded feeling in my gut, and constant thoughts about him?!

How can I get it into my mind that he IS this bad person now, and NOT the guy I fell for?!

[punchy504]

counseling might help

[Falucchi]

Hey listen-- be GLAD, be REALLY GLAD you didn't end up with him on drugs, getting busted, getting pregnant, smoking dope, and on the dole.

 

You'll get over it-- seriously, you will. It takes time. It' shard, and it takes time, but it'll go away.

 

Meanwhile, go do something fun and healthy and makes you feel good.

Just think, thank God I didn't get stuck with this loser. I mean- can you imagine if you were pregnant right now??? Or in jail??

 

You are really lucky.

[salmonhead_uk]

I know you are right...I just wish I'd stop feeling like such a sorry lonely girl! But then, he was never around anyway - it's only cos im letting my thoughts run away with me.

He text me to let me know how happy he was yesterday, EXTREMELY patronising - i wonder what he was on! HAHA!

Then a bit later text to say he 'needs time to focus on himself, and can't be with me and wishes I'd be happy but knows it'd only last so long until we argue again.'

Don't think I need counselling - I mean, all the emotions I have are for a reason and i can quite clearly see that - someone has hurt me and because i am NOT a drug addict or an alcoholic type of person I have reacted like any normal person. I logically know that with time it will fade - i think the biggest thing is NC. I try and then i end up texting him. And so far I've seen him roughly once every week and allowed him to hug me and tell how amazing I am - and allowed myself to belittle my situation by looking so forlorn.

I'm gonna go cold turkey on this guy - because that is what he is now, some guy who doesn't deserve me - and just keep plodding on til my brain gets bored of thinking about it!