Help!

[DragonGirl724]

you cant go wrong with eating & drinking and getting to know eachother on a casual stroll around town...see where your feet take you.

 

-DG724

[jflatt]

Well, my date is coming up tonight. I am excited for it yet at the same time very nervous. I mean this is the first time in 4.5 yrs that I have gone on a date with someone new. I have a very good feeling about the date though and hopefully things will work out great. Any more advice for me to get me to be less nervous about things?

 

Dragongirl, I think you are right. I have a few ideas in mind for after dinner but I will see where things go and just go from there. Sound like a good idea?

 

Wish me Luck!

[auburnslp]

nope, no advice for you there...

 

if you are nervous, that means you are excited, feel anticaption, feel the butterfly's...and I wouldn't want to diminish those feelings in any way-that is what life is all about...the unknown, the excitement-nope, no advice there at all...

 

Have a fantastic time, be yourself...that's the only advice I have for you...Michael

[chai714]

jflatt,

I would not go jumping into the dating world, without being more healed up. There are other ways to treat lonliness - one of them is learning how to make your own life more fulfilling and the other is to work on self-improvement. They both go hand in hand. Immediately following my breakup, I began volunteering at a local hospital. I'm still doing it because I enjoy it and it provides to me, some form of emotional fulfillment. One thing you might consider, is planning activities that fill your time. Become involved heavily in a hobby, sport, or both. To help you deal with your feelings, keep a journal. This will literally help clear your mind. Another is to read books. There is an unlimited amount of wisdom out there and you can never read too many books. I'm sure you're interested in something. If you like sailboats, get a book on sailboats. Become informed. It also makes for good conversation for your future dates - you become a more interesting person as a result.

 

So, for now focus on healing up, finding new interests, and improving yourself. I also forgot to mention the gym. Get your butt in there and work through those emotions. Some of my best workouts have been when I was going through some form of strong emotion. Your body will thank you for the workouts, and your brain will thank you for the knowledge you instill inside. Remember, you're in control.

[jflatt]

I just thought I would update everyone. My date Friday night was awesome. We ate at Applebee's and talked for like 2.5 hrs. There was no awkard silence at all, straight conversation clear through the 2.5 hrs. She seemed really interested in wanting to know about me and wanting to learn more about my interests. I am really into racing and Nascar, she doesn't know much about it but she wants to go see the Nascar IMAX movie with me Friday night. Which I thought was awesome. After we ate we went to see the Longest Yard which was a very funny movie. I am getting excited about getting to see her again Friday night and hopefully everything goes well again. She seemed really nice, sweet and caring. Overall an awesome girl that I want to get to know better. I will try to put up another update Saturday after the date.

[gradle]

hi jf!

how are you doing today? i've been keeping up with your story for a little while now and am happy to hear that you seem to be feeling better....

as far as the dating thing goes, i'm all for it for you! i mean, dating doesn't have to be this serious thing...dating should be fun, and it doesn't signify a huge committment...it's just to get to know someone else better.... so just have fun with it.. ok? no serious expectations, just good conversation, some good food, and i always like to add some good drinks

 

as far as your ex...i tend to agree with auburn the most...i don't think she's this evil girl...i think she's a girl that loves you very much, but you are right, she is needy and seems to want a lot of people's attention. she seems confused...i think when people who are so young get into serious relationship at a young age...they often wonder what else is out there..not necessarily thinking that there's something better. just what else?, you know? and when someone like you and i get involved with these people, we tend to get hurt, b/c we're so sure that we've found what we want out of a future partner...but they're just not ready...

i think you're doing great, and i don't necessarily think friendship is a bad thing, but please understand that it might not help your chances in the future, especially if one of you is not ready to have the other dating...when j and i did nc for over a year, the next time we started dating..it was like we were two different people, more mature, more ready...maybe you and you're lady need to be like that. we never ever ever pretended to be just friends, we always told each other how we felt about each other, even if we were dating someone else at the time....

 

this new guy just sounds like a rebound...but i agree, when she's with him, keep doing what you're doing, just sort of avoiding her, and giving her space with this person, as much as it might hurt to know that they're together...i think if she calls and you're still interested in her however, you shoudl try to talk and just be friendly, but avoid calling her, at least until this new relationship is over. if she calls and asks how you feel about her, just avoid it, just ask her why she's with this other person if she cares....you two were together for a very long time, since you were soo young....she has a lot of maturing to do, she needs to grow into a woman and that doesn't happen over night....trust me, i know, if it did i wouldn't go nuts every once in a while on j....

you seem to be good about not talking to her...much better than most....i think you're doing great...but one important thing that i think a lot of people forget to do when they have ex's...don't talk badly about them to others, so if you have mutual friends, if you talk about her, or if they talk about her to you, respond in a way that shows you still have respect for her...this will go much further than anger in not only possibly getting her back, but in your future relationships, and with your mutual friends.

 

also, although none of this sounds as if it is your fault, try and think of the things you wish you coudl have improved about yourself in the relationship, try and think of the things in general about yourself that yhou wish you could improve... and then actually try to do them (its' hard, i know )

 

i know you love this girl, and it seems like you two still have a chance (in the future, keep thinking way in the future), living so close to each other and having mutual friends (although thsi is probably a bad thing if you're jsut trying to get over her), so don't panic, you'll know she's doing ok, and you should make sure you're doing okay as well... i say, keep dating people, try other girls too, have fun and live life as much as you can right now.... take it slowly, day by day, and you'll realize you're slowly getting a little better, time will pass, and one day maybe you won't want her, or maybe she'll realize she was being immature and foolish, or maybe both personally tihink you are an awesome guy and it is her loss...

so keep smiling, try goingto comedy clubs, funny movies, anything to get you to laugh, and keep me updated...i'll keep reading up on you...

love,

g

[jflatt]

I have been recieving a bunch of phone calls where someone calls me listens to me say hello several times, then either hangs up on me or I hang up on them. They have been calling my dorm phone, so I can't use caller ID or *69 to find out who it is. I have received like 10 of these calls and I am not sure what to think of it. I kind of have a gut feeling that my ex is the one that is calling me. I have talked to all my friends and they tell me that they haven't called me. Then Friday night, I got a call from unavailable on my cell phone, whoever it was they didn't say a word and I just ended up hanging up on them after a while. I just don't know what to think about all these weird phone calls.

 

A mutual friend, that is in between my ex and myself, called me yesterday(I haven't talked to her for over 2 weeks). She wanted to know what I was up to and how things were going for me. I told her that I didn't want to talk about my ex, but she brought up my ex anyhow and it just upset me. I have told this mutual friend before to not bring up my ex around me and everytime I see her she brings up my ex. I don't know if she thinks I want to hear about her regardless, even though I tell her not to or if this mutual friend has her own agenda. Like maybe working with my ex to keep me from moving on so that my ex could come back to me if she wanted to, or if this friend is trying to get us back together or whatever. I just don't understand why everytime I talk to her she has to bring up my ex. I just don't know..... This friend told me that she brought up the fact that I thought my ex was calling me and not saying anything to my ex. I guess my ex told her that it wasn't her, that she didn't have my number in her cell phone and that she thought it was stupid for me to think that it was her(my ex) calling me. That wasn't cool of her at all to tell my ex that. I am really starting to think that this mutual friend isn't a very good friend at all for me and that I need to cut this mutual friend off as well. She isn't helping me move along, because she always mentions my ex to me and tells my ex things I told her in confidence that she wouldn't tell her. I kind of feel as if when she called yesterday and went on and on about my ex I moved back in my moving on process. I have told this friend several times that I don't want to talk about my ex and that I don't want to hear about her and she still mentions her everytime I see her. Is it a good idea to go no contact with this mutual friend as well? It seems like I am still in contact with my ex through this mutual friend and that isn't good, right? I almost feel as if this friend and my ex are working together. The mutual friend always mentions my ex, which doesn't let me move on, and I guess helps my ex out if she doesn't know what she wants or whatever. The mutual friend wanted to hang out with me sometime this week, should I just tell her no and go into no contact with her?

 

Another thing that has been bothering me is that a lot of my friends still think that my ex is going to come back around and want to be with me again. It just makes it feel like I can't escape the relationship I had with her if that makes sense. I just don't understand how my friends can be so sure that she will come back around and want to get back with me.

 

Anyhow, things went pretty well on my second date with the new girl. I believe that I am suppose to see her again today, which would be great. I just have a lot of fun with this new girl and she can take my mind off of all this stuff, which is awesome.

[gradle]

if your mutual friend isn't respecting such a simple wish...she's probably not a real friend...and i would avoid her too...

just keep doing what you're doing, i think you're doing awesome!

[btbt]

jflatt, thanks for saying that I give good advice. Now if only could take my own...

 

I think the other posters are right; your ex is confused and is using you as a security blanket. Most people have a rebound period and, whether they know it or not, the relationships during this period will likely be shaky -- what better than to have an ex who can trust who will talk, buy you things and lend them his computer! You seem to know what's going on here, but are still emotionally invovled enough that you are hyper-analyzing every move. And because you have a lot of mutual friends you find out about her antics.

 

I'd say get a change of scenery if you can. Hang out with different friends for a while or if your mutual friends have information to share tell them you don't want to hear about it -- like you have been doing -- and by all means, do not ask about her. This takes a lot of discipline when you have feelings for someone, but you have to do it for your own emotional health.

 

From my personal experience, I had a really great ex who was always the knight in shining armor. We shared the same line of work so even after our breakup I brought work problems to him and once he even nursed me back to health after a nasty breakup with someone else. I never doubted that I loved him and all his care after we broke up confirmed that, but I also did not doubt that I wanted to be with him for the long term. So, as long as he was willing, I leaned on him, but it really took a toll on him emotionally, and for that I felt very sorry.

 

Best of luck with the new girl. But be honest with her. You have lots of emotions flying, so try not to catch her up in your rebound stage, if you feel that's what you're in. And guard your own emotions so you don't jump into this new relationship too quickly and find yourself in the same boat again.

[btbt]

jflatt, thanks for saying that I give good advice. Now if only could take my own...

 

I think the other posters are right; your ex is confused and is using you as a security blanket. Most people have a rebound period and, whether they know it or not, the relationships during this period will likely be shaky -- what better than to have an ex who can trust who will talk, buy you things and lend them his computer! You seem to know what's going on here, but are still emotionally invovled enough that you are hyper-analyzing every move. And because you have a lot of mutual friends you find out about her antics.

 

I'd say get a change of scenery if you can. Hang out with different friends for a while or if your mutual friends have information to share tell them you don't want to hear about it, and for goodness sake, don't ask about her! This takes a lot of discipline when you have feelings for someone, but you have to do it for your own emotional health.

 

From my personal experience, I had a really great ex who was always the knight in shining armor. We shared the same line of work so even after our breakup I brought work problems to him and once he even nursed me back to health after a nasty breakup with someone else. I never doubted that I loved him and all his care after we broke up confirmed that, but I also did not doubt that I wanted to be with him for the long term. So, as long as he was willing, I leaned on him, but it really took a toll on him emotionally, and for that I felt very sorry. Best of luck.

[btbt]

One more thing -- if people are calling you and hanging up the phone, that is really immature. Take the phone off the hook and cut out those dang middlemen!

[benevolent]

I only skimmed over your posts, but I think I share the same sentiment with everyone here. My ex was the same - we were going to get married. In fact, she had promised me that it was just me and her forever and that was that. Six months later - she was gone.

 

This was close to 2 years ago and while I have healed, it still makes me angry when I think about it sometimes. Like your ex, mine wanted to "find herself and be independent." Then she would shift and tell me that she missed me and loved me and all the crap that you are dealing with. Then she would switch again. I basically told her that she had to stick to her decision and deal with any and all consequences that could eventually follow.

 

That's the toughest thing to do, but it's necessary to move on and rework yourself. She also has to work on herself and if she doesn't then she is not worth it. My ex was just as confused, immature, childish as yours was and I refused to allow myself to accept her. At most I would consider it, if she had shown a true 100% change and improvement in herself, i.e. she has to be mature, no longer plays head games and was willing to consistently work at making a successful, caring and loving relationship with me.

 

In any case, having read that your ex is possibly crank calling you says that she still wants that safety net (YOU) to be there. Don't get caught up in that trap dude. Cool that you had an awesome date with a girl that really digs you so focus on that. Like I said earlier, let your ex rue her decision. The grass isn't always greener on the other side...

[jflatt]

I have decided that it is for the best to cut ties to the mutual friend. Even though I thought I could trust her, she has made it very clear through her actions that I can't trust her. I also decided that even though this friend wanted to hang out with me this week, that I shouldn't.

 

I am just worried that my ex will try to come back around this fall. She is going to live in the same dorm building as I am. I just don't know what to do about this. Should I try to avoid her and keep up no contact? I am really worried what is going to stop her from stopping by my room and wanting to talk to me cause I will be there. Any ideas of what to do with this?

[gradle]

give her a few chances to leave you alone, tell her you want to be left alone. after all, it was HER decision to leave...

otherwise...it's called a restraining order

[jflatt]

That mutual friend called my cell phone a couple of times tonight. I didn't answer it when she called and she left a voicemail that said to call her. Should I just continue to not answer the phone when she calls? Should I send this friend something telling her why I am not wanting to talk to her anymore?

[jflatt]

I ran into that mutual friend today in town. I was with a friend that lives on the same floor as I do, and she asked a few questions about this friend. Anyhow, the mutual friend wants me to help move her and her b/f to their town house later on this month and that she would pay me a bit and take me out to eat or something. I was just wondering if people on here thought I should help them move or if something else comes up do that instead? I just thought it was weird how all of a sudden she has time for me but she wants my help, to help her and her b/f move.

[jflatt]

I ran into my ex today. I went into the bookstore with my friend so he could pick up the book for the class we are both in, and outside on the corner waiting to cross the street was my ex. I didn't notice her, but when I looked over at her she was staring at me, I quickly looked away and just continued walking with my friend. I looked back breifly after we crossed the other road(she crossed one road, my friend and myself crossed another) and just say her walking away. I just don't understand why she was staring at me and if she was staring why she didn't say anything....doesn't make sense to me. Anyhow, I am planning on hang out with my friends this weekend and having a great time! It should be soo much fun!

[shockeddismayed]

jflatt,

 

I've read this whole thread.... and I feel for you. Like you, I was with a girl for a LONG time who went through a crazy period like yours is.... I don't even know if she is out of it yet.

 

But like everyone else, I can tell you from painful experience, that they don't correct themselves when the things they are *maybe* worried about losing just stick around and take it lying down.

 

I know you are trying to move on.... but you must STOP overanalyzing every little thing that happens in this situation. STOP wondering why she didn't come accross the street. STOP wondering why rumours are going around in your hometown... STOP all of that stuff.

 

When you let yourself over-analyze things, you end up just like your EXGF.... confused and messed up. Remember that YOU aren't confused and messed-up. You were left by someone you cared about. You've DECIDED that you want someone who appreciates you, and you will not settle for less.

 

Once you know that, all of those questions and overanalysis can go away... you know that whatever the reason she didn't say anything, or cross the street... IT DOESN'T MATTER. If she were giving you the respect you deserved, she would have CHASED YOU DOWN.

 

She didn't.... thereforeeee she either doesn't care enough, or she is still confused....

 

EITHER WAY >>>> RUN IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION FROM HER!!!!!

[gradle]

hi j,

well...hmmm..i'm glad you didn't talk to her...and i'm glad for your sake that she was the one staring....she should , you're a lot better than the guy she's seeing right now, from what you've told me...

maybe she is realizing what she's missing..but either way, i don't wnat you to look to much into it...

i agree with shocked...don't overanalyze the situation...take it as it comes, let her come to you...and if she doens't, you'll be fine...from what you told me,there's a good chance you really need a break from her as well to get your thoughts straight, to figure out if this is someone you really want in your life....

maybe you'll find someone who won't criticize you, or leave you, or keep you in limbo...

and i know that you don't believe that there is someone out there that you could love more than her...

i'm not saying to give up your hopes, i'm saying to experience new things... there might be someone else out there that can appreciate you a hell of a lot more...

and sometimes it might take getting to know that person to realize that you're too good for your situations...

[jflatt]

So I did the right thing for not talking to her when I saw her?

[RandomAdvisor]

So I did the right thing for not talking to her when I saw her?

 

Yes.

[gradle]

yes, i agree that you did the right thing.

[Leges39]

JFlat,

 

wow, your story is so close to mine and almost every other story i see. i kept copying things that were said in this and wanted to comment....so much to talk to....it will take time for me to digest it all.

 

but in a nut shell Jflat, you need to refocus on yourself and forget about her as best you can....i know that is nearly impossible, but you have to make the attempt and stick with it until it gets easier....stop analyzing everything like i did....so much of my life was wasted trying to make sense of it all....bottom line is if she wanted to be with you, she would be.

[jflatt]

I haven't posted anything in a while so I figured I would update everyone on whats going on.

 

I haven't talked to my ex every since I started NC. I live in the same dorm building as my ex, so I do run into her every so often. Whenever I do run into her, I don't look at her and she just stares at me. I have heard rumors that she talks about me to people on her floor, and I just don't understand why she would do that when she is suppose to be so happy with her b/f that she got with right after we broke up.

 

I have got to the point where I really don't think about her much anymore and really don't talk about her anymore. If anything I just remember how horribly I was treated by her and how much better I deserve. Which just makes me feel weird when I run into her and she just stares at me.

 

I ended up dating a girl this summer and she really proved to me that I deserve to be treated so much better than what I was being treated. I was happier with that girl this summer than what I can remember with my ex. Even though it didn't end up working out between that girl and myself I really do owe her a lot. She taught me a lot about how a relationship should be, how I deserve to be treated, how happy I should be and she also taught me a lot about myself. For that I will be forever thankful that she came into my life.

 

As of now, I am currently happy just being single. I never thought initially that I would get to this point. I am enjoying being able to hang out with my friends and family, trying new things, and just being able to feel like I can be myself again.

[RandomAdvisor]

You're probably going to end up being "the one that got away" for your ex. Glad to hear things are still going well.