Help!

[jflatt]

I was dating a girl for 4.5 years and she recently broke up with me.

 

We broke up once before because she said she needed time to figure out who she is and what she wants and to be independent. Before she wanted this first break up she was hanging around this male friend of hers a lot. We got into a fight about how she was spending time with him without telling me. Basically I was busy that night, I went out to see a speaker, and my younger brother and a friend came up as well. She told me she had a dorm decorating contest and then she was going to study. I called her dorm several times after I got back from the speaker. I ended up finding out she was at the other guy's dorm watching a movie with him. Anyhow, she broke up with me shortly after that and dated the other guy for like 3 weeks. She called me and told me she wanted to be with me and that she made the biggest mistake of her life.

 

Everything had been fine until a few weeks ago. We were seriously talking about getting engaged and our relationship was going well. However, she started hanging around a mutual friend that I introduced her to a long time ago. She ended up blowing me off one weekend because I told her I had a test on Monday and she had a lot of homework and projects due in a few weeks so she wanted to have some fun. I got ahold of her one of those days and she completely blew me off. It was like how are you doing and before I could ask her if she wanted to do something with me it was like well I am going to go socialize and use the bathroom bye. I got ahold of her later that weekend like Saturday night and we got into a fight. I felt as if she was trying to get with that friend of ours and I said something about it. She told me that she couldn't believe that I would say anything about it. She told me that we should hang out with our friends more often and that was settled. She then brought up all this other stuff about how I need to figure out what I want and if I want to be with her. I went home that Sunday to get away and think about our relationship. I went home and decided yeah I really love her and I really want to be with her. I bought her some candy and kept calling her dorm phone as I drove back up to school. She did ever answer her phone until I got back up to school. She then told me she was scaried to talk to me and scaried to be around me. She then told me that I was being mean to her. I asked her what I was doing to be so mean to her and she couldn't give me an answer she just said I was and gave me a bunch of other reasons why I was a horrible boyfriend none of them were true. She was suggested that I got to counselling and that she wanted a break.

 

Later on that week I went into counselling but I was hearing that she was staying up till like 3am with that male friend of ours. It started to worry me because it seemed as if the cycle was repeating itself. She even told me at one point that this other guy is what all women want expect he is overweight. So by Thursday I called her, worried about our relationship. I asked her straight up if she was still committed to our relationship. She went into how she wanted to be with me but doesn't want to be with me. How she didn't want the responsibility of a relationship. How she didn't want to feel guilty if she were to do something with somone else. She just kind of made it seem like she needed time to figure out who she is, what she wants and time to be independent. I pretty much flat out told her that if you get with some other guy during this time that I wont take you back.Less than a week after the break my ex got into a fight with her best friend and my ex turned to me to help fix the problem. I got things resolved between them and my ex told me you're one of the five people I trust and I trust you more than most but I hope you understand why I can't be with you. The next day she talked to my brother online. She told him that she loves me, that she wanted to marry me, she wanted to be his sister-in-law but that we hurt each other too much. A few days later she talked to him again and told him that she missed being part of my family and she missed being involved in my family.

 

I did the no contact thing after she wanted help with her friend and tried to heal the best I could. I just couldn't believe that within a week she could go from wanting to get engaged to wanting to break up. I ended up running into her like a month after we broke up. She told me that she didn't see us getting back together anytime soon and that she didn't think we would get back together. I asked her why she thought that and she said I don't think you would want to take me back(relating back to the fact that I told her I probably wouldn't take her back if she got with someone else, but i didn't know at the time she was with someone else). Later in the conversation she asked me if I was staying in the town where I go to school and when I told her yes she got an excited look on her face. We talked about a lot of other things besides our relationship and it seemed as if she was flirting with me a bit and that she was happy to be talking to me.

 

I later found out that two weeks after we broke up she got with the other guy. That guy just graduated from the college we attended. She flat out lied to me about it. She told me that they were just friends and that she didn't want to risk losing his friendship and that it just wasn't logical, just like she did the previous time we broke up. I gave her a computer to use and I asked for it back. She called me during finals week asking me what she should get in a laptop, I made time for her even though I didn't really have the time and I tried to help her the best I could. She then called me the Saturday after finals and told me that her new computer should be in soon, that she burnt off her files from my computer, and that she guessed that I have her cell phone now(it seemed as if I she wanted me to call her). She tried to make conversation with me about where I was going to live this summer and I just answered yes and no because I really didn't want to deal with her right then.

 

Her new computer has finally came in and she called my cell phone during church, luckily I had it off. Her voicemail was all like hey its me well I have your computer all ready to give back to you just call me when you get this. However, my younger brother's high school graduation was this day and I didn't want to talk to her. She continued to call me several times that day. I got back up to my dorm room and she left a message on that too. I was left to think she must be calling so much because she wants to see me or something. My friends told me just to have her drop the computer off with a friend so she can't flirt or play games with you. So I called her later on and told her just to drop the computer off at my friend's place. She kept asking if it was okay with them and I told her it was. She just had this attitude on the phone like you dont' want to see me or talk to me, and then it was like why dont' you want to see me or talk to me. I flat out told her that I didn't want to see her right now and there was this like oh shoot what have i done silence. I eventually said goodbye and hung up right after she said okay bye.

 

I guess she contacted this friend later on and the friend told her why I didn't want to see her. My ex sent this very mean email to me where she was like I wasn't trying to play games with you and I wasn't trying to get back with you and that "We are over!". However, many friends that know both of us have the impression that my ex thinks she can come back to me after this long distance relationship she is in now with the new guy(his first girlfriend) falls apart. She has kept telling a mutual friend that she is in love with this new guy but its so hard because he isn't around. My ex kind of has a clingy, needy, i want attention personality. So I don't know if this new thing is going to work out with this new guy.

 

I am really not sure what to do. I know that she did love and wanted to be with me, but she doesn't want that right now and if I did give her another chance what would keep her from doing the same thing to me again. I have been trying to move on with my life and hang out with friends and meet new people. I just want to know what some other people think about this situation.

 

Thanks!

[DN]

I think you should move on - this girl is way too problematic. Until she sorts herself out she will continue to break your heart - don't give her the chance.

[aug104evr]

Well from reading your post I can tell you that she does love you. BUT she's not in love with you. Your her security for when things don't work out the way she wants them to she can come back to you. The more you put her off when things are going her way, the more she will try to contact you. That is unless she is too mad to swallow her pride. When she called your friend and he told her she's was playing games with you. That really did her in. Because of GUILT. Then she does the reversal game and blames you. I think you should just move on. Why waste your life and get hurt waiting for her to grow up. And since the first time you took her back she hasn't taking you seriously. Your a nice guy but you don't want to become a door mat. She'll walk all over you

[RandomAdvisor]

I like aug104evr's doormat analogy - because that's what she's treating you like. This girl is obviously very confused about what she wants in her life right now, and she's trying to have it both ways. She's with a new boyfriend, but with the prospect of getting back together with you when the current relationship ends? What the hell is that? Does she expect you to just stand by the sidelines of her life and wait for her?

 

You've been with this girl for a long time, so there is obviously some chemistry, but I honestly don't see anything happening between the two of you right now. She's lied to you, and I wouldn't trust her if I were you. She also seems to be immature and afraid of commitment. You need to get your computer from her as well as anything else of yours she has (and vice versa), and initiate strict no contact. If she e-mails you, add her to your block list. If she continues calling you, call your phone company and have her # blocked. Let your brother (and anyone else she might use as an intermediary) know that you don't want him giving you messages from her. Cut her out of your life completely so she can live her life and you can live yours.

 

Maybe in the future (I'm talking years here), when she's finally grown up, and if you're still interested, you two can get back together. In the meantime, she's seeing new people, so why don't you? I really sympathize with your situation, because I'm the same age as you, and I've been with my GF for 4 years also (Our anniversary is this monday). Engagement is in the back of both of our minds. But if my girlfriend did the things yours did to me,such as - lying to me and hanging out with other guys, then breaking up with me for said other guys, then trying to get back together, then breaking up again... I would just want her out of my life. You don't deserve to be treated like that.

 

Whatever you decide to do, good luck!

[jflatt]

I got my old computer back and I haven't heard from her since she sent that nasty email to me telling me that she wasn't playing games with me. I am starting to feel better about my life and think that I feel like I am starting to heal finally. I just really don't want to see her or talk to her for a long time. I think I am going to start going out and meet some new people, and eventually see new people when I feel ready to. I think it will take some time before I am ready to get into a new relationship.

 

I agree with a lot of what you guys said. I think I am just going to cut her out of my life and just go on with things. Maybe down the road if she can prove that she has grown up and matured enough to have the kind of relationship that it seemed we both wanted, there is a remote chance that I might give our relationship another chance.

[jflatt]

Any advice for me if I run into her on campus or in the college town we are both living in?

[DN]

Any advice for me if I run into her on campus or in the college town we are both living in?

 

Be polite but distant and move away as soon as possible

[aug104evr]

I agree with DN. If your too nice she will get it in her head she still has you and then will start coming around again. A polite smile, hi how are you but kind of keep walking. Kind of like I'm just being polite and don't really care. But be careful, she might take that as a challenge and try to pull you back in. Good luck

[jflatt]

Thanks for all the help guys. My mutual friend has told me that she talks a lot about me to her and tells her how hard it is to be in a long distance relationship with this other guy. The friend also told me that my ex continues to change the reason why she broke up with me. It seems to me that she is still trying to justify why she broke up with me to begin with and none of her reasons are working out for her. The mutual friend told her since you are talking about me so much by some philosophical theory you must want to be with him. Which was great because my ex is really into philosophy. I guess my ex just stared into space trying to think of something to say for a while then just said no thats not true.

 

I guess the new guys drives a couple of hours or so down to see her like every weekend since he has graduated and still doesn't have a full time job lined up yet. The mutual friend told me that my ex doesn't really want him to get a job so he can come down and see her as much as he is now. The friend also told me that she is really acting like a witch right now, but tells the friend how happy she is with her life right now. It seems to me if my ex was so happy why would she be in such a witch to everyone though. I think it was like what you guys were saying that she doesn't know what she wants, but she doesn't want me out of the picture.

 

Sorry to ramable on about things, but it seems to make things better for me and I like to hear what you guys think about things. I still think moving on is what I need to do. Its just hard, because I have been told by a lot of my friends that this thing with the new guy won't work out, and that she will come crawling back.

 

Sorry this doesn't make much sense but it feels good to get feedback and get it off my chest.

[DN]

You won't get her off your mind if you keep tabs on her through your friend. And if she came back she would bring back with her all the same problems and insecurities.

 

best to let her go from your mind and find somebody else.

[jflatt]

I really don't ask this friend about what she is up to and such. The friend just volunteers this information to me. Maybe I should mention something to her about giving me information about her.

[jflatt]

If I would still be interested in getting back with her in the future, how would I know if she has finally grown up or not?

[RandomAdvisor]

Difficult to say. That's why I said it'd probably be best to wait a few years at least before getting back together.

[jflatt]

I kind of have a feeling now that its over. I feel as if she changed herself to be what he wants in a women, even though she has changed little. I am just going to give up any hope that she is going to be coming back anytime soon. It just hurts so much to think that within a week she can go from wanting to get engaged to wanting to break up. I just hurt so much, its just feels unbearable at times.

[auburnslp]

Of course that hurts, and I am sorry for it. My girl and I were talking marriage and kids one day, and within 2 weeks, she was gone, so I know how that feels. Wish you didn't have to deal with that, it is miserable.

 

I have to agree with all the other people who have responded. This girl sounds very confused, her life is in a bit of a chaotic place, she has been lying to you, has jerked you around quite a bit. Might possibly be subconsciously trying to keep you hanging on as well, at least a little bit. Not good stuff.

 

Take whatever time you need to get over this whole thing, stay active with friends and family, keep up with your studies, try to stop worrying about her and whoever she might be seeing, and try to move on. Date others when you feel ready. Like another person wrote, I would cut all ties, including possibly telling that mutual friend that you would rather not hear about her for now. If you run into the ex be polite, but don't hang out. It's tough, but it's the way to move on.

 

Sorry buddy, but in my opinion this girl sounds like bad news-you can do better...

 

Good luck to you, it's hard, it just takes some time...Michael

[jflatt]

I just thought I would add that I talked to the mutual friend that has been telling me things about her(its the same friend that allowed me to have my ex drop off the computer at her apartment). I hadn't talked to her in over a week or so it was good to catch up with her. She ended up telling me that she got into a fight with my ex because my ex was talking about me too much to her I guess the friend told my ex to not talk about me, to leave me alone and go on with her own life. The friend told me that she hasn't talked to the ex in over a week, since they had this fight. This friend told my ex to leave me alone before when I told her I didn't want to see her and asked this friend why I didn't want to see her. My ex ended up sending me that email which was very mean. So I am just wondering/worried if she is going to send me another email or try to contact me somehow.

[Hope75]

Hi J,

 

Reading over your thread what I see in this girl is alot of childishness, alot of confusion,selfishness, and alot of uncertainty about what she wants, and in the process she is dragging all sorts of guys through the mud.

 

You are getting it the worst because you have the most invested in this, 4.5 years together is a long time. In your first thread what caught my eye is that she left and was seeing this other guy and here you were doing cartwheels to be the nice guy and when she came back, you continued to roll over to please her and she left you again.

 

I don't think there is anything you can do to improve the situation with her, the fact is, you guys were young when you started dating (late teens, early twenties, I'm assuming she is about your age) and sometimes we just outgrow a relationship. For whatever reason, although there are most certainly feelings on both ends, she continues to choose not to be with you, and then when she does come back, it only lasts so long before she is on her way again to someone new.

 

There's no doubt that on some level she cares for you, but it really doesn't seem like a reasonable expectation for her to come back. She has burned you twice already, and is now involved with a fourth guy including yourself since all of this started. You have done everything possible to please her and she can't even give you a legitimate reason why she doesn't want to be with you. I really think this is a girl you need to learn to let go of and get on with your life. You know you can't carry a relationship for both of you, she would have to want to be with you just as much and you would both have to put in the effort. I haven't seen any effort on her part here at all.

 

You sounded like you were starting to move on before, and maybe it's best to tell your mutual friend that you have no interest in getting back with the ex, and to please not fill you in on any details about the ex, as it is hindering your ability to move on.

 

I'm sorry this has gone on for so long, but I really think your best move is to chalk this one up to a learning experience and move on as best as you can.

 

Good Luck.

[jflatt]

Hope- just to correct you really quick, there have been 3 guys involved.

 

So basically what I am getting from everyone is that she is immature and indecisive. That she isn't certain of what she wants, but wants to keep me around in case she can't find anything better than what she had with me. Like what we had wasn't good enough and she is settling for me? I remembered that she really wanted to be friends after all of this. Should I even give her that opportunity? Wouldn't that lead to us possibly getting back together again?

 

I am just worried that she might be thinking about coming back around again. If she was talking so much about me to that friend, where the friend had to tell her to stop talking about me and then they got into a fight about it.

 

I heard through a friend that at a recent wedding in my hometown that my ex went on and on about how perfect her new b/f is and how happy she is with him. I guess this friend got sick of her going on and on about it and just ended up blocking my ex out. This friend thought she wasn't happier with the new b/f just that it was new, different and exciting. This friend also kind of thought that she was talking herself into why she is with him. Which kind of goes into her online journal thing she started after the breakup. She made it clear to everyone what the link to her journal was and all she posts in there(I haven't read it in weeks) is about her spending time with the new b/f. Like she is trying to convince herself why she is with him and to get me jealous and crawling back(which isn't going to happen).

 

It Just makes me think that she has been thinking about me a lot(if she was talking about me that much) and isn't as happy as she claims to be with her new b/f(the happiest she has ever been). I don't know if thats what you guys think but its what it makes me think.

 

I think that I will just have to keep moving on. Go out with my friends, go and try new hobbies, meet new people and eventually go on some dates. I guess if she does come back around I will just decide what I want to do when that time comes, if it ever does. I just don't think I will be able to trust her like I used to or ever look at her the same way I used to. She has a lot of growning up to do before I should ever get her another chance.

[auburnslp]

You want to know what I think? I think that she may very well be thinking of you a lot. She is in the "honeymoon" period with the new guy, so yeah, that's an exciting time and hence, the reason she goes on about him. But didn't you say he lives a good way away from her now? Tough to keep that kind of relationship-it can be done but overall not likely long-term. Anyway, no matter what she is thinking or feeling, the facts remain that presently, she is with the other guy. You are not going to be able to actively change that-to try would be to push her away further. But passively, you never know. If this is a woman that you truly love and want back, the best way to make that happen in my opinion would be to sit back and watch for a while. Do the nc thing as you have been doing. This is what I would do in your situation, and I did just that. Work on yourself-immerse your focus into your studies, your future. Into your friends-make new friends. Date when you are able. Let her come to you. Then you will be in a stronger emotional position to make the correct choices. It's funny how time away gives perspective-you see things so much more clearly for what they actually were.

 

As far as being friends-there is nothing wrong with that-but I wouldn't initiate it. It can be hard though, when there are still strong emotions involved-tough to be around someone that you used to love so much, sleep with, talked marriage with, and then all of a sudden have all these constraints regarding what is appropriate and what is not. A little story for you...

 

I told you that the same thing had happened to me-talk of marriage and kids, then 2 weeks later, she's gone. I went to nc-put myself on a 60 day rule in which I promised myself I would not contact her, and then re-evaluate the whole thing. Dealt with the pain as best as I could. Dated some. Still missed her terribly, hoped she would call during that time. She didn't. But when those two months ended, I decided to not call, not even a friendly call-I decided-what's the point? I knew nothing would have changed. So I didn't bother. Anyway, a year goes on, and I finally called over there to see if our sons could get together, since they hadn't seen each other in so long-they were the innocent victims of her decision. I just called for that reason only-I had no desire to talk to her. Got her machine, left a message-she called back-and I was not even very friendly sounding I am sure. But we made the arrangements, and then she starts talking. Asking how have I been, apologizing for hurting me. Etc. Tells me she still loves me. So we plan to get together for a beer where we can talk some more. We do. Went back to her place-no sex, but I spent the night with her. Happened the same way two other times-both times she had called me and asked me to come meet her out. But here is the problem with this. The good news is that I no longer hate her as I had for an entire year. The bad news is that I was falling for her all over again-in a big way. And nothing had changed. She does still love me and want me, but remains committed to trying to get her ex-husband back. So there is no future. Anyway I told her I couldn't do that, keep seeing her, she argued because she wanted to keep seeing me on that level, but she got the point that I was going to just get hurt all over again, because I still love her as much as I do. I was down all over again, cried for the first time in forever when I realized that nothing had changed and I would never have her for my own. It hurt like hell, all over again. But this time at least, it was fleeting. Sure I still love her and miss her, but I am ok. And now it looks like we will occasionally talk on the phone, but that will be all, and that is safe for me.

 

Sorry for the long story, but I thought it was very relevant to your question about being friends with her. It can be very difficult and very hurtful, when we still love the other in a way that goes beyond friendship. So if you decide to go that route, just be careful that you won't be hurt if it doesn't progress into something more. It also puts our lives on hold. We focus on being friends in the hopes that it becomes something more, which takes away our focus from ourselves, work, studies, friends, etc. And more than that, it takes away the possibility of meeting a person that would be even better for us.

 

Hope some of that is helpful. Good luck to you-let us know how you are doing-Michael

[jflatt]

I heard from a friend of mine that the rumor floating around my hometown is that I got back together with my ex. Which I haven't, so what the heck is going on? Did she tell someone that she is interested in getting back with me and they didn't understand her or does she not want me to be able to date anyone else? I guess it doesn't really matter though.

 

I really think just working on myself, going out with my friends is what I have to do. I think just being friends thing with her right now wouldn't work out and I don't know if it would work out in the future right now.

[DragonGirl724]

jflatt,

 

got your PM man...i was so fired up from your post.

 

if you continue to be this *****'s love slave then may God help you. she is warped bro. she wants what she cant have and once she gets it, it gets old, REALLY FAST...not only with you, but with those other guys as well. its a repeated pattern, dont be blind to it! and she continually goes back to the guy who accepts her all the time. you are her comfort zone. i agree w/ DN ditch her bro she IS too problematic. this is rediculous. the more time you waste on the wrong ones the less time you have with the right one. this chick isnt going to change. discard all her info, all her pictures and do yourself a favor and move on!

 

you did NOT need a counselor, SHE DID AND STILL DOES! she will never be settled in life unless some miraculous event happens to make her change her ways. dont be this girl's doormat. respect yourself man. if she contacts you again be very brief and blunt say:

 

"listen, end it already im done with you! youre a ____(fill in the blank)___ and you use people. now leave me the hell alone!"

 

put this chick in her place. she needs to wake up and quit tryin to play nice guys as fools. understanding should never be considered a sign of weakness, and she considers your understanding as a form of weakness. she has this GOD'S GIFT ATTITUDE like: "i can have him back if i want."

 

do yourself a huge favor and after telling her off, X her from your life completely, and MOVE FORWARD.

 

what the heck do you need her for anyway!?

 

-DG724

[jflatt]

I understand what everyone has been saying on this board. That I should just pick up and move on, but its been really hard for me. I just can't believe on how fast she went from wanting to get engaged to wanting to breakup. I have had a lot of down days lately. I have just felt very lonely lately and have had a few problems sleeping. I just get really lonely, and I seem to sleep better when I go home, where I am around other people.

 

The whole rumor thing and her getting into a fight with her friend are bothering me. It makes me think that she wants to get into contact with me again, be it to get back together or on a "friend" level. I just don't think I am ready for either one really. I don't know if she moved on so fast that she thinks I should be ready to be friends with her or if she is having second thoughts and wants to get back with me. I just don't know. I just wish this whole thing would go away. That she would just leave me alone and let me heal and that she doesn't get in contact with me until I have healed. I just don't know if I would want to take her back, my head is thinking no but my feelings are saying otherwise. I just think I need more time to heal.

[jflatt]

Hi everyone,

I have a date with a girl(not my ex) on Friday any suggestions for things I should do with her? We are going to eat supper at Applebee's and I kind of left it up in the air for stuff after that, any ideas(I was kind of thinking maybe mini golf cause we would be able to talk and kind of be alone)? What should I say?What shouldn't I say? What do you all think I should wear? I am soo excited but yet so nervous as well. Any advice or suggestions would be awesome!

 

thanks

[DragonGirl724]

jflatt,

 

stop worrying man. the girl is obviously somewhat interested in you already since you 2 ARE hangin out and all...so continue to be YOU. relax and have a good time. mini golf is a cute idea, tho an ex of mine used to try to get me to go a bunch of times and i think its the most boring game on the planet. so i dunno, ask her what she wants to do. the best nights are usually unplanned. spontanuity is a good thing.

 

relax, stay cool and be yourself.

 

-DG724

[The_Doc]

well I had a first post break up date Saturday.

 

we just went for a bite to eat in a cheap, cheerful pizzeria in a really nice location, sat outside and chatted. Afterwards we just went to a couple of bars, sat outside had drinks and talked. We talked so much we lost travk of time and before we knew it it was 2 am!

 

Just go with the flow.. and have fun