Hope someone can give advice

[lawandorder]

Well, here we go. Me and my ex had issues for about 4 months. Not real major but issues. Then on Jan 7th she left. She hated me. She called me alot and cussed me out alot. One time she would be nice and then 4 times she hated me. Then after a month she started dating someone else. Now we were together for 4 1/2 years. Then she heard I was dating others and a little time passed and she wanted to come home. We made it for 6 weeks. We finished our divorce becasue I wanted to complete it since we had gone that far. then she blew up 3 days after the divorce and moved out again. Now here is the kicker to my problems. I had built us a new home. 4000 sq feet for just us with 4 bed rooms and 3 baths. She is only 24 and never had anything like this. We have 3 new cars and a new truck. Even a corvette. she had it made. But she claimed that she knows I was not cheating but my heart is with someone else I had dated when we were separated. She got mad since I would not change my email nor my cell number. I did not reassure her at all. I know I was at fault.

 

Now, I got the house and all the cars in the divorce and she got a truck which she has to pay on. Great for me.

 

But I miss her and do want her back. I do love her. Well, she started dating a guy that is very much on the ugly side. Im not saying I am a 10. But he makes very very little money and bums off her. But he is really nice to her. I went back to the girl I dated before. Now my ex has seen her driving her vette. she raised h$%% over that. but I dont care if her guy drives my old truck. She tells me all the time I didnt give her a fair chance to make our relationship work. and she brings up our relationship daily. She dwells on that and dwells on my new girl friend. I just gets the best of her. She tries to make me jealous and I just let it go and never let her know it bothers me. Then the real kicker. she wants me to take her to Cobo San Lucas in July. She is broke and cant pay for about $1600 of bills this month and I will not help her on that. She needs about $2000 for new tires. (the truck is like a small version of a monster truck). I told her to get her new boy to buy them. She is broke and lets me know it and hates me since I am not. She is upset over someone else may take her place with me. She gets so mad she will yell and cuss and hang up.

 

My question is this. If she wants to really work it out. Why play games. If she was done with us then why call me. Why worry about anything with us. Why bring up our issues and how they could have been solved. then say she hates me and never wants to speak again. then call the next day for money and then start in on me about other women then flip to I had a chance to fix our relationship then flip again on what went wrong.

 

Everyone claims it is a game. They tell me she wants back together but she is just playing a game. Now I have a cute good girl I am with. One that takes good care of me and works for what she has and still comes home and cleans and cooks and just loves to be with me no matter what. But my heart is with my ex and it sucks bad. Please help me out on what my ex is thinking and what move to make.

[DN]

Work on the relationship with your new girl and block out the ex.

 

Sounds to me like your ex just wants material things, money and a house and car. If her new b/f had those things chances are you would not be hearing from her at all.

 

Hang on to who you have -she sounds a much better partner thatn the ex.

[Ms Omaniac]

your ex sounds like she wants your money AND her new bf. and you say you have a decent woman at home now...but it doesnt sound like you love her much less appreciate her.

 

quite the problem

 

i have a feeling if you left your current gf...you will eventually miss having someone who was so nice and sweet and loving to you and maybe realize then your feelings were deeper for her than you originally thought.

 

i also think if you take your ex back...the same problems will come back and she will keep bringing up the past. since she is 24...i dont know if she has had enough experience to see to just let those old problems go and start new and fresh. maybe with a lot of therapy you two can make it ...but it will be a long battle. your current gf, for the time being, seems more problem free....just too bad you dont feel as much love for her.

 

you need to evaluate you situation and see what makes you happy. if choosing you ex is...then you need to talk to her about a trial relationship and seeing a therapist.

 

if you choose your current gf...then you need to cease all contact from your ex.

 

good luck with that....sounds very complicated.

[lawandorder]

Well, I do have feelings for my new girlfriend. She has treated me better than I can ever remember. She is one heck of a women. But my heart just kicks me in the but. We saw my ex tonight on the road. She looked at us and looked off real fast. I know tomorrow I will get a call and go off on me. She gets so jealous over every aspect of me dating anyone. She tells me I could help her if I was not out with other women. She is all into what I can help her with. but when I tell her to get the new boy to do it she gets mad and goes off. She tells me all the time that women are after money and thats it and she was the only one that is real. Then tells me that I didnt give her a fair chance the last time to work things out and its to late now. Then the next day she will repeat herself on that. And nag me real bad.

 

I just feel if she wanted it to be over she would leave me alone and go on with life. but I feel you all are right. that if the new guy could give her what I can she would move on and never call me. It is hard since my heart is all into her and I dont want it that way.

[DN]

Then let your head rule your heart and use self-discipline. Block her calls, refuse to see her and spend all your energy on your g/f.

[lawandorder]

I know I should use my head and block out my heart but it is so dang hard. Everytime I feel like I may have a chance to move on and getr over it, she will call. Then I am back into the trap of thinking. Now I know I shouldnt pick up but I just cant help that. I have not spoke to her now for 2 days. I have to go out of town with the new girl tomorrow and wont be back till Sunday so that will keep me with the NC. But thats only 5 days. I just really would like to win my ex back and right now i cant see the light.

[brando]

okay, have you gone through your old posts. You have done this before, the no contact and moving on, i know you can do it again.

 

I must say i was shocked after you got your wife to want to try again, and you went ahead with the divorce due to your feelings with your new GF.

 

Take some time, go away and see what happens when you come back, see if your feelings for your wife/xwife have changed, it doesnt sound as if she has done any healing. It could be she just wants money to do what she wants. Just be careful of this trap....

 

be well,

 

Brando

[lawandorder]

Thanks Brando. today has been strange. my ex told me Tuesday (last day of contact) that she was going to Dallas for a school on how to get into real estate. She didnt graduate high school. She never learned to study or anything. She couldnt pass the GED test or anything. But then I saw her in town today and she never went to Dallas. She lied. I found out she is spending her money on pain pills. She told me Tuesday she need help with rent, truck payment, all her utilities and so forth. She wanted money for tires for her truck and other things for it. Came out to be aournd $3000. Now this truck was mine. 2002 F250 super duty disel super crew. Its lifted way up in the air and the tires are around $400 each. LOL Now the guy she is with has no teeth and all he does is drink. He makes very little money and has nothing. No one can understand why she hangs out with him. She tells everyone she is happy and having a blast. But then she talks to everyone about how she didnt have her fair chance with me and I didnt give her a real chance at all. When I take her calls she wants something and goes off into she didnt have a chance to make it work with me and keeps on about it. Then she gets mad and tells me she is happy now. I told her Tuesday to let the new guy pay her way in life. That she is his now and I have moved on. Then she goes off on me and hangs up. LOL strange deal. I know she still has feelings for me since she states she loves me but she is happy now. So I moved on. Last night we went to the casino in Shreveport and went down the Boardwalk with the new girl and spent the night. Had a blast. I could type for a week on the great things of the new girl. From sex to how she treats my little girl. But I still think of my ex alot. I still miss her.

How do I get her out of my head so I can be in my new relationship whole hearted. And will my ex ever just leave me alone??

 

Brando.. I have given 100's of people advice and got many thanks back but I can never solve my own problems. What is your insight??

[brando]

Law,

 

I know, i have read your posts with hope of turning things around with my ex, but now i see something very different going on with you. I think you are in a good place now. This new girls sounds like a great person, especially accepting your daughter. I would not end that relationship so soon.

 

Your Ex has not yet seen the big picture. When the tables were turned and you were persuing her but not persuing her (wanting her back) you stopped with all the nonsense and finally looked at yourself. You made changes on yourself to better youimage or character etc... You stopped the arguing with her when you were in contact, all in all you got it, you understood, that in order to get her back, you had to be respectful of yourself, and her in a sense, to show her u werent defeated. You handled it all quite beautifully.

 

She seems to be just as angry as she was then. I know you still miss her, i can understand that. But she is with a guy without teeth, little money and drinks alot, how happy can she really be. She seems to be looking for a handot from you, which is fine if she is using what you are capable of lending her to good use. I feel she hasnt learned anything from the first experience of separation, which i strongly feel is important in order to heal.

 

Obviously i don't know what she feels, but i would be careful of ending what you have now with your new girl in order to position yourself to reconcile with the ex, because you may end up with neither.

 

Go back to strong NC with the EX, you were able to do it before, and i know you can do it again. Focus on your new relationship, try putting thoughts of the EX on the back burner for a while.

 

Until i see changes by my EX and i mean extereme obivious changes then only then would i consider trying again.

 

You did a good thing by going away with the new girl, and it sounds like you noticed how different this relationship, this new girl is. Try not to let your EX get in the way of that.

 

I hope this helps. Im no experton relationships, but i do see a pattern developing with the EX. Also the more you try or may want to help her the more you are only enabling her.

 

God gave her a brain and a heart, maybe it is time she starts using both to lift her self from the mess she is in. I believe you understand their is nothing you can do to help her, butit rarely ever helps anyone.

 

Stick with a strong NC. If you should talk to her i personally would lay off on the new BF comments, and maybe tell her you would love to help her, but just cant because she must do for herself now. She will be pissed, really pissed, but i feel this is the God awful truth. And not many people like to hear the truth.

 

Your doing fine, just look at your daughter and see how she is interacting with the new GF. This will also say mch about the new girl.

 

Hope this helps. You can always PM me, i will try my best to assist.

 

be well,

 

Brando

[lawandorder]

Thanks Brando. Here is alittle update. My ex called me after 5 days. She was calling to see if I was going to make some of her monthly payments. I told her that it was not my place and I need to focus on my daughter more and do for her and her new bf should take care of her.

 

She then let me know that a friend that we both see all the time was sorta of a go between. She got him to tell me things like she was done, and she had found the true love of her life just so it would get to me and upset me. then I laid it all out on the line. She asked about going to Cobo San Lucas in July. I told ther that if we went and spent 6 nights together that the odds are we would come back and be together. That we may even get remarried while there. then we will come back and it will be great for a few months. Then for no real reason we would repeat history as we have before. Split up and do it again. I asked her if it was worth the chance on the man of her dreams not taking her back if we didnt work out. I told her that if he is this good to her and does the little things for her is it really worth the chance. Then I told her that it just is not worth me taking the chance on ending my new relationship. we can be friends. She asked what that means. I just said if we ever see each other we can wave a hand and contiune life. She didnt cuss me out this time. but I could tell this is not really what she wanted to hear.

 

I did this since the new gf has moved in. but there is a catch to this. The new girl is a girl I have been around for 20 years. she is best friends with wy first wife. Now me and my first wife have a daughter but we are best friends as well. Its great. So my daughter has been around the new girl all her life. She has spent alot of weekends for years with my new gf since she was best friends with my first wife and all that. She does things for me that are small and mean so much.

 

After reading your post brando it got me thinking. and I have made some changes. I got back in the gym again. I got back on my high protein diet. I also got focused even more on my career and my income. I have decided to give my new girl a real chance to make it work. I have decided to give myself one year to get where I need to be on a income level and to go beyond what I ever wanted in the fact of getting into shape.

 

I just really am having issues with the NC and getting the ex out of my mind and heart. I loved her more than life and it is just real hard at times. I know that my ex has not changed her ways and she will always play the games but I just cant get away from it. I miss her so dang much. I wish I could get past this and I would be fine.

[brando]

Law,

 

I think you made the right decision. As you told your Ex, if you two went away you would remarry.... or end up together when you two returned, and you hit the nail on the head when you told her the two of you would end up in old patterns again and face the same crossroad.... that to me sounds like a man who has spent some time thinking about what he once had with a woman, and accepted to some degree that it just isnt going to work. It took a lot of courage for you to tell your Ex this.

 

I think though if you concentrate on your new girl things could work out fine. It sounds like your ahead of the game already. It is a great thing she already knows your daughter well, i feel that is an important elelment in this new relationship.

 

I also understand the feelings you have for your first X. I am in the same boat, but she shows no interest n me being part of her life again. So think of how fortunate you are a girl friend you seem to be enjoying your time with and an Ex who wants you back.

 

Their is not a day that goes by that i do not think of my ex wife. She is a beautiful woman, but on the inside she has many unhealed wounds. And i know deep within my soul those unhealed wounds will also block any relationship she has, so getting back with her will only be another disaster no matter how much work i do on myself. Exactly like what you told your ex, we will fall into old patterns.

 

Im glad to hear you back in the gym and taking better care of yourself with this protien diet. Also your focus on your career is an excellent focal point now in your life. You do sound like you got it together, the thoughts of the Ex will diminish overtime. I dont think you will ever forget her, i know i wont forget my ex wife. Even after all the hurt we inflicted on eachother, i guess it was all necessary for us to grow, sadly apart. Then again who is to say it is over for good, stranger things have happened, and our paths may cross again....anything in life is possible.

 

I wish you the best and great success in your career.

 

If you ever need to talk you can always pm me, or log on to the boards.

 

Be well,

 

Brando