He already kissed another girl... just a week after breaking up with me. Help with coping?

[Rose Mosse]

I'm curious why you asked about his love life in such detail. This isn't any of your business anymore. I mean this in the most kind way. Create some healthy distance between the both of you from now onwards. Whatever he is or what he's doing or who he's seeing is not part of your life anymore nor does it have anything to do with you. If he invites you to more information about his life, decline and put some distance between the both of you. There is no need for all of that. 

Since it's your first relationship, it's understandable that it feels like the end of the world. This is just a gentle reminder that it most certainly is not. It's the beginning of a whole new life that's far brighter without someone who doesn't appreciate you. This is an absolute plus. Think of the skies parting and sunshine flooding down on you and the rest of your life to enjoy and live to the fullest. 

Good job trying to get a job and getting the interview at the cafe. Keep your eye on the ball on your studies or work or anything you set your mind to. Keep your chin up.

Wishing your dad a speedy recovery and keeping him in my thoughts. 

 

[heartslament]

Thank you to everyone, especially those who wished my dad and I well... 

Yeah, you guys are probably right that I have been too hard on myself about this breakup, and he has been a big jerk to me... I just remembered that he admit that on the day I got a serious medical diagnosis (a kidney disease that I'll have to struggle with later in life), he thought of breaking up with me. Why? "Because you hit your lowest point already, so if I broke up with you then, you could only go up from that." I even told him that was borderline psychopathic, and he seemed to think I was being the rude one. 

And he even accused me of abuse, a very serious thing, but then retracted his use of it and said he knew it wasn't "true abuse" and he's "privileged" to not know what true abuse is. That was when he said that the word he should have said was "unhealthy". But he still said that I was "accidentally abusive" to him if I was abusive. I am aware as I have said that I was a bit manipulative with my neediness and asking him if he loved me so frequently, but for him to say the word "abuse"... that scarred me for life. I don't know why in the world he would say that word so easily. I used to think that he was so intelligent and careful with what he said, but this was just... not that. 

I just... I keep on going back to the him who I loved, who loved me. The him who was warm and sweet and genuine and who I thought would never hurt me like this. It hurts more than I think anything in this world that I've experienced, to realize that this person who you spent so much time with and who you thought you knew so well and thought was such a good person, was actually very shady and almost like a monster. I'm starting to feel my love for him turn into hatred and anger, more than anything. I hate this, I hate this, I hate this so much.

[Jibralta]

7 hours ago, heartslament said:

I'm starting to feel my love for him turn into hatred and anger, more than anything.

That's normal. In fact (unfortunately), you'll probably cycle back and forth between a lot of different feelings. It's part of the grieving process. But you will heal and get past this!!

[heartslament]

9 hours ago, Jibralta said:

That's normal. In fact (unfortunately), you'll probably cycle back and forth between a lot of different feelings. It's part of the grieving process. But you will heal and get past this!!

I really hope you're right. :'D It feels like it's going to take forever to heal, especially knowing that he's being such a confusing jerk who's already with this new girl he just barely met and is kissing her a bunch. I hate hate hate to think about him moving on so quickly, maybe even marrying this girl. He even told me that he is trying to convince her that it's not a rebound, that he genuinely is thinking of long term with her already. And they're talking for four hours each night it sounds like. I feel so dead inside... he was supposed to talk to me that long every night. He was supposed to think of long term with me. 

Why am I not good enough for him? >:'( It frustrates me to my very core and I feel so shaky and sad thinking about how quickly he went from saying "I love you so much" to "I've moved on and I'm okay without you in my life." (Paraphrasing.) 

...Man. I have such a low self-esteem. It's literally at zero, or maybe even in the negatives. I based all my self-esteem on this jerk. It's no wonder I am struggling so much with this. It feels like I'm not good enough at all for anyone and I have no value.

[Jibralta]

Well, you do have value and you have to start acting like it. Why is he telling you all of that stuff, and why are you listening?? Do yourself a big favor and cut him off!

[heartslament]

I was the one who asked about if she was a rebound, heh... he was very hesitant to tell me any of this personal information, but my intrusive thoughts kept pushing me to ask him more questions even though I knew it would torture me.

We are only going to be in contact one more time: today he is getting tested for COVID-19, and he'll let me know if his results come back positive or negative. If they come back positive, I'll apologize profusely for ruining his Christmas family visit plans and I'll say bye. If they come back negative, I'll say that's good and bye. Either way, I'm saying bye and then deleting the anonymous Instagram account I've been using to message him. And I'm never going to recreate any accounts to message him again. You're right that I need to start acting like I have value, at least. I will feel a lot better and more relieved when I can finally just know his results and say bye forever. 😢 But I'll also miss and romanticize his old self still, terribly enough. Gosh. I'm a mess.

[heartslament]

I said my last words to him today. 

I reached out to him and asked him if he got his tests results yet, and he said that they came back negative. I was hurt that he didn't tell me right away, because I was worried about it and just wanted to find out so I could say my last bye to him. I sent him a few messages, encouraging him to say his last words before I say bye forever. I asked him if he would miss me, the girl who he spent a whole year with, at all. No response. I tried calling him a few times, but he immediately hung up. I then asked if he hated me. I finally got the "Seen" notification underneath my messages. He asked, "Do you want me to?" And I said, "I don't, no!" He responded, "Then please stop spamming me"

I replied, 

"Okay"

"Bye forever"

"Heartbreaker"

and then I blocked his account so he couldn't respond to that, before deleting my Instagram account that I messaged him with. 

I'm still appalled at how utterly ice cold he was, after all the time we have spent together in the past. He sounded just so... done with me. I know I can be a handful sometimes, but... he burned me with how cold he was, you know? 😢 

I feel relieved, however, that I called him a "Heartbreaker" in that very last message. I hope that this hangs above his head for the rest of his life, that he thinks about how guilty he feels for mistreating me as much as he did. He has such a huge ego and thinks he's such a nice guy, but I can now see under that outer shell he tries so hard to keep up, that he is a jerk and a half. I just hate that I let him take all my firsts... first kiss, first cuddles, etc. And I hate that he made me care so much about him because he said the exact things I only imagined my dream guy saying at the beginning, and during the peak of our relationship. I have so much anger and hate in my heart for him now. It's like he left a really dark ink blot on my heart, and no matter how I scrub at it, it won't go away.

[Wiseman2]

8 hours ago, heartslament said:

. And they're talking for four hours each night it sounds like. 

Just courious how you know this? Are you still talking to him?

It would be better to completely delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

[heartslament]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Just courious how you know this? Are you still talking to him?

It would be better to completely delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

No, he revealed that to me when he was gushing about the new girl a few days ago (the last in-person closure). 😕

And I already deleted his number and deleted my old Instagram account and Twitter account that he was following me on, yeah. On my new accounts I made, I've blocked him and his new girl too.